Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Ok. So, you know how sometimes things come at you & you're not always sure why or how, but they start convicting you in such a way that you have nothing else to do but blog about it? well that's where im at right now...

im walking through this. im sitting in this fresh pile of shit & frankly, im a little annoyed by it.

so here's the deal. im pretty great at defending myself. wait. maybe i should rephrase this: im really good at being defensive. i know how to walk into a room with my guns raised & ready to shoot. now, the room that im walking into might be filled with unicorns & kittens, but im still ready to shoot. to blaze through the room at the sight of any wrong look at me. or even the thought that they might be ready to attack me.

ugh. that is such a hard way to walk through life. not only for myself, but for those around me. 

i remember moments where my mom would throw her arms up in the air because she wasnt sure how i would react to the littlest joke. 

ive received a couple of fun, spunky texts tonight. so obviously i would lash out with my guns at the ready. why? because obviously my feelings are going to be hurt. 

OR. even if they arent going to be hurt, i need to be at the ready nonetheless. you know... just in case.

yes. i can admit. there are certain moments where i dont know how to take a joke. i dont know how to laugh at myself. or a joke. because im so afraid that their intentions arent true. that their intentions are to really hurt me... instead of just make a funny little joke. 

and it's not because i think that EVERYONE'S out to make fun of me or that everyone's after me or anything like that. ive just come to learn that that is the way my life goes. and that's how it works.

there are times where i feel my heart break for those around me... for those who have to carefully navigate the minefields. they dont know what they look like or where they are... but they're there.

and im trying really hard to find those minefields myself. to walk through the field of my life & to carefully remove the ones that i see. 

but sometimes, i dont see them. and sometimes, others see them before i do. but out of instinct, the mines go off & oh, there goes there leg. or foot. or. . . 

and sometimes it's really difficult. and a lot of times the people around me cant handle that sort of risk. and bail. or wont even come close to to attempting to get to know me.

sometimes it's their own fear...

sometimes it's the fear that i will go off at any second. and i completely get that.

but then again. . . there are those in my life who are willing to walk through the field with me. . . alongside with me. . . knowing that at any moment they could be blown apart. . . but they do it anyway. 

and im so forever thankful for that. . . 

so. that's where im at. im trying really hard to find those mines on my own & rid my life of them. some are a little more fragile than others. and ones that i thought were alive, are actually dead. and i couldnt be more thankful for that. 

so here i go. maybe to immerse myself in a tv show. maybe to read my book. maybe to pick up a book of mary oliver. or maybe to just go & be thankful for those around me. . . who are still next to me. . . walking this out with me.

. . . and im forever grateful for them . . . 

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

So i kind of enjoy when this happens. when i blog, even just a little tiny bit, & inspiration comes flooding in... in ways that i least expect. i kind of enjoy it.

this post is a bit strange to me... i was sitting in bed last night thinking about different areas of my life & how theyve affected me & maybe how ive grown because of them... anyway. the strangest thoughts started coming to me & i felt like i needed to just sit & write about it. im not sure why... but something about it seems right. and i figured i may as well just go for it.

. . . so. . . bear with me. . . 

ive always had a hard time getting along with girls my own age. ive never wanted to really be a part of their group. small groups at youth group were not fun because of that. dont even get me started about sleepovers. every interaction with girls who were ever my own age, usually ended badly. or at least me feeling that way.

is it because i have 4 sisters? is it because...?... i dont know. that's really the only reason that i can think of.

but then... i remember a time... back in the day of good ol' grade school. first grade. second grade. im not sure what year it was, but it was around that time. 

somehow the girls in my class decided to make up a club. a club named the lauren hating club. it's such a mean girl thing to do, but there it is. i was never a cool girl. i was never one who just went along with what the cool girls said, so that really didnt help anything at all. i was just never really a conformist when it comes to codependently making the mean girls OK. that bit me in the butt for basically the rest of my school year career...

anyway. i learned at a SUPER early age that girls my age were just mean. and not to be trusted, because they could turn on you in a second. 

this is one of those memories that sticks with you no matter what you do. no matter how many times you try to come to terms with things or how many times you just try to forget about it... it's something that will be with you.

but im trying to look at this from different angles. trying to see how i can grow from this. move on. or at least allow the Lord to work in & through me.

well, let's fast forward to the present & see how it somehow applies to my life.

i went to the cities this weekend & met a bunch of great new people. i was so blessed to be welcomed so warmly into such a tight-knit group. 

but i'll say this. beforehand, i was sweating like i was sitting in a sauna in hell. i was so afraid that they wouldnt like me. or that they would somehow be like all of the other girls ive ever really bumped up against.

boy... i love being proven wrong. i was welcomed & greeted with such love & kindness. who wouldve thought that could happen?!

granted, im still a bit insecure around groups of women... but im getting better with it... growing... allowing the Lord to maybe attempt to do a good work in me. 

thanks for reading. thanks for once again, continuing to walk this out with me. hopefully you're learning new things about you along the way~

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

so... it has been awhile.... sorry to the 10 people out there who read this...!

it has been a crazy month. it has been a crazy couple of months.

lots of new things: people, experiences, foods (kind of), challenges, you name it.

but as i type this im still pretty sure that im thankful for all of them.

it is a crisp fall morning & im sitting in my sweats just typing away.

ive had a few posts on my mind recently, but just havent felt the love for them that i would normally feel for a post. there was no inspiration. no divine moment of "aha! this is what i should write about!"

i definitely am keeping a lot of things close to the vest. out of fear? probably. maybe. sure. ok, yep.

but not fully that. i think that im just attempting to enjoy things in my life. right now. in the present.

and trying to not be afraid of jinxing anything. or of enjoying something TOO much (that can happen).

so... i dont feel as if there's any big anecdote or word of advice that i want to share with you.

but i do want to say that i am thankful for you all. thanks for walking all of these crazy journeys with me.

thanks for continuing to read. and maybe even enjoying. and maybe even learning something new.