Monday, July 16, 2012

do you ever feel as if you've been duped by the world?

or perhaps, by yourself?

your thoughts & ideas & ambitions & longings & great ideas & everything else you once thought were wonderful, are simply just another thing to check off your list?

maybe it's not that ive dubed myself, but rather ive just gotten tired of such things.

the thought of nannying makes me cringe now, but i have fond memories of it earlier.

the thought of staying at home & cleaning & not having a job. (im an extrovert. i need people.)

now dont get me wrong, i enjoy these things, but my younger self is to blame.

i wonder if we all feel that way sometimes.

usually i feel that i've let my younger self down & now i feel as if the roles are reversing.

i dreamt of great things that i thought were attainable.

however, i am currently not winning an academy award or a grammy.


but maybe it's what i needed at the time? something to look forward to. something to dream about while i spent my nights babysitting or reading a book or whatever else i did when i was younger.

maybe those thoughts & dreams were my escape.

either way it's still annoying. and no matter which way you turn it, i feel misled by my dreaming 13 year old self.

who thought she'd be married to an NBA star (boy am i glad that didnt work out).

there really is no point to this post other than to mark the moment. to almost feel relief that im where i should be (i hope) no matter how swindled i feel.

i'll still keep dreaming unrealistic dreams.

and in another 10 years, i'll say the same things again~

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Hmm. writing again. a friend of mine sent me a message & said to write again soon. . . pleeeeeeaaasssssse. just like that.

so i figured id give it another go. we'll see what happens.

you know what, im sitting here trying to think of all the things i could write about, & fear is cropping up all over the place. i know i wrote about this before, but maybe i'll write about it again.

im afraid to share my life. im afraid that something will happen & i'll get into trouble. i dont want that to happen. i would hate for that to happen.

but then again, i also flip the other way: i hate meanness. i cannot stand when people say one thing, & then do another.

something that ive learned these past few months is who relationships can switch & then watching to see what happens within those relationships.

have you seen the movie "Miracle"? you know, the one with the USA hockey team? where the coach, Herb Brooks, makes it so that he is everyone's enemy? but then they gather together because of that?

that's how i feel. i have somehow turned into an enemy of a few people, & miraculously people who hated other people are now best friends. why? because they can gather against me.

the thing is, it's ok. . . sometimes.

i think that being up in the city without my core group of friends has been a little tricky. thankfully im married to a man that loves me for me.

but it's still a little difficult.

so. what do  you do about that?

i feel like completely pressing into the Lord. i find myself praying for others who i dont want to pray for. i find myself craving music that will feed my soul. i find myself in moments of vulnerability with the Lord, & it's good.

so im just trying to remind myself of these truths & to be kind & give grace to myself.

that's maybe the most difficult part. ive been reminding myself of loving thy neighbors as thyself.

i just need to remember to love myself.

anyway. i do want to leave you with a song that has been on my heart on & off for the past few weeks & now daily. i just need to make dinner & listen to it over & over. i always need that reminder~

you are loved.

Jerusalem by Randall Goodgame

"Father God, Holy One, I believe, thy will be done/
Great or small, my portion be/
still I know you fill the sea, you fill the sea/

[I am Jerusalem, I am the temple of the Lord/
I am Jerusalem, I am the temple of the Lord/
Holy of Holies, the Lord dwells within/
Lord God almighty, maker of men/
I am Jersusalem, I am the temple of the Lord/]

And of Aaron's tribe, only a chosen few/
Dare to lift the veil, come and dwell with you/
Then you came to die, oh but not to fail/
Behold the Lamb, the Lamb that tore the veil/


Father God, Holy One, I believe, thy will be done/
From the tempter's charm, spirit hold me sway/
and with the leper's joy, Lord I'll obey, yes I'll obey/

Saturday, July 7, 2012

ive been wanting to blog for the past few... months, but havent. 

believe it or not, ive actually been afraid.

who's reading my blog? who is taking some of this knowledge & judging me for it? who's angry? who's feelings are hurt this time? when is this moment of vulnerability going to come back & kick me in the butt?

that's what im up against. i know that some of it is probably true & some probably isnt, but that's what ive got.

so, this is me putting my toes back into the water.

i got engaged (i'll type up that story). im married. i live in the big city, too.

i miss my best friend.

but im happy to be married. really super duperly happy that im married to someone who loves me for me.

im attempting to find myself in a new stage of life. new surroundings. new challenges. new everything.

anyway. that's about all ive got for now. it's enough to make me want to drink the rest of my mini-margarita plus 10 more.

so do not fear, readers. i'll be back. hopefully more often than before. it'll just take some time.