Courageously Brave

modern day ruin

2012-02-09T18:39:00.000-06:00

wanna know a little more about the bf?

check out this page to listen to one of his band's songs, & also take a couple of minutes & vote for them!

im maybe a little proud of him.

also check out this page to like them on facebook!

ps: see if you can figure out the awesome girl singing the vocals in the background... ;)

2012-02-08T20:48:00.000-06:00

Ok.

so this has nothing to do with my love or hatred of february... it's rather a few thoughts that have been stirring within me.

i have a few posts within me, but this one is coming forward within me so here it is.

so i have a few coping skills for things that come up within my life, & one of them is anger. whenever i am hurt or sad or whatever else, & i dont want to be... i turn to anger. i just get ragey & pissed off & channel everything into that.

i felt like i laid that to rest a few months ago & have just decided to feel my hurt feelings & go with that. but lately i have felt anger creeping up within me. yesterday morning i was telling my friend that i just want the chance to punch someone or to just be pissed off because that was all i felt.

i hate that about me. i wish i could just let my feelings be hurt & somehow work through it in that space.

but there are situations & circumstances & people that bring that out in me.

i hate it that these people continually hurt me. and i know that those people only have as much power over you that you give them... i get that.

however. there's something about that statement that somehow removes your actual feelings that you feel. their words still hurt. their actions still hurt. and im trying to not give them anymore power over me that what's actually there, but it's still a bit difficult.

so. i hate being angry. i would love to just cry & be hurt & attempt to get over it that way. but im also sick of having the same feelings about the same situations all of the time.

so. what can i do about that?

im not quite sure. im still trying to figure that one out. im sorting things out & trying to see what situations/people are good for me, & what ones bring complete toxicity into my life.

and it's difficult. and i dont have all of the right answers. and i dont have it all figured out.

but i think that it at least counts that im trying. that im being proactive & trying to weed out good & bad people & situations in my life.

i would love for certain relationships & situations to grow into something beautiful & be redeemed & to just move past certain things. i feel like im ready for that. but i guess it takes two or three... right?...

so. there you have it. i dont want to be angry, but i dont want to be hurt. so here's to attempting to find the balance~!

. . . more on that later. . .

2012-02-07T11:03:00.000-06:00

alright. i have a few moments to sit down & write about a few of my favorite things so far in the month of february.

let me tell you... this hasnt been easy. february has kicked my butt so far & im just attempting to stay calm & focused. i was talking to my a friend last night & telling her how i would love to just not cry for 1 day during february... just 1 single day. she then tells me to just go with it & maybe next year will be my year. i kinda like that idea. i think that ive put so much pressure on myself to be OK that im not even living up to my own expectations.

So. if i cry, i do. if i dont, i dont. either way, i just need to go with it.

SO. without further ado... my february so far:

Feb. 1st: Day 1 started with me getting to spend the day with my nephew, Ethan! It has kinda sorta even changed into me doing that for 3 days/week... woohoo! i love that little boy. as sweet as he is, he can be a sweet little stinker too, which is great for me because i have a ton of fun with his spunkiness :)

Feb. 2nd: a simple cup of coffee made by el tigre made my day. it was a long day... but there is nothing like sipping a cup of coffee knowing that it has been made with love. it changes my day~

Feb. 3rd: I got to go hang with my nephew again, & this time i got to have breakfast with my brother, too! we ordered pancakes, french toast, etc., from the local cafe & boy oh boy, it was tasty. that might be my new favorite breakfast place...

Feb. 4th: I headed up to the city friday night & saturday spent part of the day riding rides at the MOA with the bf, a sister & bro in law, and 3 nieces & a nephew! whew! it was a ton of fun & i definitely had moments of being a scaredy-cat. not afraid to admit it. but it was a ton of fun :)

Feb. 5th: it ended up being a VERY LONG day... not all good... but. i went to the MOA with the bf & enjoyed a light lunch with GREAT drinks at Tucci Benucch & ended it with a delicious dessert of tiramisu. OH. MY. GOODNESS. it was amazing. thankfully we split it because there's no way i wouldve finished that on my own. thanks, Jason. it was a blast. thanks for loving me :)

Feb. 6th: So. ive been looking for a job. and it has been a mess. i went to a temp agency & had a prospective job that doesnt need my at the moment. SO, i went to another one & was actually offered a part-time job after my interview yesterday. i have to go in & take a drug test today, and then i start tomorrow morning! like i said, it's part-time, but i will also be watching my nephew the last part of the week. so it all somehow seems to be somewhat coming together. It's still pretty not exactly what i wanted, but it's a step & that's what i need.

So. there you have it. i dont have my good thing for today yet, but im sure i'll get there eventually.

thanks for reading. thanks for your comments. thanks for walking this out with me. im hoping that february can start looking up. it has been pretty rough but i am enjoying having at least something to focus on while im attempting to mak it through this month.

peace & blessings.

LVo

ps: i have totally been loving this weather. i hate being cold & thankfully i havent been freezing for the past few months...

2012-02-01T11:07:00.000-06:00

there. i said it... whew. it feels good to just get that out there.

i even googled "i hate february" to find a great image to post. and you know what? im not the only one who is blogging about it today. that makes me feel just a little bit better about the month...

oh. why you ask? where do i even begin...

its usually the coldest month. (i HATE the cold.)

my day of birth falls in february.

ive never enjoyed valentine's day.

why? because my birthday treats/cakes always had some sort of pink on them. im not a fan of pink.

the days seem short. winter seems so close, yet so far to being done.

ugh. even thinking about it makes me sick. i hate that.

i was talking with a friend last night about my hatred of the month. i was telling him about all of these thoughts & feelings & failures come up during this time. He said something that got me thinking. what if its the lord's doing in bringing all of these things to the surface? what if the reason for it is to bring redemption to those areas in my life?

Hmm. that's an interesting thought. what if that's true? God can do anything He wants, so maybe that's how it'll work in me.

so. what's my reason with this post then? well. ive decided that i need to change my attitude about this month. but how do i do that when inevitably something can go wrong at any minute that will completely send me into the stratosphere?

well. that is where this blog, right here, comes into play!

i was thinking about it this morning & ive decided. i need to think of at LEAST one good thing for every day of the month. i'll make sure that i write it down, & when i have a free moment, i will sit down & blog about it.

i want to like this month. i dont want to be bitter & jaded & whatever else goes along with it.

so. here's to a new month. to a new view on an old month.

feel free to add your thoughts along with it.

thanks.

LVo

2012-01-20T20:45:00.000-06:00

so. i love watching the Lord of the Rings on a nice wintery day. there's something about a nice long movie on a cold day, & watching it while being wrapped up in a blanket. its wonderful~

anyway. i was watching the first one & it came to the middle where they are fleeing from the monster/demon guy that is in some sort of a cave-castle type thing (sorry. i wish i knew the technical names for all of these places).

anyway. Gandolff was standing up to the demon-guy & speaking magical words full of power to somehow try & stop the being from crossing.

anyway. the part that follows is maybe my favorite part in the entire trilogy. Gandolff raises his staff & speaks words filled with power & emotion. and truth...

"You shall not pass!"

there is something about that statement that is attempting to find it's place within me as i type this. i know that my thoughts are a bit jumbled & scattered, but this is what they are.

i wish that i had something like that in my life... a Gandolff who could stand up the forces that are up against me & not allow them to pass.

ive been having strange dreams lately. the other night i hung out with the bf. i fell asleep while we were watching tv & slipped into a a sleep willed with dreams. i was dreaming one of the most terrifying dreams that ive had in awhile, & when i woke up he was watching something with creepy music in the background. i had a hard time breathing & it took me awhile to shake those thoughts from my mind.

maybe im processing through things. maybe im not letting fear escape in my waking mind, so im needing to let it out through dreams? im not quite sure... maybe im just over-thinking it all? im not sure.

there are a lot of things going on and i feel like all of it has been thrown up in the air & i just have to wait for it to drop down & see what happens. i have a hard time with that. i am a planner & like knowing how things are going to go or turn out or... the list goes on.

so. there's all of that. im finishing the night off with the new episode of the big bang theory & hoping for a restful night's sleep.

thanks for reading~
L

2012-01-09T19:47:00.001-06:00

this is what i needed today. listen to the song & read the lyrics. maybe they'll change your life a little, too~

(click the link for the video)

L

If I Stand

Rich Mullins

There's more that rises in the morning

Than the sun

And more that shines in the night Than just the moon It's more than just this fire here That keeps me warm In a shelter that is larger Than this room

And there's a loyalty that's deeper

Than mere sentiments

And a music higher than the songs That I can sing The stuff of Earth competes For the allegiance I owe only to the giver Of all good things

CHORUS:

So if I stand let me stand on the promise

That you will pull me through And if I can't, let me fall on the grace That first brought me to You And if I sing let me sing for the joy That has born in me these songs And if I weep let it be as a man Who is longing for his home

There's more that dances on the prairies

Than the wind

More that pulses in the ocean Than the tide There's a love that is fiercer Than the love between friends More gentle than a mother's When her baby's at her side

And there's a loyalty that's deeper

Than mere sentiments

And a music higher than the songs That I can sing The stuff of Earth competes For the allegence I owe only to the Giver Of all good things

CHORUS(2x)

And if I weep let it be as a man

Who is longing for his home

2012-01-06T15:47:00.000-06:00

so. ive been debating if i want to right a "holiday recap" post, or if i wanted to skip past that & post about something else that ive had on my mind.

meh. that's how i feel about it all. i dont really have that big of a writing bug. i have things that i want to say, but at the same time i dont really have much to report.

im still alive. im still on the hunt for a job. im still dating the bf (hey! thats a good thing!) im still... here i guess.

still feeling out of sorts a bit. attempting to find the place that i belong. i know that everyone feels like that at some point in their lives... if not more than once. i just dont like it. i know that youre probably supposed to be learning new things & attempting to somehow get your life together... but its not necessarily all that exciting.

but, like i said. im still alive, so that's gotta count for something, right?

anyway. christmas was good thing year. long. eventful. tiring. stressful. exciting. new. etc. it was nice to see family. meet new people. enjoy the not-so-cold winter.

haha, the one day that i actually needed to travel, it decided to snow. thankfully once the cities were reached, it stopped. but that did not stop us from hitting the ditch on the way home from MI. thankfully i have a quick-reacting/thinking bf who didnt freak out as we almost drove into oncoming traffic. and thankfully we didnt get stuck. he was pretty impressed that i sorta just sat there & didnt freak out. i guess we're2 somewhat level-headed people. i was impressed by the both of us.

we had a great drive back. the drive there was very tiring as we both had very little sleep the night before. but, like i said... the drive back was fun. played a lil q&a. ate food. stopped at bathrooms. ran inside as fast as we could because it was so freaking cold.

it was fun. i think he maybe even enjoyed it, too :)

anyway. that's about all of the exciting news that ive got.

i think we're going to a basketball game soon. like couple days soon. score one for this girl! im super pumped. i love a good ol' bball game :)

anyway. thats really all ive go. i hope that you all had a wonderful christmas & a merry new year.

next up for holidays? February... blah. thankfully ive got 25 days to mentally prepare.

oh. enjoy the couple of christmas pics.

peace & blessings.

L

(my "soxy" christmas socks.

(yep. i made those.)

(we enjoy spunkiness sometimes.)

2011-12-15T21:38:00.000-06:00

So, there are times that a topic stirs me, & the first thing i want to do is sit down & blog about it & just rant. go on & on about it & then im done... then i feel a bit better about what's going on.

ive had this blog post within me for the past few weeks. months maybe... and finally i feel like maybe, MAYBE it's the right time for me to maybe write about it. so, here goes.

bullying. it's all over the news. it's everywhere. you cant turn your head without hearing awful stories about kids who are afraid to go to school. or who are being thrown into lockers.

all because theyre different. because someone else is more insecure than they are. because they dont fit into the perfect little box that everyone says they should fit into.

i remember those days. i still have dreams about being back in school & having the bullies on the bus completely coming after me. not with their fists, but with their words.

when i was in jr. high, i had a dream that i was on the bus & i finally got to tell one of the girls what i truly felt. that she was mean & rude & that nobody really liked her but that they were afraid of her. i remember waking up with a rush of adrenaline. i wondered if it was finally my time to be able to stand up to one of the many people who had tormented me & finally be able to say what im thinking. to be able to stand up for myself.

yes, i realize that my words were not kind either.

i remember after that dream that i did have a moment on the bus where i tried that. but it all went wrong. i couldnt attack with words like she could. that, and im an emotional being. i cry when im happy, sad, angry, etc. SO, the odds were clearly against me.

from that day forward, i told myself that when i got older i would change that. why? because then i would be an adult & i would be able to speak up & say my mind. i would finally be able to tell all of the bullies out there, that what they are doing is wrong. tell them that i am sorry that they have issues in their life where they feel like its OK to belittle others so that they can feel better about themselves.

well. the older i get, the more i realize that it's not that easy. that life doesnt always work that way.

and maybe its not like that. maybe there are people out there who can speak up & out against those who feel the need to put others down. i guess i just havent found that voice within me yet. and im really struggling with that.

a part of me feels that i let down the 12 year old me. i thought for sure i would be doing bigger things. that i would have a platform or at least a voice to be able to speak out against those things.

but. maybe my place to say those things is here. or maybe it just turned into more of an action... a way to live my life... instead of using words.

i guess im not sure. i dont really know. what i do know is that i have no tolerance for it. even thinking about it triggers me & feel sick & start crawling out of my skin.

what i do know is that it doesnt necessarily go away even when youre older.

the 12 year old me didnt necessarily know the grace that i do now. but i do know that ive always had a bit of kindness in my heart. so i think that i would go a little easy on me...

so maybe that's what we should all do. just go easy on each other. we dont know where anyone's coming from. hurts are always deeper than we ever imagine.

so. . .

be kind. it wont always go unnoticed.

lgv.

2011-12-09T20:26:00.000-06:00

so, im all about learning new things about myself, even if it takes a little work to get there. i like to think that im pretty aware of myself, even possibly to the point where i start to drive myself a little crazy about it.

ive always been known as the loud one. hey. im one of 6 kids. i have to be heard somehow, right? right.

ive never been one who has really every shied away from the spotlight. i enjoy performing in public. i enjoy people. i love interacting & i sometimes feed off of it. when i worked retail, i rocked customer service like there was no tomorrow!

however, that's work. that's my job. my job was to entertain customers & be sweet & kind & friendly. i know how to do that and i like to think that im pretty good at it.

ive realized more & more that at the end of the day i need more time to myself than ive ever really thought. i start getting sweaty & feeling like i will literally crawl out of my skin.

i was once called an complete extrovert by a lady that i used to work with. i almost laughed in her face when i started explaining what im really like at home. that i enjoy reading a good book at a great coffee shop with great coffee. maybe sitting next to a friend & having a deeper conversation, but i dont know if i need that in there.

at the end of the day, i need my space. i need to hop in a car & driving & listen to my music. just me & sweet delicious goodness for my ears.

so there you have it. as gregarious as i may be, im an introvert at heart. and i need my space. so back off.

haha not really... but kind of! :)

so. there you have it. i enjoy learning new things about myself every day. i mean ive known about this for awhile, but i just need to remind myself of that. that sometimes i get stressed & just need a break. and then bring on the world again~!

that's all. hope your weekend is well~

2011-12-04T18:04:00.000-06:00

3 posts in one day?

ugh. yes. that sounds exactly like my day today...

do you ever find yourself "in-between"? im a person who is in-between 2 jeans sizes & its really frustrating. thankfully, this post is not about my jeans & how the ones that im wearing may or may not be fitting at the moment...

what im actually talking about is seasons. not fall, winter, heaven, or spring but rather seasons of life.

i feel like an awkward jr high girl whose body is all grown up but yet she's rather restricted.

i dont fit into season a really well anymore... but im not yet into season b yet either.

i dont really fit into this group here... but i dont really fit into this other group over there.

and im not exactly sure how to go about any of it. i feel as if im walking around not knowing which way is up. and just when i think ive gotten past of a season figured out, it turns out i was wrong. and im not really sure what to do about any of it.

i know that everyone goes through this & its not an age thing by any means.

but i definitely am feeling awkward. out of sorts. i know a few things, but yet i know nothing at all.

its like im all dressed & ready for summer, but spring has to finish itself out first. but im dressed for summer. and i dont want to dig out all of my winter clothes...

so do i just stand my ground & plunge ahead into spring knowing all too well that i am going to freeze? im not quite sure if i can answer that yet.

so instead. i will just continue wandering around being full of conflict. full of knowing what i want, but not really having a tangible way to get at it.

yes, i know waiting & searching & all of those other things are all a part of the journey. i get that & see the merit & beauty in it.

but this isnt like that, i dont think. its more like this. im harvey two-face from the batman movie. im not a bad guy but im also not a good guy. im just going around trying to get the job done with the tools that ive got. granted, his job was revenge but im just using it as a light comparison...

so. there's that. that's just the tip of the iceberg of my thoughts, processing, & sorting for the day.

i wish i could find a place to just fit. haha. michael w. smith's "place in this world" just popped into my head... that's exactly how i feel. yet not quite...

man! and this is just a small glimpse into my psyche! i should say that i am doing quite well. im just running at 100mph...

and it's not helping that im popping up onto people's radars (that i dont necessarily want to be on) and that my dreams are making me go a little crazy.

so. there's all of that. tomorrow me & some friends are heading up to the mall for a bit of christmas shopping. me. shopping. i just crawled out of my skin thinking about it. i know it'll be fun. i just need to focus...

so. once again, thank you all for reading. if any of this makes sense to you, maybe im not so crazy after all!

or maybe we both are...

lgv

2011-12-04T11:49:00.000-06:00

ok! a little fun to throw in here...!

i survived my trip to michigan! not like it was something that needed to be survived, but i had a great time!

it's a really long drive. really. we left the city around 2pm & pulled in around 815pm. i was so tired & my eyes were so sore from driving at night in a deer infested area. after possibly 5 bathroom/snack stops we made it. and it was great!

time was spent with family & friends & pounds of food were eaten! heck, we even had a few moments to just sit back & enjoy each other's company.

thanksgiving was filled with food & football! the football part was new to me, but the food was tasty & delicious :)

it was a ton of fun meeting new people & being welcomed so warmly into a group of such great people! we played a few games, drank some beer, ate some food, told some GREAT stories! (oh man... stories are fun.)

anyway. like all good things, they must end in someone sick. ugh... :p

a day that involves a donut for breakfast. curly fries & a soda for lunch. buffalo chicken wings for dinner. and NO SLEEP. oh, let's add a day full of shopping in there, too. its going to end in awfulness for me. yep. i was so sick. couldnt eat. couldnt necessarily sleep. couldnt really do much of anything without feeling sick to my stomach. and then the stress of actually being sick & making sure that everyone else is ok... geez! all of that piled up & ka-BLAM! i am sick!

i was so bummed because they were deep-frying chicken & it just sounded so good. however... my stomach just couldnt handle it. so, i downed some sprite & ate some chicken noodle soup & ended up being somewhat ok.

at least i have some tips for next time: LAUREN! DO NOT GO TO BED AT 4AM WHEN YOU KNOW YOUR BODY WILL WAKE YOU UP AT 7AM! IT IS NOT A GOOD IDEA!!!!!!

there. i think that advice will stick with me... :)

so. it was good. heck, he's still dating me so i mustve done something right ;)

anyway. ill post a pic at the bottom. it's kinda sweet... :)

but. if you could please keep praying. still have applications out everywhere. still looking for a job. still feeling a little anxious about that.

alright blog readers. thanks for your reading. and kindness. im slowly finding out that more & more people are reading my blog. it changes my life to hear that. thanks for caring :)

XO.
lvo

(i will say this: my boyfriend can grow a pretty great beard.)

2011-12-04T11:34:00.000-06:00

alright. so i have 2 posts brewing in me, & i figured id share about my latest journeys in the 2nd post.

SO... here goes.

so, i blogged awhile back about being too sensitive at times & how im trying to figure & work that all out.

well. now i feel like im stuck in a new spot. now it's me trying to figure out, ok. this thing that the person just said really actually hurt my feelings. but the thing is... i think that was actually hurtful. and i dont think im being too sensitive about it.

well shoot. what do you do about that? it's really difficult! there have been a few things lately & im just trying to sort it all out... i dont want to always want to be the one who has to tell someone that what they said was mean. and i also dont want to be known as the one whose feelings are always hurt. that's annoying. and i dont want to be that person.

(sidenote: im totally not innocent in this. i know that i have my fair turns & fair share of saying not nice things. i totally get that.)

however. i feel like i need a way to calmly say that my feelings are actually hurt. and that im not overreacting. and that it was a legitimate unkind thing to say.

ugh. that's the worst. all of it. it's one of those things that im obviously still trying to sort out. and im not sure if im succeeding or failing. but i think it counts that im at least trying?...

so. there's that. i know that i tend to be a sensitive person. but. i also know that i dont want to always necessarily be the butt of jokes. i just cant handle that all of the time....

thanks for listening. i'll be posting another one right after this.

xo.
LVo

2011-11-22T09:59:00.000-06:00

sitting in the kitchen... with beautiful music playing... eating delicious breakfast potatoes... sipping coffee & orange juice... at this moment, life is good~

yesterday, was a long day. its not like it was awful, but by the end of it, i was ready to be done with the world. actually... i think that the world was ready to be done with me for the day.

im rockin crazy hormones. im stressed about little things here & there. and i just need something light-hearted...

today is that day for me. yes, i have a few errands to run, but i feel like today is my day to take things as they come & just do what needs to be done. and then end out the night with *hopefully* a whiskey cocktail... that sounds wonderful to me~

i dont do this often, but ive got a favor to ask of you, my wonderfully caring readers...

could you be praying for me? im putting in a ton of job applications & am hoping for whatever one that i should have. my experience is lacking, but i feel like i have good skills & a fun personality to bring...
so if you just have a quick minute & would just ask the Lord for a little help... i would appreciate that so much~

also. im road-tripping it up this weekend! im heading out to Michigan with the boyfriend. (what?!)
i'll be driving separately so he can stay later in the week & so i can head back for a nephew's birthday party. thankfully its only a 5.5 hour drive from the cities, but its still 5.5 hours of driving there & then 6.5 hours of driving back for me (on sunday). if you could just pray for safety & a good ol' time, thatd be great :)

im actually looking forward to the long drive. when im stressed & just need to relax & release & attempt to just be a normal human being, i'll drive. a nice long drive with my music & myself & time to just get my mind back into a good space... it changes my life.

so. there's all of that. im bringing in a few applications today, & then i will be hoping & praying for the best.

thank you blog readers. i am definitely thankful for you this thanksgiving season~

have a good! :)

2011-11-17T09:59:00.000-06:00

alright. so, i usually try to be as honest as i can about my life to the point where i know that im over-sharing about things that i probably shouldnt be sharing about. BUT. i figure sometimes its better to just put it all out there & live my life.

SO.

that's kind of where im at today. i had a rough night last night & my mind is officially taxed. my body is starting to react to it & i realize that i just needed a moment to breathe. so, i decided to drive into town with my computer, notebook & book, & just take a few hours & recharge my spirit or body or life or... all of the above.

as i was driving into town i started thinking about the things that im needing to get done & things that im needing to do & the main issue that is causing stress reared it's ugly head. shit. i hate it when that happens.

so, i have been job searching for the past... month of so. everything about that situation is stressful. having to put yourself out there & basically make your crap look like jewels... it's really hard work.

what i find really hard for me is that i lack in experience on a few things. i know that im good at a lot of things, but i dont necessarily have the experience to back it up. ive been a nanny for the past few years & it's hard for that to translate into showing that hey! im good at other things, too!

thinking about it, it's hard even trying to convince myself that im good at other things.

im crippled with fear. when will i find a job? am i really not good at anything? im slowly watching my banking accounts dwindle. what about the holidays coming up? i have a few people on my list. i can give them a hug... etc.

these are the thoughts that are crippling me on a daily basis. i cant shut them off. im applying for multiple jobs daily, but my confidence is shot. im at the point where it really takes every ounce of my being to just get up & be productive. that's really hard.

i had a moment while driving into town today where i just lost it. i couldnt handle it any longer & felt my chest slowly start to tighten. i felt tears on the surface. and damn it i just didnt want to deal with that today. so i tried telling myself the truth...

the Lord loves me... the Lord is for me... the Lord has provided for me when ive needed it... the Lord loves me... He loves me... He loves me... the Lord will not give up on me...

i drove to the airport this past monday & for some reason i decided that i should listen to some old school 90's christian music. you know... Twila Paris... Michael W. Smith... Steve Curtis Chapman... Amy Grant... Geoff Moore & The Distance... you know... old school.

something about those songs changed something within me. God is in Control by Twila Paris... that song is full of truth! who really cares that it's quite possibly older than me. truth is truth & i needed it.

so. there's my sob story. ive put off writing it for fear of being judged & feeling dumb. i dont think anyone will feel that, but there it is.

thanks for reading. if you think of it say a prayer for me.

2011-11-10T19:53:00.000-06:00

alright. here i am. blogging. i will say this... this is one of my favorite things to do. i think i learn more about myself either before or while i blog than almost any other time. there's something about typing out my thoughts & sending them out into the universe that somehow helps me process.

so... i thank you.

anyway. the point of this post.

relationships.

theyre really hard. it's not like theyre easy or anything like that. if you want something to work, you have to fight for it.

but if you feel like you have to fight for it, you have to ask yourself if it's worth the fight.

"is this relationship really worth the energy that im putting into it? does the other person really care as much as i do? if not, what can i do about it?"

those are tough questions to ask yourself, let alone answer.

that's what im learning, or i should say what i have been learning. for the last few years.

it's hard to have to ask yourself the same questions all of the time...

anyway. im definitely learning how to navigate them.

some relationships, i am more than willing to work at. to give them the time & care that they need. and to attempt to do so with kindness & grace in my heart.

there are also those relationships where you just say screw this & move on..

im working on both. im walking through both. and theyre pretty hard.

but some of them are worth it. and im willing to be wrong. and apologize. and maybe get my feelings hurt.

because sometimes... that's what has to happen. and it's not like it's easy... because it's not. But...

anyway. thats what im learning. what im walking through. and up & over. and in between. and...

so there's that. im navigating tricky waters. unchartered territories. and to be honest, it is kind of scary.

but i like to think that im doing a good job?...

honesty. hard work. grace. kindness. love. that's what i try to bring to the table~

thank you for reading my faithful blog readers. im thankful for each & every one of you this season.

even the ones i dont know :)

2011-11-02T10:18:00.000-05:00

Hmm...

i have a very contrite heart this morning.

a heart that is bursting for revelation or understanding.

a heart that is seeking the Lord.

just trying to sort things out.

to make good decisions.

to figure out how to express myself in a kind & loving way.

to not be so defensive all of the time.

to . . .

there is a wind of change in the air.

or maybe a wind of. . . ?

im not entirely sure.

but what i do know is that i cant continue to carry on with such heavy yokes.

not necessarily heavy yokes. but heavy thoughts weighing on me.

that's all. im keeping this simple.

and am hoping for clarity today.

and wisdom. and understanding.

2011-10-26T20:11:00.003-05:00

Ok. So, you know how sometimes things come at you & you're not always sure why or how, but they start convicting you in such a way that you have nothing else to do but blog about it? well that's where im at right now...

im walking through this. im sitting in this fresh pile of shit & frankly, im a little annoyed by it.

so here's the deal. im pretty great at defending myself. wait. maybe i should rephrase this: im really good at being defensive. i know how to walk into a room with my guns raised & ready to shoot. now, the room that im walking into might be filled with unicorns & kittens, but im still ready to shoot. to blaze through the room at the sight of any wrong look at me. or even the thought that they might be ready to attack me.

ugh. that is such a hard way to walk through life. not only for myself, but for those around me.

i remember moments where my mom would throw her arms up in the air because she wasnt sure how i would react to the littlest joke.

ive received a couple of fun, spunky texts tonight. so obviously i would lash out with my guns at the ready. why? because obviously my feelings are going to be hurt.

OR. even if they arent going to be hurt, i need to be at the ready nonetheless. you know... just in case.

yes. i can admit. there are certain moments where i dont know how to take a joke. i dont know how to laugh at myself. or a joke. because im so afraid that their intentions arent true. that their intentions are to really hurt me... instead of just make a funny little joke.

and it's not because i think that EVERYONE'S out to make fun of me or that everyone's after me or anything like that. ive just come to learn that that is the way my life goes. and that's how it works.

there are times where i feel my heart break for those around me... for those who have to carefully navigate the minefields. they dont know what they look like or where they are... but they're there.

and im trying really hard to find those minefields myself. to walk through the field of my life & to carefully remove the ones that i see.

but sometimes, i dont see them. and sometimes, others see them before i do. but out of instinct, the mines go off & oh, there goes there leg. or foot. or. . .

and sometimes it's really difficult. and a lot of times the people around me cant handle that sort of risk. and bail. or wont even come close to to attempting to get to know me.

sometimes it's their own fear...

sometimes it's the fear that i will go off at any second. and i completely get that.

but then again. . . there are those in my life who are willing to walk through the field with me. . . alongside with me. . . knowing that at any moment they could be blown apart. . . but they do it anyway.

and im so forever thankful for that. . .

so. that's where im at. im trying really hard to find those mines on my own & rid my life of them. some are a little more fragile than others. and ones that i thought were alive, are actually dead. and i couldnt be more thankful for that.

so here i go. maybe to immerse myself in a tv show. maybe to read my book. maybe to pick up a book of mary oliver. or maybe to just go & be thankful for those around me. . . who are still next to me. . . walking this out with me.

. . . and im forever grateful for them . . .

2011-10-19T14:37:00.000-05:00

So i kind of enjoy when this happens. when i blog, even just a little tiny bit, & inspiration comes flooding in... in ways that i least expect. i kind of enjoy it.

this post is a bit strange to me... i was sitting in bed last night thinking about different areas of my life & how theyve affected me & maybe how ive grown because of them... anyway. the strangest thoughts started coming to me & i felt like i needed to just sit & write about it. im not sure why... but something about it seems right. and i figured i may as well just go for it.

. . . so. . . bear with me. . .

ive always had a hard time getting along with girls my own age. ive never wanted to really be a part of their group. small groups at youth group were not fun because of that. dont even get me started about sleepovers. every interaction with girls who were ever my own age, usually ended badly. or at least me feeling that way.

is it because i have 4 sisters? is it because...?... i dont know. that's really the only reason that i can think of.

but then... i remember a time... back in the day of good ol' grade school. first grade. second grade. im not sure what year it was, but it was around that time.

somehow the girls in my class decided to make up a club. a club named the lauren hating club. it's such a mean girl thing to do, but there it is. i was never a cool girl. i was never one who just went along with what the cool girls said, so that really didnt help anything at all. i was just never really a conformist when it comes to codependently making the mean girls OK. that bit me in the butt for basically the rest of my school year career...

anyway. i learned at a SUPER early age that girls my age were just mean. and not to be trusted, because they could turn on you in a second.

this is one of those memories that sticks with you no matter what you do. no matter how many times you try to come to terms with things or how many times you just try to forget about it... it's something that will be with you.

but im trying to look at this from different angles. trying to see how i can grow from this. move on. or at least allow the Lord to work in & through me.

well, let's fast forward to the present & see how it somehow applies to my life.

i went to the cities this weekend & met a bunch of great new people. i was so blessed to be welcomed so warmly into such a tight-knit group.

but i'll say this. beforehand, i was sweating like i was sitting in a sauna in hell. i was so afraid that they wouldnt like me. or that they would somehow be like all of the other girls ive ever really bumped up against.

boy... i love being proven wrong. i was welcomed & greeted with such love & kindness. who wouldve thought that could happen?!

granted, im still a bit insecure around groups of women... but im getting better with it... growing... allowing the Lord to maybe attempt to do a good work in me.

thanks for reading. thanks for once again, continuing to walk this out with me. hopefully you're learning new things about you along the way~

2011-10-18T10:48:00.000-05:00

so... it has been awhile.... sorry to the 10 people out there who read this...!

it has been a crazy month. it has been a crazy couple of months.

lots of new things: people, experiences, foods (kind of), challenges, you name it.

but as i type this im still pretty sure that im thankful for all of them.

it is a crisp fall morning & im sitting in my sweats just typing away.

ive had a few posts on my mind recently, but just havent felt the love for them that i would normally feel for a post. there was no inspiration. no divine moment of "aha! this is what i should write about!"

i definitely am keeping a lot of things close to the vest. out of fear? probably. maybe. sure. ok, yep.

but not fully that. i think that im just attempting to enjoy things in my life. right now. in the present.

and trying to not be afraid of jinxing anything. or of enjoying something TOO much (that can happen).

so... i dont feel as if there's any big anecdote or word of advice that i want to share with you.

but i do want to say that i am thankful for you all. thanks for walking all of these crazy journeys with me.

thanks for continuing to read. and maybe even enjoying. and maybe even learning something new.

LVo

2011-09-26T20:00:00.000-05:00

. . . it has been a day today . . .

nothing awful, but im definitely tired for no reason other than the fact that my brain just needs to turn off...

i watched a little top chef, typed out an email, looked at pics for a bit, & even did a little light facebook stalking.

and then i realized that i just needed something more. something to awaken or encourage or even provoke my mind into some sort of existence... even for these last few hours that im awake. ill take anything...

so i picked up one of my mary oliver books... a new one (love).

and i just started flipping through the pages. not necessarily landing on a single poem or even staying there long enough to read one.

i looked at the titles. the phrasing. a word here. something about a bird there.

it was wonderful. all of it.

and then i realized something: it is moments like these where a part of me comes to life. a part that ive maybe lost in the craziness of the week.

now, i am not an artist or writer or anything of the sort.

however.

it is in that small moment where maybe i can feel like i have something bigger than myself to offer the world. that maybe the world has something greater to offer me.

that maybe... just maybe... i know a little more than i give myself credit for. i like those moments. they are few & far between, but when they appear, i take them as a gift~

i put Rod Stewart's "Forever Young" on repeat. that song has been doing something in me lately. something good. so go check it out~ (click the song title)

So, that's what ive got to bring to the world today.

Oh... maybe ill leave you with a little mary oliver~

Maybe
~M. Oliver

Sweet Jesus, talking
his melancholy madness,
stood up in the boat
and the sea lay down,

silky and sorry.
So everybody was saved
that night.
But you know how it is

when something
different crosses
the threshold- the uncles
mutter together,

the women walk away,
the young brother begins
to sharpen his knife.
Nobody knows what the soul is.

It comes and goes
like the wind over the water--
sometimes, for days,
you don't think of it.

Maybe, after the sermon,
after the multitude was fed,
one of two of them felt
the soul slip forth

like a tremor of pure sunlight,
before exhaustion,
that wants to swallow everything,
gripped their bones and left them

miserable and sleepy,
as they are now, forgetting
how the wind tore at the sails
before he rose and talked to it--

tender and luminous and demanding
as he always was--
a thousand times more frightening
than the killer sea.

2011-09-21T14:35:00.000-05:00

ok. so i started a blog post earlier today, stopped it, & here i am starting a brand new one...

so this fear thing. i blogged about it last time, but unfortunately it has sort of developed into a constant thing in my life. and i really do not like it. at all.

it's robbing me of joy in my life. it is taking my life & adding a new yoke to it. and it is not light.

i am thankful for a great new season in my life... i am surrounded by friends who love me & who care for me. im thankful for new adventures & new people who are bringing me joy. im thankful that i am no longer a slave to guilt (well, for the most part) and that i have a great church to go to. im thankful for so many things...

and then here comes the but. but this... but that...

i dont want those. i just want to be able to sit back & enjoy the good & beautiful things that are in my life. i dont want my rational (and sometimes irrational) fears to get in my way.

i want to live my life! and enjoy it! i want to take this new season & just love it for everything that it is!

im dating someone that i really like. and it's fun! who doesnt want to enjoy that?!

im surrounded by friends who love me for me! who gets that in this lifetime?! i want to enjoy that!

i dont want to walk around like a little kid who cant function in this life.

i want to live my life! i know too many people who are sitting back & letting their fear ruin their lives & the lives of those around them.

im not living like that. i refuse to. that has never been the life ive wanted. and its not the life i was made to live.

so. there's that. that's what im feeling & i really dont like it. i want to be done with it.

fortunately i have tools that i can use. thankfully, i am surrounded by people who love me & want the best for me. and who have had more than enough patience & grace for me.

Hmm... i wonder if that's part of it. im afraid that eventually that grace will run out...

anyway. unfortunately, these things take time. and i am not a very patient person. i want to just be done with this fear thing right now.

but i guess that's where i have to just sit & let the Lord work. i know that the Lord will give me what i need when i need it. i know that...

i just got a text from my dearest friend...

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything pray with thanksgiving in your heart. And the peace of God which passes all understanding will guard your heart and mind in Christ."

im so thankful for her~

im thankful that i have people in my life who have my back.

and now i realize that ive used the word "im" a lot today. sorry about that... maybe next post it'll be something a little different...

thanks for listening my dear readers~

2011-09-07T09:50:00.000-05:00

Wow. look at me blogging after a month of not...!

So, here's how it all started. my body decided to get sick & hate me for a week. i was down for the count. oh, and then i decided to get strep on top of all of that! Im over all of that, but once again my body has decided to randomly break out in hives when i get nervous or something like that... SO! Benadryl has been my friend to say the least~!

On top of all of the sickness, i havent really had a lot to say. no inspiration has flowed through me. i definitely felt stuck in a season. There have also been a few other things going on here & there (i might share them someday. we'll see.) so my mind has been at max. capacity and there hasnt been room for anything other than crappy tv shows on netflix.

However... im thankful to be back. Im thankful to say that i have a few things on my mind.

We went to church on sunday & i definitely had a post stirring in me before & after, but... i feel like maybe that one has come & gone for now. It was a really good message & there were definite points that stuck out, but i feel like this other thing within me is more of where my heart's at right now.

SO.... here goes nothing~!

I have been thinking a lot lately about things that people say. and how they affect us. and stick with us. and then how they strike up other thoughts & emotions in you...

ive been doing a lot of sorting lately. a lot of thinking back on moments where a friend had said really hurtful & mean things to me. at the time i was so immersed in something else that i didnt even have time to let them sink into me or affect me (but that doesnt mean my bff wasnt completely offended by them for me).

Well. let's fast-forward to me right now. those words... the ones that i thought hadnt stuck or didnt affect me... are completely changing me. they're making me have to ask hard questions & to just be brutally honest with myself & those around me.

it's really hard. im kind of a broken person.

and ive known that im a broken person, but now im having to deal with it & acknowledge it more than i would really want to. it seems that that's how im walking through my day: acknowledging my brokenness, attempting to find grace & forgiveness, & then moving on. oh, and let's repeat that a few more times. it gets really exhausting after a few times of having to do that.

i was thinking about it all yesterday & trying to not let the fear of things in my past rule my life in the present. im trying to tell myself the truth & allow the Lord to keep doing a good work in me. but yesterday this fear completely came over me.

fear of not being good enough. of being naive. of friends bailing on me. of so many things...

i do not want to live my life like that. i wont live my life like that. i refuse to.

so... what do i do about that? Well, that's a great question. im thankful to have wonderful friends who love me & tell me the truth. Im thankful that the fall season has started up again... who knew i would ever say that?! im thankful that we're heading back up to church on sundays. im thankful for a new season in my life... that's good~

so there's me. that's what im at right now. im not letting the fear of lies & hateful words that were spoken to me, rule my life. that was a one time thing... not all people are like that. and im thankful to say that no one in my life is like that. what a relief~!

So... thanks for welcoming me back. sorry it has been so long.

here's to a new season... fall... friendships... good drink... good food...

amen. hallelujah.

2011-08-11T22:55:00.000-05:00

Ok, i should start this by saying that im doing my usual blogging & top chef watching... so in case i start talking about how strange Tom looks or how long Padma's hair is... you know why.

That all being said...

So earlier this week on facebook i had mentioned something about how people do neurotic things to have some sort of control over their lives. I didnt really touch on mine, but ill touch on it here & now because it has been an interesting few 5 hours...

So, remember how i blogged earlier this week about how i felt closer to the Lord & that i needed to mark that moment because i knew how fleeting it would be? Im sure glad that i did, because sometimes i just need to remember dear moments like those.

So... today has actually been a great day. The kiddos & i headed into town this morning and i actually got a LOT done! The oldest little one even helped me pick out my niece's birthday present for her party on sunday (woohoo)! So, really it was an easy day... i love days like those~

And i obviously needed that...

i came home after work & something struck me. i came across something & it just sent me into a spiral. In a matter of 20 minutes i had gone from a great day to please... let us make margaritas tonight & just hopefully drink my sorrows away~ (i stuck with a great sort of punch & Kraken Rum... it was great.)

I was definitely trigged & i started thinking about certain things in my life. Things that i thought had definitely gone to rest, but were obviously still in there somewhere. What in the freaking hell!? I was completely thrown off so i definitely reverted to a few old ways...

So, coming back to what i had posted on facebook earlier this week...

i had said something about how people do neurotic things when they have no other control over their life. i know mine. When i cant control anything else, i know that at the end of the day i can control what i eat & basically my size... how much i weigh. SO, what do i do? I just dont eat. i have definitely gone a few days without any more than a water & coffee... it's not something that i enjoy, but i have control. i can keep one area of my life in my own hands.

I had that moment today. i knew what was on the menu (and i was SO excited about it!) but i just didnt know how i could do it. I suddenly wasnt hungry & knew i wasnt going to be able to eat much... WELL. Thankfully after almost 2 years of therapy, i can somewhat get over that in less than a couple of hours. Im glad to say that i finished MOST of my dinner & even enjoyed it~! (hello freshly delicious homemade croutons!)

But that's really not the point...

something completely threw me off. im feeling completely displaced within myself. im trying to feel my feelings, but im over crying. i just dont want to deal with it.

I definitely know that my feelings were hurt, but i didnt want to cry. i quickly switched over into anger so that i could just be mad & not cry & just move on. I know, that maybe doesnt seem completely right, but im aware of that & i think that it counts... anyway...

i dont know what to do. Im trying to be ok, but i dont necessarily have a place for any of it. Even as im sitting here there is definitely something within me that is hidden under the surface that i cant find... it's somehow hidden.

and maybe it is the grace of the Lord...?... im not sure. once again, im kind of on the outs with Him. I know that it may sound fickle considering my blog a couple of days ago, but ive found nothing but silence ever since. AND, if He's the God that i know He is... then i think that He can deal with it~

So...

What do i do? where do i go from here? Im not really sure. Im definitely feeling hurt, anger, violation, and so many more things that im just really not sure what they are. im realizing that my cross is being carried with me more & more, & closer & closer to me... right now it's lying on my stomach waiting to just be grasped closer to my heart... if anything at least im still somewhat searching & grasping for the Lord~

So, im not sure what to do or where to go from here... im just trying to walk it all out & hope for the best. There are certain things that right now, have no place to go... no storage container has been created & im just waiting & ready to do something if i need to...

So, there's that. Im not sure what to do with any of it. Im just trying to be OK for now, because im over being hurt. Im just over it. seriously.

i was talking with my dear friend about it tonight, & she told me to just be kind with myself... oh my God... that's one thing that im really having a hard time with. Im not being kind with myself, because im better than that.... but i know that i need to be... so shit. im just trying really hard right now to not completely take 3 steps back... maybe just 2... ugh...

SO, there's that. i have 17 minutes left of Top Chef & im just exhausted. I know what's going to happen, so maybe i can just go to bed...

im sure that this all is maybe a bit jumbled but that's how im feeling. that's honest. that's me.

me attempting to maybe be a bit brave...?... courageous...?... or just crazy?... who knows?....

thanks for reading... thanks for taking the time to listen to me rant about my crazy life~

~LVo

2011-08-07T22:32:00.000-05:00

Well, it's late & i should be asleep. but im not. instead im downing the sleepy-time tea in hopes of it working its magic~!

That being said... i need to mark the moment. there are certain times in my life where i need to take a breath, step back, & remember what's going on.

So...

something is going on within me. i feel like there's something greater at work in me. i spent some of my day organizing & straightening & just trying to get my ducks in a row. something you do before you go somewhere or do something new.

by the end of the day i felt like there was a bit more free space in my life. and throughout the night its almost as if the good Lord Himself has been filling that space up... with love. grace. kindness. mercy. the Holy Spirit. those sorts of things.

i dont have these moments often & when i do i know how fleeting they are. so im wanting to just enjoy it for what it is & be in the moment. if there's something that the Lord has for me, i dont want to miss it. I dont necessarily care what it is because i know that it's out of the Lord's heart.

a couple of years ago a friend & i had gone to the local christian store & purchased 2 rosaries, one for each of us. we had read an essay about how running the beads through your fingers while reciting a verse just brings a sort of peace that runs through you. That the presence of the Lord somehow comes upon you & maybe you can go on for a few more minutes. we found them at a time of extreme need.

i removed the cross from my beads as it was easier to wear & it was nice to be able to just throw my cross in my pocket in moments where i needed it.

I still wear my beads as a necklace (it's a favorite of mine) but it has been awhile since ive really used my cross & just let it work in & through me.

Well, while organizing today i came across it. i was really excited about it & really felt that it was appointed by the Lord.

Right now it is sitting on my bed right next to me & it will move to my nightstand while i sleep. then tomorrow i will put it in my pocket & let it walk with me through the day & maybe. just maybe. it will speak a little more life back into me.

to be extremely honest these last couple of weeks have been really hard for me. ive sort of crawled into myself & just havent wanted to be extremely social. ive felt attacked & have definitely been harder on myself than i have been in awhile. insecurities have risen up in me again & i couldnt even sit by myself in a restaurant without wanting to crawl out of my skin. what in the world?! im completely capable of that! its one of those things that i love to do! i just think that brick on top of brick decided to pile up & box me in.

so maybe that's where im at. maybe im just breaking through them slowly. or quickly.

so. that's where im at. im feeling just a little closer to the Lord, but it's obviously enough to change something within me.

(on a complete sidenote some of you might have noticed that im signing out different. yes. i am. i feel like this blog is slowly evolving. my stories are a bit different & it's more about just being real. i might change the site name, but who knows? for now ill just stick with changing up the signature.)

thanks for reading~

the Jesus-juke

2011-08-04T12:54:00.000-05:00

So ive seen a lot of this going on lately. its kind of annoying. SO, im going to hopefully educate some of you in the art of the "Jesus-juke."

I just copied the article but if you want to see it in its entirety click here.

enjoy~

oh. and if you feel the need to jokingly juke me, that's funny!

Weird things happen to me when I fly. If you followed me on Twitter you would know this because I tend to have “tweet explosions,” when I’m at airports.

Last Sunday morning, as our plane lifted off the ground, the person behind me started to play what sounded like a pan flute. Just as we began to soar above the clouds, we were greeted with a Zamfir melody from what I can only assume was some sort of satyr. In his defense, the flight attendant did not say, “Please return your seats to their upright position, carefully stow your carry on luggage and put your pan flute back in its elk skin satchel.” He had every right to play that beautiful wooden instrument and play he did.

At another airport I went to, a humongous bodybuilder spent his time in the terminal doing ferocious push ups right beside me. I tweeted about it and folks told me to prove it with a photo. Not likely. One of my rules for twitter is never snap photos of people who can snap you. And this guy could have broken me in half like a thin blogger branch.

But in all the responses from people asking me questions about the terminal B2 bodybuilder, one stuck out. It was different than the rest, but is something I am growing familiar with.

I call it the “Jesus Juke.”

Like a football player juking you at the last second and going a different direction, the Jesus Juke is when someone takes what is clearly a joke filled conversation and completely reverses direction into something serious and holy.

In this particular case, when I tweeted a joke about the guy doing pushups, someone tweeted me back, “Imagine If we were that dedicated in our faith, family, and finances?”

I was fine with that idea, I was, but it was a Jesus Juke. We went from, “Whoa, there’s a mountain of a man doing pushups next to the Starbucks at the airport,” to a serious statement about the lack of discipline we have in our faith and our family and our finances.

I don’t know how to spell it, but in my head I heard that sad trumpet sound of “whaaaa, waaaa.”

And that wasn’t even a bad Jesus Juke. I didn’t mind that statement at all. That guy seemed fine. I’ve heard much worse. I once tweeted about going to see Conan O’Brien live and how big the crowd was. Someone wrote back, “If we held a concert for Jesus and gave away free tickets, no one would come.” Whaaa, waaaa.

Chances are you’ve experienced this. Someone pulled the Christian version of the Debbie Downer, they threw out a bit of Jesus Juke on you. If you have, or even if you haven’t, there are three things we all need to know about this particular move.

1. It generates shame.

The Jesus Juke is a great way to tell a friend, “I wish you possessed the uber holiness I do and were instead talking about sweet baby Jesus in this conversation.” It’s like a tiny little “shame grenade,” you throw it into an otherwise harmless conversation and then watch it splatter everyone in guilt and condemnation.

2. It never leads to good conversation.

I’ve been Jesus Juked dozens of times in my life and I’ve never once seen it lead to a productive, healthy conversation. You might think it will before you juke, but what usually happens is just raw amounts of awkwardness, similar to how I felt sitting in a theater watching the Last Airbender.

3. I’ve never met someone who was “juked to Jesus.”

I once tweeted, “No one’s ever said: ‘The way you bitterly mock other Christians helped me begin a life-changing love of Jesus’ (Be kind).” I wrote that because I wanted to remind us that our jerkiness never led folks to Christ. I don’t think our jukes do either. I don’t really see it as a conversion technique. It’s more of a conversation killer technique.

I hope we all keep talking about Jesus. I hope we talk about him lots and lots. I hope he defines our life and conversations. But if I tell you that when it comes to My Little Pony, I tend to prefer Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie and that Toola Roola has been riding their coattails for years, please don’t respond, “You know who created ponies? Our Lord God did, that’s who.”

Has anyone ever pulled a “Jesus Juke” on you?

2011-08-01T11:54:00.000-05:00

"Remember, by your actions the people of ------- will judge you, the people from the church ... and God."

So i read this just a little bit ago. as if i wasnt already a bit crazed today, let's throw in a little Christian guilt to remind us to keep our filters up & be the perfect Christians that we can be.

Im all for behaving in an appropriate manner... However, im not for being guilted into it.

im sure the person saying this had the right hear, but man. was their delivery OFF.

so. just a little reminder or word of advice to all of you readers out there... guilt doesnt work. guilt shouldnt work.

especially not for something like that.

amen. hallelujah.

-L

2011-07-31T21:27:00.000-05:00

Do you ever have one of those days where you have nothing uplifting or sensible to bring to the world? today was definitely one of those days.

ive got nothing.

so. ill leave you with the Epilogue to one of my favorite poetry books, Thirst by Mary Oliver.

Another morning and I wake with thirst
for the goodness I do not have. I walk
out to the pond and all the way God has
given us such beautiful lessons. Oh Lord,
I was never a quick scholar but sulked
and hunched over my books past the
hour and the bell; grant me, in your
mercy, a little more time. Love for the
earth and love for you are having such a
long conversation in my heart. Who
knows what will finally happen or
where I will be sent, yet already I have
given a great many things away, expect-
ing to be told to pack nothing, except the
prayers which, with this thirst, I am
slowly learning.

~L

2011-07-27T21:17:00.000-05:00

alright. im just going to be honest.

this week is kicking my ass.

im tired. worn out. kind of fed up with bullshit.

i know. ive cursed twice in the last 2 lines.

BUT.

im all about honesty. and here it is. here's my life.

ive been feeling sick to my stomach all week for really no good reason.

there's stress. there's guilt. there's . . .

i dont even know. i dont know really what to say.

i have all of these thoughts & emotions built up in me.

with nowhere for them to go.

ive attempted to write. and have written. but i dont want to share.

so i guess im stuck.

ugh. i just need this week to be done!

so. instead. ill enjoy my newly purple hair. and attempt to sleep tonight.

seriously. this is all ridiculous.

im ready for a new week. or at least a new day.

2011-07-21T12:25:00.000-05:00

So. im super excited.

Today, after MONTHS of trying to take some time out & get together, im venturing an hour away to spend some time with my aunt Sharon (you can check out her blog here!)

So. im pumped. we've been trying to get together since January. At one point we both decided to be honest with each other & say that we were avoiding each other. That was earlier this year...

about a month ago i think we both finally realized that we were now ready to share our lives. not that it's hard for us to share them, but it has been hard to even think about sharing what we have wanted to share. We're finally able to speak about our adventures. whether they be good or bad. we're there! i like to call that growth!

anyway. im so excited. i was going to head out there a few weekends ago, but i became sick. no bueno.

BUT. its finally here. and im really excited about it. im excited to see my cousins. get dog-piled by them, hugged, loved on & just hang with them.

im excited to sit down & chat. and be able to be honest & not completely wrecked by whatever i have to talk about.

im also excited to sit in my car & drive. that's maybe one of my favorite things to do. grab a coffee. turn on some tunes. roll my window down. and just let the road take me away~

so. im pumped. i hope that your weekend is as wonderful as mine~!

(oh. have you checked out Mary Oliver yet? You havent? Do it. . . now! I packed my books in my backpack to take with. im excited. ill corrupt one more person :)

~L

2011-07-20T21:13:00.000-05:00

well. ive been wanting to blog for the past few days, but havent had anything exciting or interesting to share with the world.

life is fine. it has its bumps, but i feel like im navigating them really well. im trying to just allow to work in & through my life and i feel like ive maybe even done a good job...?... maybe? anyway, i feel really good about it.

ive been reading a lot of mary oliver lately & , as always, it has been life-changing. the way her words flow into & through my heart & soul is completely amazing to me. im not quite sure how she does it but it is amazing to me. absolutely wonderful~

so i want to share maybe one of her writings.

and im going to recommend her. go. buy a book. i get mine at the local barnes & noble. im sure you can find any of her works at a local bookstore. if you do, please tell me. read it. find the poems that speak to you. i have a few of them, but my favorites (i judge it by how many pages ive tagged) are Thirst. Dream Work. & Why I wake Early.

If you do happen to pick one up, i would love to hear from you. or if you have read anything else of hers, i would love to know as well. OR if you have a favorite poet that you would like to share with me, im all ears.

So...

Sunrise
m. oliver

You can
die for it-
an idea,
or the world. People

have done so,
brilliantly,
letting
their small bodies be bound

to the stake,
creating
an unforgettable
fury of light. But

this morning,
climbing the familiar hills
in the familiar
fabric of dawn, i thought

of China,
and India
and Europe, and I thought
how the sun

blazes
for everyone just
so joyfully
as it rises

under the lashes
of my own eyes, and I thought
I am so many!
What is my name?

What is the name
of the deep breath I would take
over and over
for all of us? Call it

whatever you want, it is
happiness, it is another one
of the ways to enter
fire.

2011-07-08T20:50:00.000-05:00

hi. its me again.

does it ever happen to you? do you ever find yourself completely overcome & overwhelmed by something greater than you could ever imagine? do you ever feel like there is something inside of you... something you cant explain... something there is no words for...?

that's where i am. right. now.

i went outside to water the herb garden. the mint was a bit sad earlier & so i wanted to check on it & see if it needed something more.

but when i went outside, the mint was full again. there was life in it. it had soaked in the water & let it do its thing. how wonderful. how magical.

that's how i feel. i feel like ive been watered. like somehow this shriveled up, shell of a life, is new again. if only for a moment~

i drove into town today & had my mind set on sitting at caribou & reading a book or two... i went there. placed my order. and went outside to soak in the hotness & humidity that the day had to offer.

i sat & read rob bell's "velvet elvis" & wow. it seemed to have stirred up something in me. im not sure what it was yet... if anything... but it gave me permission. permission to just be real & honest. to be the person that the Lord created me to be & to just live my life & somehow let my story unfold.

i then picked up my new mary oliver poetry book that i picked up the other day. it was wonderfully refreshing. her works always are~

i came home & just kind of sat in the coolness of the AC in the living room. watched a little of the office. decided that i wanted something more... that i needed something more...

so i washed my dinner dishes. i picked out a playlist. i made brownies. i cried. i simply allowed the Lord to just breathe life into me.

i allowed the simple, everyday things to fill me with joy.

im not sure what this is, and i dont even think that i want to know its name. i just want to remember it... and enjoy it for the gift that it is.

paul simon's "graceland" just came on... (click the title to listen~)
this song comes & grabs me at the moments i need it the most... its just beautifully simple... yet extraordinarily wonderful...

a poem by mary oliver came to mind while i was typing this out. i emailed it to a friend the other day... it has come up a few times these last few days, so im taking that as a sign from the Lord that maybe sending it was ok.

i hope that you can find life in it. i hope that maybe you can take a piece of it & be blessed by it.

listen to graceland. read mary oliver. then maybe do both together.

let the holy spirit do its thing.

maybe you can be blessed by them too~

wild geese
m. oliver

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and i will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of he rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, hard and exciting--
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

2011-07-08T00:07:00.000-05:00

“This is a spendthrift economy; though nothing is lost, all is spent” – Annie Dillard

isnt that the truth? nothing is wasted...

that's something that i have been thinking about a lot lately.

sometimes, life is really hard. really. fricking. hard. and sometimes there no use. its not worth it. sometimes its really hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

for me, i have to have hope. if there is something that im supposed to do or something that is required of me, i have to have hope that somehow it will all be worked out. if the Lord asks something really difficult of me, i have to hope that somehow it can or will be worked out for good in the end. if that hope isnt there, then neither am i.

yes. i understand how that may sound somewhat selfish, but i guess it is what it is.

anyway. like i said. ive been thinking about this a lot lately.

nothing is wasted. my fears. my guilt. my shortcomings. my hurt. my pain.

i had emailed my friend & told him this. that maybe somehow by writing about our pain, that maybe we're honoring it. not putting it on a pedestal. not stewing in it. not doing anything to it other than saying this is your name. you are a part of my life and i am accepting you for who or what you are.

maybe its even safe to say that pain can be... a gift...? maybe our pain is the only way that the Lord can speak something new & different & a bit deeper, into our lives.

pain has been a constant factor in my life for the past few years. some moments have been easier than other. others have been painstakingly hard & im still having to deal with it. sometimes it comes when i least expect it. sometimes i accept the possible pain that the Lord may be putting in my path. Either way... there it is. there it has been & there it will be following me forever.

now im not saying that i dont have moments of joy as well, but this is something a bit different.

but when i think about the thought that nothing is wasted... it kind of changes me a bit. it helps me attempt to think about the bigger picture.

ha... even as i type that out it sounds ridiculous because i dont have it altogether. im not perfect. i dont always see the bigger picture. i am constantly having words with the Lord. giving ultimatums. cursing. telling Him this is how things are done. so i definitely cant always see the bigger picture. and as much as i dont enjoy that, i have to think that there's something greater than me involved & working all things out for good.

that's my hope. that's what i hold onto. and i dont always do that. but its in my heart to... its at the core of me... :) (see previous post if you dont get it...!)

there's a line from an Over the Rhine song that my bff quotes when the topic of pain pops up...

"...And though we love to numb the pain
We come to learn that it's in vain
Pain is our mother
She makes us recognize each other..."

it's true. i think that when we can come together, be honest with our feelings, & just acknowledge our pain... we can see a bit of ourself in others. then we can have grace for each other... and grow... and maybe.

...just maybe...

it can be used for good in a way that nothing is wasted~

lauren

2011-07-05T22:01:00.000-05:00

so im sitting here. really hot. watching a bit of top chef. my mind is racing & im trying to sort & put thoughts & ideas into the places that they belong.

but there has been a theme in my life that has been coming up these last few days. im thinking that because it has come up multiple times, that maybe the Lord is trying to tell me something. or teach me something. or remind me of something.

i wish i could remember the context. heck, i wish i could remember the conversation. i guess that's not really important...

anyway. the thought that came up to me was this: i think that at the core of us, there is goodness. that the way we come into the world & the way we go out of this world... it's all good. that there is always goodness in us. and not only goodness but kindness. love. joy. peace. kindness. goodness. all of them above~

i think that when it gets tricky is when sin plays the part that it was born to play. sin is the next layer that comes right after our core. it's the one that distorts everything. it plays the part of the evil villain that takes everything good & somehow tries to change it.. to mold the goodness in us into something that is deep, dark & ugly.

think of this: someone's intentions may start out as wonderful & kind & good. however, when the sin, guilt, & shame in our lives come into play... it somehow gets distorted. jadedness could play a part? defensiveness? guilt? any number of things...

im not sure what to do with all of this. im not sure what to think of all of it. heck, im not even sure if it's a right way to think.

however.

it has given me a different insight into a few areas of my life... a couple of people in my life. it has given me a bit of grace for them. a bit of love. kindness. compassion. now im not saying that its all roses, but it's different...

so. those are my thoughts. i think that at the core of our being... that there is kindness. period. how it comes out & is displayed for the world to see is somehow up to us~

courageously thinking. & sorting,
lauren

2011-06-30T20:46:00.003-05:00

ok. today has been a hot day. im tired. ready for the weekend. just... wanting to hop in my car & drive for a good few hours. thats really what i want to do. thats been my week.

SO. the last thing that i really want to do is have something come up, hit me in the face & then be "forced" to blog about it. so there you have it. i dont want to be doing this, but i guess it is what it is.

"...there are, at the very least, a quarter of a million distinct English words..." (-oxforddictionaries.com)

love.
think of all the emotions that come up when you hear that word. some of you are smiling. some crying. angry. fuming. raging. mourning. etc. the list really goes on.

shit.
most of you are offended. some laughing. some wondering what is wrong with me. how far off the deep end have i gone. etc.

its interesting to see all of the emotions that come up when you say 1 word. when 4 different letters are put together to form something new. it could be offensive. it could be loving. kind... any number of things.

i had a brief conversation with a friend tonight... and when i say brief i mean brief because i just couldnt continue on with it.

i was asked if i wanted to hang around & let some stress out by killing some orcs on xbox. i laughed & declined. i then made, what i kind of half-heartedly meant as a joke, a quick remark about how thank you, but ill just go & do that through my words...

i was then called back into the room & just kind of asked about it.

something happened in me. i realized that maybe i meant what i had said.

im try to be so careful with my words. i would much rather email someone then talk to them face to face. why? i can gather my thoughts & present them with what i truly feel & mean after the emotions are gone from my face...

but its interesting. i have felt like that this past week. that every word from my mouth is somehow cutting into someone else. that im maybe slowly killing someone whether i tell them that im not sure what to do, or if im telling them that i love them...

its not in my heart to do that. its not in my heart to hurt anyone especially with my words.

so what now? i try to be kind. to myself. to others.

and i guess thats what ive got. im kind of over not having the right words... or saying the wrong things... or... anything along those lines.

so im sorry. if any of you have been on the receiving end of that... im sorry. i dont mean to. its not in my heart to be that way.

if i love... i love.

if i say shit... i mean it.

courageously attempting to say the right words,
lauren

honesty.

2011-06-21T21:01:00.000-05:00

so, i think its safe to say that we would all agree that honesty is the best policy. or, at least we've been brought up to believe that.

a few weeks ago a blueberry was found on the floor. my friend's little boy said that he didnt do it. She easily sweeped it up, & we moved on. Until we found out that he did in fact drop the blueberry on the floor. she then proceeded to tell him that now this would be a different conversation because he was not honest to begin with.

Hmm. isnt that how life works?

So you might be asking why im telling you that story & why im talking about this topic.

well, i like to think that im painfully honest here. there are few places where i think that its oK for me to go out & be honest. so im using this as a place to be honest about my recent run in with the Lord.

i was in my car, & just really sick of crap. i couldnt be cool. i couldnt be anything but honest. all virtue was gone, & i almost dared someone to get in my way. i was so angry & frustrated & throwing fits like i had watched go on throughout the day.

i cursed. i raged. i yelled. i cried. i screamed. all at the Lord.

Yes, i realize that some of you may be cringing in your seats right now. but if God is the God that we say He is... dont you think that He can handle a small being like me yelling at him for a couple minutes?

anyway. thats exactly what i did. i pitched a fit. i was so mad that the Lord hadnt honored what i had asked for. i asked when my turn in this life was going to begin. i begged Him for answers. i begged & i pleaded. i cursed. i cursed loud & clear for all of creation to hear.

"am i just a pawn in this game of life? does it matter what i want or what i feel?" those were the questions coming from my mouth faster than i could speak them.

i was sick of feeling this way. sick of feeling like the worst person alive. sick of... you name it. i just let it all out. i had to. i didnt know what else to do. im not one who can keep many things bottled up in me for too long. Yes, they may be bottled for a bit, but once it comes out i have to be able to control it OR. . . well you get the picture.

so where am i going with all of this? im not sure. im just wanting to be honest. honest with myself. honest with you. honest with the Lord. its not like He didnt know all of this already. so why not just put it all out there. . . maybe someone else can gain something from my childish ways~

- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

i woke up early the other morning & couldnt fall back to sleep. i decided to pick up my bible, but it just didnt feel right. instead i grabbed a book of poetry that sits on my nightstand. There was one that stood out to me & ive been thinking about it ever since. i hope that maybe it blesses one of you~

Six Recognitions of the Lord

number 2.

~m. oliver

Lord God, mercy is in your hands, pour

me a little. And tenderness too. My

need is great. Beauty walks so freely

and with such gentleness. Impatience puts

a halter on my face and I run away over

the green fields wanting your voice, your

tenderness, but having to do with only

the sweet grasses of the fields against

my body. When I first found you I was

filled with light, now the darkness grows

and it is filled with crooked things, bitter

and weak, each one bearing my name.

courageously just being angry,

lauren

damn it.

2011-06-08T21:49:00.000-05:00

those were the first words that popped into my head when this post decided to work its way into the universe.

im tired. i need to go to sleep. im feeling a bit stressed. and to be honest, i dont feel like being completely honest & fully putting myself out there. but. that goes against everything that this blog stands for. so crap. i guess im in a tight spot. so here goes nothing.

so. maybe im a bit stressed. maybe there are some things in my life that are causing me to... well be stressed. to maybe not eat a balanced meal. to maybe lie awake at night for hours after i have been dreaming awful, stressed dreams that border on anxiety attack material. maybe there's a lot of change going on. maybe i dont have a few of the tools that i need. maybe... maybe... maybe...

but here's the deal. along with all of this stress, comes this other thing... its kind of like guilt, but maybe not quite. but i dont have a better word for it yet.

its this thing called *insert word here*. its the feeling that you maybe just dont matter. not even that as much, but the feeling that "why in the hell am i complaining about this?! my life is so easy!" the feeling that you have when youre watching the Feed the Children commercials and you decide to never complain about anything again (and then 5 seconds later youre whining because theyre out of your flavored syrup at starbucks). the feeling that somewhere, someone has it harder than you, and how dare you complain about your wimpy little problems.

ive been feeling that a lot lately. in the grand scheme of things (yeah. thats my new favorite thing to say), my life is easy. people love me. they care for me. i have a GREAT new job (really!). im not beaten. im not starved. i sleep in a warm (or cool) bed every night. my life is fine.

but it gets tricky. because my life isnt fine. i have stress just like everyone else. i have issues JUST like everyone else. maybe theyre not a 9 on a 1-10 scale, but theyre mine.

theyre kinda like people's goals or dreams. they may not be big. but theyre your's. theyre the thing that, at the end of the day... no matter how good or bad... you can claim for yourself.

and i am feeling the weight of mine. some are rearing their ugly heads moreso than others. some are on the surface, while others are sitting in the cupboard for another day. either way, theyre mine. and its what im feeling right now.

there are often times where i wonder who reads my blog & why. and then i have moments, like right now, where i feel like people are reading my blog to know that theyre not alone. to maybe be able to see that someone else feels what theyre feeling. to know that someone is going through the same thing that theyre going through, & is just trying to be honest about it.

i think that we often times are taught that yes, someone will always have it harder than us, so we need to just be thankful. and i completely understand that. if we were to just sit & stew in our own self-pity, our lives would be awful. and i think that everything in moderation is a good thing to remember. i think that its ok to feel your feelings & to acknowledge them in a healthy way. however, if i were to be happy ALL of the time, i dont think that i would be able to grow in that. and if i were to be unhappy all of the time, i would really have no reason to continue in with the life that im living.

so there you have it. that's how im feeling. im feeling that i somehow need my feelings to matter. to not be judged based on anyone else's. to just be able to sit back and let them do their work in me & then get the hell over it.

courageously feeling a bit childish over this,
lauren

love wins?

2011-05-28T14:56:00.001-05:00

maybe you are familiar with it, and maybe you arent, but i have finally finished the book "Love Wins" by rob bell.

the only reason that i bought it & read it when it was first released was because of all the controversy surrounding it. if there is one thing that christians can do it is start up a firestorm & make more people see the movie, or read the book, just because there may be a hint of controversy surrounding it. so thank you everyone for freaking out about this book.

its taken me awhile to read. i usually breeze through books like the world's ending, but this one made my brain explode every time i sat down to read it. the questions that rob bell was asking were SO intense & thought-provoking that i just needed to have some time to process it all. they werent bad by any means, but they definitely sent me spinning in them for a bit. which was definitely a good thing.

before i really start writing about the book i just want to say first & foremost that i do not claim to know everything by ANY means. because i know that i dont. im not a schooled theologian. i dont have a masters in biblical studies. i just know what i feel the Lord has put on & into my heart. i may be wrong. what i type might not completely go alongside with what you believe. and i think that that is ok. and like i said... im probably wrong. but i know that if i am that the Lord will convict me & guide me to maybe what is right. or we may never know...

that all being said.

i loved this book. i loved it. i feel like i am the type of person that this book is meant for. its meant for someone who just need to hear about the love of Christ. That there is more to Him than anger & judgment & wrath & ...

i underlined this book like it was going out of style. while nannying i repeatedly had to tell the girls that only mommys & daddys & laurens write in books. that they do not!

ill probably just write out a few of the lines that meant something to me. They came along the more i read.

and can i just say this? im not seeing the controversy in the book. there are moments where i felt like maybe something was too far-fetched, but that doesnt mean that it isnt possible. God can do anything, right? Oh, and never once did i feel that Rob Bell was preaching universalism. really. my theory? read the book with an open mind before you go on judging it... im just saying...

moving on.

this book spoke about love. love. in a way that i have only ever heard once before. "...love, by its very nature, is freedom. For there to be love, there has to be the option, both now and then, to not love."
   I dont want a friend to love me because they have to. i dont want to be in a relationship where someone loves me because of something other than who i am. and i think that that goes the same for the Lord. He loves us just because that's who He is. And i think that its this beautiful thing that we choose to love Him. Why would He make us love Him? That just doesnt make sense to me.

"Could God say to someone truly humbled, broken, & desperate for reconciliation, "Sorry, too late"? Many have refused to accept the scenario in which somebody is pounding on the door, apologizing, repenting, and asking God to be let in, only to hear God say through the keyhole: "Door's locked. Sorry. If you had been here earlier, I could have done something. But now, it's too late."
--Ok. this may be where it gets a bit tricky. i know that some of you are reading this & thinking that im some crazed hippie. Here's the deal... this is also where it gets complicated for me. If God loves everyone, and i believe that He does, then would He be able to do that? I mean God is God, & He can do everything... but would He? If He wants all of us to be with Him & rejoice in & with Him, then wouldnt it make sense that He would open the door?

Yes, i understand that that may not be a "theologically correct" statement, BUT its definitely a question im asking myself & one that im wrestling with. For me, i dont feel like it is a "quitting the faith" type of statement, but i think that its one to think about & search out. It makes complete sense to me, but then again the Lord that i know in my life right now is Love.

continuing...

this next one really stuck with me:
"... the cross and resurrection are personal. This cosmic event has everything to do with how every single one of us lives every single day. It is a pattern, a rhythm, a practice, a reality rooted in the elemental realities of creation, extending to the very vitality of our soul."
     That's completely true. they are both very personal things. yes there are some foundational truths that christians as a whole believe, but i think that at the end of the day, everyone's journey... everyone's experience with the Lord is different.

"People come to Jesus in all sorts of ways." yep. enough said.

"When your God is love, and you have experienced this love in flesh & blood, here & now, then you are free from guilt and fear and the terrifying, haunting, ominous voice that whispers over your shoulder, "Youre not doing enough." The voice insists that God is, in the end, a slave driver."
   That is how i have experienced what i thought to be the Lord. I was filled with guilt & shame & fear that what i was doing was not enough. That there was no way that i could get into heaven cursing like that... or listening to music like that... or thinking like that... or any number of things. But that is not the God that i know now. The God that i experience now is one of love... and grace. Yes, i will mess up. Yes, i will make the wrong choice where i shouldve maybe made the right one. But isnt there grace for that? Isnt there the freedom to make those decisions? Ive had a few really tough conversations about that a few months ago, and i think of them often. Maybe im wrong? Maybe what im really seraching into right now is just too lovey dovey for some. But for me, i need that.
a summer ago i just started making some really bad decisions, and had a dear friend walk through it with me. it was a season where i knew that what i was doing was wrong, but walked through it anyway. my friend wrote me a note (that i stumbled upon the other day) and said that she felt like i was walking into a trap, but that i knew i was walking into a trap. and she was completely right. i had made definite decisions the day before & was ready for what was thrown my way. Now, if she had come to me & shamed me & guilted me into doing the right thing, honestly? i wouldve done the complete opposite. i wouldve gone out & dont stupid things & had to pay the price for the end. However, she came to me with love... and grace... and i could see it in her & i could sense it in her words. i dont know if ive ever really said it, but im so thankful for it. I knew that in the end that she would love me no matter what i decided to do. Does that make me an awful person for using that? I dont think that i used it... i just did really what i had to do. there were some things that i needed to experience & go through, and i am so thankful to say that truly... TRULY... the Lord saved me. I felt the hand of the Lord through the entire thing. LOVINGLY guiding me... and saving me in moments where i couldnt save myself. All of that to say... in my life right at this moment, the last thing that i need in my life is more guilt. i dont think that that is from the Lord. At least that is not the Lord that i know & experience right now...

One thing that i really enjoyed about this book is how Rob Bell approached the delivering of the "Good News".

"So when the gospel is diminished to a question of whether or not a person will 'get into heaven,' that reduces the good news to a ticket, a way to get past the bouncer and into the club. The good news is better than that. ...Life has never been about just 'getting in.' Its about thriving in God's good world. It's stillness, peace, and that feel of your soul being at rest, while at the same time its about asking things, learning things, creating things, and sharing it all with others who are finding the same kind of joy in the same good world."
   Ive often wondered about that... the "scare tactics" that are used in " winning people for the Lord." Are their hearts truly changed or are they just afraid of the very thing that will save them? I dont want to rely on that. I dont want to love & get to know that Lord. I know that the Lord has anger & wrath & all of those other attributes, but i wonder about what He would think about that? Would you want someone to love you because youre afraid that they will condemn you to hell forever if you dont? I know i dont want that for myself, so why would i explain it that way to others? i wouldnt... i know that that part is real, but so are both sides. You also have to explain the loving Lord. I know that goes both ways...

So what did i learn from this book? i learned that the Lord loves. Having known the Lord that condemns if you dont read your bible & pray every day (which i think that that is just a view of the Lord that people use to scare into line) i need to know another side of Him. I need to know that He loves me & will continue to love me & offer grace not IF i mess up, but WHEN i mess up. because i do. and i will continue to do so.

So my final thoughts? i really enjoyed it for what it was. i felt that the controversy surrounding it was completely unnecessary, but i think that it can be used for good. Heck, i went out and bought the book because of it. and the book and the controversy surrounding it has been all over the news & in magazine articles. i feel like now is the time for Christians as a whole to show the love of the Lord & not look down or condemn others because they may believe differently. I dont think that he was saying that we dont need to go out & continue sharing the love that the Lord offers. I didnt get that at all.

So that's what i hope to go out & keep doing... or at least try to do. love. love the best that i can. love those who dont get that sort of love from the church. love those who maybe dont love me back. and let them know that the Lord loves them so much more... because of who they are...

courageously saying that yes, love does win,
lauren

Do you ever wonder...

2011-05-19T14:00:00.000-05:00

... if somehow our westernized mindset has completely messed everything up?

that in an effort to make things simpler, that we've actually made things harder?

im reading the book Love Wins by Rob Bell. i know... whoa controversy... but i havent come across that yet.

what i have come across is love. in iits simplest form. its so easy. you just love. nothings else. there's not a set of rules or guidelines that you have to follow. just love.

its interesting because the people of the old testament lived my law. the 10 commandments. sacrifices. rituals. you name it.

and then came this man called Christ. He changed everything. a radical. a man who would change the world.

yet the Pharisees still lived by the law. they were the ones coming after Jesus & His followers... asking the questions to basically have Him "prove" that He was the Son of God.

but i wonder... a lot of people say that they live in love & grace... but do they? do i? do we?

i will be the first person to say that i do not always follow those rules. but i try. i really do.

but think about it. "It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery." (galations 5:1)

but how many laws or rules have we picked up after accepting the freedom of Christ? does the verse go... "for it is by reading your bible every day that you are saved?" does it read "go to church every sunday & your name will be written in the book of Life?

or does it read this...

"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith-and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God-not by works, so that no one can boast." (ephesians 2:8,9)

now dont get me wrong. i think that reading your bible & praying are crucial to growing in your faith.

But... that is not what will save me. that will not make me any better than anyone else.

if i learn anything from reading this book it will be that love wins. really. maybe not in the context that he is writing about. but in the context of the Lord i believe just that. that the Lord is love. and to love others is to love the Lord.

that's what ive got right now. that's what i know. that's what i hope for.

so courageously willing to keep on being wrong... or maybe sometimes right...
lauren

2011-05-18T21:37:00.000-05:00

Ugh. So ever since blogger went down i have not been able to sign in. so finally i had to download a new internet browser, & it has solved my problem. for now. im not happy about it by any means, but it will do for now.

so anyway, i received a few questions from some friends & typed them up. There are still some others that i havent gotten around to answering, SO if you dont see any of yours up, no worries. i will get to them shortly.

ps: whoever the anonymous person who left the comment about where babies come from is... i laughed at that one. but unfortunately (or fortunately?) for you, i wont be answering that one. sorry.

without further ado...

Here's my question: Is it hard for you to be that honest? Are you worried about what people will think of you that knew you when you were the girl that you were in the past? Does this even make sense? hahah! We'll see!

To answer your questions, is it hard to be honest? not really. its really all that ive got, so i may as well use it to its full potential. its the story that the Lord has given me to share with the world. . . who i am to deny that to someone who may need to hear it?

That all being said, yes i am sometimes worried about what people, who know the "old me", will think. i was talking with an old friend of mine, & he told me this: "Lauren. no matter what you try to tell yourself, youre still the same ol' lauren. you havent changed a bit."

whoa. who knew that words could sting so much? dont people want us to change & grow?

i think that certain people have certain perceptions about who i am based on who i used to be. So when they try to speak into my life & offer up advice, its hard because i know that theyre not talking to me. . . to the me that ive become. theyre talking to the lauren that they know. and its hard because i want to bless them somehow & say thank you for being a part of my life at one point, but i also want to tell them to shut the hell up! because they dont necessarily know what theyre speaking into. and that's where it gets tricky.

so its a fine line. usually i just keep my mouth shut via electronic communication, but then i just talk it out with the BFF who somehow brings me back to sanity... :)

i will say this. there are some people who i let speak in still... i could probably name them on 1 hand, but its good advice nonetheless... :)

Ok. the honesty bug always gets the best of me. frig.

so Kaitlyn had asked if its ever hard to be honest... yes. but maybe not about what you may think...

In order to be honest i have to just sit down, write, & post. thats it. no editing. no spell check. no nothing. i just sit & write.

and that is hard because i am so afraid of coming across as dumb. or naive. or not smart. or. . . anything else. . .

so often times i get really insecure about repeating myself, or using incorrect punctuation or improper grammar. i know that may sound ridiculous, but i am pretty insecure about that.

so those are two things about my blog that make me nervous. that people who used to know me will put me back into that box, & that people will judge me based on my swift typing of the blog. . .

what did u want to be when u were a kid?

What did i want to be when i was a kid? Its funny because i just admitted this to my dear friend a couple of months ago...

When i was younger what i really wanted to was win an academy award... that's one of the things that ive really ever wanted.

In 8th grade we had to make a presentation of what we wanted to be when we grew up. I slapped on a few pictures of famous actors & actresses (the only one i remember is a pic of Jennifer Love Hewitt!) and presented away. I dont think that anyone was really surprised about my career choice...

Ive always enjoyed acting. When i was in 5th grade i played the main in the school's production of Beauty & the Beast. It was just a one week put the production together sort of thing, but i thrived off of it. And then when i was a freshman in high school, it was the first year that we started putting on musicals again. I excitedly tried out, & played a town girl in our production of 7 Brides for 7 Brothers. I loved every minute of it. . . well minus all of the high school drama that goes on backstage.

My biggest acting moment came for me when i was a jr. in high school.

Auditions were being held at the beginning of the school year for the musical, & i put my heart & soul into it. I knew that since i was only a jr that i probably wouldnt get a big part, but i wanted to go for it. I knew that if i did i could maybe get a minor major role.

I remember them announcing the cast over the intercom at the end of, i THINK it was history class. It was announced that i would have the understudy role of Sandra Dee in our school's production of Grease...! I was literally crying. I was so excited to be able to be doing 2 things that i loved to do (act & sing) in front of an audience. I was only the understudy so i had 2 of the 5 shows, but i didnt care. It was as if somehow a part of my dream came true. The even better part was that when i wasnt playing Sandy, that i got to play the part of Viola, the soda shop waitress! I didnt care what part i was playing, because i was doing what i loved. Even as a waitress with maybe 5 lines, i still felt like i had the respect of my peers. It was something that ive always loved doing.

These days, my acting involves me pretending i know what im talking about when someone comes up & asks me if i know anything about a table saw! haha!

I will say this... i still have dreams about winning an academy award. But theyre just that... dreams.

Every year i sit & watch the Oscars & usually cry when someone wins. Their speeches are sometimes more wonderful than their roles in the movie that they starred in! But i get so wrapped up in it & somehow, sometimes it feels as if im there.

Maybe someday~

if u ran into the 10 year old version of yourself, would she be disappointed in you?

And would my 10 year old self be disappointed in me...? Hmm... that's a tricky question. I know what my gut tells me, but i also know what maybe the truth or the "right answer" is.

My first gut answer was Yes. Yes, i do think that my 10 year old self would be disappointed in me. Why? Oh where do i begin...

I had such great dreams for myself when i was younger. Ok, so maybe they werent great, but they were mine. I wanted a simple life. I wanted to marry my high school sweetheart, get married, & have a ton of kids. I was going to live in southern MN with my best friend, Christina, & we were going to grow old as neighbors and raise our kids & take care of our husbands.

WHOA!! That is NOT what my life is looking like at ALL! There are definitely moments where i look at my life and grieve my old dreams... the old life that i wanted for myself. And i still do want parts of that for myself. I still want to be married & have a wonderful family, but i also want to be healthy.

Being at this place in my life right now, i mean there is no way that i can go back to where i was 3 years ago let alone 14 years ago. I am where i am, & its not what i necessarily dreamed for myself, but its what ive got. and im going with that. And in the end i think that its probably better than what i couldve ever dreamed for myself anyway~

I just hope that the 24 year old can keep giving me grace in another 14 years. . .

If you could go back in time 1 yr what advice would you give yourself?

Run. stay inside. harden your heart. just say no. go to work. go home. dont speak to anyone. if someone asks you about yourself, or for your number or email address or... just say no.

because life is easier that way. you wont have to learn anything. you can stay in you small bubble, lead a smaller life, & hope that there's grace for you.

That's what i wouldve told myself a year ago. Since i received that question, ive done nothing but think about what my year ago looked like. i was just starting at sears, meeting new friends, & making awesomely awful decisions. Let me rephrase... the choices that i made arent that awful. really. in the long run & compared the others, theyre pretty tame. However, for me... it was a bit rough.

i learned a lot of things the hard way, & had always hoped, & even thought, that i was better than that. that i didnt need to go out into the world & wreak havoc. I could just go out there, do my thingm & be ok with that.

Here's the kicker... i wouldnt be who i am now without experiencing those things. I wouldnt have known & felt the true love & grace that i experience now. Maybe there was another way for me to learn all of it, but maybe not. Maybe it would be harder now... either way. Im thankful that i know those things, but wish i couldve learned an easier way...

Another great thing that i learned through this past year was that my love for the Lord kind of won. I always knew that i loved the Lord, but i always wondered what would happen when i had to choose between loving the Lord & loving someone else...

and my love for the Lord prevailed. I couldnt turn my back on everything that i had learned, & how i had grown. It was hard. I was a broken person... but i learned valuble things. and i grew... so much more than i couldve ever thought.

So that's what i would tell myself. I would tell myself to run away, and harden my heart, and just go to work and then go home... because that's easy. and its not hard. But knowing me... i probably wouldnt listen to myself anyway...

courageously being really annoyed at having to type this out on a different browser,
lauren

2011-05-12T12:58:00.000-05:00

i know. its me again. but i figured that if you didnt want to hear from me, that you wouldnt read my blog! so booya!

:)

anyway. i have been thinking all morning & came up with kind of an idea. . .

i have this writing bug in me & cannot get it out. i want to write & write but have nothing really great to write about. SO. enter my blogging/facebook/twitter world friends.

do you have a question for me? is there something that youre itching to ask? whas my favorite color? my celeb crush? my thoughts on gay marriage? do i really think the world will end in 2012?

well, here is your chance. ask away. please be sensitive & not ask me what my deepest darkest secret is. i probably wont answer that one.

but feel free to tweet a question to me (LVO87), facebook me, email me (lauren.voges@gmail.com) or leave a comment on my blog. if you want to remain nameless & not have me know that you asked me a certain crazy question, then feel free to leave a comment on my blog as anonymous. i wont be offended. just a little bit annoyed.

so have at it. give it a go. ask away. ill try to be as honest as i can be. yet ill try to be as sensitive & kind as i can be too. im human.

courageously telling you all to go for it,
lauren

2011-05-11T19:38:00.000-05:00

So. i was washing a couple of dishes & my brain started to wander.

i started thinking about some words of advice... yep. ill call them that... that a friend gave to me the other night. my friend thought that they would be helpful, & they were, but the situation we were talking about is so much more complex than what they know....

ok. anyway. that's not the point. the point is, the advice that i was given has stuck with me & im trying to find a place for it. the only thing thats tricky about the whole thing is that i wanted to ask them if they could apply that to their life. i wanted to ask if they were telling that more for me... or more for themselves.

so it got me thinking. how often do i get advice or comments from other people, that really have nothing to do with my situation? how often are people trying to tell themselves the truth through their words to me?

and then i got thinking even more! how often do i do that? how often do i tell people things that i want to believe, too?

a friend of mine had told me the other day that sometimes she tells people that she will pray for them, & then forgets about it. she seemed heartbroken about it. . . that somehow she had let those people down.

i told her that the Lord knows our hearts & i just hope that He honors those thoughts that i have.

now. yes, i told her that for her because that's how i feel. however, it was as if i was telling myself the same thing. i know that in that moment i was telling myself the same thing. i was giving myself my own advice.

there were people when i was younger who gave me pretty good advice. i mean i never had anyone really steering me in the wrong direction.

however. sometimes there are subjects & thoughts & feelings that you just need to find someone who can relate to you. there are definite moments where i wish i had someone like that in my life growing up. . . really at any moment in my life. someone who i really related to & could go to with anything.

i have that in my life now. and im so thankful for that. because sometimes it is just nice to know that someone is as fucked up as you. that someone is honest & real & willing to be open about their hurts. their hang-ups. and just be real.

i dont always want to hear what a good christian would do. i dont always want to hear advice. sometimes you just need someone to meet you where you are. and love you. and just sit with you. and cry with you.

now i am not a hug kind of person. yes i have my moments with the little kiddos where i can just snuggle with them all day but if you need a hug, please... dont call me. anyway. a couple of months ago i felt like i got slapped in the face & punched in the stomach. i didnt know what to do & was at my breaking point. and it was super late at night and everyone at home was tired. and my dear, dear friend heard me crying. and instead of trying to fix everything or attempt to make it better, she met me where i was. she hugged me. and sat with me. and said nothing other than that she loves me.

and im totally sitting here sobbing thinking about it because it meant so much to me.

she met me where & when i needed it the most.

i wonder how different the world would be if we all did that? if instead of trying to fix everything & everything we would be able to lay down our own thoughts & ideas & preconceived notions & just meet people where they are... and love them.

now. im not saying that advice is bad. and im thankful that they gave me the advice that they did. im just wondering what would happen if we listened to our own advice. or what would happen if we didnt give advice.

and maybe listened? i dont think anyone reading this could tell me that they didnt want someone listening to them. and meeting them where they are... hang-ups & all.

courageously trying to meet & listen,
lauren

2011-05-09T20:54:00.000-05:00

ok. i feel as if i have been lying to the both of us since the last time i updated my blog.

underneath my picture, there is an excerpt from a poem written my Mary Oliver from Thirst, a book of poems. (the title is More Beautiful than the Honey Locust Tree Are the Words of the Lord #7.)

i love that poem. i love the whole book. it was my entry point into her writings, & it will always hold a special place in my heart.

anyway. sometimes that is how i feel. sometimes, when im at my lowest of lows and know that im as small as i can be, that is all that i want. to be the smallest stone in a ring worn by those who are brave.

and then there are times where i just want to live the biggest life that the Lord will give me.

i told a friend that i wanted to live a big life... he told me that he knew i wanted that. that i wanted something bigger & better in my life. and that i could have just that. (i hope you know who you are~)

anyway. that's what i want. i want to live a big life. and i know the cost of it. i know that it will not be easy. but i feel like im ready for it. ready for something greater than myself.

So. back to the point of this post. i feel that by putting out there that i would be content with something anything less than what i want, is not what is true to me or my heart. and every time i go to type up a post, i see that excerpt & it just doesnt sit right with me.

so. what do i decide to do?

i decide to bear my heart just a little bit more. thats what i do. i share my heart in hopes that someone. . . anyone. . . can be blessed by it. or learn or grow from it. to maybe learn from my mistakes. or my little stories that i have to bring.

so there it is. its a "lauren original." and its my heart. so be gentle. its a fragile thing. but its big. and has moments of strength.

thank you dear readers for challenging me. . . even when you dont even know it~

courageously telling the truth,
lauren

2011-05-08T15:40:00.001-05:00

ok. i went to church today. it was good. it's always good...

but. i dont have much to share about it. im just letting it sink in and hopefully being open to what the Lord has for me.

instead ill share this with you. i stumbled upon it again last night, and it does something different in me every time i read it.

its an excerpt from a book about Bono. (Bono: In Conversation with Michka Assayas) I read it while i was in Ireland, & it changed my life. seeing someone with the same beliefs as me, but living in complete freedom... WOW. it was amazing to me. i just ordered it from amazon... im excited to pick it up again. i can 99% say that i believe i will see Bono in heaven some day. why only 99%? im not God.

So. here is the link. click it. read it. enjoy it. buy the book. read it. enjoy that.

Ill leave you with a quote that resounded in me the most: "I'd be in big trouble if Karma was going to finally be my judge. I'd be in deep shit. It doesn't excuse my mistakes, but I'm holding out for Grace. I'm holding out that Jesus took my sins onto the Cross, because I know who I am, and I hope I don't have to depend on my own religiosity."

AH! I just realized i didnt include the link! Worst

blogger ever!! Click HERE!!! to read the full excerpt!

courageously enjoying a relaxing sunday,
lauren

2011-05-07T12:21:00.000-05:00

Ok. so all i want to do is write. and write. and write.

but i have no inspiration. at least no inspiration that i want to really write about.

where do you all get your inspiration from?

i went to a friend's art show at a local coffee shop. i walked in, ordered a yin yang (a white & milk chocolate mocha. yum.) anyway. it was so great seeing her. she is so sweet & kind and i knew that her art was going to be wonderful.

and it was. she wrote up a little bit about her art & what she was trying to convey through her art. after reading that, i looked at her works... amazing. i was literally moved to tears. there is something about art, whether it be writing, painting, music, etc. when it's good it it supposed to convey some sort of emotion. and it was good. i felt deeply moved by it. through her paintings she revealed her life. i could see her feelings. her tears. her heart. i could see her.

that is what i want. when i sit down to blog, i want people to see my heart. i want people to see the person that ive become. im not who a lot of you think that i am anymore. ive changed my whole life. i feel that i am the person that the Lord originally created me & intended for my life to be.

So what is the point of all of this? im not sure. im looking for inspiration. something to keep me writing. im not going to stop, but im needing to find something that keeps working in & through me.

So what's your inspiration? what changes your life? what moves you towards emotion? what is something greater than yourself that you cant wait to share with others?

that's what im looking for. that's what im waiting for.

im heading up to church tomorrow. by myself. big deal! anyway. im hoping to find my inspiration there. for the Lord to move me the way that He faithfully does.

if you click this link, it will take you to my friend's art site where you can view her work. i love it. im so thankful to know her~!

courageously looking for inspiration,
lauren

~

2011-05-06T21:18:00.000-05:00

the air is damp.
pregnant with the world's sorrows.
pregnant with mine.

the sky holds them close to its heart.
not wanting to let them go.

not wanting to lose something so safe,
yet so tragic.

but somehow when it can no longer hold the
weight of the world, the air releases its tears.

yours.
mine.
all joined together

to cleanse the world.

courageously saying that ive obviously had maybe too much to drink & posting random excerpts, that ive written, from my journal,

lauren

2011-05-04T13:17:00.000-05:00

alright. so im wanting to be a bit light-hearted today, but wanting to just say a few words.

lately ive been really trying to maintain 1 common thread with all of my blogs: honesty. and ive done that, to a point where people are commenting & emailing me. and that's great. really. i love hearing from my readers. its nice to know that people care enough to take the time.

that being said. i only ask a couple of things from you. i ask for your kindness. i ask for your grace. i ask that you try to leave your judgments at the door. i know it may seem like a lot, but i am pouring my heart out here. and i want to continue being as honest as i can. because right now, i feel like that is the story that the Lord is wanting me to tell. a raw & honest truth.

So thank you.

So what i was going to do was post a few excerpts from a new book that i had received in the mail the other day. but im starting to think that i dont want to...

ive highlighted a few lines from it & the more i think about it, the more personal they become to me. Theyre speaking to me in such an intimate way that only the Lord can do, that im just not wanting to share those thoughts right now.

ok. i need to just sign out now. i dont have anything great to say. and i feel as if im wasting good blog space. so there you have it.

courageously not saying anything exciting,
lauren

2011-05-03T13:21:00.000-05:00

"We have to give up our names, our

reputations, our lives to speak the

truth."

-Jim Caviezel

sometimes that is how i feel every. single. time. i sit down to blog...

courageously trying to keep it honest,

lauren

2011-05-01T22:47:00.000-05:00

alright blog readers. its sunday. and that means i went to church and i received what i hope is from the Lord.

Now, i will say that there were different aspects to my experience this morning, and im only going to touch on one because i am waiting for a strong yet clear revelation from the Lord. And as honest as i try to be here, this is not a place for this type of honesty yet~

So. Last week Pastor Mick has told us that the next sunday (this sunday) would be a communion service. wow. i was really excited about it? Why? well, in all of the few times that i have attended this church i had never been to a communion service. Also, he was SO EXCITED about it!

now, when i usually think communion service i think of lights being dimmed. guitars slowly (and quietly) being strummed, and people around me with their heads bowed, & tears being shed.

i did not experience that this sunday. i experienced life. and grace. and life again!

we ate the bread. we drank of the juice. we ate the bread again. and drank again. and again. and again. until it was gone. we had a mini-meal. we prayed for ourselves. for deliverance. we prayed for our friends. for deliverance. we prayed for our country. for deliverance. we prayed for . . . for deliverance.

we prayed for deliverance.

because isnt that how the passover started?

"So Moses said, 'This is what the LORD says: 'About midnight I will go throughout Egypt. Every firstborn son in Egypt will die, from the firstborn son of Pharaoh, who sits on the throne, to the firstborn son of the slave girl, who is at her hand mill, and all the firstborn of the cattle as well." -Exodus 11:4-5

the Exodus. its about the LORD. . . Yahweh. . . I AM. . . delivering His people out of slavery & into freedom.

THAT is what i feel the Passover is about. The LORD delivering His chosen people from slavery. . . from the wrath of Pharaoh. . .

and that is what He did.

Granted there is a whole other story to be finished, but here's the kicker. The LORD came to set us free. . . period. Free from ourselves. free from our sin. free from our past. free from. . . insert anything here. . .

"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery." -Galations 5:1

The LORD did not set us free to be set under another ruler. . . to have to live under the rule of gossip. . . addiction. . . guilt. . . shame. . . etc. . .

the LORD set us free to just be free. to live a life with Him. . . to Glorify Him. . . to rejoice with Him. . .

i had a bit of clarity today. . . i know my yoke. my burden. and im not sure what to do about it yet. i do know that there is a choice to be made, but im not sure what the is yet.

so please pray. pray for revelation. that the Lord would show me & guide me. that i would know what to do & when to do it. and that He would give me the strength that i need.

i am so grateful to have been a part of such a wonderful service today.

Oh! I forgot one of the best parts. i was able received the weight of my burden today because at the beginning of the service i felt one thing. the thing that had been missing last week: Hope. I felt the LORD stirring in me & filling me with the one thing that had been lacking... i was & am so grateful for that~

so there you have it. there is a part of my sort-of revelation from church this morning... im thankful for it... for now... ;)

courageously attempting to hold onto hope,
lauren

2011-04-29T22:38:00.000-05:00

Ok. I probably shouldnt be writing this right now. I can feel my heart racing & my adrenaline pumping. i feel irritated & annoyed.

Before i was signing off my computer to read the latest book that im reading, i noticed a video that someone had posted on facebook. a video about modesty & what guys think about it. Ok. i was intrigued. i grew up in a christian home & church & know all about that. so i decided to watch the video.

Bad Idea.

im sorry. i have definite issues with the church & how they go about teaching modesty to women. I remember being in youth group when i was in jr high & basically being told that if i showed ANY type of skin on my stomach, or above my knee, that i was just asking guys to look at me wrong. Oh, and also that i was causing the guys at my youth group to stumble. and that it was my fault because i wore those types of clothes.

Ok. Lets back this train up, shall we? HELLO?! Since when am i responsible for someone else's thoughts? when did that happen?!

This past weekend i went up to the cities with my dear friend, & one of the goals was swimsuit shopping. I havent gotten a new swimsuit in years, & was ready for a great 2 piece swim suit. preferably one that wasnt going to be perfect for a christian summer camp.

awful. the whole experience was awful. i will be the first to say that i have a pretty not ok self-image. i do not see the truth when i look at myself. plain & simple. am i working on it? yes. am i completely blaming anyone for it? not quite...

i get what the video is saying. i understand that that is a struggle for most guys. however. that is not my sole responsibility in this life. that should not have been taught to me the way that it was. instead it made me feel like a whore whenever i wore something even remotely risque. 10 or more years later and i still have to ask my friend if its OK to wear an amazingly cute dress to church EVEN IF it happens to fall an inch above the knee.

Now im not necessarily the kind of person to draw lines (at least im working on it...) but come on. If there has to be one drawn, where should it be? Yes. Women should be able to wear clothes. great clothes. cute clothes. APPROPRIATE CLOTHES FOR THE LOCATION. I get all of those things. Im not going to show up at church wearing a short mini-skirt with a tube top & hooker boots (however i do wear my boots almost every sunday...). But what if someone does? should we look down upon them and tell them that they need to change because "they are causing men to stumble?" NO! That would be so completely wrong... but it happens. The looks of judgment are there. Ill admit that im sometimes guilty about that. Of course i still have that seed of judgment in there. But if i judge them i have to judge myself as well.

Ok. So i only watched part of the video, because i had to stop. there was a line in it that said this:

"Girls, before you go out you need to have your dad screen your wardrobe."

Ok. so then can i add a quote of my own?

"Guys, before you go out with a girl can you have your mom screen your thoughts & motives before you ask that girl out?"

OR

"Guys, can you have your moms check out your personality to make sure that youre not a complete asshole before you say things or make promises that you cant keep?"

Yes. i may be a bit bitter. i would prefer broken-hearted. maybe not even that. just hurt.

HOWEVER.

That still does not justify anything. Im sorry. i may be completely stepping on toes right now, but i can say that a lot of my self-image has to do with that.

i truly feel that if we can teach girls to be comfortable in their skin & with their sexuality, things could be a lot different. maybe even better. instead we tell girls that they have to hide their bodies because guys cant deal with it.

so what about the girls who make themselves sick after meals? do we tell them to stay away from bathrooms? what about the girls who struggle with gossip? do we tell them to not talk to any other form of life?

God made women. period. The human form is a beautiful thing, and instead of embracing it for what it is we just dismiss it as wrong & immediately put a label on it & make a law. im sorry, but my life just doesnt work that way anymore.

so here's my theory:

where i should be held responsible, i will take that up and stand by my role. by men... its time to man up. take responsibility for your actions. find a buddy & be accountable. be honest with yourself. be honest with the Lord. just be honest! stop living by your guilt. let the Lord guide you with his grace & mercy to conviction. be wrong! own up to your mistakes and move on. but dont put it back on me. dont make me, or any other girl, take the fall for your thoughts. that was and never has been my responsibility. your thoughts are your own.

so own them.

now. im not perfect. and i can safely say that i will be receiving messages & comments about this topic. and thats great. i would be more than willing to discuss this because i can say that my life has been affected by this in way too many ways. but i can move forward. i can take responsibility for my actions and what i need to do and keep on doing what the Lord has called me to do. I know im not perfect, & i hope i dont come across as that. i just really have a hard time seeing things that i was taught when i was younger, & still seeing it be taught today... KNOWING how it affected & still affects me to this day. im just not ok with that.

courageously rockin' a kickin' bikini this summer,
lauren

my easter

2011-04-26T13:58:00.000-05:00

Alright. Easter has come & gone, and i find myself putting off my last post of that season... even as i sit here at Caribou i find myself putting it off... doing anything that can distract me...

why have i been putting it off? that's easy. something happened to me during the Easter service this year, and its one of those things where im not sure what it was, and it wasnt necessarily great.

let me start this by saying that i love my church. love it. only place that i have ever... ever... ever truly felt the love of Christ. The only place that i know of that the fruit, by all members of the staff, is good fruit that i cannot get enough of. When i make it up to the cities on a sunday morning, i take it as a gift; a treasure. a well of life that will never run dry... no matter how many times i do or do not attend. the Pastor is wonderful. so full of life, love, grace, kindness, compassion, etc. i could go on forever. So when i say all of those things, and then speak about the sermon, im moreso speaking about what happened to me instead of the actual words that were said. just thought id clarify for a minute :)

Ok. i was sitting in church. wearing my easter best. standing there and worshipping the Lord. hoping. begging. pleading. that somehow the Lord would reach. minister. move my heart in some way shape or form.

and then something came over me. not the usual feeling of hope that comes to me on easter, but the exact opposite.

hopelessness set in. insecurities. fear. insignificance. doubt. shame. worthlessness. failure. insignificance. again.

it all welled up in me before i even knew what to do with it. and i just stood there. i felt like a bag of bones with nothing inside of me, and i kept thinking to myself, "What in the hell is going on? why am i feeling this way? this my my favorite holiday! why? what in the world?!"

i was terrified. but at the same time i had gone into such a strange place there i didnt really have any feeling of terror. i felt calm. too calm. numb? im not sure. but something definitely happened.

and i started to think about it. the pastor was speaking about how God changes people's lives. he heals them. he takes them from their situation and does great things! I know that God! I believe in that God, and trust that He does those things.

However, as i was thinking about it i started to think about where i am and the environment that has been around me. I didnt grow up in a bad home. i was loved. i went to church every sunday. i fought with my siblings, but still liked them. it was OK. i was average. Ok, so there's no big deal...

but then i thought about everything a bit more... i was never a complete crazed Christian. i feel like ive always had somewhat of a realistic outlook on life. so i was never one of those "happy all the time, glass half-full" christians that walked around with my salvation on my sleeve. it just wasnt my style.

So where did/do i fall? well... i feel like i was right in the middle with everything. and i feel like that's where i am right now. nothing special is going on. nothing exciting. im not a super christian, but im flaming atheist either. i just am. and i realized that during the service. and it took me to the following verse:

"I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one of the other! So, because you are lukewarm-neither hot nor cold-I am about to spit you out of my mouth." -Revelation 3:15,16

Those words stuck to & stung me. (And im realizing that it was probably something using those words against me, but there it is.) i felt like i was so easily thrown away... that i wasnt one way or the other, & so i just was blah. there was no taste to me. nothing special or exciting.

***Ok. i feel like i move on any further i just need to say that im fine. im sorting through this. i know the truth. i do not need you all to validate me. words of encouragement are great, but not needed. thats not saying you cant say how awesome my blog is ;), but im releasing you if the feeling to fix me rises up in you...***

if you have read the Harry Potter books, or have seen the movies you have probably heard of Ron Weasley. He is the 6th boy in a family of almost all boys (the youngest is a girl). I love him. In all of the movies, i am completely delighted by him. He's funny. charming. a little insecure. and not necessarily the hero. Harry Potter is his best friend. Harry Freaking Potter. the Boy Who Lived (seriously... just read the books). the Chosen One. So who is Ron in all of this? Is there a point to him being a part of the story? He's not a super villain. He's not the hero. He's not brilliant. Possibly just there for a bit of comic relief.

Man. That is how i feel. that is how i have felt. like somehow i am easily replaced. its happened. it has been done before. im used to it. not a big deal. i can get over it.

but to feel those things during an easter service. im not quite sure in which basket or file folder that i should place those thoughts. right now theyre strewn across my floor. waiting to be sorted. but its too much. its too hard.

so what do i do instead? i sit at a coffee shop & write about it for the world to see.

i feel insignificant. replaceable. fear. doubt. hopelessness. stagnant. tired. forgotten. not heard.

im not quite sure what to do with that. and what's even harder is having people in the world validate my worst fears. they probably dont mean to. and i dont like sometimes having people manipulate & shape my emotions. but it happens. and im stuck. and im not quite sure what to do with it.

the pastor called for a time of prayer during the service, & i tried so hard to hold it together. SO hard. and i did. but i begged & pleaded with the Lord. I made deals. i told the Lord what i wanted. that i wanted to feel needed. to feel wanted. to somehow have Him show me that im not completely worthless (once again. i know that im not. BUT...). that what i have to say & to give to this world matters. that maybe im on the right track. that i havent completely strayed off of a trail. that i want to mean something on this earth. i dont want to just be a person that gets through life. i want to live mine. and to love it. and to maybe even make a difference. anything.

So.

that's where im at right now. easter was not what i expected or wanted it to be. and, like i said earlier, im still sorting through that. there has to be something to learn. somewhere. so i guess all that i can do is keep begging. pleading. hoping that ill hear something...

courageously crying out,
lauren

2011-04-20T21:37:00.000-05:00

Alright. So im sitting here with another blog post stirring. a friend emailed me, & said that he was behind on my readings already. Well buddy, looks like im leaving you behind for a little bit longer! :)

Anyway, i blogged about holy week last time, & im still at it. This time, however, it started with Lady Gaga & the women of the View. what?! yes. ill explain.

This morning i was watching the View (hey. its a good show sometimes alright?!) and they brought up the controversy surrounding Lady Gaga's new song "Judas." If you have not heard, she released this song earlier this week. What everyone's enraged about, im not sure. i mean, i get it, but someone at any given time is going to stir up controversy. Anyway...

they started talking about predestination vs. free will right there on daytime tv! I was a bit intrigued, & decided to keep watching. they were talking about Judas & Whoopi Goldberg said, "the only person who didnt have a choice was judas. without him having done what he did everything else could not have followed. he's doing what he had to do."

Now, free will & predestination are the last of my concerns right now, but it definitely got me to thinking, and once again it brought me to my researching nerd that is in me. What is it about Judas that stirs up such strong emotions in me... and NOT the emotions that you may be thinking. I felt compassion for him... grace... sadness...

"When Judas, who had betrayed him, saw that Jesus was condemned, he was seized with remorse and returned the thirty silver coins to the chief priests and the elders. 'I have sinned,' he said, 'for I have betrayed innocent blood." (matt. 27:3,4)

Here's the part that really sticks into my mind. What Whoopi had said earlier about how everything else that followed could not have been...

Judas' story had to be a part of this. Peter's betrayal had to be a part of this story. without those things, the prophecy would not have been fulfilled...complete...So who am i to judge?

The thing that's interesting then is the thought about Judas & him being possessed or having a hardened heart, or what have you. Here's the thing. a man is a man. a woman is a woman. a human is a human. i believe that God has grace & love for all... ALL. everyone.

So what do i think that means for Judas? I think that means that the Lord has grace for everyone. Everyone. i think that by saying that there is no grace for him, that is saying that there's no grace for me. because then we would be talking about how one sin is greater than another, and i just dont agree with or believe that.

So, what am i trying to say? Well, im probably offending a lot of you. And if not, im sorry for saying that i did. However, i truly believe that the Lord had & has grace for Judas. i think that the Lord knew his heart the same way that He knows mine. im not a bad person, but yes... i make mistakes. some bigger than others. but mistakes nonetheless. and yes, i know & believe that there is grace there. So if that can be said for me, than the same must be said for him. there must be grace for him...

Yes, it's a part of the story. Yes, it's a tragic part of it. But yet, it's one that needs to be told. and it's one that we would not be able to do without.

So who knows? not me. Who cares? Well, that's tricky... i do. i believe that if there is grace for me, then there is grace for everyone.

im not sure what im trying to say or what im trying to let out into the world. but i do know this. the Lord is still working in my life & i can FEEL it. i can SENSE it. I know that the Lord is maybe doing something great... im not sure. but i do know this: if i believe that there is enough grace for me, then there is was enough grace for Judas.

In the words of Frederick Buechner... "In any case, it's a scene to conjure with. Once again they met in the shadows, the two old friends, both of them a little worse for the wear after all that had happened, only this time it was Jesus who was the one to give the kiss, and this time it wasn't the kiss of death that was given." (Daily Words)

so there you have it. im asking tough questions. and getting answers. who cares whether theyre right or not. i know that the Lord will change my heart if it needs to be~

courageously blogging about Judas instead of making out with boys,
lauren

2011-04-19T14:56:00.001-05:00

my mind is flooded with thoughts today. im not even sure where to begin.

i was going to type up a bunch of different words that would describe how i feel, but the one that i keep coming back to is "hurt." i hate that word. a lot. however, that is not the theme of this post... or at least im hoping not.

this past Sunday was Palm Sunday. the day where little kids parade up & down the aisle with palm branches in hand. the day we celebrate Jesus riding into town on a donkey, while palm branches are placed on the road before Him.

i found it veny interesting this year. ive always enjoyed Holy Week. i only grew up really celebrating Palm Sunday & Easter, but as ive gotten older im more aware of the week & what it truly means.

a friend of mine emailed me a link that he thought i would like. it was regarding Palm Sunday & it gave me, not necessarily a different perspective on it, but it definitely made me think. heck, it even made me dig out my bible & do a little research on my own.

after i had read the article (click here to read it) immediately went to the dictionary & looked up the word "hosanna." here's what dictionary.com says: (an exclamation, originally an appeal to god for deliverance,used in praise of God or Christ.)

Hmm. that was pretty interesting to me. what was even more interesting to me was the fact that their cries & shouts spoke of deliverance. they wanted to be freed from the Romans, and they thought that this was the man that was going to do that.

here's where it gets interesting...

just days... DAYS later the same people are gathered around crying & shouting out. but not what you would expect. what came from their mouths was anything but the sweet sounding word "hosanna."

"Which if the two do you want me to release to you?" asked the governor.
"Barabbas," they answered.
"What shall I do, then, with Jesus who is called Christ?" Pilate asked.
They all answered, "Crucify him!"
"Why? What crime has he committed?" asked Pilate.
But they shouted all the louder, "Crucify him!" -Matthew 27:21-23

what a far cry from the words of praise & deliverance that they had asked for just days earlier.

but its true. and its still applied to everyone & everything today. isnt that what we ask for? deliverance from our problems. from our circumstances. from our hurt? yet what do we do to the thing that can quite possibly save us the most? we yell for it to be crucified. or we ignore it. or we somehow tell ourselves that God is obviously not looking out for what we want.

i know that i am completely guilty of that. i had emailed a friend the other day & had said a couple of things that i am, for some odd reason, going to share with you. The conversation went like this:

" Its been a good day today, but my mind is riding the merry-go-round of life. Ive been praying so much lately... wondering what the Lord is doing or going to do. Im a bit frustrated, because I am a person who needs reasons... answers... and I don't feel as if im completely getting them from the Lord. He probably has a great reason for it, but come ON!"-Me

"just keep being patient, and God will give you your answers. whether they'll

be what your hoping or looking for, that's up to Him. nonetheless, they'll be revealed in time." -My friend

"... the Lord is tricky I feel like sometimes!" -me

Yes. i know that the Lord is good. and i know that He hears us & listens & acts. but it got me thinking.

what about my life or my circumstances am i not seeing? is the Lord trying to do something else here? the people were crying out to Jesus to save them from the Romans. but He didnt. not at that moment. He did something greater than that. He saved them from themselves. He saved them from their circumstances. all of them. He was doing a new thing and it was something that could not been seen.

so im sitting here before i get ready for work wondering. wondering & asking myself what could some of those situations be in my life? what am i missing? what bigger picture is out there that i just dont have the vision to see? im not quite sure, and honestly, as a person who has perfect vision (yeah be jealous) its a bit annoying. im THAT person who needs to either know (or at least guess at) what's coming next in a movie. before i get invested in a character, i sometimes need to know if i should get invested in them or not. because if they die i will feel robbed. so this whole "not being able to see the big picture" thing gets a little irritating to me. like i said earlier "He probably has a great reason for it, but come ON!" that's how ive been feeling on a regular basis. not necessarily lost, but as if im waiting for the next clue. and i am not a patient person when it comes to things like that.

so there you have it. i feel as if this year's Holy week is shaping & molding more than ever before. im not completely caught up in it, and i havent immersed myself in it as much as i have before, but i am aware. and open. and i can tell that the Lord is stirring something in me whether i know what it is or not.

so all i really know & can do is just keep praying that the Lord will show me & guide me. and maybe even cut me a little slack & give me a pair of glasses to put on. if only for a moment~

courageously crying "Hosanna",

lauren

Lent

2011-04-14T12:49:00.000-05:00

As i sit in my usual thursday spot at barnes & noble, my thoughts are stirring of the recent happenings in my life. Now, before i continue let me just say that nothing exciting has happened that i can really explain. it's more matters of the heart. so dont worry, im not engaged or moving to a foreign land.

So one of the things that i did this year was give up caffeine for lent. now you may be asking how that works because you can obviously see my sitting at my table sipping my carmel macchiato. well, like i said, i gave up caffeine... not coffee. that may sound complete absurd and like im just half-assing it but i promise i gave up something that means something to me.

Caffeine has been a constant in my daily life for... oh i would say a couple of years. why? because its a freaking addiction. and i knew that if i went cold turkey, that my head would kill me for it. that and i obviously need caffeine to keep me going day to day.

Well, here's a fun little update that ive decided to write. The first couple of days were AWFUL. my head hurt so bad, and all i wanted to do was sleep... not watch anything, not read, nothing. just sleep. i was not a happy camper to say the least. oh, and then a couple of days later i decided to have a little bit too much of a martini and was sick. i know. not smart thinking on my part at all.

anyway, after the first few days had passed, i felt really good! i wasnt experiencing the caffeine hits, i wasnt shaky or super freaky because i hadnt eaten anything but was hyped up on caffeine. i was calm. oh what a wonderful feeling that was!

yes, i had to adapt a bit. my dear friend made me my own little press pot of decaf coffee for breakfast... it was so wonderful~ (i will admit. im not too much of a decaf fan, BUT it will do)

Throughout this whole process ive been trying to figure out what im to be learning about myself & the Lord. Well, i learned that i dont need caffeine to survive. and thats good! what else have i learned? i learned that its really easy to get addicted to something, & before you know it it has you by your throat. and there's really nothing you can do about it...

but what ive been learning lately has been really interesting to me. The one thing about ordering decaf at a coffee shop is actually making sure that i get decaf. im so close to the end, and im not wanting to mess this up. im wanting to be so careful that im actually doing what i say that im doing. i will not mess this up! i mean, i know that there's grace if i do, and that im really the only one that will care but still. anyway... i realized today that i am completely OCD about asking the barista & double, even triple checking to make sure that they in fact made me decaf espresso. i know. it sounds a bit crazy. but who are these people? do i have any reason to trust that they will make my coffee the right way? no. but i do every other time, so why is it different now? Im not quite sure yet. i have my hunches, but still. its kind of ridiculous when i think about it.

but i think that by putting my life in others' hands is kind of making me a bit jittery. yes, i understand that my actual life is not in their hands, and maybe im being a bit melodramatic about it. shoot me. but, this is something that is important to me, and im just wanting to be careful.

so that's where im at with my lenten fast. i dont THINK ive had any caffeine yet. i have been drinking coffee here & there, but im not dependent on it. today its more of the warm fuzzy feeling of drinking it at a bookstore...

so why am i writing all of this? im not sure. better question, why are you still reading this? im not sure about that either. but maybe its because you love me. or you want to bless me. or you want to get some new dirt on my life. or perhaps you stumbled upon this somehow. or maybe you work for the government and are finally trying to uncover my secret russian espionage days. no matter what your reason is, i say thank you. thank you for reading & caring. or just reading. thank you for walking through this thing called life with me... i wish i knew who you were my dear blog readers, but maybe its better that way...

Courageously cursing in a blog post about lent,

(ps: see. it says decaf. i guess i didnt need to ask her for the 3rd time after all.)

lauren

love

2011-04-04T22:27:00.001-05:00

Today while i was at work, i decided to read for a little bit. i was still frustrated about my reading from last night, so i just decided to flip through & see where the Lord would take me.

These are the verses that struck me as truth today:

"...For why should be freedom be judged by another's conscience?" -1 Corinthians 10:29

I feel as if this verse speaks for itself. I really needed to read this today. I know that if i am in the wrong somewhere in my thinking that the Lord will show me. Until then, i will continue to try & show love~

"... and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing." -1 Corinthians 13:2

Once again... love~

"And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love." -1 Corinthians 13:2

"Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be men of courage; be strong. Do everything in love." -1 Corinthians 16:13,14

So there you have it. thats what i want. to love the Lord, and to love others. Yes, i know that i will fail, but im not perfect, and i dont claim to be. But i want to try...

courageously loving (or at least trying to~),

Lauren

writing

2011-04-04T11:53:00.000-05:00

that's all i want to do. write. but i have nothing to say. not to myself. to other people, yes. so maybe thats what i should do. write letters to others, but not send them.

but that's where my mind knows that its being tricked. i then feel compelled to send it. but i dont want to. i dont want to write for anyone but myself...

so in a way i feel like im stuck.

i want to write great things. i want to write simple things. i want to write to feed my soul.

but somehow my brain just gets in the way... i end up writing for others. or tell myself that its not good enough.

what is this thing in me? i want to be great at something... but im not sure what that great thing is.

i want a big life for myself, but what am i doing to accomplish that? anything? is there anything that i really can do?

im not sure. im asking myself all of these questions, and then some. and keep coming up with nothing.

but maybe its not about the answer, but rather in the asking of the questions. maybe that's enough. maybe just for now.

i was reading last night. i know that my heart was ready to receive. but maybe my mind wasnt. or isnt. im not sure. but it was hard. it was hard reading & having more questions flood my mind.

what do i do with that? im not sure yet. i do know that i dont want to give up. not here. not on this hill. there are other hills that i know are not meant to be climbed by me. others, yes. me? maybe sometime. but this hill right here... this reading & writing disconnect... it is meant to be climbed. by me.

so that's all ive got. im heading out for work soon. ill have my books with me. maybe ill pick them up. maybe i wont. im not quite sure yet. but i do know that ill try. ive got to try something.

there you have it. that's what my life's looking like right now. a lot of unknowns. a lot of questions. few answers. but, like i said before, the answers are somehow in the questions...

either way. i dont want to stop writing. or reading. or learning. or growing. im just not sure how to go about anything. or if im even accomplishing anything.

courageously & honestly writing (or at least attempting to),
lauren

2011-03-28T19:30:00.003-05:00

it's all in the melting of the snow.

it reveals what we all thought was

lost.

life is

again renewed.

the sun shines in a way that we had

forgotten.

somehow our

hopes & dreams are ours

again.

the rain is washing the sidewalks the way our tears

cleanse our hearts.

hope is restored.

flowers are in bloom.

our hearts are being

opened.

the wind is blowing the curtains.

can you hear them... the robins?

they are singing the same song that is in my

heart.

it sings the song of winter & of hardships endured.

but it longs for something new.

and the promise is there.

all you need to do is open your eyes

because

its buried beneath the melting snow.

just take it. and let go.

courageously putting myself out there,

lauren

2011-03-27T21:02:00.000-05:00

i dont really have anything to write... i dont really have anything to say...

life is life right now. nothing great. nothing terribly awful. its a lot of in the middle.

if something comes up, i think that i can bounce back pretty quick. (keyword: think)

there have been a couple of things in my life lately that i just feel guilt over...

and i just need to remind myself that guilt isnt from the Lord...

that if im to be convicted of something that the Lord will show me...

and lead me...

and guide me...

to the place that i should be...

where He wants me to be...

and i can rest in that...

or at least attempt to rest in that...

but then there are moments where i just spin...

i need to stop.

no spinning.

so there's that. i have a couple of areas of conflict in my life,

but they arent crippling me.

im alive...

and resting in the new mercies that the Lord promises us~

courageously spinning & resting at the same time,
lauren

my music

2011-03-17T19:22:00.000-05:00

Ok. i decided i wanted to take this post in a little more of a lighthearted direction. sometimes i just dont want to always post serious posts. or thought-provoking posts. SO. here it is...!

Ok. thank you itunes for being awesome. and letting me see what ive purchased from you in the past year.

In order:
Andrew Bird- Noble Beast
John Mayer- Battle Studies*
The Brothers Bloom soundtrack
k.d. lang- Hallelujah EP
Loud Reed- Prefect Day single
Jon Foreman- Winter*, Spring*, Summer*, Fall*
Hans Zimmer- Sherlock Holmes soundtrack
(500) Days of Summer soundtrack
Glee Cast (Im just putting this down as 1 thing. i have so many glee songs...)
Rich Mullins- If i Stand (single)*
Crazy Heart soundtrack
Mumford & Sons- Sigh No More*
Arcade Fire- The Suburbs*
Keane- Night Train
Beauty & the Beast soundtrack
Byron "Mr.Talkbox" Chambers* (such a kind man)
Andrew Peterson & Randall Goodgame- Slugs & Bugs & Lullabies
Taylor Swift- Speak Now
Kanye West- Runaway single
Michael W. Smith- Wonder
Matisyahu- One Day*
The Raconteurs- Consolers of the Lonely & Broken Boy Soldiers
Joshua James- Fields & Floods*
Brandon Flowers- Flamingo*
The Civil Wars- Barton Hollow*
Train- Marry Me*
Maroon 5- Hands All Over
The Black Keys- Brothers
OneRepublic- Waking Up
Carter Burwell- True Grit soundtrack*
Katy Perry- Teenage Dream
Amos Lee- Mission Bell*
Gregory Alan Isakov- This Empty Northern Hemisphere*
James Vincent McMorrow- Early in the Morning
Derek Webb- She Must and Shall Go Free
Lauren McCuistuin- Sightlessly (i met her once and she was very kind. how could i not?)
Joe Cocker- the Millennium Collection
Blue Valentine Soundtrack*

*= great. you should get it. soon.

There you are! Its pretty random, yet wonderfully great. There are a few songs here & there that i just got randomly that arent included on the list... no biggie...! :)

courageously enjoying music,
lauren