Lent 2013

Well, the lenten season has officially started. This year i decided to give up Facebook for lent.. apparently that's the thing to give up these days (or so i've been told)!

so far it's. . . strangely enough it's actually really difficult for my extroverted-self. im slowly realizing things about myself that ive started thinking about, but havent really thought to process it much.

Within the last couple of days, i've realized that i tend to guard myself. Hmm, let me rephrase that. I tend to guard certain areas of myself are certain areas of people.

i know my audience. i know who to share what with & thankfully ive learned what not to share. but what happens when the people that you share certain things with are unavailable? then what?

then you have to become vulnerable with other people. . . and that is a scary thing to do . it's something that immediately makes me lack courage & be afraid of rejection. not necessarily rejection of myself, but of things that i love or hold dear to myself. . .

my husand & i talk about this often & how we want to be able to share music & movies that speak into the deepest places of ourselves with each other. i know that deep within ourselves we want to love every part of each other (good or bad), but that we dont necessarily have the best timing or the kindest choices or words...

i share a bit of music here... he shares a bit of music there... and usually it ends with both of our feelings being hurt.

*disclaimer: i love my husband more than i ever could have ever imagined i could love someone. i find that every day we learn something new & (sometimes) wonderful about each other & i am very thankful for that. we're learning... it takes time... *

...now to make my point..

i am finding it difficult to not be able to share all of the things that i love, & random stupid things that i say, with others. it's nice to just be able to share & have one or two people "like" a status. or comment on how they either agree or disagree... 

it's the feeling of being able to communicate with others when i am alone. the extrovert in me craves that.

so, for now it's me against the facebook machine. im still hanging in there. i find myself craving those interactions... im trying to figure out how to take some of those "relationships" & make them real... & true... and not just half-hearted "helllos".

so, what does that look like during this season?

*being deliberate about spending time with my husband*

*attempt to build true & honest relationships with friends*

*attempt to not always feel the need for validation (yeah. im not brave enough to write about that one yet)*

thanks for listening~

Well, 2013 is still trucking along at a somewhat quick pace. im amazed that February is slowing creeping up. . . but we wont get to that month yet.

i've been attempting to keep up with some of the goals i've set for myself for january. so far, ive had soda on 4 different days this month. not what i wanted. . . im giving up caffeine in february so that will help cut my soda intake a bit more. the only reason im drinking it is because i need the caffeine. dang it.

my lunch has been super healthy these past couple of weeks. and i feel good about it! i do want to be smarter about what i eat at night/on the weekend.

i have had a couple of situations that ive gone into that i feel pretty good about. my theory is this: ive apologized and been nothing more than kind to a group of people, and i am still labeled as a bitch. and you know what... yes, my feelings are hurt about. yes, it's really hard being left out (purposefully) and not being accepted for myself. and yes, it's hard to just bullshit happiness when i know the things that are being said behind my back.

so... i decided why not just let them believe those things about me. those closest to me know who i am and that's what matters. they know that i have a kind hard, and a spunky attitude. but i wouldnt purposefully hurt anyone.

and im trying to be ok with all of that. it's not easy at all, but i can move on. and this is my year to do it.

my husband & i decided that we are each going to take a weekend (separately) and go away and do something that each of us loves to do. he plans to go fishing. i'll probably stay in the city somewhere.

and im really excited for both of us to analyze and think about areas in our lives that we want to work on. and things that we want to better in our lives. and so many other things.

i feel so good about all of this.it makes me feel happy about this year and i love knowing that we both want to have a healthier year. . . whatever that may look like.

i have a tattoo on my wrist, Joshua 1:9, and i have been repeating it to myself over and over these past couple of weeks. I (we) have been commanded to be STRONG and COURAGEOUS! commanded! i am taking that part to heart this year.

so here i go. . . live this life with the strength of the Lord.

i feel like i say this in every post that i write, but im sorry for the time between posts. 

2012 is gone & 2013 is here. . . so strange to say and think of all that has happened within the last year. 

as i've been thinking about the last year, ive been reminded of what a topsy/turvy year it has been. 

2012 was a rough year. i mean, it was good but it definitely had it's rough patches. 

Some of the highlights?

 I got engaged! April Fool's Day will always hold a special place in my heart :)

 and then i planned a wedding in less than 3 months. . .

 

 and then i went back to blonde. . . i think i like it?! :)

and most recently, i started a new job and am really enjoying it! :D

 and now i'm in 2013 thinking about what this coming year is going to look like. clearly, i have no idea but i do know that there are things that i want to work on.

1. i want to rid myself of negativity and negative people. in the last week i've deleted 100 people from facebook. it felt really good.

2. i want to say sorry less, and really mean it when i do have to say it. if an apology is given more than once, there comes a time where you move on. this year, i'm moving on.

3. i want to truly love/be kind to others as i am with myself. that means i'm probably going to have to learn to love myself a little bit more.

4. i want to be healthier-- mind. body. soul. spirit. everything. eating right. working out. surrounding myself with beauty. you name. 

5. i want to be more organized & free of clutter! i told my husband that we will be doing a spring cleaning and he had better get excited about it!

those are just a few of the things i want to work on this year. im not a fan of the word "resolution" but i do want to better myself this year. not just for myself, but for those around me, too. 

so, who knows what this blog will look like. it'll probably look like what it has for the last year or so. but maybe with a more hopeful lookout on things. or a kinder one. or. . . who knows?

happy new year to you all. 

and remember to be kind. to yourself and others.

i'll definitely be practicing that this year. . . 

:)

well, im sitting at home while jason is at class. lots of thoughts have been running through my mind lately, & my mind has been dreaming super crazy dreams these last few nights... im pretty sure that i've been in multiple countries & have gone back to high school at least 3 times.

all of that being said... i've been debating about posting this since sunday but i feel that maybe im ready for it.

i find that i can sometimes get ahead of myself & maybe a process that im in, but i also find that if i write about things, i can process them a little easier. so, here goes.

i have been feeling extra insecure lately. i always have a bit of it within myself, but i just feel that im in a strange spot within myself right now. things that ive enjoyed, are as enjoyable to me. there are certain clothes that are deciding to not allow me into them as well as they used to. etc.

anyway, a friend was picking me up for church on sunday & if they hadnt driven such a long way, i probably would've texted her & said that i wasnt going to make it that morning. i was feeling awful about myself, couldnt find anything to wear, & was completely exhausted on top of all of that. but i went.

(later on, she told me that she had checked her phone all morning for a text saying i couldnt make it.)

anyway, i get to church in my jeans, non-heel boots, a long sleeve & my vest. not my usual church attire.

so church is it's usual wonderful self. it's the one place where i truly have gained life & truth from... i cannot get enough of it & love that i can say that i have a pastor is a true vessel of the Lord. . .

he was in fiery moment (which i love when he's like that) and he invites people up who need a blessing or prayer or just something extra to full them up.

i was fine. i didnt need any extra for the Lord. my hurts & trials are easy compared to others. why would i take part of that away from others & allow the Lord to fill myself?

Mick (pastor) then said that even if youre leaning towards the center of the aisle to walk up there... and what do you know... my right shoulder is a little closer to the center. so, i decide to just follow the Lord's moving within me & go to just ask for a little extra of the Lord to fill me. not a lot, because i dont need that much, but just a little.

clearly the Lord had something different in mind.

i felt someone touch my shoulder & start praying for me. the best part was that she was praying in tongues. ive never had that happen before & i felt overcome & overwhelmed by something greater than myself.

i then felt the familiar grip (full of kindness & love) of a dear friend who came to pray for me. i knew it was her & was so thankful that she would do that for me. to walk beside me in a moment of not knowing why i was even there.

and then... something almost miraculous happened. i felt a small, kind & gentle touch on my back. and the only way i can think to describe it is that of an angel. i know that for some of you it may sound absurd, and ive put off this post because of that, but my goodness. there's no other way to describe it other than that. i felt this angelic spirit surround me & it gave me such warmth & peace. after church, my friend told me who it was praying over me. i dont know who he is, but ive seen him at church & have felt a kindness radiate from him. it was an honor to have him pray for me.

after a bit i felt my friend's grip on my arm leave & felt another warm & kind presence. it was our pastor. i didnt even know that he knew me & i heard him speak (vaguely) and he said that he hoped he didnt embarrass me, but that he snaked his way over to me. and he just wanted to tell me that he knew i'd be there. he knew that i would be at that place, and at that moment. i dont remember if there was anything else, but that was enough for me.

and i was undone. i felt like the Lord has something great to speak to me or pour into me. i was grateful to have a moment to be vulnerable with the Lord & to just pray. ive had all of these crazy feelings lately & have been trying to sort out things in my life.. so to have a moment where i knew that i was covered in prayer was almost an answer to my prayers.

i proceeded to go sit down & just sort of floated through the rest of the service. i love that i go to a church full of love & kindness & a place that preaches the true meaning of grace.

i was chatting with my friend about it during lunch & she gave me a little more insight into the happenings during the prayer invite. i dont remember much of it, but i know that the Lord met me where i needed it.

and i would usually be looking into everything & attempting to figure it all out, and i am, but im also trying to allow the Lord to work within me.

i feel as if a seed has been planted within me... that im being trained for something greater than myself. there are really no words to describe it other than just full of love & grace.

im finding that certain thoughts that i have are becoming jumbled & are then changing into kind thoughts that are full of grace.

and i know that, for some of you, this is probably a very strange post & youre wondering how this all works. to be completely honest with you, i dont even know how it works!

however, i do know this: i trust the Lord. i trust (and know) that He will make all things work out for good in some way.

so for now, i will wait. i will wait on the Lord & what he has in store for me .it's not easy to not know everything, but this experience was different. and i feel like it's so worth all of my waiting & wanting to know.

this song has been playing through my mind lately, so i'll share it with you. i cry every time i hear it because it touches something within me that i just cannot explain.

so, here's the waiting on the Lord & to knowing that His timing is so much greater than mine. . .

love to you all~
L

i will wait ~mumford & sons

Well I came home

Like a stone

And I fell heavy into your arms

These days of dust

Which we've known

Will blow away with this new sun

But I'll kneel down wait for now

And I'll kneel down

Know my ground

And I will wait I will wait for you

And I will wait I will wait for you

So break my step

And relent

Well you forgave and I won't forget

Know what we've seen

And him with less

Now in some way shake the excess

'Cause I will wait I will wait for you

And I will wait I will wait for you

And I will wait I will wait for you

And I will wait I will wait for you

Now I'll be bold

As well as strong

And use my head alongside my heart

So tame my flesh

And fix my eyes

A tethered mind freed from the lies

And I'll kneel down

Wait for now

I'll kneel down

Know my ground

Raise my hands

Paint my spirit gold

And bow my head

Keep my heart slow

'Cause I will wait I will wait for you

And I will wait I will wait for you

And I will wait I will wait for you

And I will wait I will wait for you

(emphasis added by me)

  

i had a blog typed out but am deciding to just do an update.

i left the job i started after 1/2 hour of being there. it was not as the email described & i know that my skills are a little... well not what they were looking for. so, i will not be a computer board manufacturer for now ;)

i have nothing nice to say about really anyone tonight, so im going to stop.

not only for my sake, but my husband's sake as well.

damn it. sometimes i would really like to just be a bitch.

but not tonight.

i need to stop now before i throw some whiskey into the mix ;)

enjoy.

alright, my battery is dying & i should attempt to get to bed early, so i'll try to make it quick.

i start a new job tomorrow. my first since my wonderful job that i had to leave when i got married. . .

im nervous. im not sure if ive touched base on it here or not, but i have been struggling with anxiety a lot lately. and hardcore.

my latest episodes usually end with my worshipping the porcelain throne & i am terrified that will happen tomorrow.

actually, i think im afraid that i'll cry. i dont want to cry.

im super excited to start something new, but my personality doesnt allow for me to not be good at things right away. i find that if i dont catch onto something, then i give up because i feel dumb & hate feeling dumb.

i really hate that.

so, im trying to tell myself the truth. im trying to give myself grace & kindness & to let the Lord fill me where i need to be filled.

i watched the Help the other day & i just love this. . .

"you is smart. you is kind. you is important."

yes. that's true. i do feel like i am all of those things.

and then anxiety & fear & insecurities creep in. and they tell me

"you are mean. and dumb. and clearly not as important as those around you."

i know that's not truth, or from the Lord, but it's hard to dig yourself out from those thoughts.

and that's what ive been trying to do lately. just dig myself out. to be kind when others are not. to listen to the truth when it is spoken into my life.

i find that when my heart is in the right place, & when im kind with others, i can be a little kinder towards myself.

so, there it is. my alarm will go off at 615am & i will leave here at 650. i'll sip my coffee & take a few moments to be kind to myself & to allow the Lord to fill me with what i need for the day.

id appreciate your prayers & kind thoughts. i know they work. ive felt them.

cheers to you all~
L

ps: thanks to my husband & bff for walking closely through this with me. thanks for telling me truth & kindness when i need it most~

i have nothing really witty or funny or smart to say today.

my mind is filled with thoughts about everything & im trying to sort them all out.

im watching Ellen & she's talking about bullying, so of course my mind goes there. 

i was thinking about my husband & some things we've been talking about & my mind goes to bullying.

i hate talking about this topic because it's a topic that shouldnt be around. 

we shouldnt have to worry about people being mean or unkind. 

and then my mind goes to my own thoughts & how unkind they are sometimes. 

im not perfect & have found myself, more often than not, filling my mind with anger & hurt & sadness & everything else that goes along with that. 

so here's my confession: i fail more often than i succeed. i've reached out & tried to do the right thing & be kind, but damn it i dont want to be.

i want to be angry at the ones who hurt me & sometimes i hope that someday it will all come back & bite them in the ass. 

it's wrong & mean but sometimes that is just how i feel. 

and then there are other days where i pray that the Lord will show kindness when i cannot. 

i hate having anger in my heart.

from what ive learned over the years, it's not that im necessarily angry... it's that im hurt. 

my feelings are hurt. and at times i believe purposefully hurt which is even worse! ugh.

i know that i write about this often, but that's what ive got right now. this is where i let out my thoughts & how i feel & hope that something good can maybe come out of it. 

that's what im hoping for. i believe that the Lord works all things out for good & i am definitely praying that. 

right now it's kind of hard to see it, but maybe it's there? 

i dont know. these thoughts are full of rambling and im feeling insecure. 

So, i'll finish this out. 

have a wonderful fall evening.

be kind. and if youre like me & cant always succeed at that, please dont worry. there's grace. 

this is going to be a quickly typed post, so please excuse the millions of errors that will occur.

im watching 7th Heaven (i love reruns of this show) & it's an episode that touches on the topic of how men treat women. pinching butts, calling names, and lack of respect in general.

i completely broke down. 

all of these thoughts & accusations & offenses came rushing back into my mind in a split second. names that i have been called, whether to my face or behind my back. texts written about me (and to me) by men AND women. 

the thing is, i know that these names are NOT OK to be used, but we are so desensitized to what is going on around us. 

women call other women names. men call women names. women call men names. 

what is with that? 

when did we think it was OK to do these things to other people.

i remember being called names starting in kindergarten.

and it has continued ever since.

i've heard conversations where the person has purposefully spoken so i could hear the hateful words said about me.

i was the only member not allowed into the "lauren hating club" in 1st grade. probably because they didnt want me in it. . . 

ive been referred to as the crazy wife of a very famous band from the 60s. 

i have been called a bitch more times than i can count.

but i'm not innocent either. 

ive said my fair share of words that i know have hurt people's feelings.

i have referred to a girl as a name i wish i wouldnt have.

im not always the nicest when it comes to things i say to my husband.

im not saying im perfect.

but i hope to be. and strive to be.

be kind. please.

it's not easy. 

and when confronted with hatred, it's easier to be hateful back.

i find that when i have a hard time with someone, i dont pray for them.

i pray for myself. 

that my heart will be changed. 

that i will be able to love as the Lord continues to love me.

and it's one of the hardest things that i do.

but it's good, too.

i feel my heart actually changing.

i feel my soul & mind being filled with love & kindness.

yes, there are wounds that are deeper & a lot harder to heal.

and like i said earlier, im not perfect & dont claim to be.

but i try. really i do. 

and i think it's a start. and that it counts for something.

so here's to kindness.

kind actions.

kind words.

kind thoughts.

not only for others, but for yourself as well.

loving your neighbors as yourself means that you need to love yourself, too.

thanks for reading.

love really does win.

i feel refreshed today. 

the seasons are changing.

not only weather wise.

but in my life as well.

and im enjoying it.

im attempting to find my groove.

trying to love well.

striving to face the day with kindness.

that's today. 

here's to hoping tomorrow's the same~

i have a blog reader from minneapolis.

i have no idea who you are, but i do notice that you check my blog multiple times a day!

you should reveal your identity somehow.

otherwise im going to keep thinking that youre a crazy stalker! 

that's all for now! 

:)

fear has been show its face a lot lately.

i usually go through spurts where im not able to sleep at night. those spurts usually last a couple of weeks or so, & are then followed by nights/days of extreme exhaustion as my body is attempting to catch up with what it has lost. 

i find that happening lately, but it seems a lot different than it has before. 

what usually keeps me awake is just being wide awake. my mind races with thoughts that are completely unstoppable, but that could wait until the next day. or i lie awake & think about the next day's events & how to make a good plan for them. 

that's not the case this time. what keeps me awake at night has been fear & anxiety as to what could possibly happen while im trying to fall asleep or while im actually sleeping. 

im not one for watching scary movies or tv shows. at night my dreams are very vivid & some can be terrifying, so why would i add fuel to the fire?

however, if i have seen a scary movie or show, it's right before i start falling asleep where all of those thoughts creep into my mind & attempt to overpower me. 

i try everything that i know to do. i pray in Jesus' name. i try to get my mind to switch gears & think about happier things. 

but that hasnt been working lately. 

so, i'll take a sleep aid & walk groggily through the next day. 

but i dont want to do that either. 

the other day i remembered a verse i had learned when i was just a little kiddo at bible camp. it was the theme verse & the first verse i really remember memorizing & having it actually stick with me. 

"God hasn't given us a spirit of fear. But of power, and of love & of a sound mind." -2 Timothy 1:7

I can still see the puppets they used to help us memorize it. heck, i can still hear them saying it like it was yesterday!

the point is, that is a verse that i have had on my heart a lot lately & im glad that i remember it. i need to say it to myself daily as a reminder to not have fear. . . to not be afraid. 

so here's to a spirit of power. a spirit of love. and a sound mind.  

lately ive been finding myself extremely thankful. 

for this man.

(Photo Cred: Heath Studios)

he works full-time at a job that he enjoys. 

and on certain days of the week, he goes to class where he's pursuing his masters in psychology. 

he's the lead singer of a band, Modern Day Ruin. and he rocks. (seriously, he does.)

he loves ketel one vodka. more specifically a ketel one martini. shaken. and dirty.

we met on eharmony & always kiss when we see a commercial for it.

our first day consisted of sushi, ice cream & drinks. 

we kissed on our first date. 

we started dating 1 year ago tomorrow (sept. 5th). he asked me after we had made out in his truck on a gravel road. 

it's moments like those that you love a good small town.

we have been married 2.5 months.

(Photo Cred: Heath Studios)

we had been married for 2 months when we celebrated 1 year of knowing each other. 

he's an outdoorsman who loves hunting & fishing. 

we went canoeing on our honeymoon. there was nothing better than seeing him in his element. 

he puts up with my every day. even after he's had a long day at work.

im not sure how he does it. any of it. 

but he does. and he loves me. 

and im forever grateful for that.

(Photo Cred. Heath Studios)

this picture is one of the many reasons i love him.

he's just as big of a goober as i am.

im thankful he loves me. im thankful that i met him. 

it's not always easy. and it has definitely been difficult. 

but i wouldnt want to do this with anyone else.

love you Jas. 

here's to another year of being together. 

plus many more.

“When people hurt you over and over, think of them like sand paper. They may scratch and hurt you a bit, but in the end, you end up polished and they end up useless.” ― Chris Colfer 

this is how i've felt about life lately.

polished. ready to start fresh.

cheers~

L

"What's in a name? That which we call a rose

By any other name would smell as sweet." ~William Shakespeare

for the past few weeks or so, i've had a hard time sleeping. i have never been one to sleep with a light on, but i purchased a night light. then i realized that i have a husband who doesnt enjoy it. 

i then found that my sleeping by the window was keeping me up as well. i found myself thinking that someone was looking in the window. creepy. we switched sides of the bed & the sleep is a little better.

however, before that my husband & i had a run-in in the middle of the night when he did not notice that i was in the bathroom & heard a noise. on my way back into the bedroom, i flashed my phone to the door & there was my husband standing. it scared the shit out of me. i havent necessarily recovered since then.

i realized that i needed to do something about this. i have a tendency to have strange dreams & i could tell that my lack of sleep was affecting my day to day life.

so. i decided to pray. i know that there is power in Jesus' name & i called on that. i would ask the Lord to bless our room & minds & dreams throughout the night. i did everything in Jesus' name knowing the power that is in it. 

i've been reading a book from a series that i absolutely love (the Throne of Fire by Rick Riordan) & in the book, they learn that they can control a god (it's all about egyptian gods & pharaohs. it's great.) if they have their name. not just any name, but their true name.

the girl, Sadie, discovers that Set's true name is Evil Day & uses that power to help her cause. Sadie has to figure out her brother's true name in order to heal him. 

one of my favorite parts of this book is as follows:

"I'd never thought about it before, but the ren was the same as one's secret name. It was more than just special word. The secret name is your darkest thoughts, your most embarrassing moments, your biggest dreams, your worst fears, all wrapped together. It's the sum of your experiences, even those you'd never want to share. Your secret name makes you who you are." -the Throne of Fire by Rick Riordan

there are days where i think my secret name would be kindness. or friend. lover. whole-heartedly wonderful being. 

and then there are other days where my name would be bitch. jealous. rage. sadness.

thinking about those last parts are hard to swallow, but that's probably because im naming the least awful names about myself.

and then i remember. . . those words dont define me. yes, i have moments of anger & rudeness. but then i have moments of kindness & grace. 

the thing is, those few words alone do not define who i truly am. those who know me would probably label me all of those words, plus more, a lot. 

for now i think i'll stick with my given name: Lauren Grace. im pretty sure that God had a sense of humor giving me that middle name. . . im always needing extra grace for myself so why not throw it in where i'll always have it.

i'll finish this post with the rest of the paragraph containing that quote. there's something about it that's wonderful to me. it speaks into my heart & goes somewhere beautiful. im not sure where, but i know it's a good & kind place~

"That's why a secret name has power. It's also why you couldn't simply hear someone repeat a secret name & know how to use it. you had to know that person and understand their life. The more you understood the person, the more power their name could yield. You could only learn a secret name from the person himself-- or from the person closest to his heart." --Sadie Kane (the Throne of Fire)

hope. that has been on my mind lately.

within the last week, ive watched 2 movies with that same theme. im starting to wonder if i need to apply it to my own life. . .

ive been watching the Lord of the Rings trilogy today, & a theme that has popped up multiple times has been hope.

Without it, the men will fall... evil will reign... their homes & lives will be ruined.

this past weekend i watched the Hunger Games. President Snow's reason for not just "shooting the 24 tributes in a firing squad fashion was because without a victor (winner) there would be no hope."

hope is what keeps us alive. it keeps us moving.

hope that tomorrow will be better. that our lives may change. that something different & good will happen.

hope that our good works are not in vain. hope that our kindness does not go unnoticed.

hope that tomorrow is a new day.

i think of this often. there are many days where i wonder if im in the right place, doing the right thing. wondering if this is there the Lord has called me to be.

if i think that i have no purpose to be who or where i am, i have nothing.

but if my hope is in the Lord, i can have faith that i will be brought through my trials.

hope that the enemies within me will falter. hope that kindness will show.

hope that tomorrow will bring new mercies. and that there will be kindness.

that is what i am thankful for tonight.

that the Lord is for me. that there is kindness. and that there is hope.

without it, i am nothing~

L.E.

do you ever feel as if you've been duped by the world?

or perhaps, by yourself?

your thoughts & ideas & ambitions & longings & great ideas & everything else you once thought were wonderful, are simply just another thing to check off your list?

maybe it's not that ive dubed myself, but rather ive just gotten tired of such things.

the thought of nannying makes me cringe now, but i have fond memories of it earlier.

the thought of staying at home & cleaning & not having a job. (im an extrovert. i need people.)

now dont get me wrong, i enjoy these things, but my younger self is to blame.

i wonder if we all feel that way sometimes.

usually i feel that i've let my younger self down & now i feel as if the roles are reversing.

i dreamt of great things that i thought were attainable.

however, i am currently not winning an academy award or a grammy.

------------------

but maybe it's what i needed at the time? something to look forward to. something to dream about while i spent my nights babysitting or reading a book or whatever else i did when i was younger.

maybe those thoughts & dreams were my escape.

either way it's still annoying. and no matter which way you turn it, i feel misled by my dreaming 13 year old self.


who thought she'd be married to an NBA star (boy am i glad that didnt work out).


there really is no point to this post other than to mark the moment. to almost feel relief that im where i should be (i hope) no matter how swindled i feel.


i'll still keep dreaming unrealistic dreams.

and in another 10 years, i'll say the same things again~
L

Hmm. writing again. a friend of mine sent me a message & said to write again soon. . . pleeeeeeaaasssssse. just like that.

so i figured id give it another go. we'll see what happens.

you know what, im sitting here trying to think of all the things i could write about, & fear is cropping up all over the place. i know i wrote about this before, but maybe i'll write about it again.

im afraid to share my life. im afraid that something will happen & i'll get into trouble. i dont want that to happen. i would hate for that to happen.

but then again, i also flip the other way: i hate meanness. i cannot stand when people say one thing, & then do another.

something that ive learned these past few months is who relationships can switch & then watching to see what happens within those relationships.

have you seen the movie "Miracle"? you know, the one with the USA hockey team? where the coach, Herb Brooks, makes it so that he is everyone's enemy? but then they gather together because of that?

that's how i feel. i have somehow turned into an enemy of a few people, & miraculously people who hated other people are now best friends. why? because they can gather against me.

the thing is, it's ok. . . sometimes.

i think that being up in the city without my core group of friends has been a little tricky. thankfully im married to a man that loves me for me.

but it's still a little difficult.

so. what do  you do about that?

i feel like completely pressing into the Lord. i find myself praying for others who i dont want to pray for. i find myself craving music that will feed my soul. i find myself in moments of vulnerability with the Lord, & it's good.

so im just trying to remind myself of these truths & to be kind & give grace to myself.

that's maybe the most difficult part. ive been reminding myself of loving thy neighbors as thyself.

i just need to remember to love myself.

anyway. i do want to leave you with a song that has been on my heart on & off for the past few weeks & now daily. i just need to make dinner & listen to it over & over. i always need that reminder~

you are loved.
lauren


Jerusalem by Randall Goodgame


"Father God, Holy One, I believe, thy will be done/
Great or small, my portion be/
still I know you fill the sea, you fill the sea/

Chorus:
[I am Jerusalem, I am the temple of the Lord/
I am Jerusalem, I am the temple of the Lord/
Holy of Holies, the Lord dwells within/
Lord God almighty, maker of men/
I am Jersusalem, I am the temple of the Lord/]

And of Aaron's tribe, only a chosen few/
Dare to lift the veil, come and dwell with you/
Then you came to die, oh but not to fail/
Behold the Lamb, the Lamb that tore the veil/

(chorus)

Father God, Holy One, I believe, thy will be done/
From the tempter's charm, spirit hold me sway/
and with the leper's joy, Lord I'll obey, yes I'll obey/
(chorus)

ive been wanting to blog for the past few... months, but havent. 

believe it or not, ive actually been afraid.

who's reading my blog? who is taking some of this knowledge & judging me for it? who's angry? who's feelings are hurt this time? when is this moment of vulnerability going to come back & kick me in the butt?

that's what im up against. i know that some of it is probably true & some probably isnt, but that's what ive got.

so, this is me putting my toes back into the water.

i got engaged (i'll type up that story). im married. i live in the big city, too.

i miss my best friend.

but im happy to be married. really super duperly happy that im married to someone who loves me for me.

im attempting to find myself in a new stage of life. new surroundings. new challenges. new everything.

anyway. that's about all ive got for now. it's enough to make me want to drink the rest of my mini-margarita plus 10 more.

so do not fear, readers. i'll be back. hopefully more often than before. it'll just take some time.

adieu.
Lauren

. . .

Im marrying this man in 11.5 days!!!!!

that's all :)

alright. lots of thoughts are brewing in my mind.

wedding plans. where we're going to live. my ical. work. life. all of the events that i have going on.

i am starting to panic. ok, that's a lie. i have been panicking. for awhile.

my moh finally gave me permission (because yes, i needed it) to just cry & breakdown when i needed to. to freak out when i felt like it, & to simply feel my emotions. sometimes, that is a very difficult thing for me to do especially when i think that i shouldnt be feeling the ridiculous emotions that i do.

anyway. i did a lot of thinking today while at work. a lot of thinking. processing through things that i had said the pervious night that had hurt someone's feelings. . . and just feeling sick about it & trying to figure out how those things work. how grace & kindness & forgiveness actually work.

i was listening to a playlist i had made and a random song came on, but it went within me & did something to me. it found a vulnerable place within me & i knew that i couldnt deny the work that was going on.

so. im attempting to walk through that & figure out what that means for me right now.

i dont like being uncomfortable. i also dont like constantly being the one who is seeking out people, attempting to build bridges, & having to be the one who starts that. there's something about that that prevents me from moving forward. period.

anyway. at the end of the day, i know there is grace. i know that the Lord is good. and kind.

so i wait upon the Lord. i wait for the green light or the red light or whatever else it may be.

the Lord knows me & knows me heart, and i think that counts for something.

until then, i will continue to eat dinner & watching a top chef or two.

until we meet again, my dear readers~