Why I do what i do...

If youre reading this blog, Im just going to assume that you know what i do. What ive done for as long as i can remember. 

I work with kids. Its what ive always done, & always known. I remember changing my first diaper (Thanks Keena!) when i was about 6 years old. We lived in Waldorf and i remember not really being tall enough for the changing table so i stood on my tiptoes. It would only seem natural that 17 years later i would still be working with kids. 

Lately ive been really struggling with it. I am nannying right now (part time) but its slowly starting to take its toll on me. I feel my patience thinning, and the number of children that i want is down to none right now. People are always telling me that my own kids will be different, and im really hoping so. Not that the kids that ive watched in the years havent been great, but sometimes it can be difficult. 

I have nannyed in Ireland, & Alaska, and know that if hadnt had this gift, those opportunities would have never happened. Im grateful for that. 

There are definite times where after i have worked in the morning, that im not necessarily looking forward to watching any more children for the rest of the afternoon. Let me share a story with you...

Yesterday i was tired, and worn out but not necessarily wanting to do anything. My sister in law called wondering if i would be able to watch my little nephew while her and my brother ran to get some things done. I wasnt set on the idea of it as i was tired and had been fighting a headache all day. Reluctantly i agreed. (Now, i need to say this: i love my sister in law. i love my brother. i love my nephew. there was no guilt involved. i did it because i love them.)

We just hung out. He napped. He pooped (all over me might i add). He ate. He didnt really even cry. It was a wonderful day.

When his parents got back he was bathed and in bed sleeping away. 

This is where i get to the point:

You could see a look of relief on my sister in law's face. You could see how thankful she was that i was willing to watch her son. She knew that he was taken care of. She knew that he was safe. We both had a wonderful time.

That is why i do what i do. That is why i watch kids. Some are annoying and obnoxious, some are sweet and kind. Some i will never watch again (there's only 1). I take what God has given me, and put it to good use. I have never even thought about charging a certain price when i watched kids, because i wanted to bless people. I didnt want people to feel like they shouldnt call because they might not have been able to afford it.

When i was in ireland i watched a couple of kiddos, and it was great. I knew the family wouldnt be able to pay me, and i was OK with that. Their kids were sweet and kind, and i was more than willing to do it to give them a night out. After the kids went to bed i turned on the TV and washed up the dishes, & cleaned the kitchen. (Thats what i do. I always try to leave the house in better condition than when i got there.) The parents got back later, and were shocked. Apparently in Ireland lots of babysitters charge OUTRAGEOUS prices for just a warm body to be in the house. They had never had anyone clean up while they were out. It makes me tear up just thinking about it...

Now, im not saying that hey look how awesome i am, but rather im giving you some sort of insight into why i work with kids, and why i love them so much. Its not so much that im blessing the parents, but that the children are blessing me. Their innocence is something that i wish i had, so i just try gather up as much of that as i can while im around them. 

Just now my friend's little boy ran into my room and snuggled up with me on my bed. He's now telling me about how when he's 7 he's going to be bigger and stronger than me... i can deal with that as long as he still has sleepovers with me when he's 7. He said that he will....

Ah. There you have it. That's why i love kids and what i do what i do. Now, i just need to remember all of that when i go to work today...

Courageously working with kids,

Lauren

My Guilty Pleasure

So, im not really one to be all fluffy & change colors in font on my blog, but this post is deserving of a color change.

What time is it? What is my guilty pleasure?

Yep, you guessed it. Its NBA finals season and boy am i amped. My home team is not in the playoffs (dont hate on the MN Timberwolves... they just arent there yet), but my team is on the move towards a 2nd NBA ring. Yep. the Lakers. Im a Lakers fan and i am not afraid to say it.


Also, right now im streaming the Cavaliers vs. Celtics game on my computer. I am not a Cavs fan by any means, nor am i a Lebron fan. The reason i watch is to see (and hope) that the Celtics beat the Cavs. it would be sweet justice. it would put my heart to rest for just a little bit longer...


Im not really sure where my love for basketball started, but boy am i thankful for it. 


Last year i would go to Buffalo Wild Wings, sit up at the bar, order a hard cider & wings, and just sit there and watch the game. My favorite memory is of 2 jr high basketball coaches. They were men in their mid 30s who were there after a game, and sat down a few stools from me. I was talking with the bartender about the game, and they happened to over hear me. The Lakers were playing the Nuggets, and it was a pretty intense series. The guys thought that they would try to test my knowledge a little bit, and were just picking at LA. Finally, i looked at the bartender, (we were kind of buddies. He was a sweet man.) he winked at me, and i started to chat with the coaches. They were talking about a call and they clearly had no idea what they were talking about. They were trying to BS their way through it, and were completely unsuccessful in their attempt to sound smart. I totally schooled them (really. i did. im not just saying that to sound awesome. i really did.) and they proceeded to not talk to me for the rest of the night, and let me revel in the glorious win of my team... it was wonderful~!


Now, it is almost half-time. Im hoping the Celtics win, move on to play Orlando, and then i dont really care who wins there...


HOWEVER.


I do care about the western conference finals series. My friend Amanda is a huge Suns fan, so im totally pumped to talk a little smack these next couple of weeks...!


Ah, the joys of being a basketball fan...!


Bring on the Suns.


Courageously hating on Lebron,
Lauren

The 3 Game

My friend Angie over here, tagged me in the 3 game, and Im super excited to do this! 


Here i go~
Thanks Angie!!


3 names I go by:
Lauren
Lulu
Miss Lauren

3 jobs I have had:
Nanny
Preschool Teacher's Assistant
Assistant to THE J.Gray

3 places I have lived:
Janesville, MN
Skerries, Ireland
Juneau, AK

3 fave drinks:
Strawberry & Basil Mojito
White Chocolate Mocha
Pomegranate Sunshine (AMAZING juice)

3 TV shows I watch:
GLEE
The Big Bang Theory
Prison Break

3 places I have been:
Florida
Alaska
Ireland

3 places I would like to visit:
Australia
Africa
Hawaii

3 fave retro TV shows:
Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman
Charles in Charge
M*A*S*H

3 fave dishes:
Black Bean Tacos with cilantro slaw & Feta
Voges Boats
Saturday Morning Breakfast

3 things I am looking forward to:
Prison Break to end...
The start of a new book...
My life picking up and beginning again...


I now tag...


Sharon @ Following the Way
Naomi @ And Adeline too
Breanne @ Life of a Newlywed


Courageously playing games,
Lauren

Bravery is all relative

Jane very professionally places the Croque-Monsieurs onto two 

waiting plates, adds some salad on the side.  Adam stands 

nearby with a glass of wine, jacket off. * 

  

ADAM 

That looks amazing.  

JANE 

It’s called a croque-monsieur. It’s 

one of the first things I learned 

to make when I lived in Paris 

because the ingredients are really  

really cheap. 

ADAM 

When did you live in Paris? 

JANE 

In my early twenties. I went there 

to take a six day pastry class and 

ended up staying a year working as 

an apprentice in a baker y. 

What is not shown on this screenplay is that Adam next says to Jane, "Wow. You're really brave." 

Hm... this obviously does something to me for me to be almost in tears at Barnes & Noble while typing all of that. 

I love hearing Steve Martin (Adam) telling Meryl Streep (Jane) that she is so brave for going and living in a foreign land for however long. That is wonderful, and that was so brave of her to do that. 

Now, if someone were to tell me that (and many people have) i would just brush it off with a simple thank you, knowing that deep down inside it really wasnt all that brave. When i lived in Ireland & Alaska i never had a second thought about it. I just figured that I needed to take the chance set before me, and go. Never once did i, or do i now, think that those instances were extremely brave. They were what i did at that time.

Now some of you are immediately thinking of the comment that you will be posting after this because no, i was completely brave. I understand and i say thank you, but its really not necessary. 

There are many things that other people consider easy or brave. Some people view being able to drive in the cities as easy. I thought i was brave to just be able to drive to the airport and back! Some people may think nothing of letting people in on their life. I think long and hard about every single blog post keeping in mind who will be reading this. I dont want everyone i know in on every single part of my life for fear of judgment. Some people may think that my going and living in another country is brave... i thought of it as something that i just needed to take advantage of and go do...

Im not sure what im trying to say or convey here, if anything. Im just letting my mind and thoughts wander, and fall in place wherever they may. I think im going to classify this as a sounding board post. Somewhere that i can come back to and think about it again...

So, here i go. Off to do bigger and braver things. 

Courageously saying that i dont think that i am the bravest person in the world,

Lauren

ps: the first few lines are from the movie "It's Complicated"

Not one of those posts...

So lately my posts have seemed a little more sorrowful than usual. Not necessarily more sorrowful, but they seem to have more of a sadness to them. 

Well, im here to assure you. In case you may have doubted at any moment, I am holding strong to the promises that God has given me. Thankfully its not between you and me, but Him & me. 

Now, i dont say that to be mean or bitchy or anything like that, but it helps release me from any unspoken pressure or guilt. 

Im slowly learning that its OK for me to learn to love God again, and OK to learn to trust Him again. Now, once again, im not saying that God has done anything to not let me trust him. What i am saying is that in my own humanity i have decided to blame everything on God. My thoughts were of thanking God for ruining my life, and for letting those certain people in my life ruin me the way that they did. Like a hey, thanks for cutting me off on the freeway kind of thank you. 

These past few months have been months of death (not physical), mourning, brokenness, aching, etc. THAT is what i had been thanking God for. Thank you God for messing up what i thought to be my perfect life. I lived in a state where i felt accepted, i had the best job ever, i had met a guy who liked me, and i was doing pretty good. So of course my thinking was God, how dare you try to mess up this great thing that i have going. 

HA! What a laugh. Yes, it was the best job i had ever had, yes i loved the state of Alaska, yes the guy did like me but its not like that was really going to go anywhere...

Let's take a sidestep here quick: remember the story of the Israelites & Pharaoh? How the Israelites were never going to see how great and amazing God was if He didnt harden Pharaoh's heart to show them his wonderfulness? AND, how they thought that they would have been better off if they just stayed under his ruling instead of wasting away in the desert?? THAT is how I felt. I have been living the life of an ungrateful Israelite. 

I was wishing that I had been back under the ruling of Pharaoh even him being as awful as he was. Why? Because i was OK! I was doing really well. On the outside, with all of my issues being masked and forgotten about, i seemed to  look as if i had most, if not all of it together. Thankfully God had a desert in mind...

Yes, it has been hard. No, it has not been fun or easy. I have spent numerous hours crying, begging and pleading for the Lord to just come and end this. There has only been one moment in my life where i truly wished that i would die, and that was during this season. Not die to die, but for this just all to end. Now, that may seem a bit dramatic to some of you, but until you are there its a hard thing to understand. Thankfully, that moment was what it was. A moment. Literally a moment... i have amazing friends~

Im thankful that i am now in a place where i am experiencing (for the first time ever) the TRUE PEACE that surpasses all understanding. Its true. I dont understand where this is coming from. I have been so calm lately and have not been reacting to things the way that i normally would. Whoa. Who is this person? Where did she come from?

Now, im not saying that i have it altogether. i dont. please dont think that for even a second. However, im getting there. Im maybe even a little more than ok right now. I might even be doing really well. But that doesnt mean that im not still dealing with issues. i am. we all are. i may just be doing a little better than i was before~

Today has been a day where i feel like all i have done is rambled, and that is what i feel like im doing here. But it all makes sense. Im in the process of sorting and moving things around. Making room for something new and great. God hasnt brought me this far to just sit back and do nothing, and im thankful that He knows how much i can and cannot handle. Im not preparing or bracing myself for a big F5 tornado, but maybe just a light rain with a little lightning thrown here and there... the kind of lightning that doesnt bring thunder with it....

So thats what im doing. im preparing and prepping my mind, heart, soul, and body for something new. Im not needing to remove bandages, apply peroxide, and apply MORE bandages to my wounds. RIght now im just sitting back, and marveling at how well the skin can come back together, and just let my wounds get a little air... a little life back in them again.

Im breathing... the breath of life....

Courageously letting my wounds dry,

Lauren

Gethsamane

By no means am i a poet, or do i even claim to be one. Poetry scares me. its so hard to understand and to get, and i feel so insecure and not OK when i hear something and it doesnt stir up anything in me.


A friend of mine got me hooked on Mary Oliver. Please remember, i do not claim to know anything about a good poem, or do i even claim to understand it. i went to purchase a book of poems by her at barnes & noble and my first thought was, "how dare i think i am smart enough to buy this and understand it." Thankfully i was struck by one of the poems so i bought it anyway. Maybe this is my leap into good poetry. my entry point to learn and grow and find something beautiful in it. Either way, i love this poem. Please enjoy it as much as i do...


Gethsemane
by Mary Oliver


The grass never sleeps,
Or the roses.
Nor does the lily have a secret eye that shuts until morning.


Jesus said, wait with me. But the disciples slept.


The cricket has such splendid fringe on its feet,
and it sings, have you noticed, with its whole body,
and heaven knows if it ever sleeps.


Jesus said, wait with me. And maybe the stars did, maybe
the wind wound itself into a silver tree, and didn't move,
maybe
the lake far away, where once he walked as on a 
blue pavement,
lay still and waited, wild awake.


Oh the dear bodies, slumped and eye-shut, that could not
keep that vigil, how they must have wept,
so utterly human, knowing this too
must be a part of the story.






Courageously knowing nothing about poetry,
Lauren

Here Goes

I have had 2 posts brewing and stirring in my mind for the last couple of days. I sit down to write, and off they go. They are thrown from my mind into the abyss that is staring right back at me. Why is this? Why is it that when I sit down to write, my mind goes blank and I have an immediate reaction to just stop what I'm doing. 


Maybe it's just so overwhelming with all of the words and thoughts and ideas that are running through my mind. So much is going on in my mind, but Im not going to blog about everything. 


Maybe its so overwhelming to think of who may be reading this. People who have hurt me in the past are reading this, and I am not comfortable sharing my life with them. Some people gets bits & pieces, but there are some that will never hear anything from my life except for what they read here, or what other people tell them.


Maybe it's the fear that I am not an amazingly eloquent writer. I have friends who can write words that speak beauty and depth and understanding into my life. I do not have those words... that is not my gift. Yes. The fear of rejection. I think that's what it boils down to...


So what do I do about this? Do i just press against the sharp points and write and see how it is received? Or do I decide that maybe im just not called to write; therefore, I will stop. Hm... that's a good question. One that i do not have an answer to. 


As I sit here and think, my mind is overwhelmed. I want my words to be great and bring a hope and joy, and love and peace, and... to people, but usually all i bring is conflict. Maybe not conflict, but words that tend to get me into trouble. i tend to think that it's OK for me to bring my thoughts and feelings places. It is, right? Well, that's a question that I'm answering. Is it really OK? Do people want me, or just what they think is the real me? Will people be disappointed if I write that maybe I dont read my Bible every day? Yes. Some people will be. They wont say that directly, but they will think it. Will some people be shocked to hear that Im going to codependents anonymous meetings every Tuesday night? YES. Some people will be shocked to read that. Is it OK for me to say this or is that a part of me that will be laughed at and ridiculed for? But wait. Why would people laugh at me for trying to make my life better? Well, that's another great question. One that I dont have an answer for. 


So you may be asking... what is the point of this post? What is it that Im trying to convey to my audience. The answer is... i dont know. i dont know what im trying to say. i dont know what point im trying to get across or even if i have a legitimate point. However, I do know this. I know that after I post this blog i am going to feel sick about divulging too much of my life. People's feelings will probably be hurt. I will probably get an email chastising me for singling a person out, even though im not. But most of all, i will feel sick that i am putting a bit of myself out there. Putting myself out there in a way that i cannot see or know the reaction that will be on the other end. Maybe that's better. Maybe it's best to not know how people respond to me. However, ive learned that silence from a person means that they are mad at me. Im not saying hey if you like this post a comment because im completely insecure. What i am saying is that maybe its time for me to branch out and put myself out there again. Maybe this time there will be a different reception to my thoughts and feelings. Maybe it will be the same. Or maybe... it will be the same, but i will be able to respond differently because i am different. i am different. i am different. 


But thats ok... its ok to be different; to be set apart. 


Well here it goes. Here goes me being weak and vulnerable. When I am weak, He is strong~


Courageously trying my best,
Lauren