love

Today while i was at work, i decided to read for a little bit. i was still frustrated about my reading from last night, so i just decided to flip through & see where the Lord would take me. 

These are the verses that struck me as truth today:

"...For why should be freedom be judged by another's conscience?" -1 Corinthians 10:29

I feel as if this verse speaks for itself. I really needed to read this today. I know that if i am in the wrong somewhere in my thinking that the Lord will show me. Until then, i will continue to try & show love~

"... and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing." -1 Corinthians 13:2

Once again... love~

"And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love." -1 Corinthians 13:2

~

"Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be men of courage; be strong. Do everything in love." -1 Corinthians 16:13,14

~

So there you have it. thats what i want. to love the Lord, and to love others. Yes, i know that i will fail, but im not perfect, and i dont claim to be. But i want to try...

courageously loving (or at least trying to~),

Lauren

writing

that's all i want to do. write. but i have nothing to say. not to myself. to other people, yes. so maybe thats what i should do. write letters to others, but not send them. 


but that's where my mind knows that its being tricked. i then feel compelled to send it. but i dont want to. i dont want to write for anyone but myself...


so in a way i feel like im stuck. 


i want to write great things. i want to write simple things. i want to write to feed my soul.


but somehow my brain just gets in the way... i end up writing for others. or tell myself that its not good enough. 


what is this thing in me? i want to be great at something... but im not sure what that great thing is. 


i want a big life for myself, but what am i doing to accomplish that? anything? is there anything that i really can do?


im not sure. im asking myself all of these questions, and then some. and keep coming up with nothing. 


but maybe its not about the answer, but rather in the asking of the questions. maybe that's enough. maybe just for now.


i was reading last night. i know that my heart was ready to receive. but maybe my mind wasnt. or isnt. im not sure. but it was hard. it was hard reading & having more questions flood my mind. 


what do i do with that? im not sure yet. i do know that i dont want to give up. not here. not on this hill. there are other hills that i know are not meant to be climbed by me. others, yes. me? maybe sometime. but this hill right here... this reading & writing disconnect... it is meant to be climbed. by me. 


so that's all ive got. im heading out for work soon. ill have my books with me. maybe ill pick them up. maybe i wont. im not quite sure yet. but i do know that ill try. ive got to try something. 


there you have it. that's what my life's looking like right now. a lot of unknowns. a lot of questions. few answers. but, like i said before, the answers are somehow in the questions...


either way. i dont want to stop writing. or reading. or learning. or growing. im just not sure how to go about anything. or if im even accomplishing anything. 


courageously & honestly writing (or at least attempting to),
lauren

it's all in the melting of the snow.

   it reveals what we all thought was

lost. 

   life is

again renewed. 

the sun shines in a way that we had

   forgotten.

somehow our

hopes & dreams are ours

   again.

the rain is washing the sidewalks the way our tears

   cleanse our hearts.

hope is restored.

   flowers are in bloom.

our hearts are being

   opened.

the wind is blowing the curtains.

can you hear them... the robins?

they are singing the same song that is in my

   heart.

it sings the song of winter & of hardships endured.

but it longs for something new.

   and the promise is there.

all you need to do is open your eyes

   because

its buried beneath the melting snow.

just take it. and let go.

courageously putting myself out there,

lauren

i dont really have anything to write... i dont really have anything to say...


life is life right now. nothing great. nothing terribly awful. its a lot of in the middle. 


if something comes up, i think that i can bounce back pretty quick. (keyword: think)


there have been a couple of things in my life lately that i just feel guilt over... 


and i just need to remind myself that guilt isnt from the Lord...


that if im to be convicted of something that the Lord will show me...


and lead me...


and guide me...


to the place that i should be...


where He wants me to be...


and i can rest in that...


or at least attempt to rest in that...


but then there are moments where i just spin... 


i need to stop. 


no spinning. 


so there's that. i have a couple of areas of conflict in my life,


but they arent crippling me. 


im alive...


and resting in the new mercies that the Lord promises us~


courageously spinning & resting at the same time,
lauren

my music

Ok. i decided i wanted to take this post in a little more of a lighthearted direction. sometimes i just dont want to always post serious posts. or thought-provoking posts. SO. here it is...! 


Ok. thank you itunes for being awesome. and letting me see what ive purchased from you in the past year. 


In order:
Andrew Bird- Noble Beast
John Mayer- Battle Studies*
The Brothers Bloom soundtrack
k.d. lang- Hallelujah EP
Loud Reed- Prefect Day single
Jon Foreman- Winter*, Spring*, Summer*, Fall*
Hans Zimmer- Sherlock Holmes soundtrack
(500) Days of Summer soundtrack
Glee Cast (Im just putting this down as 1 thing. i have so many glee songs...)
Rich Mullins- If i Stand (single)*
Crazy Heart soundtrack
Mumford & Sons- Sigh No More*
Arcade Fire- The Suburbs*
Keane- Night Train
Beauty & the Beast soundtrack
Byron "Mr.Talkbox" Chambers* (such a kind man)
Andrew Peterson & Randall Goodgame- Slugs & Bugs & Lullabies
Taylor Swift- Speak Now
Kanye West- Runaway single
Michael W. Smith- Wonder
Matisyahu- One Day*
The Raconteurs- Consolers of the Lonely & Broken Boy Soldiers
Joshua James- Fields & Floods*
Brandon Flowers- Flamingo*
The Civil Wars- Barton Hollow*
Train- Marry Me*
Maroon 5- Hands All Over
The Black Keys- Brothers
OneRepublic- Waking Up
Carter Burwell- True Grit soundtrack*
Katy Perry- Teenage Dream
Amos Lee- Mission Bell*
Gregory Alan Isakov- This Empty Northern Hemisphere*
James Vincent McMorrow- Early in the Morning
Derek Webb- She Must and Shall Go Free
Lauren McCuistuin- Sightlessly (i met her once and she was very kind. how could i not?)
Joe Cocker- the Millennium Collection
Blue Valentine Soundtrack*


*= great. you should get it. soon. 


There you are! Its pretty random, yet wonderfully great. There are a few songs here & there that i just got randomly that arent included on the list... no biggie...! :)


courageously enjoying music,
lauren

Im not sure yet what this post is going to look like. i feel a lot of things stirring up in me, & im wanting to write about all of them, but im not sure how, or if, they'll flow. 


This past sunday my friends and i were driving up to church, and i got to thinking about a few things. This past week has been a strange week to say the least. ive had some interesting (& not so interesting) things happen & come up, and i think that im thankful for most of them. other things will just take a little bit more time. Anyway, i had someone say a few things to me that did not feel right. that didnt line up with what i believe. that made me not question anything, but definitely think about what i had thought. thankfully i have a wonderful friend who reminds me of the truth... and what she does and does not want from me... Anyway...


during our drive i had made a comment. what seemed to be a small comment at the time, but it carried into what the pastor eventually spoke about...


we were talking, & i decided to just say what was on my mind. that i felt what it comes down to in this life is love. that isnt love what saves us? what draws us to the Lord? isnt love the thing that leads us to conviction? and changes us? isnt it the thing that i should be showing to those around me? isnt that what we're called to? 


"Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?"
"Jesus replied, "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself..."


Ill be honest & say that love is something that i have to try & remember to do. yes, there are some people that are easier to love. there are some people that i know love me, & that makes it easier to love them. is that wrong? sure. am i working on it? im trying to. 


but the thing that gets me the most is that it is love that changes me. its not anger. or hatred. or being yelled at. or any number of other things. its love. 


love brings me to conviction. its the Lord's way of showing me that yes, im wrong. or yes, you have messed up. or yes, you do need to change your life. it changes me.


Anyway, the pastor had said that that was what happened with Jesus & the Samaritan woman... that He loved her. The pastor then gave us 3 things that the Lord did at that moment:


1. Before He met her, he loved her. 
2. He accepted her just as she was. He knew that she had already had 5 husbands before even said anything. And still... He loved her...
3. He included her. He told her that she was free to worship wherever... it didnt have to be just Jerusalem.


amazing. completely amazing. i know that some of you may be thinking its just too simple. that im missing other big theological points. and maybe i am. and if that's the case, i am willing to be wrong, & know that the LORD will show me. but for now, this is what ive got. and it's saving me. and changing my life. and maybe even changing the lives of those around me. maybe. hopefully. 


"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear..."--1 john 4:18.


i dont want to be afraid. i do not like fear. so love is what ive got. 
and im holding onto it. and hopefully im allowing it to change my life.


courageously hoping to be changed by love,
lauren


*Before i forget*
please check out these lyrics & listen to this song. it came up as i started writing... go figure. click the song title to hear the song.


Your Love is Strong
jon foreman


Heavenly Father
You always amaze me
Let your kingdom come
In my world and in my life
You give me the food I need
To live through the day
And forgive me as I forgive
The people that wronged me
Lead me far from temptation
Deliver me from the evil one

I look out the window
The birds are composing
Not a note is out of tune
Or out of place
I look at the meadow
And stare at the flowers
Better dressed than any girl
On her wedding day

So why do I worry?
Why do I freak out?
God knows what I need
You know what I need

Chorus (3x):
Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong

The kingdom of the heavens
Is now advancing
Invade my heart
Invade this broken town
The kingdom of the heavens
Is buried treasure
Will you sell yourself
To buy the one you've found?

Two things you told me
That you are strong
And you love me
Yes, you love me

(Chorus 3x)

Our God in heaven
Hallowed be
Thy name above all names
Your kingdom come
Your will be done
On earth as it is in heaven
Give us today our daily bread
Forgive us wicked sinners
Lead us far away from our vices
And deliver us from these prisons

ok. this is my blog. i can post about whatever i want. and tonight im going to...

Ok God. where in the hell are you? i know that you can do great things, and know all of these other things, and know what's best for us, but really? i thought i had heard from you. i thought a lot of things... and now im just pissed off. and i can be... because even though im typing it out for the world to see, You already knew these things.... these thoughts... these feelings...


So where are you?