. . . it has been a day today . . .

nothing awful, but im definitely tired for no reason other than the fact that my brain just needs to turn off...

i watched a little top chef, typed out an email, looked at pics for a bit, & even did a little light facebook stalking.

and then i realized that i just needed something more. something to awaken or encourage or even provoke my mind into some sort of existence... even for these last few hours that im awake. ill take anything...

so i picked up one of my mary oliver books... a new one (love).

and i just started flipping through the pages. not necessarily landing on a single poem or even staying there long enough to read one.

i looked at the titles. the phrasing. a word here. something about a bird there.

it was wonderful. all of it.

and then i realized something: it is moments like these where a part of me comes to life. a part that ive maybe lost in the craziness of the week.

now, i am not an artist or writer or anything of the sort.

however.

it is in that small moment where maybe i can feel like i have something bigger than myself to offer the world. that maybe the world has something greater to offer me.

that maybe... just maybe... i know a little more than i give myself credit for. i like those moments. they are few & far between, but when they appear, i take them as a gift~

i put Rod Stewart's "Forever Young" on repeat. that song has been doing something in me lately. something good. so go check it out~ (click the song title)

So, that's what ive got to bring to the world today.

Oh... maybe ill leave you with a little mary oliver~

Maybe
   ~M. Oliver


Sweet Jesus, talking
  his melancholy madness,
     stood up in the boat
        and the sea lay down,


silky and sorry.
  So everybody was saved
     that night.
       But you know how it is


when something
  different crosses
     the threshold- the uncles
       mutter together,


the women walk away,
  the young brother begins
     to sharpen his knife.
       Nobody knows what the soul is.


It comes and goes
  like the wind over the water--
     sometimes, for days,
       you don't think of it.


Maybe, after the sermon,
  after the multitude was fed,
     one of two of them felt
       the soul slip forth


like a tremor of pure sunlight,
  before exhaustion,
     that wants to swallow everything,
       gripped their bones and left them


miserable and sleepy,
  as they are now, forgetting
     how the wind tore at the sails
       before he rose and talked to it--


tender and luminous and demanding
  as he always was--
     a thousand times more frightening
       than the killer sea.

ok. so i started a blog post earlier today, stopped it, & here i am starting a brand new one...

so this fear thing. i blogged about it last time, but unfortunately it has sort of developed into a constant thing in my life. and i really do not like it. at all.

it's robbing me of joy in my life. it is taking my life & adding a new yoke to it. and it is not light.

i am thankful for a great new season in my life... i am surrounded by friends who love me & who care for me. im thankful for new adventures & new people who are bringing me joy. im thankful that i am no longer a slave to guilt (well, for the most part) and that i have a great church to go to. im thankful for so many things...

and then here comes the but. but this... but that...

i dont want those. i just want to be able to sit back & enjoy the good & beautiful things that are in my life. i dont want my rational (and sometimes irrational) fears to get in my way.

i want to live my life! and enjoy it! i want to take this new season & just love it for everything that it is!

im dating someone that i really like. and it's fun! who doesnt want to enjoy that?!

im surrounded by friends who love me for me! who gets that in this lifetime?! i want to enjoy that!

i dont want to walk around like a little kid who cant function in this life.

i want to live my life! i know too many people who are sitting back & letting their fear ruin their lives & the lives of those around them.

im not living like that. i refuse to. that has never been the life ive wanted. and its not the life i was made to live.

so. there's that. that's what im feeling & i really dont like it. i want to be done with it.

fortunately i have tools that i can use. thankfully, i am surrounded by people who love me & want the best for me. and who have had more than enough patience & grace for me.

Hmm... i wonder if that's part of it. im afraid that eventually that grace will run out...

anyway. unfortunately, these things take time. and i am not a very patient person. i want to just be done with this fear thing right now.

but i guess that's where i have to just sit & let the Lord work. i know that the Lord will give me what i need when i need it. i know that...

i just got a text from my dearest friend...

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything pray with thanksgiving in your heart. And the peace of God which passes all understanding will guard your heart and mind in Christ."


im so thankful for her~

im thankful that i have people in my life who have my back.

and now i realize that ive used the word "im" a lot today. sorry about that... maybe next post it'll be something a little different...

thanks for listening my dear readers~

Wow. look at me blogging after a month of not...!


So, here's how it all started. my body decided to get sick & hate me for a week. i was down for the count. oh, and then i decided to get strep on top of all of that! Im over all of that, but once again my body has decided to randomly break out in hives when i get nervous or something like that... SO! Benadryl has been my friend to say the least~!


On top of all of the sickness, i havent really had a lot to say. no inspiration has flowed through me. i definitely felt stuck in a season. There have also been a few other things going on here & there (i might share them someday. we'll see.) so my mind has been at max. capacity and there hasnt been room for anything other than crappy tv shows on netflix.


However... im thankful to be back. Im thankful to say that i have a few things on my mind. 


We went to church on sunday & i definitely had a post stirring in me before & after, but... i feel like maybe that one has come & gone for now. It was a really good message & there were definite points that stuck out, but i feel like this other thing within me is more of where my heart's at right now. 


SO.... here goes nothing~!


I have been thinking a lot lately about things that people say. and how they affect us. and stick with us. and then how they strike up other thoughts & emotions in you...


ive been doing a lot of sorting lately. a lot of thinking back on moments where a friend had said really hurtful & mean things to me. at the time i was so immersed in something else that i didnt even have time to let them sink into me or affect me (but that doesnt mean my bff wasnt completely offended by them for me). 


Well. let's fast-forward to me right now. those words... the ones that i thought hadnt stuck or didnt affect me... are completely changing me. they're making me have to ask hard questions & to just be brutally honest with myself & those around me. 


it's really hard. im kind of a broken person. 


and ive known that im a broken person, but now im having to deal with it & acknowledge it more than i would really want to. it seems that that's how im walking through my day: acknowledging my brokenness, attempting to find grace & forgiveness, & then moving on. oh, and let's repeat that a few more times. it gets really exhausting after a few times of having to do that. 


i was thinking about it all yesterday & trying to not let the fear of things in my past rule my life in the present. im trying to tell myself the truth & allow the Lord to keep doing a good work in me. but yesterday this fear completely came over me.


fear of not being good enough. of being naive. of friends bailing on me. of so many things...


i do not want to live my life like that. i wont live my life like that. i refuse to. 


so... what do i do about that? Well, that's a great question. im thankful to have wonderful friends who love me & tell me the truth. Im thankful that the fall season has started up again... who knew i would ever say that?! im thankful that we're heading back up to church on sundays. im thankful for a new season in my life... that's good~


so there's me. that's what im at right now. im not letting the fear of lies & hateful words that were spoken to me, rule my life. that was a one time thing... not all people are like that. and im thankful to say that no one in my life is like that. what a relief~!


So... thanks for welcoming me back. sorry it has been so long.


here's to a new season... fall... friendships... good drink... good food... 


amen. hallelujah. 

Ok, i should start this by saying that im doing my usual blogging & top chef watching... so in case i start talking about how strange Tom looks or how long Padma's hair is... you know why.

That all being said...

So earlier this week on facebook i had mentioned something about how people do neurotic things to have some sort of control over their lives. I didnt really touch on mine, but ill touch on it here & now because it has been an interesting few 5 hours...

So, remember how i blogged earlier this week about how i felt closer to the Lord & that i needed to mark that moment because i knew how fleeting it would be? Im sure glad that i did, because sometimes i just need to remember dear moments like those.

So... today has actually been a great day. The kiddos & i headed into town this morning and i actually got a LOT done! The oldest little one even helped me pick out my niece's birthday present for her party on sunday (woohoo)! So, really it was an easy day... i love days like those~

And i obviously needed that...

i came home after work & something struck me. i came across something & it just sent me into a spiral. In a matter of 20 minutes i had gone from a great day to please... let us make margaritas tonight & just hopefully drink my sorrows away~ (i stuck with a great sort of punch & Kraken Rum... it was great.)

I was definitely trigged & i started thinking about certain things in my life. Things that i thought had definitely gone to rest, but were obviously still in there somewhere. What in the freaking hell!? I was  completely thrown off so i definitely reverted to a few old ways...

So, coming back to what i had posted on facebook earlier this week... 

i had said something about how people do neurotic things when they have no other control over their life. i know mine. When i cant control anything else, i know that at the end of the day i can control what i eat & basically my size... how much i weigh. SO, what do i do? I just dont eat. i have definitely gone a few days without any more than a water & coffee... it's not something that i enjoy, but i have control. i can keep one area of my life in my own hands. 

I had that moment today. i knew what was on the menu (and i was SO excited about it!) but i just didnt know how i could do it. I suddenly wasnt hungry & knew i wasnt going to be able to eat much... WELL. Thankfully after almost 2 years of therapy, i can somewhat get over that in less than a couple of hours. Im glad to say that i finished MOST of my dinner & even enjoyed it~! (hello freshly delicious homemade croutons!) 

But that's really not the point...

something completely threw me off. im feeling completely displaced within myself. im trying to feel my feelings, but im over crying. i just dont want to deal with it.

I definitely know that my feelings were hurt, but i didnt want to cry. i quickly switched over into anger so that i could just be mad & not cry & just move on. I know, that maybe doesnt seem completely right, but im aware of that & i think that it counts... anyway...

i dont know what to do. Im trying to be ok, but i dont necessarily have a place for any of it. Even as im sitting here there is definitely something within me that is hidden under the surface that i cant find... it's somehow hidden.

and maybe it is the grace of the Lord...?... im not sure. once again, im kind of on the outs with Him. I know that it may sound fickle considering my blog a couple of days ago, but ive found nothing but silence ever since. AND, if He's the God that i know He is... then i think that He can deal with it~

So...

What do i do? where do i go from here? Im not really sure. Im definitely feeling hurt, anger, violation, and so many more things that im just really not sure what they are. im realizing that my cross is being carried with me more & more, & closer & closer to me... right now it's lying on my stomach waiting to just be grasped closer to my heart... if anything at least im still somewhat searching & grasping for the Lord~

So, im not sure what to do or where to go from here... im just trying to walk it all out & hope for the best. There are certain things that right now, have no place to go... no storage container has been created & im just waiting & ready to do something if i need to...

So, there's that. Im not sure what to do with any of it. Im just trying to be OK for now, because im over being hurt. Im just over it. seriously. 

i was talking with my dear friend about it tonight, & she told me to just be kind with myself... oh my God... that's one thing that im really having a hard time with. Im not being kind with myself, because im better than that.... but i know that i need to be... so shit. im just trying really hard right now to not completely take 3 steps back... maybe just 2... ugh...

SO, there's that. i have 17 minutes left of Top Chef & im just exhausted. I know what's going to happen, so maybe i can just go to bed...

im sure that this all is maybe a bit jumbled but that's how im feeling. that's honest. that's me. 

me attempting to maybe be a bit brave...?... courageous...?... or just crazy?... who knows?....

thanks for reading... thanks for taking the time to listen to me rant about my crazy life~

~LVo

Well, it's late & i should be asleep. but im not. instead im downing the sleepy-time tea in hopes of it working its magic~!

That being said... i need to mark the moment. there are certain times in my life where i need to take a breath, step back, & remember what's going on.

So...

something is going on within me. i feel like there's something greater at work in me. i spent some of my day organizing & straightening & just trying to get my ducks in a row. something you do before you go somewhere or do something new.

by the end of the day i felt like there was a bit more free space in my life. and throughout the night its almost as if the good Lord Himself has been filling that space up... with love. grace. kindness. mercy. the Holy Spirit. those sorts of things.

i dont have these moments often & when i do i know how fleeting they are. so im wanting to just enjoy it for what it is & be in the moment. if there's something that the Lord has for me, i dont want to miss it. I dont necessarily care what it is because i know that it's out of the Lord's heart. 

a couple of years ago a friend & i had gone to the local christian store & purchased 2 rosaries, one for each of us. we had read an essay about how running the beads through your fingers while reciting a verse just brings a sort of peace that runs through you. That the presence of the Lord somehow comes upon you & maybe you can go on for a few more minutes. we found them at a time of extreme need. 

i removed the cross from my beads as it was easier to wear & it was nice to be able to just throw my cross in my pocket in moments where i needed it. 

I still wear my beads as a necklace (it's a favorite of mine) but it has been awhile since ive really used my cross & just let it work in & through me.

Well, while organizing today i came across it. i was really excited about it & really felt that it was appointed by the Lord. 

Right now it is sitting on my bed right next to me & it will move to my nightstand while i sleep. then tomorrow i will put it in my pocket & let it walk with me through the day & maybe. just maybe. it will speak a little more life back into me.

to be extremely honest these last couple of weeks have been really hard for me. ive sort of crawled into myself & just havent wanted to be extremely social. ive felt attacked & have definitely been harder on myself than i have been in awhile. insecurities have risen up in me again & i couldnt even sit by myself in a restaurant without wanting to crawl out of my skin. what in the world?! im completely capable of that! its one of those things that i love to do! i just think that brick on top of brick decided to pile up & box me in.

so maybe that's where im at. maybe im just breaking through them slowly. or quickly. 

so. that's where im at. im feeling just a little closer to the Lord, but it's obviously enough to change something within me. 

(on a complete sidenote some of you might have noticed that im signing out different. yes. i am. i feel like this blog is slowly evolving. my stories are a bit different & it's more about just being real. i might change the site name, but who knows? for now ill just stick with changing up the signature.)

thanks for reading~

L

the Jesus-juke

So ive seen a lot of this going on lately. its kind of annoying. SO, im going to hopefully educate some of you in the art of the "Jesus-juke." 


I just copied the article but if you want to see it in its entirety click here.


enjoy~


oh. and if you feel the need to jokingly juke me, that's funny!

Weird things happen to me when I fly. If you followed me on Twitter you would know this because I tend to have “tweet explosions,” when I’m at airports.

Last Sunday morning, as our plane lifted off the ground, the person behind me started to play what sounded like a pan flute. Just as we began to soar above the clouds, we were greeted with a Zamfir melody from what I can only assume was some sort of satyr. In his defense, the flight attendant did not say, “Please return your seats to their upright position, carefully stow your carry on luggage and put your pan flute back in its elk skin satchel.” He had every right to play that beautiful wooden instrument and play he did.

At another airport I went to, a humongous bodybuilder spent his time in the terminal doing ferocious push ups right beside me. I tweeted about it and folks told me to prove it with a photo. Not likely. One of my rules for twitter is never snap photos of people who can snap you. And this guy could have broken me in half like a thin blogger branch.

But in all the responses from people asking me questions about the terminal B2 bodybuilder, one stuck out. It was different than the rest, but is something I am growing familiar with.

I call it the “Jesus Juke.”

Like a football player juking you at the last second and going a different direction, the Jesus Juke is when someone takes what is clearly a joke filled conversation and completely reverses direction into something serious and holy.

In this particular case, when I tweeted a joke about the guy doing pushups, someone tweeted me back, “Imagine If we were that dedicated in our faith, family, and finances?”

I was fine with that idea, I was, but it was a Jesus Juke. We went from, “Whoa, there’s a mountain of a man doing pushups next to the Starbucks at the airport,” to a serious statement about the lack of discipline we have in our faith and our family and our finances.

I don’t know how to spell it, but in my head I heard that sad trumpet sound of “whaaaa, waaaa.”

And that wasn’t even a bad Jesus Juke. I didn’t mind that statement at all. That guy seemed fine. I’ve heard much worse. I once tweeted about going to see Conan O’Brien live and how big the crowd was. Someone wrote back, “If we held a concert for Jesus and gave away free tickets, no one would come.” Whaaa, waaaa.

Chances are you’ve experienced this. Someone pulled the Christian version of the Debbie Downer, they threw out a bit of Jesus Juke on you. If you have, or even if you haven’t, there are three things we all need to know about this particular move.

1. It generates shame.

The Jesus Juke is a great way to tell a friend, “I wish you possessed the uber holiness I do and were instead talking about sweet baby Jesus in this conversation.” It’s like a tiny little “shame grenade,” you throw it into an otherwise harmless conversation and then watch it splatter everyone in guilt and condemnation.

2. It never leads to good conversation.

I’ve been Jesus Juked dozens of times in my life and I’ve never once seen it lead to a productive, healthy conversation. You might think it will before you juke, but what usually happens is just raw amounts of awkwardness, similar to how I felt sitting in a theater watching the Last Airbender.

3. I’ve never met someone who was “juked to Jesus.”

I once tweeted, “No one’s ever said: ‘The way you bitterly mock other Christians helped me begin a life-changing love of Jesus’ (Be kind).” I wrote that because I wanted to remind us that our jerkiness never led folks to Christ. I don’t think our jukes do either. I don’t really see it as a conversion technique. It’s more of a conversation killer technique.

I hope we all keep talking about Jesus. I hope we talk about him lots and lots. I hope he defines our life and conversations. But if I tell you that when it comes to My Little Pony, I tend to prefer Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie and that Toola Roola has been riding their coattails for years, please don’t respond, “You know who created ponies? Our Lord God did, that’s who.”

Has anyone ever pulled a “Jesus Juke” on you?

"Remember, by your actions the people of ------- will judge you, the people from the church ... and God."






So i read this just a little bit ago. as if i wasnt already a bit crazed today, let's throw in a little Christian guilt to remind us to keep our filters up & be the perfect Christians that we can be. 


Im all for behaving in an appropriate manner... However, im not for being guilted into it.


im sure the person saying this had the right hear, but man. was their delivery OFF. 


so. just a little reminder or word of advice to all of you readers out there... guilt doesnt work. guilt shouldnt work. 


especially not for something like that.




amen. hallelujah. 






-L