modern day ruin

wanna know a little more about the bf?

check out this page to listen to one of his band's songs, & also take a couple of minutes & vote for them!

im maybe a little proud of him.

also check out this page to like them on facebook!

ps: see if you can figure out the awesome girl singing the vocals in the background... ;)

Ok.

so this has nothing to do with my love or hatred of february... it's rather a few thoughts that have been stirring within me.

i have a few posts within me, but this one is coming forward within me so here it is.

so i have a few coping skills for things that come up within my life, & one of them is anger. whenever i am hurt or sad or whatever else, & i dont want to be... i turn to anger. i just get ragey & pissed off & channel everything into that.

i felt like i laid that to rest a few months ago & have just decided to feel my hurt feelings & go with that. but lately i have felt anger creeping up within me. yesterday morning i was telling my friend that i just want the chance to punch someone or to just be pissed off because that was all i felt.

i hate that about me. i wish i could just let my feelings be hurt & somehow work through it in that space.

but there are situations & circumstances & people that bring that out in me. 

i hate it that these people continually hurt me. and i know that those people only have as much power over you that you give them... i get that.

however. there's something about that statement that somehow removes your actual feelings that you feel. their words still hurt. their actions still hurt. and im trying to not give them anymore power over me that what's actually there, but it's still a bit difficult.

so. i hate being angry. i would love to just cry & be hurt & attempt to get over it that way. but im also sick of having the same feelings about the same situations all of the time.

so. what can i do about that? 

im not quite sure. im still trying to figure that one out. im sorting things out & trying to see what situations/people are good for me, & what ones bring complete toxicity into my life.

and it's difficult. and i dont have all of the right answers. and i dont have it all figured out.

but i think that it at least counts that im trying. that im being proactive & trying to weed out good & bad people & situations in my life.

i would love for certain relationships & situations to grow into something beautiful & be redeemed & to just move past certain things. i feel like im ready for that. but i guess it takes two or three... right?...

so. there you have it. i dont want to be angry, but i dont want to be hurt. so here's to attempting to find the balance~!

. . . more on that later. . . 

lv

alright. i have a few moments to sit down & write about a few of my favorite things so far in the month of february. 

let me tell you... this hasnt been easy. february has kicked my butt so far & im just attempting to stay calm & focused. i was talking to my a friend last night & telling her how i would love to just not cry for 1 day during february... just 1 single day. she then tells me to just go with it & maybe next year will be my year. i kinda like that idea. i think that ive put so much pressure on myself to be OK that im not even living up to my own expectations. 

So. if i cry, i do. if i dont, i dont. either way, i just need to go with it. 

SO. without further ado... my february so far:

Feb. 1st: Day 1 started with me getting to spend the day with my nephew, Ethan! It has kinda sorta even changed into me doing that for 3 days/week... woohoo! i love that little boy. as sweet as he is, he can be a sweet little stinker too, which is great for me because i have a ton of fun with his spunkiness :)

Feb. 2nd: a simple cup of coffee made by el tigre made my day. it was a long day... but there is nothing like sipping a cup of coffee knowing that it has been made with love. it changes my day~

Feb. 3rd: I got to go hang with my nephew again, & this time i got to have breakfast with my brother, too! we ordered pancakes, french toast, etc., from the local cafe & boy oh boy, it was tasty. that might be my new favorite breakfast place...

Feb. 4th: I headed up to the city friday night & saturday spent part of the day riding rides at the MOA with the bf, a sister & bro in law, and 3 nieces & a nephew! whew! it was a ton of fun & i definitely had moments of being a scaredy-cat. not afraid to admit it. but it was a ton of fun :) 

Feb. 5th: it ended up being a VERY LONG day... not all good... but. i went to the MOA with the bf & enjoyed a light lunch with GREAT drinks at Tucci Benucch & ended it with a delicious dessert of tiramisu. OH. MY. GOODNESS. it was amazing. thankfully we split it because there's no way i wouldve finished that on my own. thanks, Jason. it was a blast. thanks for loving me :)

Feb. 6th: So. ive been looking for a job. and it has been a mess. i went to a temp agency & had a prospective job that doesnt need my at the moment. SO, i went to another one & was actually offered a part-time job after my interview yesterday. i have to go in & take a drug test today, and then i start tomorrow morning! like i said, it's part-time, but i will also be watching my nephew the last part of the week. so it all somehow seems to be somewhat coming together. It's still pretty not exactly what i wanted, but it's a step & that's what i need.

So. there you have it. i dont have my good thing for today yet, but im sure i'll get there eventually. 

thanks for reading. thanks for your comments. thanks for walking this out with me. im hoping that february can start looking up. it has been pretty rough but i am enjoying having at least something to focus on while im attempting to mak it through this month.

peace & blessings.

LVo

ps: i have totally been loving this weather. i hate being cold & thankfully i havent been freezing for the past few months...

there. i said it... whew. it feels good to just get that out there.

i even googled "i hate february" to find a great image to post. and you know what? im not the only one who is blogging about it today. that makes me feel just a little bit better about the month...

oh. why you ask? where do i even begin...

its usually the coldest month. (i HATE the cold.)

my day of birth falls in february. 

ive never enjoyed valentine's day.

why? because my birthday treats/cakes always had some sort of pink on them. im not a fan of pink.

the days seem short. winter seems so close, yet so far to being done.

ugh. even thinking about it makes me sick. i hate that. 

i was talking with a friend last night about my hatred of the month. i was telling him about all of these thoughts & feelings & failures come up during this time. He said something that got me thinking. what if its the lord's doing in bringing all of these things to the surface? what if the reason for it is to bring redemption to those areas in my life?

Hmm. that's an interesting thought. what if that's true? God can do anything He wants, so maybe that's how it'll work in me.

so. what's my reason with this post then? well. ive decided that i need to change my attitude about this month. but how do i do that when inevitably something can go wrong at any minute that will completely send me into the stratosphere?

well. that is where this blog, right here, comes into play! 

i was thinking about it this morning & ive decided. i need to think of at LEAST one good thing for every day of the month. i'll make sure that i write it down, & when i have a free moment, i will sit down & blog about it.

i want to like this month. i dont want to be bitter & jaded & whatever else goes along with it. 

so. here's to a new month. to a new view on an old month. 

feel free to add your thoughts along with it. 

thanks. 

LVo

so. i love watching the Lord of the Rings on a nice wintery day. there's something about a nice long movie on a cold day, & watching it while being wrapped up in a blanket. its wonderful~

anyway. i was watching the first one & it came to the middle where they are fleeing from the monster/demon guy that is in some sort of a cave-castle type thing (sorry. i wish i knew the technical names for all of these places).

anyway. Gandolff was standing up to the demon-guy & speaking magical words full of power to somehow try & stop the being from crossing.

anyway. the part that follows is maybe my favorite part in the entire trilogy. Gandolff raises his staff & speaks words filled with power & emotion. and truth...

"You shall not pass!"

there is something about that statement that is attempting to find it's place within me as i type this. i know that my thoughts are a bit jumbled & scattered, but this is what they are.

i wish that i had something like that in my life... a Gandolff who could stand up the forces that are up against me & not allow them to pass.

ive been having strange dreams lately. the other night i hung out with the bf. i fell asleep while we were watching tv & slipped into a a sleep willed with dreams. i was dreaming one of the most terrifying dreams that ive had in awhile, & when i woke up he was watching something with creepy music in the background. i had a hard time breathing & it took me awhile to shake those thoughts from my mind.

maybe im processing through things. maybe im not letting fear escape in my waking mind, so im needing to let it out through dreams? im not quite sure... maybe im just over-thinking it all? im not sure.

there are a lot of things going on and i feel like all of it has been thrown up in the air & i just have to wait for it to drop down & see what happens. i have a hard time with that. i am a planner & like knowing how things are going to go or turn out or... the list goes on.

so. there's all of that. im finishing the night off with the new episode of the big bang theory & hoping for a restful night's sleep.

thanks for reading~
L

this is what i needed today. listen to the song & read the lyrics. maybe they'll change your life a little, too~

(click the link for the video)

L

If I Stand

Rich Mullins

There's more that rises in the morning 

Than the sun 

And more that shines in the night Than just the moon It's more than just this fire here That keeps me warm In a shelter that is larger Than this room

And there's a loyalty that's deeper 

Than mere sentiments 

And a music higher than the songs That I can sing The stuff of Earth competes For the allegiance I owe only to the giver Of all good things

CHORUS: 

So if I stand let me stand on the promise 

That you will pull me through And if I can't, let me fall on the grace That first brought me to You And if I sing let me sing for the joy That has born in me these songs And if I weep let it be as a man Who is longing for his home

There's more that dances on the prairies 

Than the wind 

More that pulses in the ocean Than the tide There's a love that is fiercer Than the love between friends More gentle than a mother's When her baby's at her side

And there's a loyalty that's deeper 

Than mere sentiments 

And a music higher than the songs That I can sing The stuff of Earth competes For the allegence I owe only to the Giver Of all good things

CHORUS(2x)

And if I weep let it be as a man 

Who is longing for his home

so. ive been debating if i want to right a "holiday recap" post, or if i wanted to skip past that & post about something else that ive had on my mind.

meh. that's how i feel about it all. i dont really have that big of a writing bug. i have things that i want to say, but at the same time i dont really have much to report.

im still alive. im still on the hunt for a job. im still dating the bf (hey! thats a good thing!) im still... here i guess.

still feeling out of sorts a bit. attempting to find the place that i belong. i know that everyone feels like that at some point in their lives... if not more than once. i just dont like it. i know that youre probably supposed to be learning new things & attempting to somehow get your life together... but its not necessarily all that exciting.

but, like i said. im still alive, so that's gotta count for something, right?

anyway. christmas was good thing year. long. eventful. tiring. stressful. exciting. new. etc. it was nice to see family. meet new people. enjoy the not-so-cold winter.

haha, the one day that i actually needed to travel, it decided to snow. thankfully once the cities were reached, it stopped. but that did not stop us from hitting the ditch on the way home from MI. thankfully i have a quick-reacting/thinking bf who didnt freak out as we almost drove into oncoming traffic. and thankfully we didnt get stuck. he was pretty impressed that i sorta just sat there & didnt freak out. i guess we're2 somewhat level-headed people. i was impressed by the both of us.

we had a great drive back. the drive there was very tiring as we both had very little sleep the night before. but, like i said... the drive back was fun. played a lil q&a. ate food. stopped at bathrooms. ran inside as fast as we could because it was so freaking cold.

it was fun. i think he maybe even enjoyed it, too :)

anyway. that's about all of the exciting news that ive got.

i think we're going to a basketball game soon. like couple days soon. score one for this girl! im super pumped. i love a good ol' bball game :)

anyway. thats really all ive go. i hope that you all had a wonderful christmas & a merry new year.

next up for holidays? February... blah. thankfully ive got 25 days to mentally prepare.

oh. enjoy the couple of christmas pics.

peace & blessings.

L

 (my "soxy" christmas socks.

(yep. i made those.)

(we enjoy spunkiness sometimes.)