ive been wanting to blog for the past few... months, but havent. 

believe it or not, ive actually been afraid.

who's reading my blog? who is taking some of this knowledge & judging me for it? who's angry? who's feelings are hurt this time? when is this moment of vulnerability going to come back & kick me in the butt?

that's what im up against. i know that some of it is probably true & some probably isnt, but that's what ive got.

so, this is me putting my toes back into the water.

i got engaged (i'll type up that story). im married. i live in the big city, too.

i miss my best friend.

but im happy to be married. really super duperly happy that im married to someone who loves me for me.

im attempting to find myself in a new stage of life. new surroundings. new challenges. new everything.

anyway. that's about all ive got for now. it's enough to make me want to drink the rest of my mini-margarita plus 10 more.

so do not fear, readers. i'll be back. hopefully more often than before. it'll just take some time.

adieu.
Lauren

. . .

Im marrying this man in 11.5 days!!!!!

that's all :)

alright. lots of thoughts are brewing in my mind.

wedding plans. where we're going to live. my ical. work. life. all of the events that i have going on.

i am starting to panic. ok, that's a lie. i have been panicking. for awhile.

my moh finally gave me permission (because yes, i needed it) to just cry & breakdown when i needed to. to freak out when i felt like it, & to simply feel my emotions. sometimes, that is a very difficult thing for me to do especially when i think that i shouldnt be feeling the ridiculous emotions that i do.

anyway. i did a lot of thinking today while at work. a lot of thinking. processing through things that i had said the pervious night that had hurt someone's feelings. . . and just feeling sick about it & trying to figure out how those things work. how grace & kindness & forgiveness actually work.

i was listening to a playlist i had made and a random song came on, but it went within me & did something to me. it found a vulnerable place within me & i knew that i couldnt deny the work that was going on.

so. im attempting to walk through that & figure out what that means for me right now.

i dont like being uncomfortable. i also dont like constantly being the one who is seeking out people, attempting to build bridges, & having to be the one who starts that. there's something about that that prevents me from moving forward. period.

anyway. at the end of the day, i know there is grace. i know that the Lord is good. and kind.

so i wait upon the Lord. i wait for the green light or the red light or whatever else it may be.

the Lord knows me & knows me heart, and i think that counts for something.

until then, i will continue to eat dinner & watching a top chef or two.

until we meet again, my dear readers~

wow. it has been awhile since my last blog. ive typed out a few posts here & there but havent truly felt inspired.

nope, that's wrong. ive been inspired, just afraid to post.

my thoughts havent been completely straight & when that happens, i let my emotions totally overrun me.

here's to hoping this one sticks!

a lot has definitely happened since my last post!

lent ended. easter happened (one in the same). i got engaged.

ah! yep. it's true. im getting hitched! there is a date somewhat in the works, but we're keeping that under wraps until i get as many things done as i can.

and let me say. whoever says that getting engaged is fun! and great! and not stressful at all! well, theyre right about the getting engaged part, but the planning the wedding part. . . sheesh!!!

it's extremely stressful. but thankfully once it's done, it's done~!

anyway. moving on. . .

what else is new? ive been having stressful dreams. well, i should say i had stressful jeans. theyre slowly leaving my mind & im so thankful for that.

um, did i mention that im engaged?! :)

i'll definitely have to blog about how that all happened. . . it's a super crazy story & i cant wait to share it with you all! im just waiting for him to be able to type up his side of the story.

and then maybe we should blog about the true way that we met?. . . ? . . :)

anyway. i should jet. i have nothing inspirational to share. or exciting. so there's that!

enjoy your day. or night.

So. im realizing that i have a little bit of stress in my life.

how do i know that, you ask?

my dreams are keeping me up at night.

yes, you read that right. my dreams are keeping me awake. 

im at the point where i would welcome a dream about being stalked or chased or something of the sort.

instead, my dreams currently consist of people. yep, people in my every day life that have caused me major amounts of stressed. 

so instead of a peaceful sleep, im having to defend myself all through the night. and it's not like im just having to explain & just give details of what actually happened, i am screaming at them & yelling & cursing & crying just attempting to convey what i have to say. 

and im starting to find myself waking up wanting to yell. and actually crying. and wondering what in the world is going on with my mind.

im tired, and so ready to sleep at night. however, im finding that im attempting to keep myself asleep at night, so there is no chance of having these dreams. that needs to stop. this all needs to stop.

so im just trying to figure that all out. im attempting to sort through how to dream different dreams at night, or try thinking about sunshine & rainbows before i go to bed.

this is short, but definitely heavy on my mind.

and damn it, im tired. i need some sleep.

so here's to a good night's sleep.

Alright. 

so ive been wanting to blog about lent for awhile now, but have been very conflicted. i dont always have the right words to say & sometimes the things that i do say come out... well. not ok. 

kindness & grace are welcome.

so, this year i gave up alcohol. my reasons? i wanted to be able to do brave things. hard things. without having to always have liquid courage to go along with it.

so. ive been having hard conversations, going on ferris wheels, etc. as simple as they may seem, they have been extremely difficult for me.

anyway. i have a confession to make: i have broken my lenten fast of alcohol. situations come up, conversations get hard, situations become more than i can handle.

so. one night i celebrated a birthday with a woodchuck. another night i drank 3 sips to scotch to calm my nerves so that i wouldnt be sick. and the other night i had some wine to celebrate a new job for the bf. 

i know that this may seem like a copout, but ive learned a few things about myself through this. ive learned that i can be brave on my own. ive learned that when i say things, that i mean them even if i am sober! 

there have been a few times these past few weeks... days... that ive been really proud of myself. that my honesty isnt always because of the liquid courage coursing through my blood. that's huge for me!

another thing that ive learned about is grace. i know that i broke my fast, but im pretty sure there's grace for that. i know that there's grace for that.

i heard a quote once that said grace isnt being taught properly if it's not being abused. 

now im not using that an excuse, im saying it maybe to make you think.

if there are rules & regulations attached to grace, then what is it? law? rules? 

it's not grace. that's all there is to it.

So. im going to continue to rest in the grace & kindness of the Lord, and be so extremely thankful that He is the one who is filled with that. im completely & utterly human. imperfect & fully aware that my grace runs out. 

so, here's to grace. and me being honest that i will have a drink with the bf on saturday to celebrate his birthday. i wont be having a drink at his actual party, because i know that i need to work on not needing the liquid courage around big groups of people. 

but thankfully there's grace for that. 

and thankfully there's club soda & delicious simple syrups.

alright. as you may know, i gave up alcohol for lent this year. 

i wanted to see how many things i could do without the help of a little liquid encouragement. 

well, let's back this train up a little bit.

the bf's computer crashed? wasnt working? so. he asked if i was able to head up to the city & help him look for a new one. (i secretly wonder if he just wanted an excuse to see me ;)

since i had to wake up earlier this morning for work, i asked if he could meet me halfway then we would drive up together. it worked perfectly! :)

anyway. we headed up to the the mall & decided to grab some dinner, walk around a little bit, & spend a little bit of time looking at computers. 

at dinner, he had wine & i had club soda. he then met up with a friend quick, & ordered a martini. i once again had club soda. 

we went to our favorite place. with our favorite appetizer. and all i could think of was a gin martini. Mmm....

anyway. my mind is clearly on that martini...

so. one of the things that i enjoy doing at the mall, is riding on the rides. 

the only problem is that i am terrified of heights. completely paralyzing fear of heights. 

the last time we were there, i said that i wanted to try out the ferris wheel. we get to the line & i realize that there was no way that i could go on it, but that maybe after another drink i would have the courage to do it! ;)

well. one of the things that i wanted to do during lent was go on the ferris wheel. why? because i know that i would have to do it without any outside factors. 

so we had dinner, walked around a little bit, & decided to grab a couple of ride points & ride the ferris wheel. 

we stood in line for less than a minute, & somehow my legs locked up & it took everything within me to move them forward. when we finally are able to board the ride, the operator asks my name. no big deal. 

we sit down & i immediately start to cry. ugh i felt so dumb. Jason was sitting next to me, & i just couldnt control my tears any longer. 

i held tight to the middle pole, & tried not to completely sob & breakdown anymore than i already had.

so we're sitting there & im slowly calming down when i hear something. wait. the lady who asked me name... did she just say happy birthday, lauren?! what?!?! where in the world did this come from?! 

at first i thought she said "youre doing OK, lauren!" 

nope. i dont think that she had said that. i truly believe she said happy birthday!

i couldnt even believe it. i asked Jason if he had joked with her about it, but nope. it was a completely hilarious misunderstanding!

anyway. by the end of the ride, i was sitting back, looking over the edge, & wishing that it wouldnt end... 

wow.

i can do brave things. i really can. 

i throw myself into situations that i know i'll lose at. i walk thru doors into places where i know i will not succeed. i ride the ferris wheel. 

so. there you have it. i can do things. i can ride the ferris wheel without a drop of alcohol. i can be brave. 

and it felt really good. im afraid to say that i wasnt brave enough to take a picture, but maybe that's because i was too busy kissing the bf. (not a lot. no making out. just a sweet top of the ride kiss. it was nice.)

next up? karaoke. sober. aw yeah, baby!