p.s.

talk about brave.


i went on my first roller coaster yesterday. 


great.

Fallin' or Flyin'

Too. Long. 


Maybe thats what i should title this post instead...


Sorry dear blog readers. I havent had too much to say. 


However, here's a little insight into my psyche. This isnt completely how im feeling. 
but i feel like its where im at right now. sorting through right & wrong.
thinking im flying. but maybe its me falling. 


or maybe its neither. maybe im just sitting in an airplane at a standstill. 
either way... enjoy~


Fallin' & Flyin'
jeff bridges & colin farrell


I was goin’ where I shouldn’t go 
seein’ who I shouldn’t see 
doin’ what I shouldn’t do 
and bein’ who I shouldn’t be 

a little voice told me it’s all wrong 
another voice told me it’s alright 
I used to think I was strong 
but lately I just lost the fight 

funny how fallin’ feels like flyin’ 
for a little while 
funny how fallin’ feels like flyin’ 
for a little while 

I got tired of bein’ good 
started missing that old feeling free 
stop actin’ like I thought I should 
and went on back to bein’ me 

I never meant to hurt no one 
I just had to have my way 
if there is such a thing as too much fun 
this must be the price you pay 

funny how fallin’ feels like flyin’ 
for a little while 
funny how fallin’ feels like flyin’ 
for a little while 

you never see it comin’ till it’s gone 
it all happens for a reason 
even when it’s wrong 
especially when it’s wrong 

funny how fallin’ feels like flyin’ 
for a little while 
funny how fallin’ feels like flyin’ 
for a little while 

I was goin’ where I shouldn’t go 
seein’ who I shouldn’t see 
doin’ what I shouldn’t do 
and bein’ who I shouldn’t be 


Courageously still blogging,
Lauren

Body & Soul

Wow, it's been awhile since ive had a great blog post that ive felt really good about. This next one has been on my mind a lot lately, and i hope you enjoy~

Food and i have a love/hate relationship, and i wish i could say that its more love than hate.

As ive been on this journey to figuring out my life and getting it back into order (somewhat) ive realized that i have issues with food. The first thing that i used to do when i was stressed was to immediately stop eating, and move away from anything that even looks like food. The smell of food completely throws me off, and i just cannot recover from it. Its ridiculous. I have an idea as to how it started, but its just not something to share right now.

Anyway, as ive been on this journey of self-discovery i have gotten a lot better at this. Basically, i have been forcing myself to just push through when i had been feeling anxious or stressed. Another thing that i did was, if i was stressed i would skip one meal, so that i was super hungry for the next and i would have no choice but to eat. 

Ok, so im realizing now that this may seem a bit alarming to some. Its ok. im healthy. I have been doing so much better. Im eating at meals, im eating when im hungry, and im just trying to stay healthy through it all. 

Now, all of that being said... ive been wondering if it hasnt been a blessing in disguise...

When i get stressed, instead of feeding my physical body, i would quickly go and play music. In a sense, feeding my spiritual body. 

I have been thinking about that so much more lately... the moment i get stressed, i immediately need to release it somehow. That usual release is through listening to music and just feeling my feelings through the music & lyrics....

The music changes depending on my mood. I have a playlist for rage... a playlist for sorrow... a playlist for rest.... a playlist for everything...

Im thankful for my love of music. Im thankful for a family that shares that love. Im thankful for friends that share that love. Im thankful that i have the opportunity to listen to great, deep, thought-provoking music. 

Lately i have been listening to Mumford & Sons. Their music is poetry to my heart, and it feeds my soul.

Im not sure exactly why i wrote this post, but im looking at it as a sort of therapy... a place where i can share my thoughts, and just really be honest. I feel like i have something to give and i want to share with others some things that have helped me or some things that i have learned...

So... here are some lyrics to a song that i have enjoyed lately... its just beautiful and wonderful. Enjoy~

Courageously feeding my body & soul,

Lauren

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."-- Joshua 1:9


That will forever be my way of thinking as i go through life. 
Yesterday i decided to go for it. to go out and be courageously brave. 
i gave the lady my deposit, and picked out my font. 
I now have the Word of the LORD tattooed onto my body forever.
Here's some of the story behind it...


Someone once told me that Joshua was a great book of the Bible to read, so i dug in. 
The first chapter repeated over and over about being strong and courageous. 


Now, strong & courageous is not something that ive always been, and i still feel like i am no where even close to being those things as much as i would like. However, it stuck with me. i couldnt get enough of it. i quickly memorized the verse and continued on trying to live my life in that way. 


ive traveled the world. i have 4 sisters (come on. that takes strength and courage!). i do things that some people wont even think about doing. 


also. something that takes a lot of courage for me is letting people know bits and pieces of my life. some things its fine to share, but sometimes its really hard sharing the most important piece of my life, because of the fear of what other people will think.


when i first meet new people who are not professing christians, i have a really hard time telling them that i am. why? fear of judgment. the fear of what they will now think of me. the fear that they will think i am the extreme case who goes out and protests outside of abortion clinics, and who thinks all homosexuals are going to tell. the kind of christian who thinks that drinking is a sin, and that if you are a christian you just shouldnt watch certain kinds of movies. 


but im not. im not one of those extreme christians. i know what i believe, and why i believe it. its not just something that i treaded lightly into. yes, at first i just believed because thats how i was raised, but thats no way to make choices and certainly no way to live.


so. to be able to go into the tattoo place and tell them what i want imprinted onto my body forever was a courageous act in itself. i was embarrassed at first. the whole time i kept thinking of what the lady behind the desk was thinking about me. so in reality, i was judging her for thinking she was judging me. whoa! say what?! sounds completely messed up, i know.


here's the deal. now that i have it, there is no escaping my identity. there is no escaping that i call on Jesus my Lord & Savior. if you didnt know it before, you know it now. 


and im so thankful for it. im moved to tears just thinking about it. moved by the fact that i would hide that fact about me so that i could appear "cool" and not be "judged." in those instances where i thought i was or would be judged, i probably wasnt. i just didnt even want to give people the chance to judge me. 


So world. there you have it. this is what i believe. that is the main reason for getting my tattoo. that, and i want a reminder to live the way that i should. and its there forever. when i have grandchildren some day they will ask me about it. and then i cal tell of my journeys and adventures that i had in my youth. what a beautiful and sacred thought. its something that no one can take from me. and im so thankful for that.


so there you have it. the reason behind the tattoo. the reason i live my life the way i do. the reason that i am as crazy as i seem. 


i dont have any good pics of it yet. my sister in law has some on her camera. but i will share them when i do!


thank you all so much for being a part of this journey with me. i know some of you may not agree with this decision, but thats ok. im thankful that i did it. and i think that 80 years from now i still will be thankful for it. unless i start forgetting everything. then it will be a simple reminder of days gone by.


Courageously sharing my life,
Lauren

Official

It's official.
i have a tattoo.
forever.
Joshua 1:9
will blog about it and its meaning later.

Courageously going against the grain,
Lauren

Do you ever get the feeling that you were made for something more? The

feeling that maybe you arent doing enough with your life? The feeling that

however hard you try, life may still pass you by?

Ive had that feeling lately. The feeling of knowing that I was made for

something. The feeling that lurking around some corner unbeknownst to myself

is what I have truly been called to do. However, the road to that corner is

a long one. Maybe I wouldn't even call it a road as much as I would call it

a journey...

Thinking of the journey that 4 hobbits took to bring 1 simple little ring to

Mt. Doom is the type of journey that im picturing. It was never intended to

be easy, and there were many things lost and gained along the way. The 4

friends became separated, and even ended up having different journeys of

their own. They made new friends. They banded together. They took wrong

paths. They faced extraordinary road blocks. They had triumphs, but at great

cost to themselves and others. They trusted people who had good intentions,

but it was maybe at a greater cost than what they had hoped for.

However...

Their mission was accomplished. Their journey was long and brutal, but if it

werent for that journey, their lives, and many others, would have been

destroyed. 

So, that's where I am today. My journey has been long and hard. My journey

has had losses and gains. I have had people by my side since the beginning,

and I have learned that this is too hard of a journey for others... And

that's ok. Each person in my life has, in some part, brought me to where I

am today. Brought me to a place where I know that if I keep going, I will

find that corner with the locked door. The door that ive always known has

been there, but ive just had to find my way there.

Yes, Frodo carried the ring, but without the help of his 3 hobbit friends

(and the countless others involved that he didn't even know) he would have

never made it there. In the end, Frodo was the one left with the decision to

throw the ring into the fire, and let it be destroyed forever, and bring

forth a new life for all of middle earth. It was not an easy decision for

him to make, and some may argue that it wasn't even made for him, but it

happened. And his life was forever changed.

That is what I am now hoping and moving towards... A life that is forever

changed...

Courageously journeying ahead,

Lauren

Why I do what i do...

If youre reading this blog, Im just going to assume that you know what i do. What ive done for as long as i can remember. 

I work with kids. Its what ive always done, & always known. I remember changing my first diaper (Thanks Keena!) when i was about 6 years old. We lived in Waldorf and i remember not really being tall enough for the changing table so i stood on my tiptoes. It would only seem natural that 17 years later i would still be working with kids. 

Lately ive been really struggling with it. I am nannying right now (part time) but its slowly starting to take its toll on me. I feel my patience thinning, and the number of children that i want is down to none right now. People are always telling me that my own kids will be different, and im really hoping so. Not that the kids that ive watched in the years havent been great, but sometimes it can be difficult. 

I have nannyed in Ireland, & Alaska, and know that if hadnt had this gift, those opportunities would have never happened. Im grateful for that. 

There are definite times where after i have worked in the morning, that im not necessarily looking forward to watching any more children for the rest of the afternoon. Let me share a story with you...

Yesterday i was tired, and worn out but not necessarily wanting to do anything. My sister in law called wondering if i would be able to watch my little nephew while her and my brother ran to get some things done. I wasnt set on the idea of it as i was tired and had been fighting a headache all day. Reluctantly i agreed. (Now, i need to say this: i love my sister in law. i love my brother. i love my nephew. there was no guilt involved. i did it because i love them.)

We just hung out. He napped. He pooped (all over me might i add). He ate. He didnt really even cry. It was a wonderful day.

When his parents got back he was bathed and in bed sleeping away. 

This is where i get to the point:

You could see a look of relief on my sister in law's face. You could see how thankful she was that i was willing to watch her son. She knew that he was taken care of. She knew that he was safe. We both had a wonderful time.

That is why i do what i do. That is why i watch kids. Some are annoying and obnoxious, some are sweet and kind. Some i will never watch again (there's only 1). I take what God has given me, and put it to good use. I have never even thought about charging a certain price when i watched kids, because i wanted to bless people. I didnt want people to feel like they shouldnt call because they might not have been able to afford it.

When i was in ireland i watched a couple of kiddos, and it was great. I knew the family wouldnt be able to pay me, and i was OK with that. Their kids were sweet and kind, and i was more than willing to do it to give them a night out. After the kids went to bed i turned on the TV and washed up the dishes, & cleaned the kitchen. (Thats what i do. I always try to leave the house in better condition than when i got there.) The parents got back later, and were shocked. Apparently in Ireland lots of babysitters charge OUTRAGEOUS prices for just a warm body to be in the house. They had never had anyone clean up while they were out. It makes me tear up just thinking about it...

Now, im not saying that hey look how awesome i am, but rather im giving you some sort of insight into why i work with kids, and why i love them so much. Its not so much that im blessing the parents, but that the children are blessing me. Their innocence is something that i wish i had, so i just try gather up as much of that as i can while im around them. 

Just now my friend's little boy ran into my room and snuggled up with me on my bed. He's now telling me about how when he's 7 he's going to be bigger and stronger than me... i can deal with that as long as he still has sleepovers with me when he's 7. He said that he will....

Ah. There you have it. That's why i love kids and what i do what i do. Now, i just need to remember all of that when i go to work today...

Courageously working with kids,

Lauren