Smile

Sometimes all you need to do is smile~












courageously smiling at every single customer,
lauren

Musings

Ive had a post like this before where ive just sat at b&n & people watched, and im feeling compelled to do it again, so lets take this for a spin!


There is a woman in her 50s (?) and she is completely rocking the cutest outfit. i love it. im really jealous. she's just this little thing who is rocking skinny jeans with a pointy-toe flat & a cute purple top. i love it. im feeling inspired.


and then i see frumpy MN all over the place. its a bit sad. at the same time, i feel like lumping myself in with them. im not frumpy today, but i am rocking the tennis shoes, with ill-fitting jeans (forgot a belt today. drat.) and a ponytail. so its not bad, its just not as awesome as i wouldve felt like rocking today. no big deal!


im drinking a pepsi. its kinda good. 


a friend of mine has a website. where he posts original music. and music that he has mixed. im listening to some of the songs on it. im pretty impressed. so here's to you~!


winter is fast approaching. with that comes clingy dresses & bloody noses. ugh. im annoyed already. give me heat or give me death!


the grumpy-goos & i danced and jammed this morning. GLEE did a mash-up of livin' on a prayer last night. oh man. i loved it! so we danced to that. amazing.


a girl just walked in wearing the best outfit i have seen in awhile. leggings. flat boots. dress. sunglasses. awesome.


i did not dream last night. i went to bed far too late, and was up far too early. but it was good~


the clouds just covered up the sun. i was basking in the glorious warmth of it, and now im needing to pull on my sweatshirt. frig. 


i switched up the music. its still pretty great.


oh! the Timberwolves ALMOST beat the Lakers last night! They only lost by FIVE POINTS! oh man. it was like christmas. 


im making tentative plans to sing karaoke with my sister in law. brave and courageous, right?!


i love kids. i cant help it. it was hard-wired into my system. the other night at work (retail. non-nanny) i sat on the floor with a 3 year old for 15 minutes. and chatted while her dad shopped for tools. my boss saw me. she said nothing. i was so thankful that i did not get into trouble. 


speaking of. i got 100% on 2 customer surveys. score! i was so excited!


alright. speaking of work. i need to go get my schedule for this next week. here's to hoping it doesnt completely kill me. i dont think it will. but you never know...


thanks for listening to my randomness today. 


courageously stating that my readers are brave for continuing to read this ridiculousness,
lauren

Hm...

Ive had lots of thoughts stirring these last few days, but somehow i either forget them or another circumstance causes my mind to shift. I just take those moments for what they are and decide that i wasnt supposed to write about that to begin with.


not too much is going on. work. work. trying to be normal. work. work a little more. 


i did start a new book, and its going pretty well so far. 


ive been reflecting on this past year a lot lately. and when i say year i mean this time last year.


i had just been offered a new position at the best job ever. really. i still swear its the best job ive ever had. the kids were great. a little much at times, but i think of them all the time. my first day i went with my boss and picked up some kids from the juvenile detention center. that was an experience to say the least. i was scared, and nervous, and wasnt sure what i had gotten myself into. i didnt know too much about anything really, so who did i think i was that i was going to go speak into the lives of teens who's life at such a young age was already harder than anything i had ever experienced.


thankfully they were all so welcoming and wonderful. it was great. and like i said... i think of them often~


what else has been on my mind lately? well, ive been having a lot of strange dreams lately. the first two that really started it had the same sort of tone to them, and its been upsetting my psyche to say the least. ive thought about looking up what it means to have certain elements to a dream, but i havent really had the courage yet. 


ok. so after i typed that i didnt have the courage yet, i decided i just needed to go for it. now im not into the whole crazy realm of dream analyzing and i understand that some people might get their feathers a bit ruffled over it. However, i did look it up and it makes sense. i had been dreaming about being stabbed and selling knives, and trying to take a knife from someone to save others, and in the process being stabbed.


Well, this is what it has to say: KEY WORDS : Highly Involved, interested, really understanding, arguments


that makes sense. i have been highly sensitive to my surroundings as of late, and have a lot of highly involved relational moments. So maybe thats what it is. OR maybe im just having dreams about knives. Either way its nice to maybe catch a glimpse of something, if anything. 


Ive had some other crazy dreams too, but im not feeling ok enough with them to share. 


Anything else? Well, im realizing that im really bored with what im listening to right now. i decided to take all of the music ive purchased off of itunes and make it into a playlist and see what happens. so far so good. a lot of christmas music has been popping up, but im just skipping over that for now. anyway, its been good. some of it has been better than others, but its been helping me remember moments in my life. I can almost remember everywhere i was or what season in life i was in when i purchased certain records. its great. 


well, i should think about concluding this. its just a really random blog post, but at the same time its been good for me. good for me to just get my thoughts out there. 


im sitting at barnes & noble in between jobs, and my head is completely spinning. i just needed to turn on my music, and let out my thoughts. 


Hm. interesting. let out my thoughts. not anyone else's. 


i think thats where im stuck right now. im thinking of everyone else around me and what they may think about this situation or that. thinking about how so & so will respond to this decision, and what whats his name will think about this or that. i understand that it sounds completely confusing, and may seem a little crazy, but thats my life. thats me. i listen to everyone's thoughts, attempt to make them my own, get frustrated, and thats how i have ended up here~


Thankfully it doesnt end here. thankfully im moving away from that. thankfully i have a plan, and just realized how thankful i am for my random work schedule today. that gives me time open and free tonight. not only to do laundry that just needs to be done, but to also try something else. to try something that i have wanted to do for awhile now but havent been sure how it would work out. time to see how it might play out. im kind of excited. maybe excited isnt the right word. i am a bit anxious and nervous. im afraid of how it will turn out. but there's hope there too. hope that maybe it can work out somewhat. hope that maybe its a step in the right direction.


once again, i know that this may seem extremely confusing, and im wishing i could share it with you, but this is one of those times where a public blog betrays me. ah well.


well i should think about packing up and changing into my work gear. im hoping for a good, quick shift. maybe i should just ask for one or the other, but im thankful to know that i can at least ask for both. So...


courageously asking for both,
lauren

Compassion

Oh Compassion...: 


sympathetic pity and concern for the sufferings or misfortunes of others 

Sometimes i just want to be a petty girl and not like someone. Sometimes i just dont want insight so i can just go on being angry at someone. ugh.

So there is this girl who i do not get along with. She has not liked me since day one, and to be honest i have not been her biggest fan. We have had our share of words, and have just decided to not really acknowledge each other. it was fine. i feel bad at times because i do want to get to know her and understand her but its just not worth it.

Ok. enter in people who know her. and who are my friends. and who tell me things that make me feel COMPASSION for her. They let me in on little bits of her life that make my heart ache for her. That make me want to email her or talk to her and just apologize. and try and start over again and attempt to be friends. 

i will admit that i am a difficult personality to get along with. Someone compared me to dark chocolate with cayenne: i am deep, flavorful, and an acquired taste. then in comes the cayenne and its a bit spicy at times, but it works with everything together. 

so i get it. i can understand it. i like to think that i am somewhat self-aware.

So once again... what is the moral of this story? 

i have an understanding of someone. i understand now maybe why we dont get along so much. i also understand that she may be going through a difficult time. 

i understand that i have done that many times, and i am thankful for my eyes having been opened and am now able to understand and have compassion towards her.

im not saying i have it all figured out, but my foot is in the door. im getting somewhere.

courageously being dark chocolate (yes. i typed that for you. i know you are reading my blog. and its ok! :) you know who you are~),

lauren

Picture Perfect

Ok. So i was going to blog when i got home tonight about something completely different. I was completely frustrated at work tonight, and ready to come home and rant about it. 


Then i got into my car. I turned my ipod onto shuffle and rocked. i jammed. i kicked it old school. Then came a song that i loved when i was younger, but am appreciating & understanding now as an adult.


Its cheesy and corny, but the words speak to me. 


Click HERE for a great music video~



Pull all your hair up
Dab on the make-up
Trying hard to look so pristine
Like a face in a magazine
Those fancy dressers and
Media pressure
Have got you feeling so plain and small
If you don’t look like a paper doll
In a world where the goal is
To be like the joneses
It’s guaranteed to drive you wild
Keeping up with the latest style
Gaze in the mirror
You want the glamour
And the grace of a movie star
But I like you the way you are
You are the only one I’m dreaming of
’cause baby don’t you know that I love


CHORUS:
You, girl
You don’t have to be picture perfect
To be in my world
Girl
You don’t have to be picture perfect
To fit the frame
You’re tender, you’re tactful
Girl, you’re a natural
You possess a heart that’s true
That’s what I like about you
One in a million
Yea, that’s a given
There’s a beauty inside of you
And it show on the outside too
No competition, you’re way in the lead
And baby, don’t you know that I need...

Wow. like i said, lame and cheesy but what i needed...

Since ive been trying really hard to let go of all my legalistic tendencies its as if i have made up my own law. A law that says that i have to long amazing all of the time. I law that says if i wear jeans and a sweatshirt with a ponytail, that i wont be welcomed or i wont be liked for who i really am.

But its not true. I know its not true. Im great the way that i am. im finally liking me again. im finally feeling free and OK. Even a little more than ok. i love it~

So, not really sure what the point is, but maybe im just spreading a bit of inner beauty into the world~

Courageously feeling good, maybe even great!,

lauren

ugh

Ok. so im all about being brave and trying new things and have attempted to put myself out there lately.


there are certain situations that i try to avoid at all costs. i will protect myself from them as much as i can, because i know what is going to happen. now i dont necessarily know what is going to happen, but  projecting it either. 


that being said. i put myself out there. i put myself in a situation where i knew that maybe i wasnt going to excel or be great at, or even come out OK in the end. and here i sit blogging about how i feel as if i took 2 steps forward, and 5 steps back.


i reverted back to my old ways. i let myself be triggered. i did have a reason to remove myself from it, but at the same time i used that reason. ugh. i just feel kind of sick about it.


i had just been telling an old friend that i feel like im doing really well... and then a half hour later i felt as if i was where i started from all over again. i listened to old music, and felt old feelings.


i dont enjoy them. i feel like a failure. i know that is not truth, but thats how im feeling. maybe ill feel after a little sleep. or on my case, a little margarita... ;)


no but really. im hoping for a little clarity. im hoping that i really didnt take that many steps back, and that i just need to reevaluate. or look at things and see if there's something different. or something that i can learn from this. i dont know... but here's to hoping. and believing in God's grace. i do hope and i am a firm believer in grace.


courageously putting those two in action,
lauren

sympathizing

Now, as im writing this post im wanting to convey at the very beginning that i mean no judgment on anyone, and its more of something that i observed. 


Last night i went downtown with a few friends from work. i didnt have anything going on, and thought it would be fun to hang out for a little bit. Little did i know that my mind would wander as much as it did...


i hadnt dressed or brought any clothes to go out afterwards, and wasnt planning on wearing my work clothes. so i set out for a quick target run and grabbed a cute top and jeans (skinny jeans no less!) So i pulled on my boots and set out.


We get downtown and im trying to be cool and fit right in. my buddies had promised to take turns looking after me so it was evened out 50/50. What kind guys! We stopped somewhere, and grabbed a booth. then it started. my people watching went into overdrive. but not just looking around at everyone, but more specifically the girls downtown. i was so intrigued by what in the world they are thinking. No really. what are those girls thinking? why do they wear what they wear? their breasts are hanging out and their hair is teased and they are asking for something. but why? do these girls not think that they can get any better? do these girls not KNOW that they can find better? 


Now im not saying that all girls are like that, and all guys are looking for girls like that. what i am saying is "generally speaking." I hung out with some great people last night, and not everyone is like that~


Anyway, it just got me to thinking. maybe not so much as thinking, but sympathizing for them. Feeling so sorry that life or whatever else has made them think that in order to find a great man, they have to get all dressed up, and look fake in order to attract that attention. I know ive done it, and i understand. Sometimes that attention is all you need to make your day just a bit brighter. But there is a downside. they only want you for that one thing. they only want to "check you out" or they think that you have something to give them. And then it goes into a tailspin of awful emotions, and you just feeling worse for not being as "beautiful" as the others. 


What am i trying to say here? Im not quite sure. I feel like my thoughts are all jumbled up, but i feel like im still getting my message across...


I feel like this is my way of telling those girls that they dont have to do that. They dont have to dress that way to get a guy to notice them. i know thats so easy to say, yet so hard to do. i completely understand that. sometimes its just easier to throw on some sexy jeans, a pair of boots, and rock it. but in the end you just feel worse. what if youre rejected? what if you arent beautiful enough for them? Then you just feel worse about yourself, and have to keep trying and trying, and potentially failing and failing...


Now please understand me. I dont claim to know everything, and i do not claim to have it all figured out because believe me i do not. But im so thankful that im working on it. Im thankful that ive discovered who i am again, and am still discovering those missing pieces...


Also, im not saying that its not fun to dress up and that people who dress up are all girls like that because i know they arent. I enjoy dressing up just for fun sometimes. I wear dresses to work, and rock my boots. i love it. sometimes it just makes me feel good about myself. I get that.


i hope that this post maybe gives some hope and sheds some light or... i dont know.... it only takes 1 person to change things right? so maybe im not changing anything but maybe im making people think...


courageously taking one step at a time,
lauren