ok. today has been a hot day. im tired. ready for the weekend. just... wanting to hop in my car & drive for a good few hours. thats really what i want to do. thats been my week.
SO. the last thing that i really want to do is have something come up, hit me in the face & then be "forced" to blog about it. so there you have it. i dont want to be doing this, but i guess it is what it is.
"...there are, at the very least, a quarter of a million distinct English words..." (-oxforddictionaries.com)
love.
think of all the emotions that come up when you hear that word. some of you are smiling. some crying. angry. fuming. raging. mourning. etc. the list really goes on.
shit.
most of you are offended. some laughing. some wondering what is wrong with me. how far off the deep end have i gone. etc.
its interesting to see all of the emotions that come up when you say 1 word. when 4 different letters are put together to form something new. it could be offensive. it could be loving. kind... any number of things.
i had a brief conversation with a friend tonight... and when i say brief i mean brief because i just couldnt continue on with it.
i was asked if i wanted to hang around & let some stress out by killing some orcs on xbox. i laughed & declined. i then made, what i kind of half-heartedly meant as a joke, a quick remark about how thank you, but ill just go & do that through my words...
i was then called back into the room & just kind of asked about it.
something happened in me. i realized that maybe i meant what i had said.
im try to be so careful with my words. i would much rather email someone then talk to them face to face. why? i can gather my thoughts & present them with what i truly feel & mean after the emotions are gone from my face...
but its interesting. i have felt like that this past week. that every word from my mouth is somehow cutting into someone else. that im maybe slowly killing someone whether i tell them that im not sure what to do, or if im telling them that i love them...
its not in my heart to do that. its not in my heart to hurt anyone especially with my words.
so what now? i try to be kind. to myself. to others.
and i guess thats what ive got. im kind of over not having the right words... or saying the wrong things... or... anything along those lines.
so im sorry. if any of you have been on the receiving end of that... im sorry. i dont mean to. its not in my heart to be that way.
if i love... i love.
if i say shit... i mean it.
courageously attempting to say the right words,
lauren
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
honesty.
so, i think its safe to say that we would all agree that honesty is the best policy. or, at least we've been brought up to believe that.
a few weeks ago a blueberry was found on the floor. my friend's little boy said that he didnt do it. She easily sweeped it up, & we moved on. Until we found out that he did in fact drop the blueberry on the floor. she then proceeded to tell him that now this would be a different conversation because he was not honest to begin with.
Hmm. isnt that how life works?
So you might be asking why im telling you that story & why im talking about this topic.
well, i like to think that im painfully honest here. there are few places where i think that its oK for me to go out & be honest. so im using this as a place to be honest about my recent run in with the Lord.
i was in my car, & just really sick of crap. i couldnt be cool. i couldnt be anything but honest. all virtue was gone, & i almost dared someone to get in my way. i was so angry & frustrated & throwing fits like i had watched go on throughout the day.
i cursed. i raged. i yelled. i cried. i screamed. all at the Lord.
Yes, i realize that some of you may be cringing in your seats right now. but if God is the God that we say He is... dont you think that He can handle a small being like me yelling at him for a couple minutes?
anyway. thats exactly what i did. i pitched a fit. i was so mad that the Lord hadnt honored what i had asked for. i asked when my turn in this life was going to begin. i begged Him for answers. i begged & i pleaded. i cursed. i cursed loud & clear for all of creation to hear.
"am i just a pawn in this game of life? does it matter what i want or what i feel?" those were the questions coming from my mouth faster than i could speak them.
i was sick of feeling this way. sick of feeling like the worst person alive. sick of... you name it. i just let it all out. i had to. i didnt know what else to do. im not one who can keep many things bottled up in me for too long. Yes, they may be bottled for a bit, but once it comes out i have to be able to control it OR. . . well you get the picture.
so where am i going with all of this? im not sure. im just wanting to be honest. honest with myself. honest with you. honest with the Lord. its not like He didnt know all of this already. so why not just put it all out there. . . maybe someone else can gain something from my childish ways~
- - - - - - - - - - - - - -
i woke up early the other morning & couldnt fall back to sleep. i decided to pick up my bible, but it just didnt feel right. instead i grabbed a book of poetry that sits on my nightstand. There was one that stood out to me & ive been thinking about it ever since. i hope that maybe it blesses one of you~
a few weeks ago a blueberry was found on the floor. my friend's little boy said that he didnt do it. She easily sweeped it up, & we moved on. Until we found out that he did in fact drop the blueberry on the floor. she then proceeded to tell him that now this would be a different conversation because he was not honest to begin with.
Hmm. isnt that how life works?
So you might be asking why im telling you that story & why im talking about this topic.
well, i like to think that im painfully honest here. there are few places where i think that its oK for me to go out & be honest. so im using this as a place to be honest about my recent run in with the Lord.
i was in my car, & just really sick of crap. i couldnt be cool. i couldnt be anything but honest. all virtue was gone, & i almost dared someone to get in my way. i was so angry & frustrated & throwing fits like i had watched go on throughout the day.
i cursed. i raged. i yelled. i cried. i screamed. all at the Lord.
Yes, i realize that some of you may be cringing in your seats right now. but if God is the God that we say He is... dont you think that He can handle a small being like me yelling at him for a couple minutes?
anyway. thats exactly what i did. i pitched a fit. i was so mad that the Lord hadnt honored what i had asked for. i asked when my turn in this life was going to begin. i begged Him for answers. i begged & i pleaded. i cursed. i cursed loud & clear for all of creation to hear.
"am i just a pawn in this game of life? does it matter what i want or what i feel?" those were the questions coming from my mouth faster than i could speak them.
i was sick of feeling this way. sick of feeling like the worst person alive. sick of... you name it. i just let it all out. i had to. i didnt know what else to do. im not one who can keep many things bottled up in me for too long. Yes, they may be bottled for a bit, but once it comes out i have to be able to control it OR. . . well you get the picture.
so where am i going with all of this? im not sure. im just wanting to be honest. honest with myself. honest with you. honest with the Lord. its not like He didnt know all of this already. so why not just put it all out there. . . maybe someone else can gain something from my childish ways~
- - - - - - - - - - - - - -
i woke up early the other morning & couldnt fall back to sleep. i decided to pick up my bible, but it just didnt feel right. instead i grabbed a book of poetry that sits on my nightstand. There was one that stood out to me & ive been thinking about it ever since. i hope that maybe it blesses one of you~
Six Recognitions of the Lord
number 2.
~m. oliver
Lord God, mercy is in your hands, pour
me a little. And tenderness too. My
need is great. Beauty walks so freely
and with such gentleness. Impatience puts
a halter on my face and I run away over
the green fields wanting your voice, your
tenderness, but having to do with only
the sweet grasses of the fields against
my body. When I first found you I was
filled with light, now the darkness grows
and it is filled with crooked things, bitter
and weak, each one bearing my name.
courageously just being angry,
lauren
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
damn it.
those were the first words that popped into my head when this post decided to work its way into the universe.
im tired. i need to go to sleep. im feeling a bit stressed. and to be honest, i dont feel like being completely honest & fully putting myself out there. but. that goes against everything that this blog stands for. so crap. i guess im in a tight spot. so here goes nothing.
so. maybe im a bit stressed. maybe there are some things in my life that are causing me to... well be stressed. to maybe not eat a balanced meal. to maybe lie awake at night for hours after i have been dreaming awful, stressed dreams that border on anxiety attack material. maybe there's a lot of change going on. maybe i dont have a few of the tools that i need. maybe... maybe... maybe...
but here's the deal. along with all of this stress, comes this other thing... its kind of like guilt, but maybe not quite. but i dont have a better word for it yet.
its this thing called *insert word here*. its the feeling that you maybe just dont matter. not even that as much, but the feeling that "why in the hell am i complaining about this?! my life is so easy!" the feeling that you have when youre watching the Feed the Children commercials and you decide to never complain about anything again (and then 5 seconds later youre whining because theyre out of your flavored syrup at starbucks). the feeling that somewhere, someone has it harder than you, and how dare you complain about your wimpy little problems.
ive been feeling that a lot lately. in the grand scheme of things (yeah. thats my new favorite thing to say), my life is easy. people love me. they care for me. i have a GREAT new job (really!). im not beaten. im not starved. i sleep in a warm (or cool) bed every night. my life is fine.
but it gets tricky. because my life isnt fine. i have stress just like everyone else. i have issues JUST like everyone else. maybe theyre not a 9 on a 1-10 scale, but theyre mine.
theyre kinda like people's goals or dreams. they may not be big. but theyre your's. theyre the thing that, at the end of the day... no matter how good or bad... you can claim for yourself.
and i am feeling the weight of mine. some are rearing their ugly heads moreso than others. some are on the surface, while others are sitting in the cupboard for another day. either way, theyre mine. and its what im feeling right now.
there are often times where i wonder who reads my blog & why. and then i have moments, like right now, where i feel like people are reading my blog to know that theyre not alone. to maybe be able to see that someone else feels what theyre feeling. to know that someone is going through the same thing that theyre going through, & is just trying to be honest about it.
i think that we often times are taught that yes, someone will always have it harder than us, so we need to just be thankful. and i completely understand that. if we were to just sit & stew in our own self-pity, our lives would be awful. and i think that everything in moderation is a good thing to remember. i think that its ok to feel your feelings & to acknowledge them in a healthy way. however, if i were to be happy ALL of the time, i dont think that i would be able to grow in that. and if i were to be unhappy all of the time, i would really have no reason to continue in with the life that im living.
so there you have it. that's how im feeling. im feeling that i somehow need my feelings to matter. to not be judged based on anyone else's. to just be able to sit back and let them do their work in me & then get the hell over it.
courageously feeling a bit childish over this,
lauren
im tired. i need to go to sleep. im feeling a bit stressed. and to be honest, i dont feel like being completely honest & fully putting myself out there. but. that goes against everything that this blog stands for. so crap. i guess im in a tight spot. so here goes nothing.
so. maybe im a bit stressed. maybe there are some things in my life that are causing me to... well be stressed. to maybe not eat a balanced meal. to maybe lie awake at night for hours after i have been dreaming awful, stressed dreams that border on anxiety attack material. maybe there's a lot of change going on. maybe i dont have a few of the tools that i need. maybe... maybe... maybe...
but here's the deal. along with all of this stress, comes this other thing... its kind of like guilt, but maybe not quite. but i dont have a better word for it yet.
its this thing called *insert word here*. its the feeling that you maybe just dont matter. not even that as much, but the feeling that "why in the hell am i complaining about this?! my life is so easy!" the feeling that you have when youre watching the Feed the Children commercials and you decide to never complain about anything again (and then 5 seconds later youre whining because theyre out of your flavored syrup at starbucks). the feeling that somewhere, someone has it harder than you, and how dare you complain about your wimpy little problems.
ive been feeling that a lot lately. in the grand scheme of things (yeah. thats my new favorite thing to say), my life is easy. people love me. they care for me. i have a GREAT new job (really!). im not beaten. im not starved. i sleep in a warm (or cool) bed every night. my life is fine.
but it gets tricky. because my life isnt fine. i have stress just like everyone else. i have issues JUST like everyone else. maybe theyre not a 9 on a 1-10 scale, but theyre mine.
theyre kinda like people's goals or dreams. they may not be big. but theyre your's. theyre the thing that, at the end of the day... no matter how good or bad... you can claim for yourself.
and i am feeling the weight of mine. some are rearing their ugly heads moreso than others. some are on the surface, while others are sitting in the cupboard for another day. either way, theyre mine. and its what im feeling right now.
there are often times where i wonder who reads my blog & why. and then i have moments, like right now, where i feel like people are reading my blog to know that theyre not alone. to maybe be able to see that someone else feels what theyre feeling. to know that someone is going through the same thing that theyre going through, & is just trying to be honest about it.
i think that we often times are taught that yes, someone will always have it harder than us, so we need to just be thankful. and i completely understand that. if we were to just sit & stew in our own self-pity, our lives would be awful. and i think that everything in moderation is a good thing to remember. i think that its ok to feel your feelings & to acknowledge them in a healthy way. however, if i were to be happy ALL of the time, i dont think that i would be able to grow in that. and if i were to be unhappy all of the time, i would really have no reason to continue in with the life that im living.
so there you have it. that's how im feeling. im feeling that i somehow need my feelings to matter. to not be judged based on anyone else's. to just be able to sit back and let them do their work in me & then get the hell over it.
courageously feeling a bit childish over this,
lauren
Saturday, May 28, 2011
love wins?
maybe you are familiar with it, and maybe you arent, but i have finally finished the book "Love Wins" by rob bell.
the only reason that i bought it & read it when it was first released was because of all the controversy surrounding it. if there is one thing that christians can do it is start up a firestorm & make more people see the movie, or read the book, just because there may be a hint of controversy surrounding it. so thank you everyone for freaking out about this book.
its taken me awhile to read. i usually breeze through books like the world's ending, but this one made my brain explode every time i sat down to read it. the questions that rob bell was asking were SO intense & thought-provoking that i just needed to have some time to process it all. they werent bad by any means, but they definitely sent me spinning in them for a bit. which was definitely a good thing.
before i really start writing about the book i just want to say first & foremost that i do not claim to know everything by ANY means. because i know that i dont. im not a schooled theologian. i dont have a masters in biblical studies. i just know what i feel the Lord has put on & into my heart. i may be wrong. what i type might not completely go alongside with what you believe. and i think that that is ok. and like i said... im probably wrong. but i know that if i am that the Lord will convict me & guide me to maybe what is right. or we may never know...
that all being said.
i loved this book. i loved it. i feel like i am the type of person that this book is meant for. its meant for someone who just need to hear about the love of Christ. That there is more to Him than anger & judgment & wrath & ...
i underlined this book like it was going out of style. while nannying i repeatedly had to tell the girls that only mommys & daddys & laurens write in books. that they do not!
ill probably just write out a few of the lines that meant something to me. They came along the more i read.
and can i just say this? im not seeing the controversy in the book. there are moments where i felt like maybe something was too far-fetched, but that doesnt mean that it isnt possible. God can do anything, right? Oh, and never once did i feel that Rob Bell was preaching universalism. really. my theory? read the book with an open mind before you go on judging it... im just saying...
moving on.
this book spoke about love. love. in a way that i have only ever heard once before. "...love, by its very nature, is freedom. For there to be love, there has to be the option, both now and then, to not love."
I dont want a friend to love me because they have to. i dont want to be in a relationship where someone loves me because of something other than who i am. and i think that that goes the same for the Lord. He loves us just because that's who He is. And i think that its this beautiful thing that we choose to love Him. Why would He make us love Him? That just doesnt make sense to me.
"Could God say to someone truly humbled, broken, & desperate for reconciliation, "Sorry, too late"? Many have refused to accept the scenario in which somebody is pounding on the door, apologizing, repenting, and asking God to be let in, only to hear God say through the keyhole: "Door's locked. Sorry. If you had been here earlier, I could have done something. But now, it's too late."
--Ok. this may be where it gets a bit tricky. i know that some of you are reading this & thinking that im some crazed hippie. Here's the deal... this is also where it gets complicated for me. If God loves everyone, and i believe that He does, then would He be able to do that? I mean God is God, & He can do everything... but would He? If He wants all of us to be with Him & rejoice in & with Him, then wouldnt it make sense that He would open the door?
Yes, i understand that that may not be a "theologically correct" statement, BUT its definitely a question im asking myself & one that im wrestling with. For me, i dont feel like it is a "quitting the faith" type of statement, but i think that its one to think about & search out. It makes complete sense to me, but then again the Lord that i know in my life right now is Love.
continuing...
this next one really stuck with me:
"... the cross and resurrection are personal. This cosmic event has everything to do with how every single one of us lives every single day. It is a pattern, a rhythm, a practice, a reality rooted in the elemental realities of creation, extending to the very vitality of our soul."
That's completely true. they are both very personal things. yes there are some foundational truths that christians as a whole believe, but i think that at the end of the day, everyone's journey... everyone's experience with the Lord is different.
"People come to Jesus in all sorts of ways." yep. enough said.
"When your God is love, and you have experienced this love in flesh & blood, here & now, then you are free from guilt and fear and the terrifying, haunting, ominous voice that whispers over your shoulder, "Youre not doing enough." The voice insists that God is, in the end, a slave driver."
That is how i have experienced what i thought to be the Lord. I was filled with guilt & shame & fear that what i was doing was not enough. That there was no way that i could get into heaven cursing like that... or listening to music like that... or thinking like that... or any number of things. But that is not the God that i know now. The God that i experience now is one of love... and grace. Yes, i will mess up. Yes, i will make the wrong choice where i shouldve maybe made the right one. But isnt there grace for that? Isnt there the freedom to make those decisions? Ive had a few really tough conversations about that a few months ago, and i think of them often. Maybe im wrong? Maybe what im really seraching into right now is just too lovey dovey for some. But for me, i need that.
a summer ago i just started making some really bad decisions, and had a dear friend walk through it with me. it was a season where i knew that what i was doing was wrong, but walked through it anyway. my friend wrote me a note (that i stumbled upon the other day) and said that she felt like i was walking into a trap, but that i knew i was walking into a trap. and she was completely right. i had made definite decisions the day before & was ready for what was thrown my way. Now, if she had come to me & shamed me & guilted me into doing the right thing, honestly? i wouldve done the complete opposite. i wouldve gone out & dont stupid things & had to pay the price for the end. However, she came to me with love... and grace... and i could see it in her & i could sense it in her words. i dont know if ive ever really said it, but im so thankful for it. I knew that in the end that she would love me no matter what i decided to do. Does that make me an awful person for using that? I dont think that i used it... i just did really what i had to do. there were some things that i needed to experience & go through, and i am so thankful to say that truly... TRULY... the Lord saved me. I felt the hand of the Lord through the entire thing. LOVINGLY guiding me... and saving me in moments where i couldnt save myself. All of that to say... in my life right at this moment, the last thing that i need in my life is more guilt. i dont think that that is from the Lord. At least that is not the Lord that i know & experience right now...
One thing that i really enjoyed about this book is how Rob Bell approached the delivering of the "Good News".
"So when the gospel is diminished to a question of whether or not a person will 'get into heaven,' that reduces the good news to a ticket, a way to get past the bouncer and into the club. The good news is better than that. ...Life has never been about just 'getting in.' Its about thriving in God's good world. It's stillness, peace, and that feel of your soul being at rest, while at the same time its about asking things, learning things, creating things, and sharing it all with others who are finding the same kind of joy in the same good world."
Ive often wondered about that... the "scare tactics" that are used in " winning people for the Lord." Are their hearts truly changed or are they just afraid of the very thing that will save them? I dont want to rely on that. I dont want to love & get to know that Lord. I know that the Lord has anger & wrath & all of those other attributes, but i wonder about what He would think about that? Would you want someone to love you because youre afraid that they will condemn you to hell forever if you dont? I know i dont want that for myself, so why would i explain it that way to others? i wouldnt... i know that that part is real, but so are both sides. You also have to explain the loving Lord. I know that goes both ways...
So what did i learn from this book? i learned that the Lord loves. Having known the Lord that condemns if you dont read your bible & pray every day (which i think that that is just a view of the Lord that people use to scare into line) i need to know another side of Him. I need to know that He loves me & will continue to love me & offer grace not IF i mess up, but WHEN i mess up. because i do. and i will continue to do so.
So my final thoughts? i really enjoyed it for what it was. i felt that the controversy surrounding it was completely unnecessary, but i think that it can be used for good. Heck, i went out and bought the book because of it. and the book and the controversy surrounding it has been all over the news & in magazine articles. i feel like now is the time for Christians as a whole to show the love of the Lord & not look down or condemn others because they may believe differently. I dont think that he was saying that we dont need to go out & continue sharing the love that the Lord offers. I didnt get that at all.
So that's what i hope to go out & keep doing... or at least try to do. love. love the best that i can. love those who dont get that sort of love from the church. love those who maybe dont love me back. and let them know that the Lord loves them so much more... because of who they are...
courageously saying that yes, love does win,
lauren
the only reason that i bought it & read it when it was first released was because of all the controversy surrounding it. if there is one thing that christians can do it is start up a firestorm & make more people see the movie, or read the book, just because there may be a hint of controversy surrounding it. so thank you everyone for freaking out about this book.
its taken me awhile to read. i usually breeze through books like the world's ending, but this one made my brain explode every time i sat down to read it. the questions that rob bell was asking were SO intense & thought-provoking that i just needed to have some time to process it all. they werent bad by any means, but they definitely sent me spinning in them for a bit. which was definitely a good thing.
before i really start writing about the book i just want to say first & foremost that i do not claim to know everything by ANY means. because i know that i dont. im not a schooled theologian. i dont have a masters in biblical studies. i just know what i feel the Lord has put on & into my heart. i may be wrong. what i type might not completely go alongside with what you believe. and i think that that is ok. and like i said... im probably wrong. but i know that if i am that the Lord will convict me & guide me to maybe what is right. or we may never know...
that all being said.
i loved this book. i loved it. i feel like i am the type of person that this book is meant for. its meant for someone who just need to hear about the love of Christ. That there is more to Him than anger & judgment & wrath & ...
i underlined this book like it was going out of style. while nannying i repeatedly had to tell the girls that only mommys & daddys & laurens write in books. that they do not!
ill probably just write out a few of the lines that meant something to me. They came along the more i read.
and can i just say this? im not seeing the controversy in the book. there are moments where i felt like maybe something was too far-fetched, but that doesnt mean that it isnt possible. God can do anything, right? Oh, and never once did i feel that Rob Bell was preaching universalism. really. my theory? read the book with an open mind before you go on judging it... im just saying...
moving on.
this book spoke about love. love. in a way that i have only ever heard once before. "...love, by its very nature, is freedom. For there to be love, there has to be the option, both now and then, to not love."
I dont want a friend to love me because they have to. i dont want to be in a relationship where someone loves me because of something other than who i am. and i think that that goes the same for the Lord. He loves us just because that's who He is. And i think that its this beautiful thing that we choose to love Him. Why would He make us love Him? That just doesnt make sense to me.
"Could God say to someone truly humbled, broken, & desperate for reconciliation, "Sorry, too late"? Many have refused to accept the scenario in which somebody is pounding on the door, apologizing, repenting, and asking God to be let in, only to hear God say through the keyhole: "Door's locked. Sorry. If you had been here earlier, I could have done something. But now, it's too late."
--Ok. this may be where it gets a bit tricky. i know that some of you are reading this & thinking that im some crazed hippie. Here's the deal... this is also where it gets complicated for me. If God loves everyone, and i believe that He does, then would He be able to do that? I mean God is God, & He can do everything... but would He? If He wants all of us to be with Him & rejoice in & with Him, then wouldnt it make sense that He would open the door?
Yes, i understand that that may not be a "theologically correct" statement, BUT its definitely a question im asking myself & one that im wrestling with. For me, i dont feel like it is a "quitting the faith" type of statement, but i think that its one to think about & search out. It makes complete sense to me, but then again the Lord that i know in my life right now is Love.
continuing...
this next one really stuck with me:
"... the cross and resurrection are personal. This cosmic event has everything to do with how every single one of us lives every single day. It is a pattern, a rhythm, a practice, a reality rooted in the elemental realities of creation, extending to the very vitality of our soul."
That's completely true. they are both very personal things. yes there are some foundational truths that christians as a whole believe, but i think that at the end of the day, everyone's journey... everyone's experience with the Lord is different.
"People come to Jesus in all sorts of ways." yep. enough said.
"When your God is love, and you have experienced this love in flesh & blood, here & now, then you are free from guilt and fear and the terrifying, haunting, ominous voice that whispers over your shoulder, "Youre not doing enough." The voice insists that God is, in the end, a slave driver."
That is how i have experienced what i thought to be the Lord. I was filled with guilt & shame & fear that what i was doing was not enough. That there was no way that i could get into heaven cursing like that... or listening to music like that... or thinking like that... or any number of things. But that is not the God that i know now. The God that i experience now is one of love... and grace. Yes, i will mess up. Yes, i will make the wrong choice where i shouldve maybe made the right one. But isnt there grace for that? Isnt there the freedom to make those decisions? Ive had a few really tough conversations about that a few months ago, and i think of them often. Maybe im wrong? Maybe what im really seraching into right now is just too lovey dovey for some. But for me, i need that.
a summer ago i just started making some really bad decisions, and had a dear friend walk through it with me. it was a season where i knew that what i was doing was wrong, but walked through it anyway. my friend wrote me a note (that i stumbled upon the other day) and said that she felt like i was walking into a trap, but that i knew i was walking into a trap. and she was completely right. i had made definite decisions the day before & was ready for what was thrown my way. Now, if she had come to me & shamed me & guilted me into doing the right thing, honestly? i wouldve done the complete opposite. i wouldve gone out & dont stupid things & had to pay the price for the end. However, she came to me with love... and grace... and i could see it in her & i could sense it in her words. i dont know if ive ever really said it, but im so thankful for it. I knew that in the end that she would love me no matter what i decided to do. Does that make me an awful person for using that? I dont think that i used it... i just did really what i had to do. there were some things that i needed to experience & go through, and i am so thankful to say that truly... TRULY... the Lord saved me. I felt the hand of the Lord through the entire thing. LOVINGLY guiding me... and saving me in moments where i couldnt save myself. All of that to say... in my life right at this moment, the last thing that i need in my life is more guilt. i dont think that that is from the Lord. At least that is not the Lord that i know & experience right now...
One thing that i really enjoyed about this book is how Rob Bell approached the delivering of the "Good News".
"So when the gospel is diminished to a question of whether or not a person will 'get into heaven,' that reduces the good news to a ticket, a way to get past the bouncer and into the club. The good news is better than that. ...Life has never been about just 'getting in.' Its about thriving in God's good world. It's stillness, peace, and that feel of your soul being at rest, while at the same time its about asking things, learning things, creating things, and sharing it all with others who are finding the same kind of joy in the same good world."
Ive often wondered about that... the "scare tactics" that are used in " winning people for the Lord." Are their hearts truly changed or are they just afraid of the very thing that will save them? I dont want to rely on that. I dont want to love & get to know that Lord. I know that the Lord has anger & wrath & all of those other attributes, but i wonder about what He would think about that? Would you want someone to love you because youre afraid that they will condemn you to hell forever if you dont? I know i dont want that for myself, so why would i explain it that way to others? i wouldnt... i know that that part is real, but so are both sides. You also have to explain the loving Lord. I know that goes both ways...
So what did i learn from this book? i learned that the Lord loves. Having known the Lord that condemns if you dont read your bible & pray every day (which i think that that is just a view of the Lord that people use to scare into line) i need to know another side of Him. I need to know that He loves me & will continue to love me & offer grace not IF i mess up, but WHEN i mess up. because i do. and i will continue to do so.
So my final thoughts? i really enjoyed it for what it was. i felt that the controversy surrounding it was completely unnecessary, but i think that it can be used for good. Heck, i went out and bought the book because of it. and the book and the controversy surrounding it has been all over the news & in magazine articles. i feel like now is the time for Christians as a whole to show the love of the Lord & not look down or condemn others because they may believe differently. I dont think that he was saying that we dont need to go out & continue sharing the love that the Lord offers. I didnt get that at all.
So that's what i hope to go out & keep doing... or at least try to do. love. love the best that i can. love those who dont get that sort of love from the church. love those who maybe dont love me back. and let them know that the Lord loves them so much more... because of who they are...
courageously saying that yes, love does win,
lauren
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Do you ever wonder...
... if somehow our westernized mindset has completely messed everything up?
that in an effort to make things simpler, that we've actually made things harder?
im reading the book Love Wins by Rob Bell. i know... whoa controversy... but i havent come across that yet.
what i have come across is love. in iits simplest form. its so easy. you just love. nothings else. there's not a set of rules or guidelines that you have to follow. just love.
its interesting because the people of the old testament lived my law. the 10 commandments. sacrifices. rituals. you name it.
and then came this man called Christ. He changed everything. a radical. a man who would change the world.
yet the Pharisees still lived by the law. they were the ones coming after Jesus & His followers... asking the questions to basically have Him "prove" that He was the Son of God.
but i wonder... a lot of people say that they live in love & grace... but do they? do i? do we?
i will be the first person to say that i do not always follow those rules. but i try. i really do.
but think about it. "It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery." (galations 5:1)
but how many laws or rules have we picked up after accepting the freedom of Christ? does the verse go... "for it is by reading your bible every day that you are saved?" does it read "go to church every sunday & your name will be written in the book of Life?
or does it read this...
"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith-and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God-not by works, so that no one can boast." (ephesians 2:8,9)
now dont get me wrong. i think that reading your bible & praying are crucial to growing in your faith.
But... that is not what will save me. that will not make me any better than anyone else.
if i learn anything from reading this book it will be that love wins. really. maybe not in the context that he is writing about. but in the context of the Lord i believe just that. that the Lord is love. and to love others is to love the Lord.
that's what ive got right now. that's what i know. that's what i hope for.
so courageously willing to keep on being wrong... or maybe sometimes right...
lauren
that in an effort to make things simpler, that we've actually made things harder?
im reading the book Love Wins by Rob Bell. i know... whoa controversy... but i havent come across that yet.
what i have come across is love. in iits simplest form. its so easy. you just love. nothings else. there's not a set of rules or guidelines that you have to follow. just love.
its interesting because the people of the old testament lived my law. the 10 commandments. sacrifices. rituals. you name it.
and then came this man called Christ. He changed everything. a radical. a man who would change the world.
yet the Pharisees still lived by the law. they were the ones coming after Jesus & His followers... asking the questions to basically have Him "prove" that He was the Son of God.
but i wonder... a lot of people say that they live in love & grace... but do they? do i? do we?
i will be the first person to say that i do not always follow those rules. but i try. i really do.
but think about it. "It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery." (galations 5:1)
but how many laws or rules have we picked up after accepting the freedom of Christ? does the verse go... "for it is by reading your bible every day that you are saved?" does it read "go to church every sunday & your name will be written in the book of Life?
or does it read this...
"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith-and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God-not by works, so that no one can boast." (ephesians 2:8,9)
now dont get me wrong. i think that reading your bible & praying are crucial to growing in your faith.
But... that is not what will save me. that will not make me any better than anyone else.
if i learn anything from reading this book it will be that love wins. really. maybe not in the context that he is writing about. but in the context of the Lord i believe just that. that the Lord is love. and to love others is to love the Lord.
that's what ive got right now. that's what i know. that's what i hope for.
so courageously willing to keep on being wrong... or maybe sometimes right...
lauren
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Ugh. So ever since blogger went down i have not been able to sign in. so finally i had to download a new internet browser, & it has solved my problem. for now. im not happy about it by any means, but it will do for now.
so anyway, i received a few questions from some friends & typed them up. There are still some others that i havent gotten around to answering, SO if you dont see any of yours up, no worries. i will get to them shortly.
ps: whoever the anonymous person who left the comment about where babies come from is... i laughed at that one. but unfortunately (or fortunately?) for you, i wont be answering that one. sorry.
without further ado...
Here's my question: Is it hard for you to be that honest? Are you worried about what people will think of you that knew you when you were the girl that you were in the past? Does this even make sense? hahah! We'll see!
To answer your questions, is it hard to be honest? not really. its really all that ive got, so i may as well use it to its full potential. its the story that the Lord has given me to share with the world. . . who i am to deny that to someone who may need to hear it?
That all being said, yes i am sometimes worried about what people, who know the "old me", will think. i was talking with an old friend of mine, & he told me this: "Lauren. no matter what you try to tell yourself, youre still the same ol' lauren. you havent changed a bit."
whoa. who knew that words could sting so much? dont people want us to change & grow?
i think that certain people have certain perceptions about who i am based on who i used to be. So when they try to speak into my life & offer up advice, its hard because i know that theyre not talking to me. . . to the me that ive become. theyre talking to the lauren that they know. and its hard because i want to bless them somehow & say thank you for being a part of my life at one point, but i also want to tell them to shut the hell up! because they dont necessarily know what theyre speaking into. and that's where it gets tricky.
so its a fine line. usually i just keep my mouth shut via electronic communication, but then i just talk it out with the BFF who somehow brings me back to sanity... :)
i will say this. there are some people who i let speak in still... i could probably name them on 1 hand, but its good advice nonetheless... :)
Ok. the honesty bug always gets the best of me. frig.
so Kaitlyn had asked if its ever hard to be honest... yes. but maybe not about what you may think...
In order to be honest i have to just sit down, write, & post. thats it. no editing. no spell check. no nothing. i just sit & write.
and that is hard because i am so afraid of coming across as dumb. or naive. or not smart. or. . . anything else. . .
so often times i get really insecure about repeating myself, or using incorrect punctuation or improper grammar. i know that may sound ridiculous, but i am pretty insecure about that.
so those are two things about my blog that make me nervous. that people who used to know me will put me back into that box, & that people will judge me based on my swift typing of the blog. . .
what did u want to be when u were a kid?
What did i want to be when i was a kid? Its funny because i just admitted this to my dear friend a couple of months ago...
When i was younger what i really wanted to was win an academy award... that's one of the things that ive really ever wanted.
In 8th grade we had to make a presentation of what we wanted to be when we grew up. I slapped on a few pictures of famous actors & actresses (the only one i remember is a pic of Jennifer Love Hewitt!) and presented away. I dont think that anyone was really surprised about my career choice...
Ive always enjoyed acting. When i was in 5th grade i played the main in the school's production of Beauty & the Beast. It was just a one week put the production together sort of thing, but i thrived off of it. And then when i was a freshman in high school, it was the first year that we started putting on musicals again. I excitedly tried out, & played a town girl in our production of 7 Brides for 7 Brothers. I loved every minute of it. . . well minus all of the high school drama that goes on backstage.
My biggest acting moment came for me when i was a jr. in high school.
Auditions were being held at the beginning of the school year for the musical, & i put my heart & soul into it. I knew that since i was only a jr that i probably wouldnt get a big part, but i wanted to go for it. I knew that if i did i could maybe get a minor major role.
I remember them announcing the cast over the intercom at the end of, i THINK it was history class. It was announced that i would have the understudy role of Sandra Dee in our school's production of Grease...! I was literally crying. I was so excited to be able to be doing 2 things that i loved to do (act & sing) in front of an audience. I was only the understudy so i had 2 of the 5 shows, but i didnt care. It was as if somehow a part of my dream came true. The even better part was that when i wasnt playing Sandy, that i got to play the part of Viola, the soda shop waitress! I didnt care what part i was playing, because i was doing what i loved. Even as a waitress with maybe 5 lines, i still felt like i had the respect of my peers. It was something that ive always loved doing.
These days, my acting involves me pretending i know what im talking about when someone comes up & asks me if i know anything about a table saw! haha!
I will say this... i still have dreams about winning an academy award. But theyre just that... dreams.
Every year i sit & watch the Oscars & usually cry when someone wins. Their speeches are sometimes more wonderful than their roles in the movie that they starred in! But i get so wrapped up in it & somehow, sometimes it feels as if im there.
Maybe someday~
if u ran into the 10 year old version of yourself, would she be disappointed in you?
And would my 10 year old self be disappointed in me...? Hmm... that's a tricky question. I know what my gut tells me, but i also know what maybe the truth or the "right answer" is.
My first gut answer was Yes. Yes, i do think that my 10 year old self would be disappointed in me. Why? Oh where do i begin...
I had such great dreams for myself when i was younger. Ok, so maybe they werent great, but they were mine. I wanted a simple life. I wanted to marry my high school sweetheart, get married, & have a ton of kids. I was going to live in southern MN with my best friend, Christina, & we were going to grow old as neighbors and raise our kids & take care of our husbands.
WHOA!! That is NOT what my life is looking like at ALL! There are definitely moments where i look at my life and grieve my old dreams... the old life that i wanted for myself. And i still do want parts of that for myself. I still want to be married & have a wonderful family, but i also want to be healthy.
Being at this place in my life right now, i mean there is no way that i can go back to where i was 3 years ago let alone 14 years ago. I am where i am, & its not what i necessarily dreamed for myself, but its what ive got. and im going with that. And in the end i think that its probably better than what i couldve ever dreamed for myself anyway~
I just hope that the 24 year old can keep giving me grace in another 14 years. . .
If you could go back in time 1 yr what advice would you give yourself?
Run. stay inside. harden your heart. just say no. go to work. go home. dont speak to anyone. if someone asks you about yourself, or for your number or email address or... just say no.
because life is easier that way. you wont have to learn anything. you can stay in you small bubble, lead a smaller life, & hope that there's grace for you.
That's what i wouldve told myself a year ago. Since i received that question, ive done nothing but think about what my year ago looked like. i was just starting at sears, meeting new friends, & making awesomely awful decisions. Let me rephrase... the choices that i made arent that awful. really. in the long run & compared the others, theyre pretty tame. However, for me... it was a bit rough.
i learned a lot of things the hard way, & had always hoped, & even thought, that i was better than that. that i didnt need to go out into the world & wreak havoc. I could just go out there, do my thingm & be ok with that.
Here's the kicker... i wouldnt be who i am now without experiencing those things. I wouldnt have known & felt the true love & grace that i experience now. Maybe there was another way for me to learn all of it, but maybe not. Maybe it would be harder now... either way. Im thankful that i know those things, but wish i couldve learned an easier way...
Another great thing that i learned through this past year was that my love for the Lord kind of won. I always knew that i loved the Lord, but i always wondered what would happen when i had to choose between loving the Lord & loving someone else...
and my love for the Lord prevailed. I couldnt turn my back on everything that i had learned, & how i had grown. It was hard. I was a broken person... but i learned valuble things. and i grew... so much more than i couldve ever thought.
So that's what i would tell myself. I would tell myself to run away, and harden my heart, and just go to work and then go home... because that's easy. and its not hard. But knowing me... i probably wouldnt listen to myself anyway...
courageously being really annoyed at having to type this out on a different browser,
lauren
so anyway, i received a few questions from some friends & typed them up. There are still some others that i havent gotten around to answering, SO if you dont see any of yours up, no worries. i will get to them shortly.
ps: whoever the anonymous person who left the comment about where babies come from is... i laughed at that one. but unfortunately (or fortunately?) for you, i wont be answering that one. sorry.
without further ado...
Here's my question: Is it hard for you to be that honest? Are you worried about what people will think of you that knew you when you were the girl that you were in the past? Does this even make sense? hahah! We'll see!
To answer your questions, is it hard to be honest? not really. its really all that ive got, so i may as well use it to its full potential. its the story that the Lord has given me to share with the world. . . who i am to deny that to someone who may need to hear it?
That all being said, yes i am sometimes worried about what people, who know the "old me", will think. i was talking with an old friend of mine, & he told me this: "Lauren. no matter what you try to tell yourself, youre still the same ol' lauren. you havent changed a bit."
whoa. who knew that words could sting so much? dont people want us to change & grow?
i think that certain people have certain perceptions about who i am based on who i used to be. So when they try to speak into my life & offer up advice, its hard because i know that theyre not talking to me. . . to the me that ive become. theyre talking to the lauren that they know. and its hard because i want to bless them somehow & say thank you for being a part of my life at one point, but i also want to tell them to shut the hell up! because they dont necessarily know what theyre speaking into. and that's where it gets tricky.
so its a fine line. usually i just keep my mouth shut via electronic communication, but then i just talk it out with the BFF who somehow brings me back to sanity... :)
i will say this. there are some people who i let speak in still... i could probably name them on 1 hand, but its good advice nonetheless... :)
Ok. the honesty bug always gets the best of me. frig.
so Kaitlyn had asked if its ever hard to be honest... yes. but maybe not about what you may think...
In order to be honest i have to just sit down, write, & post. thats it. no editing. no spell check. no nothing. i just sit & write.
and that is hard because i am so afraid of coming across as dumb. or naive. or not smart. or. . . anything else. . .
so often times i get really insecure about repeating myself, or using incorrect punctuation or improper grammar. i know that may sound ridiculous, but i am pretty insecure about that.
so those are two things about my blog that make me nervous. that people who used to know me will put me back into that box, & that people will judge me based on my swift typing of the blog. . .
what did u want to be when u were a kid?
What did i want to be when i was a kid? Its funny because i just admitted this to my dear friend a couple of months ago...
When i was younger what i really wanted to was win an academy award... that's one of the things that ive really ever wanted.
In 8th grade we had to make a presentation of what we wanted to be when we grew up. I slapped on a few pictures of famous actors & actresses (the only one i remember is a pic of Jennifer Love Hewitt!) and presented away. I dont think that anyone was really surprised about my career choice...
Ive always enjoyed acting. When i was in 5th grade i played the main in the school's production of Beauty & the Beast. It was just a one week put the production together sort of thing, but i thrived off of it. And then when i was a freshman in high school, it was the first year that we started putting on musicals again. I excitedly tried out, & played a town girl in our production of 7 Brides for 7 Brothers. I loved every minute of it. . . well minus all of the high school drama that goes on backstage.
My biggest acting moment came for me when i was a jr. in high school.
Auditions were being held at the beginning of the school year for the musical, & i put my heart & soul into it. I knew that since i was only a jr that i probably wouldnt get a big part, but i wanted to go for it. I knew that if i did i could maybe get a minor major role.
I remember them announcing the cast over the intercom at the end of, i THINK it was history class. It was announced that i would have the understudy role of Sandra Dee in our school's production of Grease...! I was literally crying. I was so excited to be able to be doing 2 things that i loved to do (act & sing) in front of an audience. I was only the understudy so i had 2 of the 5 shows, but i didnt care. It was as if somehow a part of my dream came true. The even better part was that when i wasnt playing Sandy, that i got to play the part of Viola, the soda shop waitress! I didnt care what part i was playing, because i was doing what i loved. Even as a waitress with maybe 5 lines, i still felt like i had the respect of my peers. It was something that ive always loved doing.
These days, my acting involves me pretending i know what im talking about when someone comes up & asks me if i know anything about a table saw! haha!
I will say this... i still have dreams about winning an academy award. But theyre just that... dreams.
Every year i sit & watch the Oscars & usually cry when someone wins. Their speeches are sometimes more wonderful than their roles in the movie that they starred in! But i get so wrapped up in it & somehow, sometimes it feels as if im there.
Maybe someday~
if u ran into the 10 year old version of yourself, would she be disappointed in you?
And would my 10 year old self be disappointed in me...? Hmm... that's a tricky question. I know what my gut tells me, but i also know what maybe the truth or the "right answer" is.
My first gut answer was Yes. Yes, i do think that my 10 year old self would be disappointed in me. Why? Oh where do i begin...
I had such great dreams for myself when i was younger. Ok, so maybe they werent great, but they were mine. I wanted a simple life. I wanted to marry my high school sweetheart, get married, & have a ton of kids. I was going to live in southern MN with my best friend, Christina, & we were going to grow old as neighbors and raise our kids & take care of our husbands.
WHOA!! That is NOT what my life is looking like at ALL! There are definitely moments where i look at my life and grieve my old dreams... the old life that i wanted for myself. And i still do want parts of that for myself. I still want to be married & have a wonderful family, but i also want to be healthy.
Being at this place in my life right now, i mean there is no way that i can go back to where i was 3 years ago let alone 14 years ago. I am where i am, & its not what i necessarily dreamed for myself, but its what ive got. and im going with that. And in the end i think that its probably better than what i couldve ever dreamed for myself anyway~
I just hope that the 24 year old can keep giving me grace in another 14 years. . .
If you could go back in time 1 yr what advice would you give yourself?
Run. stay inside. harden your heart. just say no. go to work. go home. dont speak to anyone. if someone asks you about yourself, or for your number or email address or... just say no.
because life is easier that way. you wont have to learn anything. you can stay in you small bubble, lead a smaller life, & hope that there's grace for you.
That's what i wouldve told myself a year ago. Since i received that question, ive done nothing but think about what my year ago looked like. i was just starting at sears, meeting new friends, & making awesomely awful decisions. Let me rephrase... the choices that i made arent that awful. really. in the long run & compared the others, theyre pretty tame. However, for me... it was a bit rough.
i learned a lot of things the hard way, & had always hoped, & even thought, that i was better than that. that i didnt need to go out into the world & wreak havoc. I could just go out there, do my thingm & be ok with that.
Here's the kicker... i wouldnt be who i am now without experiencing those things. I wouldnt have known & felt the true love & grace that i experience now. Maybe there was another way for me to learn all of it, but maybe not. Maybe it would be harder now... either way. Im thankful that i know those things, but wish i couldve learned an easier way...
Another great thing that i learned through this past year was that my love for the Lord kind of won. I always knew that i loved the Lord, but i always wondered what would happen when i had to choose between loving the Lord & loving someone else...
and my love for the Lord prevailed. I couldnt turn my back on everything that i had learned, & how i had grown. It was hard. I was a broken person... but i learned valuble things. and i grew... so much more than i couldve ever thought.
So that's what i would tell myself. I would tell myself to run away, and harden my heart, and just go to work and then go home... because that's easy. and its not hard. But knowing me... i probably wouldnt listen to myself anyway...
courageously being really annoyed at having to type this out on a different browser,
lauren
Thursday, May 12, 2011
i know. its me again. but i figured that if you didnt want to hear from me, that you wouldnt read my blog! so booya!
:)
anyway. i have been thinking all morning & came up with kind of an idea. . .
i have this writing bug in me & cannot get it out. i want to write & write but have nothing really great to write about. SO. enter my blogging/facebook/twitter world friends.
do you have a question for me? is there something that youre itching to ask? whas my favorite color? my celeb crush? my thoughts on gay marriage? do i really think the world will end in 2012?
well, here is your chance. ask away. please be sensitive & not ask me what my deepest darkest secret is. i probably wont answer that one.
but feel free to tweet a question to me (LVO87), facebook me, email me (lauren.voges@gmail.com) or leave a comment on my blog. if you want to remain nameless & not have me know that you asked me a certain crazy question, then feel free to leave a comment on my blog as anonymous. i wont be offended. just a little bit annoyed.
so have at it. give it a go. ask away. ill try to be as honest as i can be. yet ill try to be as sensitive & kind as i can be too. im human.
courageously telling you all to go for it,
lauren
:)
anyway. i have been thinking all morning & came up with kind of an idea. . .
i have this writing bug in me & cannot get it out. i want to write & write but have nothing really great to write about. SO. enter my blogging/facebook/twitter world friends.
do you have a question for me? is there something that youre itching to ask? whas my favorite color? my celeb crush? my thoughts on gay marriage? do i really think the world will end in 2012?
well, here is your chance. ask away. please be sensitive & not ask me what my deepest darkest secret is. i probably wont answer that one.
but feel free to tweet a question to me (LVO87), facebook me, email me (lauren.voges@gmail.com) or leave a comment on my blog. if you want to remain nameless & not have me know that you asked me a certain crazy question, then feel free to leave a comment on my blog as anonymous. i wont be offended. just a little bit annoyed.
so have at it. give it a go. ask away. ill try to be as honest as i can be. yet ill try to be as sensitive & kind as i can be too. im human.
courageously telling you all to go for it,
lauren
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