Alright. 

so ive been wanting to blog about lent for awhile now, but have been very conflicted. i dont always have the right words to say & sometimes the things that i do say come out... well. not ok. 

kindness & grace are welcome.

so, this year i gave up alcohol. my reasons? i wanted to be able to do brave things. hard things. without having to always have liquid courage to go along with it.

so. ive been having hard conversations, going on ferris wheels, etc. as simple as they may seem, they have been extremely difficult for me.

anyway. i have a confession to make: i have broken my lenten fast of alcohol. situations come up, conversations get hard, situations become more than i can handle.

so. one night i celebrated a birthday with a woodchuck. another night i drank 3 sips to scotch to calm my nerves so that i wouldnt be sick. and the other night i had some wine to celebrate a new job for the bf. 

i know that this may seem like a copout, but ive learned a few things about myself through this. ive learned that i can be brave on my own. ive learned that when i say things, that i mean them even if i am sober! 

there have been a few times these past few weeks... days... that ive been really proud of myself. that my honesty isnt always because of the liquid courage coursing through my blood. that's huge for me!

another thing that ive learned about is grace. i know that i broke my fast, but im pretty sure there's grace for that. i know that there's grace for that.

i heard a quote once that said grace isnt being taught properly if it's not being abused. 

now im not using that an excuse, im saying it maybe to make you think.

if there are rules & regulations attached to grace, then what is it? law? rules? 

it's not grace. that's all there is to it.

So. im going to continue to rest in the grace & kindness of the Lord, and be so extremely thankful that He is the one who is filled with that. im completely & utterly human. imperfect & fully aware that my grace runs out. 

so, here's to grace. and me being honest that i will have a drink with the bf on saturday to celebrate his birthday. i wont be having a drink at his actual party, because i know that i need to work on not needing the liquid courage around big groups of people. 

but thankfully there's grace for that. 

and thankfully there's club soda & delicious simple syrups.

alright. as you may know, i gave up alcohol for lent this year. 

i wanted to see how many things i could do without the help of a little liquid encouragement. 

well, let's back this train up a little bit.

the bf's computer crashed? wasnt working? so. he asked if i was able to head up to the city & help him look for a new one. (i secretly wonder if he just wanted an excuse to see me ;)

since i had to wake up earlier this morning for work, i asked if he could meet me halfway then we would drive up together. it worked perfectly! :)

anyway. we headed up to the the mall & decided to grab some dinner, walk around a little bit, & spend a little bit of time looking at computers. 

at dinner, he had wine & i had club soda. he then met up with a friend quick, & ordered a martini. i once again had club soda. 

we went to our favorite place. with our favorite appetizer. and all i could think of was a gin martini. Mmm....

anyway. my mind is clearly on that martini...

so. one of the things that i enjoy doing at the mall, is riding on the rides. 

the only problem is that i am terrified of heights. completely paralyzing fear of heights. 

the last time we were there, i said that i wanted to try out the ferris wheel. we get to the line & i realize that there was no way that i could go on it, but that maybe after another drink i would have the courage to do it! ;)

well. one of the things that i wanted to do during lent was go on the ferris wheel. why? because i know that i would have to do it without any outside factors. 

so we had dinner, walked around a little bit, & decided to grab a couple of ride points & ride the ferris wheel. 

we stood in line for less than a minute, & somehow my legs locked up & it took everything within me to move them forward. when we finally are able to board the ride, the operator asks my name. no big deal. 

we sit down & i immediately start to cry. ugh i felt so dumb. Jason was sitting next to me, & i just couldnt control my tears any longer. 

i held tight to the middle pole, & tried not to completely sob & breakdown anymore than i already had.

so we're sitting there & im slowly calming down when i hear something. wait. the lady who asked me name... did she just say happy birthday, lauren?! what?!?! where in the world did this come from?! 

at first i thought she said "youre doing OK, lauren!" 

nope. i dont think that she had said that. i truly believe she said happy birthday!

i couldnt even believe it. i asked Jason if he had joked with her about it, but nope. it was a completely hilarious misunderstanding!

anyway. by the end of the ride, i was sitting back, looking over the edge, & wishing that it wouldnt end... 

wow.

i can do brave things. i really can. 

i throw myself into situations that i know i'll lose at. i walk thru doors into places where i know i will not succeed. i ride the ferris wheel. 

so. there you have it. i can do things. i can ride the ferris wheel without a drop of alcohol. i can be brave. 

and it felt really good. im afraid to say that i wasnt brave enough to take a picture, but maybe that's because i was too busy kissing the bf. (not a lot. no making out. just a sweet top of the ride kiss. it was nice.)

next up? karaoke. sober. aw yeah, baby!

alright. so, today is the last day of february. i know that i need to finish off my feb faves, but i feel that today's fave needs to be shared... pronto.

So. as some of you know, the weather here has been a bit... interesting this winter. no snow. lots of rain. especially when we're supposed to get snow. it's super strange, but i truly love it. why? i hate cold weather. during the winter i am never warm. ever. and this year i have actually been able to feel my toes a few times. heck, ive even felt my nose.

anyway. these last couple of days we were supposed to get a ton of snow & rain & sleet & freezing rain. whew. that feels & sounds like a lot.

but nothing happened. my way into work tuesday morning was a bit rough, but evened out by the time i was home. and last night we cruised around in the rain & man it was pouring.

before i went to bed last night i decided that if 2 area town schools were 2 hours late, that i would just call in & not chance it. only 1 of the 2 were late, so i decided to trek into town.

***i cant believe i forgot this part***

this morning i texted the bf to remind him that he really needed to drive home carefully because the weather where he lives was a lot worse. he told me to be careful, too. i tell him.... "roads are fine down here so i'l be ok. your roads are labeled purple for difficult. be careful. i love you."another one i sent was "your roads suck today! and im telling you to drive safely because i maybe want to keep you around despite the fact that you were tshirts to nice places! ;).

***back to my story***

so. i take the highway, go 65mph, & decide that im going to take the highways instead of the backroads because they might be a little more slick.

clear roads. mist. a great podcast and i was cruising.

i hit the last gravel road & am now less than 2 miles from work. i start driving up the gravel hill & realize that it's taking a little extra effort to get up. and then i realize that i dont think im going UP the hill anymore. shoot. i carefully put on the brakes & see that im still moving. ok. i park it. im not moving for the moment.

i thing to myself that i should put the car into reverse & just attempt to go backwards down the hill. perfect! smart thinking LVo!

well. it wouldve been great. if the vehicle hadnt decided to slowly turn down the hill. i try to drive into the slow spin-out and i failed even more.

so im now sideways on a gravel hill knowing that at any moment someone could spee down the hill & totally hit me. im now getting closer to turning the car forward down the hill, but im also realizing that im closer to the other side of the road (the right side). awesome. well, maybe it'd be better to just drive into the ditch because that's really the only option i have right now.

nope. let's give this one more shot. i can DO THIS!

once again. nope. im in the middle of the road. sideways. again. and know that my only option is to do this:

not too bad, huh?! so here i sit. less than a mile from work. and yes, that road is glare ice. awesome.

so i proceed to call work & see if someone can use one of their big trucks & pull me out of the ditch. thankfully a coworker drives by & offers me a ride. my boss then comes driving down the road. and this another truck & a HUGE gravel truck arrives:

i watch as they slide around in their huge trucks & then attempt to pile tons of gravel & sand to make some form of traction to get me outta there.

they attached a tow rope. pull me out. and bam! i get to back it up down the hill. i turn left & am back on the road & ready to go to work. and i made it! finally!

i get to work & EVERYONE knows what happened. people are coming into my office & telling me im famous around this palce. 

and before i left, i had 3 people tell me the same thing: im supposed to stay inbetween the ditches. not IN the ditches. lame.

so here's where it gets tricky. when it first happened, i started crying. not because i was scared or worried or anything. but i was nervous that everyone would know & then id be the dumb girl who got stuck in the ditch. the one who doesnt know what's she's doing... blah blah blah. 

i wanted to be known as being fun & spunky & great at my job & fun & all of those other things. instead im now the girl who got stuck in the ditch & needed my boss to come help get me out. dang it. i hate that!

so now im just feeling a bit insecure. im wondering what it'll all look like from here. im sure nothing will be awful & i'll let myself speak for me. 

but it's definitely an insecurity of mine. 

so there you have it. there's my exciting thing to remember about this leap year. ive never gone in the ditch before so there you have it! 

now. i will definitely be trying different routes into work... 

lvo

alright. lent is starting up & im all set to go.

if youre a facebook friend, then you'll know what im giving up. yes. ladies & gentlemen i am giving up alcohol for lent.

now before you get your panties in a bunch about my actually drinking, please listen.

i drink to enjoy flavors. you will not see me at a hoppin' club downtown tearin' up the dance floor because ive had 5 too many crappy beers to drink.

you will see me sitting at a hole in the wall bar with my friend or bf sipping a wonderful cocktail that has ingredients that you've probably never heard of.

i love the flavors & smells & everything else that comes with a wonderful drink.

so why am i giving up something so delightfully wonderful?

well. i also know that i sometimes have a hard time having difficult conversations. so, what do i do? i sip on a wonderful cocktail & in the words of Professor Slughorn from the 6th Harry Potter movie, "How about a little liquid courage?"

yes. that is how i feel sometimes.

im not saying that i cant have a difficult conversation without it, because i know that i can. 

im trying to push myself to gain skills to have these conversations without necessarily having to have a drink along with it.

i'll say that im a bit panicked. im afraid that difficult conversations will crop up all over & i'll just have to deal with it and go. 

so. there's all of that. i always learn something new about myself & about the Lord during the lenten season & im anxious to see what it'll be this season.

i had one last whiskey cocktail & it was delish. 

i will say that the bf is definitely wondering how this is going to go. a cd release & his birthday without even a glass of wine? i told him to stock up on sparkling grape juice ;)

may grace & peace be with you during this season~

feb faves

Ok. so what about blogging has been such a chore to me lately?! i have had it on my list for the last week or so & every time i sit down to do it, i dont want to. But i just need to get over it & do it because you need to see what my good february moments are! (Yes, i said need. you maybe want to, but you definitely need to. it may change your life. and i may be seriously sarcastic.)

So, let's begin where i left off...

Feb. 7th: i slept through the night! I hadnt been sleeping at all for the past couple of weeks & it finally happened. i felt so much better & awake. my friend even commented that i looked like i had slept... woohoo!

Feb. 8th: So, my notes (i keep track of this on my ical) say that i woke up to a message from the bf. im sure i did, i just dont remember the message! but thanks! :)

Feb. 9th: I received an email from a dear friend from Ireland & it completely made my day. Thank you Helena for the birthday wishes & reading my blog~! Also, thank you to the bff for the amazing parisian martini that i came home to! SO GOOD!!!

Feb. 10th: my friend's little boy & i were talking about basketball. i said that i loved ricky rubio because he had great hair. I then said that i wanted to marry him. G quickly told me NO!! DONT!! why? because he likes my bf so much more & that i should keep dating him because he knows legend of zelda & halo. Alright... i guess i'll keep him around... ;)

Feb. 11th: I checked the mail & found birthday cards from the grumpy-goos! :) they were homemade & even included a piece of chocolate :)

Feb. 12th (aka the day of my birth/least favorite day of the year): ive never liked my birthday. ever. there's something about the day that screams PRESSURE to be great that makes me cringe whenever it comes around. the bf & i had an argument the night before & i fell asleep crying. i was a bit apprehensive to say the least.

I woke up bright & early & had had a great dream the night before! My bff had totally gone bad-ass in my dream & it was amazing! I was then greeted with a wonderful breakfast of my favorite thing: french toast. amazing! the bf drove down & joined in on it with us. Oh! i forgot about the mimosas! they were amazing! (dont use champagne.) It was then a super chill day throughout the rest of the day. a couple of more friends came over for a dinner of black bean tacos & slaw, margaritas, guacamole, & yellow cake with chocolate frosting. the party favors were great. the company was wonderful. i received gift cards, a trip up north to snow shoe (?!?!!?) & the most beautiful mirror ive ever seen. Ive been looking at it forever, & completely sobbed when i opened it. Thank you oh, so much~ 

Oh! the bf & i then went out to our usual wine place, had a bottle, watched a little of the grammys & went home. I even commented about how i wished the day wouldnt end. ive never felt that way before... it was wonderful~

Feb. 13th: FIRST DAY OF WORK!!!!! My job title is graphics/administrator. awesome! the best part? i make copies. that's really about it! It's only part time for now, but could very quickly become a full-time position. Im really enjoying it & have been told that im catching on rather quickly. i love that. i have my own desk on which i can place pictures!! i can be as organized as i want & i can organize however i want. i get to listen to my music (AMAZING!!) and i can even snack throughout my shift. it's really great to be out & doing something that i feel like im good at. The only downfall? my work injury is paper-cuts. ouch. seriously.

Feb. 14th: Valentine's Day has always been a bit of an annoyance to me. probably because ive been single. probably because its by my birthday. or maybe because it screams pink. i dont know... either way.

i received a valentine's present the day before of martini glasses, a shot glass, & a shaker...!!!!!!! 

the actual day consisted of valentines all around. the bf & i made plans to go to our favorite wine place & look at a book i had filled out (it's called how to love me. BUY IT. it's better for the person actually filling it out because the questions are deep & very interesting). First i got to open my gift from him. it consisted of 16 boxes of sweethearts. i had briefly told him that my favorite part of valentines day was when my dad put those on our spots at the table & we got to eat them. Anyway, i realized there were 16. He then told me to look a bit closer. Once i did i realized that on the back of each one was something that he loved about me... my love of good food... when i wear my hair down... when we go out for drinks... etc. yes. i completely sobbed. what girl wouldnt?! we then headed out & grabbed fries from Arby's (our FAVORITE guilty pleasure place) & then bar hopped around town for good drinks. we ended the night with a great bottle of wine & a little reminiscing~

Feb. 15th: i had a great conversation with the bf before i headed out to work. it was fun & light-hearted~! :)

Feb. 16th: SWEET POTATO SOUP. PERIOD. BEST THING EVER.

Feb. 17th: the end of my first week at work ended with a big mess up, but it wasnt a big deal. But, im glad to say that my first week was a success!! Im still enjoying my job & feel like ive caught on super quick & that im ready for what's next. im adding new things to learn every day & am really enjoying it... it's perfect for me!! 

Feb. 18th: i trekked up to the city & had a great weekend. the bf & i were in a parking lot trying to figure out where to eat, & realized that right next to my vehicle (we were sitting in his) a guy was peeing on the grass! So what do we do? hit the button on the keychain to make the care make a noise & watch him jump a mile into the air! Oh man... we laughed so hard that i thought i might need to go & pee in the grass! ;)

Feb. 19th: we were at the MOA & they had blocked off the area where they normally have performances... so what do we do? The bf grabs my hand & we very quickly walk right through it. Now, i am not a rule-breaker, but i loved it. we even took a minute to sneak a quick kiss... you know, for extra luck! ;)

Feb. 20th: i went into work to find the project that i had messed up on friday completed! my boss took the extra time to make the copies & glue them for me. AWESOME!! i was so happy to see that & thanked him profusely. he deserved the thanks.

so there you have it. those are a few of the things that im enjoying about the month. i have a few more days to go, so im still holding out to see who comes out ahead.

thanks for reading~! :)

(oh. i clearly included a few pics for fun! :)

 My valentine~

 me & the bff (hello yellow box cake!!)

My new desk!!

modern day ruin

wanna know a little more about the bf?

check out this page to listen to one of his band's songs, & also take a couple of minutes & vote for them!

im maybe a little proud of him.

also check out this page to like them on facebook!

ps: see if you can figure out the awesome girl singing the vocals in the background... ;)

Ok.

so this has nothing to do with my love or hatred of february... it's rather a few thoughts that have been stirring within me.

i have a few posts within me, but this one is coming forward within me so here it is.

so i have a few coping skills for things that come up within my life, & one of them is anger. whenever i am hurt or sad or whatever else, & i dont want to be... i turn to anger. i just get ragey & pissed off & channel everything into that.

i felt like i laid that to rest a few months ago & have just decided to feel my hurt feelings & go with that. but lately i have felt anger creeping up within me. yesterday morning i was telling my friend that i just want the chance to punch someone or to just be pissed off because that was all i felt.

i hate that about me. i wish i could just let my feelings be hurt & somehow work through it in that space.

but there are situations & circumstances & people that bring that out in me. 

i hate it that these people continually hurt me. and i know that those people only have as much power over you that you give them... i get that.

however. there's something about that statement that somehow removes your actual feelings that you feel. their words still hurt. their actions still hurt. and im trying to not give them anymore power over me that what's actually there, but it's still a bit difficult.

so. i hate being angry. i would love to just cry & be hurt & attempt to get over it that way. but im also sick of having the same feelings about the same situations all of the time.

so. what can i do about that? 

im not quite sure. im still trying to figure that one out. im sorting things out & trying to see what situations/people are good for me, & what ones bring complete toxicity into my life.

and it's difficult. and i dont have all of the right answers. and i dont have it all figured out.

but i think that it at least counts that im trying. that im being proactive & trying to weed out good & bad people & situations in my life.

i would love for certain relationships & situations to grow into something beautiful & be redeemed & to just move past certain things. i feel like im ready for that. but i guess it takes two or three... right?...

so. there you have it. i dont want to be angry, but i dont want to be hurt. so here's to attempting to find the balance~!

. . . more on that later. . . 

lv