“When people hurt you over and over, think of them like sand paper. They may scratch and hurt you a bit, but in the end, you end up polished and they end up useless.” ― Chris Colfer 

this is how i've felt about life lately.

polished. ready to start fresh.

cheers~

L

"What's in a name? That which we call a rose

By any other name would smell as sweet." ~William Shakespeare

for the past few weeks or so, i've had a hard time sleeping. i have never been one to sleep with a light on, but i purchased a night light. then i realized that i have a husband who doesnt enjoy it. 

i then found that my sleeping by the window was keeping me up as well. i found myself thinking that someone was looking in the window. creepy. we switched sides of the bed & the sleep is a little better.

however, before that my husband & i had a run-in in the middle of the night when he did not notice that i was in the bathroom & heard a noise. on my way back into the bedroom, i flashed my phone to the door & there was my husband standing. it scared the shit out of me. i havent necessarily recovered since then.

i realized that i needed to do something about this. i have a tendency to have strange dreams & i could tell that my lack of sleep was affecting my day to day life.

so. i decided to pray. i know that there is power in Jesus' name & i called on that. i would ask the Lord to bless our room & minds & dreams throughout the night. i did everything in Jesus' name knowing the power that is in it. 

i've been reading a book from a series that i absolutely love (the Throne of Fire by Rick Riordan) & in the book, they learn that they can control a god (it's all about egyptian gods & pharaohs. it's great.) if they have their name. not just any name, but their true name.

the girl, Sadie, discovers that Set's true name is Evil Day & uses that power to help her cause. Sadie has to figure out her brother's true name in order to heal him. 

one of my favorite parts of this book is as follows:

"I'd never thought about it before, but the ren was the same as one's secret name. It was more than just special word. The secret name is your darkest thoughts, your most embarrassing moments, your biggest dreams, your worst fears, all wrapped together. It's the sum of your experiences, even those you'd never want to share. Your secret name makes you who you are." -the Throne of Fire by Rick Riordan

there are days where i think my secret name would be kindness. or friend. lover. whole-heartedly wonderful being. 

and then there are other days where my name would be bitch. jealous. rage. sadness.

thinking about those last parts are hard to swallow, but that's probably because im naming the least awful names about myself.

and then i remember. . . those words dont define me. yes, i have moments of anger & rudeness. but then i have moments of kindness & grace. 

the thing is, those few words alone do not define who i truly am. those who know me would probably label me all of those words, plus more, a lot. 

for now i think i'll stick with my given name: Lauren Grace. im pretty sure that God had a sense of humor giving me that middle name. . . im always needing extra grace for myself so why not throw it in where i'll always have it.

i'll finish this post with the rest of the paragraph containing that quote. there's something about it that's wonderful to me. it speaks into my heart & goes somewhere beautiful. im not sure where, but i know it's a good & kind place~

"That's why a secret name has power. It's also why you couldn't simply hear someone repeat a secret name & know how to use it. you had to know that person and understand their life. The more you understood the person, the more power their name could yield. You could only learn a secret name from the person himself-- or from the person closest to his heart." --Sadie Kane (the Throne of Fire)

hope. that has been on my mind lately.

within the last week, ive watched 2 movies with that same theme. im starting to wonder if i need to apply it to my own life. . .

ive been watching the Lord of the Rings trilogy today, & a theme that has popped up multiple times has been hope.

Without it, the men will fall... evil will reign... their homes & lives will be ruined.

this past weekend i watched the Hunger Games. President Snow's reason for not just "shooting the 24 tributes in a firing squad fashion was because without a victor (winner) there would be no hope."

hope is what keeps us alive. it keeps us moving.

hope that tomorrow will be better. that our lives may change. that something different & good will happen.

hope that our good works are not in vain. hope that our kindness does not go unnoticed.

hope that tomorrow is a new day.

i think of this often. there are many days where i wonder if im in the right place, doing the right thing. wondering if this is there the Lord has called me to be.

if i think that i have no purpose to be who or where i am, i have nothing.

but if my hope is in the Lord, i can have faith that i will be brought through my trials.

hope that the enemies within me will falter. hope that kindness will show.

hope that tomorrow will bring new mercies. and that there will be kindness.

that is what i am thankful for tonight.

that the Lord is for me. that there is kindness. and that there is hope.

without it, i am nothing~

L.E.

do you ever feel as if you've been duped by the world?

or perhaps, by yourself?

your thoughts & ideas & ambitions & longings & great ideas & everything else you once thought were wonderful, are simply just another thing to check off your list?

maybe it's not that ive dubed myself, but rather ive just gotten tired of such things.

the thought of nannying makes me cringe now, but i have fond memories of it earlier.

the thought of staying at home & cleaning & not having a job. (im an extrovert. i need people.)

now dont get me wrong, i enjoy these things, but my younger self is to blame.

i wonder if we all feel that way sometimes.

usually i feel that i've let my younger self down & now i feel as if the roles are reversing.

i dreamt of great things that i thought were attainable.

however, i am currently not winning an academy award or a grammy.

------------------

but maybe it's what i needed at the time? something to look forward to. something to dream about while i spent my nights babysitting or reading a book or whatever else i did when i was younger.

maybe those thoughts & dreams were my escape.

either way it's still annoying. and no matter which way you turn it, i feel misled by my dreaming 13 year old self.


who thought she'd be married to an NBA star (boy am i glad that didnt work out).


there really is no point to this post other than to mark the moment. to almost feel relief that im where i should be (i hope) no matter how swindled i feel.


i'll still keep dreaming unrealistic dreams.

and in another 10 years, i'll say the same things again~
L

Hmm. writing again. a friend of mine sent me a message & said to write again soon. . . pleeeeeeaaasssssse. just like that.

so i figured id give it another go. we'll see what happens.

you know what, im sitting here trying to think of all the things i could write about, & fear is cropping up all over the place. i know i wrote about this before, but maybe i'll write about it again.

im afraid to share my life. im afraid that something will happen & i'll get into trouble. i dont want that to happen. i would hate for that to happen.

but then again, i also flip the other way: i hate meanness. i cannot stand when people say one thing, & then do another.

something that ive learned these past few months is who relationships can switch & then watching to see what happens within those relationships.

have you seen the movie "Miracle"? you know, the one with the USA hockey team? where the coach, Herb Brooks, makes it so that he is everyone's enemy? but then they gather together because of that?

that's how i feel. i have somehow turned into an enemy of a few people, & miraculously people who hated other people are now best friends. why? because they can gather against me.

the thing is, it's ok. . . sometimes.

i think that being up in the city without my core group of friends has been a little tricky. thankfully im married to a man that loves me for me.

but it's still a little difficult.

so. what do  you do about that?

i feel like completely pressing into the Lord. i find myself praying for others who i dont want to pray for. i find myself craving music that will feed my soul. i find myself in moments of vulnerability with the Lord, & it's good.

so im just trying to remind myself of these truths & to be kind & give grace to myself.

that's maybe the most difficult part. ive been reminding myself of loving thy neighbors as thyself.

i just need to remember to love myself.

anyway. i do want to leave you with a song that has been on my heart on & off for the past few weeks & now daily. i just need to make dinner & listen to it over & over. i always need that reminder~

you are loved.
lauren


Jerusalem by Randall Goodgame


"Father God, Holy One, I believe, thy will be done/
Great or small, my portion be/
still I know you fill the sea, you fill the sea/

Chorus:
[I am Jerusalem, I am the temple of the Lord/
I am Jerusalem, I am the temple of the Lord/
Holy of Holies, the Lord dwells within/
Lord God almighty, maker of men/
I am Jersusalem, I am the temple of the Lord/]

And of Aaron's tribe, only a chosen few/
Dare to lift the veil, come and dwell with you/
Then you came to die, oh but not to fail/
Behold the Lamb, the Lamb that tore the veil/

(chorus)

Father God, Holy One, I believe, thy will be done/
From the tempter's charm, spirit hold me sway/
and with the leper's joy, Lord I'll obey, yes I'll obey/
(chorus)

ive been wanting to blog for the past few... months, but havent. 

believe it or not, ive actually been afraid.

who's reading my blog? who is taking some of this knowledge & judging me for it? who's angry? who's feelings are hurt this time? when is this moment of vulnerability going to come back & kick me in the butt?

that's what im up against. i know that some of it is probably true & some probably isnt, but that's what ive got.

so, this is me putting my toes back into the water.

i got engaged (i'll type up that story). im married. i live in the big city, too.

i miss my best friend.

but im happy to be married. really super duperly happy that im married to someone who loves me for me.

im attempting to find myself in a new stage of life. new surroundings. new challenges. new everything.

anyway. that's about all ive got for now. it's enough to make me want to drink the rest of my mini-margarita plus 10 more.

so do not fear, readers. i'll be back. hopefully more often than before. it'll just take some time.

adieu.
Lauren

. . .

Im marrying this man in 11.5 days!!!!!

that's all :)