ugh

Ok. so im all about being brave and trying new things and have attempted to put myself out there lately.


there are certain situations that i try to avoid at all costs. i will protect myself from them as much as i can, because i know what is going to happen. now i dont necessarily know what is going to happen, but  projecting it either. 


that being said. i put myself out there. i put myself in a situation where i knew that maybe i wasnt going to excel or be great at, or even come out OK in the end. and here i sit blogging about how i feel as if i took 2 steps forward, and 5 steps back.


i reverted back to my old ways. i let myself be triggered. i did have a reason to remove myself from it, but at the same time i used that reason. ugh. i just feel kind of sick about it.


i had just been telling an old friend that i feel like im doing really well... and then a half hour later i felt as if i was where i started from all over again. i listened to old music, and felt old feelings.


i dont enjoy them. i feel like a failure. i know that is not truth, but thats how im feeling. maybe ill feel after a little sleep. or on my case, a little margarita... ;)


no but really. im hoping for a little clarity. im hoping that i really didnt take that many steps back, and that i just need to reevaluate. or look at things and see if there's something different. or something that i can learn from this. i dont know... but here's to hoping. and believing in God's grace. i do hope and i am a firm believer in grace.


courageously putting those two in action,
lauren