ok. today has been a hot day. im tired. ready for the weekend. just... wanting to hop in my car & drive for a good few hours. thats really what i want to do. thats been my week.


SO. the last thing that i really want to do is have something come up, hit me in the face & then be "forced" to blog about it. so there you have it. i dont want to be doing this, but i guess it is what it is.


"...there are, at the very least, a quarter of a million distinct English words..." (-oxforddictionaries.com)


love. 
   think of all the emotions that come up when you hear that word. some of you are smiling. some crying. angry. fuming. raging. mourning. etc. the list really goes on. 


shit. 
   most of you are offended. some laughing. some wondering what is wrong with me. how far off the deep end have i gone. etc. 


its interesting to see all of the emotions that come up when you say 1 word. when 4 different letters are put together to form something new. it could be offensive. it could be loving. kind... any number of things.


i had a brief conversation with a friend tonight... and when i say brief i mean brief because i just couldnt continue on with it. 


i was asked if i wanted to hang around & let some stress out by killing some orcs on xbox. i laughed & declined. i then made, what i kind of half-heartedly meant as a joke, a quick remark about how thank you, but ill just go & do that through my words... 


i was then called back into the room & just kind of asked about it. 


something happened in me. i realized that maybe i meant what i had said. 


im try to be so careful with my words. i would much rather email someone then talk to them face to face. why? i can gather my thoughts & present them with what i truly feel & mean after the emotions are gone from my face... 


but its interesting. i have felt like that this past week. that every word from my mouth is somehow cutting into someone else. that im maybe slowly killing someone whether i tell them that im not sure what to do, or if im telling them that i love them...


its not in my heart to do that. its not in my heart to hurt anyone especially with my words. 


so what now? i try to be kind. to myself. to others.


and i guess thats what ive got. im kind of over not having the right words... or saying the wrong things... or... anything along those lines. 


so im sorry. if any of you have been on the receiving end of that... im sorry. i dont mean to. its not in my heart to be that way. 


if i love... i love. 


if i say shit... i mean it.




courageously attempting to say the right words,
lauren

honesty.

so, i think its safe to say that we would all agree that honesty is the best policy. or, at least we've been brought up to believe that. 


a few weeks ago a blueberry was found on the floor. my friend's little boy said that he didnt do it. She easily sweeped it up, & we moved on. Until we found out that he did in fact drop the blueberry on the floor. she then proceeded to tell him that now this would be a different conversation because he was not honest to begin with. 


Hmm. isnt that how life works? 


So you might be asking why im telling you that story & why im talking about this topic. 


well, i like to think that im painfully honest here. there are few places where i think that its oK for me to go out & be honest. so im using this as a place to be honest about my recent run in with the Lord.


i was in my car, & just really sick of crap. i couldnt be cool. i couldnt be anything but honest. all virtue was gone, & i almost dared someone to get in my way. i was so angry & frustrated & throwing fits like i had watched go on throughout the day. 


i cursed. i raged. i yelled. i cried. i screamed. all at the Lord. 


Yes, i realize that some of you may be cringing in your seats right now. but if God is the God that we say He is... dont you think that He can handle a small being like me yelling at him for a couple minutes?


anyway. thats exactly what i did. i pitched a fit. i was so mad that the Lord hadnt honored what i had asked for. i asked when my turn in this life was going to begin. i begged Him for answers. i begged & i pleaded. i cursed. i cursed loud & clear for all of creation to hear. 


"am i just a pawn in this game of life? does it matter what i want or what i feel?" those were the questions coming from my mouth faster than i could speak them. 


i was sick of feeling this way. sick of feeling like the worst person alive. sick of... you name it. i just let it all out. i had to. i didnt know what else to do. im not one who can keep many things bottled up in me for too long. Yes, they may be bottled for a bit, but once it comes out i have to be able to control it OR. . . well you get the picture.


so where am i going with all of this? im not sure. im just wanting to be honest. honest with myself. honest with you. honest with the Lord. its not like He didnt know all of this already. so why not just put it all out there. . . maybe someone else can gain something from my childish ways~


- - - - - - - - - - - - - - 


i woke up early the other morning & couldnt fall back to sleep. i decided to pick up my bible, but it just didnt feel right. instead i grabbed a book of poetry that sits on my nightstand. There was one that stood out to me & ive been thinking about it ever since. i hope that maybe it blesses one of you~

Six Recognitions of the Lord 

number 2. 

~m. oliver

 Lord God, mercy is in your hands, pour

me a little. And tenderness too. My

need is great. Beauty walks so freely

and with such gentleness. Impatience puts

a halter on my face and I run away over

the green fields wanting your voice, your

tenderness, but having to do with only

the sweet grasses of the fields against 

my body. When I first found you I was

filled with light, now the darkness grows

and it is filled with crooked things, bitter

and weak, each one bearing my name.

courageously just being angry,

lauren

damn it.

those were the first words that popped into my head when this post decided to work its way into the universe.


im tired. i need to go to sleep. im feeling a bit stressed. and to be honest, i dont feel like being completely honest & fully putting myself out there. but. that goes against everything that this blog stands for. so crap. i guess im in a tight spot. so here goes nothing.


so. maybe im a bit stressed. maybe there are some things in my life that are causing me to... well be stressed. to maybe not eat a balanced meal. to maybe lie awake at night for hours after i have been dreaming awful, stressed dreams that border on anxiety attack material. maybe there's a lot of change going on. maybe i dont have a few of the tools that i need. maybe... maybe... maybe...


but here's the deal. along with all of this stress, comes this other thing... its kind of like guilt, but maybe not quite. but i dont have a better word for it yet.


its this thing called *insert word here*. its the feeling that you maybe just dont matter. not even that as much, but the feeling that "why in the hell am i complaining about this?! my life is so easy!" the feeling that you have when youre watching the Feed the Children commercials and you decide to never complain about anything again (and then 5 seconds later youre whining because theyre out of your flavored syrup at starbucks). the feeling that somewhere, someone has it harder than you, and how dare you complain about your wimpy little problems.


ive been feeling that a lot lately. in the grand scheme of things (yeah. thats my new favorite thing to say), my life is easy. people love me. they care for me. i have a GREAT new job (really!). im not beaten. im not starved. i sleep in a warm (or cool) bed every night. my life is fine. 


but it gets tricky. because my life isnt fine. i have stress just like everyone else. i have issues JUST like everyone else. maybe theyre not a 9 on a 1-10 scale, but theyre mine. 


theyre kinda like people's goals or dreams. they may not be big. but theyre your's. theyre the thing that, at the end of the day... no matter how good or bad... you can claim for yourself. 


and i am feeling the weight of mine. some are rearing their ugly heads moreso than others. some are on the surface, while others are sitting in the cupboard for another day. either way, theyre mine. and its what im feeling right now. 


there are often times where i wonder who reads my blog & why. and then i have moments, like right now, where i feel like people are reading my blog to know that theyre not alone. to maybe be able to see that someone else feels what theyre feeling. to know that someone is going through the same thing that theyre going through, & is just trying to be honest about it. 


i think that we often times are taught that yes, someone will always have it harder than us, so we need to just be thankful. and i completely understand that. if we were to just sit & stew in our own self-pity, our lives would be awful. and i think that everything in moderation is a good thing to remember. i think that its ok to feel your feelings & to acknowledge them in a healthy way. however, if i were to be happy ALL of the time, i dont think that i would be able to grow in that. and if i were to be unhappy all of the time, i would really have no reason to continue in with the life that im living.


so there you have it. that's how im feeling. im feeling that i somehow need my feelings to matter. to not be judged based on anyone else's. to just be able to sit back and let them do their work in me & then get the hell over it.


courageously feeling a bit childish over this,
lauren