Do you ever have one of those days where you have nothing uplifting or sensible to bring to the world? today was definitely one of those days.


ive got nothing.


so. ill leave you with the Epilogue to one of my favorite poetry books, Thirst by Mary Oliver.


Another morning and I wake with thirst
for the goodness I do not have. I walk
out to the pond and all the way God has
given us such beautiful lessons. Oh Lord,
I was never a quick scholar but sulked
and hunched over my books past the
hour and the bell; grant me, in your
mercy, a little more time. Love for the
earth and love for you are having such a 
long conversation in my heart. Who
knows what will finally happen or
where I will be sent, yet already I have
given a great many things away, expect-
ing to be told to pack nothing, except the 
prayers which, with this thirst, I am 
slowly learning.






~L

alright. im just going to be honest.


this week is kicking my ass.


im tired. worn out. kind of fed up with bullshit.


i know. ive cursed twice in the last 2 lines.


BUT. 


im all about honesty. and here it is. here's my life. 


ive been feeling sick to my stomach all week for really no good reason.


there's stress. there's guilt. there's . . . 


i dont even know. i dont know really what to say.


i have all of these thoughts & emotions built up in me.


with nowhere for them to go. 


ive attempted to write. and have written. but i dont want to share.


so i guess im stuck.


ugh. i just need this week to be done!


so. instead. ill enjoy my newly purple hair. and attempt to sleep tonight.


seriously. this is all ridiculous. 


im ready for a new week. or at least a new day.

So. im super excited. 


Today, after MONTHS of trying to take some time out & get together, im venturing an hour away to spend some time with my aunt Sharon (you can check out her blog here!)


So. im pumped. we've been trying to get together since January. At one point we both decided to be honest with each other & say that we were avoiding each other. That was earlier this year...


about a month ago i think we both finally realized that we were now ready to share our lives. not that it's hard for us to share them, but it has been hard to even think about sharing what we have wanted to share. We're finally able to speak about our adventures. whether they be good or bad. we're there! i like to call that growth!


anyway. im so excited. i was going to head out there a few weekends ago, but i became sick. no bueno.


BUT. its finally here. and im really excited about it. im excited to see my cousins. get dog-piled by them, hugged, loved on & just hang with them.


im excited to sit down & chat. and be able to be honest & not completely wrecked by whatever i have to talk about. 


im also excited to sit in my car & drive. that's maybe one of my favorite things to do. grab a coffee. turn on some tunes. roll my window down. and just let the road take me away~


so. im pumped. i hope that your weekend is as wonderful as mine~!


(oh. have you checked out Mary Oliver yet? You havent? Do it. . . now! I packed my books in my backpack to take with. im excited. ill corrupt one more person :)


~L

well. ive been wanting to blog for the past few days, but havent had anything exciting or interesting to share with the world.


life is fine. it has its bumps, but i feel like im navigating them really well. im trying to just allow to work in & through my life and i feel like ive maybe even done a good job...?... maybe? anyway, i feel really good about it.


ive been reading a lot of mary oliver lately & , as always, it has been life-changing. the way her words flow into & through my heart & soul is completely amazing to me. im not quite sure how she does it but it is amazing to me. absolutely wonderful~


so i want to share maybe one of her writings. 


and im going to recommend her. go. buy a book. i get mine at the local barnes & noble. im sure you can find any of her works at a local bookstore. if you do, please tell me. read it. find the poems that speak to you. i have a few of them, but my favorites (i judge it by how many pages ive tagged) are Thirst. Dream Work. & Why I wake Early. 


If you do happen to pick one up, i would love to hear from you. or if you have read anything else of hers, i would love to know as well. OR if you have a favorite poet that you would like to share with me, im all ears. 


So... 


Sunrise
m. oliver


You can
die for it-
an idea,
or the world. People


have done so,
brilliantly,
letting
their small bodies be bound


to the stake,
creating
an unforgettable
fury of light. But


this morning,
climbing the familiar hills
in the familiar
fabric of dawn, i thought


of China,
and India
and Europe, and I thought
how the sun


blazes
for everyone just
so joyfully
as it rises


under the lashes
of my own eyes, and I thought
I am so many!
What is my name?


What is the name
of the deep breath I would take
over and over 
for all of us? Call it


whatever you want, it is
happiness, it is another one
of the ways to enter
fire.

hi. its me again. 


does it ever happen to you? do you ever find yourself completely overcome & overwhelmed by something greater than you could ever imagine? do you ever feel like there is something inside of you... something you cant explain... something there is no words for...? 


that's where i am. right. now. 


i went outside to water the herb garden. the mint was a bit sad earlier & so i wanted to check on it & see if it needed something more.


but when i went outside, the mint was full again. there was life in it. it had soaked in the water & let it do its thing. how wonderful. how magical.


that's how i feel. i feel like ive been watered. like somehow this shriveled up, shell of a life, is new again. if only for a moment~


i drove into town today & had my mind set on sitting at caribou & reading a book or two... i went there. placed my order. and went outside to soak in the hotness & humidity that the day had to offer.


i sat & read rob bell's "velvet elvis" & wow. it seemed to have stirred up something in me. im not sure what it was yet... if anything... but it gave me permission. permission to just be real & honest. to be the person that the Lord created me to be & to just live my life & somehow let my story unfold. 


i then picked up my new mary oliver poetry book that i picked up the other day. it was wonderfully refreshing. her works always are~


i came home & just kind of sat in the coolness of the AC in the living room. watched a little of the office. decided that i wanted something more... that i needed something more...


so i washed my dinner dishes. i picked out a playlist. i made brownies. i cried. i simply allowed the Lord to just breathe life into me. 


i allowed the simple, everyday things to fill me with joy. 


im not sure what this is, and i dont even think that i want to know its name. i just want to remember it... and enjoy it for the gift that it is.


paul simon's "graceland" just came on... (click the title to listen~)
this song comes & grabs me at the moments i need it the most... its just beautifully simple... yet extraordinarily wonderful...


a poem by mary oliver came to mind while i was typing this out. i emailed it to a friend the other day... it has come up a few times these last few days, so im taking that as a sign from the Lord that maybe sending it was ok. 


i hope that you can find life in it. i hope that maybe you can take a piece of it & be blessed by it. 


listen to graceland. read mary oliver. then maybe do both together. 


let the holy spirit do its thing.


maybe you can be blessed by them too~




wild geese
m. oliver


You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and i will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of he rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, hard and exciting--
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

“This is a spendthrift economy; though nothing is lost, all is spent” – Annie Dillard



isnt that the truth? nothing is wasted...


that's something that i have been thinking about a lot lately. 


sometimes, life is really hard. really. fricking. hard. and sometimes there no use. its not worth it. sometimes its really hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. 


for me, i have to have hope. if there is something that im supposed to do or something that is required of me, i have to have hope that somehow it will all be worked out. if the Lord asks something really difficult of me, i have to hope that somehow it can or will be worked out for good in the end. if that hope isnt there, then neither am i. 


yes. i understand how that may sound somewhat selfish, but i guess it is what it is.


anyway. like i said. ive been thinking about this a lot lately. 


nothing is wasted. my fears. my guilt. my shortcomings. my hurt. my pain. 


i had emailed my friend & told him this. that maybe somehow by writing about our pain, that maybe we're honoring it. not putting it on a pedestal. not stewing in it. not doing anything to it other than saying this is your name. you are a part of my life and i am accepting you for who or what you are. 


maybe its even safe to say that pain can be... a gift...? maybe our pain is the only way that the Lord can speak something new & different & a bit deeper, into our lives. 


pain has been a constant factor in my life for the past few years. some moments have been easier than other. others have been painstakingly hard & im still having to deal with it. sometimes it comes when i least expect it. sometimes i accept the possible pain that the Lord may be putting in my path. Either way... there it is. there it has been & there it will be following me forever. 


now im not saying that i dont have moments of joy as well, but this is something a bit different. 


but when i think about the thought that nothing is wasted... it kind of changes me a bit. it helps me attempt to think about the bigger picture. 


ha... even as i type that out it sounds ridiculous because i dont have it altogether. im not perfect. i dont always see the bigger picture. i am constantly having words with the Lord. giving ultimatums. cursing. telling Him this is how things are done. so i definitely cant always see the bigger picture. and as much as i dont enjoy that, i have to think that there's something greater than me involved & working all things out for good.


that's my hope. that's what i hold onto. and i dont always do that. but its in my heart to... its at the core of me... :) (see previous post if you dont get it...!)


there's a line from an Over the Rhine song that my bff quotes when the topic of pain pops up...


"...And though we love to numb the pain
We come to learn that it's in vain
Pain is our mother
She makes us recognize each other..."

it's true. i think that when we can come together, be honest with our feelings, & just acknowledge our pain... we can see a bit of ourself in others. then we can have grace for each other... and grow... and maybe. 

...just maybe...

it can be used for good in a way that nothing is wasted~

lauren

so im sitting here. really hot. watching a bit of top chef. my mind is racing & im trying to sort & put thoughts & ideas into the places that they belong.


but there has been a theme in my life that has been coming up these last few days. im thinking that because it has come up multiple times, that maybe the Lord is trying to tell me something. or teach me something. or remind me of something. 


i wish i could remember the context. heck, i wish i could remember the conversation. i guess that's not really important...


anyway. the thought that came up to me was this: i think that at the core of us, there is goodness. that the way we come into the world & the way we go out of this world... it's all good. that there is always goodness in us. and not only goodness but kindness. love. joy. peace. kindness. goodness. all of them above~


i think that when it gets tricky is when sin plays the part that it was born to play. sin is the next layer that comes right after our core. it's the one that distorts everything. it plays the part of the evil villain that takes everything good & somehow tries to change it.. to mold the goodness in us into something that is deep, dark & ugly. 


think of this: someone's intentions may start out as wonderful & kind & good. however, when the sin, guilt, & shame in our lives come into play... it somehow gets distorted. jadedness could play a part? defensiveness? guilt? any number of things...


im not sure what to do with all of this. im not sure what to think of all of it. heck, im not even sure if it's a right way to think. 


however.


it has given me a different insight into a few areas of my life... a couple of people in my life. it has given me a bit of grace for them. a bit of love. kindness. compassion. now im not saying that its all roses, but it's different... 


so. those are my thoughts. i think that at the core of our being... that there is kindness. period. how it comes out & is displayed for the world to see is somehow up to us~


courageously thinking. & sorting,
lauren