Tuesday, October 30, 2012

alright, my battery is dying & i should attempt to get to bed early, so i'll try to make it quick.

i start a new job tomorrow. my first since my wonderful job that i had to leave when i got married. . .

im nervous. im not sure if ive touched base on it here or not, but i have been struggling with anxiety a lot lately. and hardcore.

my latest episodes usually end with my worshipping the porcelain throne & i am terrified that will happen tomorrow.

actually, i think im afraid that i'll cry. i dont want to cry.

im super excited to start something new, but my personality doesnt allow for me to not be good at things right away. i find that if i dont catch onto something, then i give up because i feel dumb & hate feeling dumb.

i really hate that.

so, im trying to tell myself the truth. im trying to give myself grace & kindness & to let the Lord fill me where i need to be filled.

i watched the Help the other day & i just love this. . .

"you is smart. you is kind. you is important."

yes. that's true. i do feel like i am all of those things.

and then anxiety & fear & insecurities creep in. and they tell me

"you are mean. and dumb. and clearly not as important as those around you."

i know that's not truth, or from the Lord, but it's hard to dig yourself out from those thoughts.

and that's what ive been trying to do lately. just dig myself out. to be kind when others are not. to listen to the truth when it is spoken into my life.

i find that when my heart is in the right place, & when im kind with others, i can be a little kinder towards myself.

so, there it is. my alarm will go off at 615am & i will leave here at 650. i'll sip my coffee & take a few moments to be kind to myself & to allow the Lord to fill me with what i need for the day.

id appreciate your prayers & kind thoughts. i know they work. ive felt them.

cheers to you all~

ps: thanks to my husband & bff for walking closely through this with me. thanks for telling me truth & kindness when i need it most~

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

i have nothing really witty or funny or smart to say today.

my mind is filled with thoughts about everything & im trying to sort them all out.

im watching Ellen & she's talking about bullying, so of course my mind goes there. 

i was thinking about my husband & some things we've been talking about & my mind goes to bullying.

i hate talking about this topic because it's a topic that shouldnt be around. 

we shouldnt have to worry about people being mean or unkind. 

and then my mind goes to my own thoughts & how unkind they are sometimes. 

im not perfect & have found myself, more often than not, filling my mind with anger & hurt & sadness & everything else that goes along with that. 

so here's my confession: i fail more often than i succeed. i've reached out & tried to do the right thing & be kind, but damn it i dont want to be.

i want to be angry at the ones who hurt me & sometimes i hope that someday it will all come back & bite them in the ass. 

it's wrong & mean but sometimes that is just how i feel. 

and then there are other days where i pray that the Lord will show kindness when i cannot. 

i hate having anger in my heart.

from what ive learned over the years, it's not that im necessarily angry... it's that im hurt. 

my feelings are hurt. and at times i believe purposefully hurt which is even worse! ugh.

i know that i write about this often, but that's what ive got right now. this is where i let out my thoughts & how i feel & hope that something good can maybe come out of it. 

that's what im hoping for. i believe that the Lord works all things out for good & i am definitely praying that. 

right now it's kind of hard to see it, but maybe it's there? 

i dont know. these thoughts are full of rambling and im feeling insecure. 

So, i'll finish this out. 

have a wonderful fall evening.

be kind. and if youre like me & cant always succeed at that, please dont worry. there's grace.