Tuesday, October 9, 2012

i have nothing really witty or funny or smart to say today.

my mind is filled with thoughts about everything & im trying to sort them all out.

im watching Ellen & she's talking about bullying, so of course my mind goes there. 

i was thinking about my husband & some things we've been talking about & my mind goes to bullying.

i hate talking about this topic because it's a topic that shouldnt be around. 

we shouldnt have to worry about people being mean or unkind. 

and then my mind goes to my own thoughts & how unkind they are sometimes. 

im not perfect & have found myself, more often than not, filling my mind with anger & hurt & sadness & everything else that goes along with that. 

so here's my confession: i fail more often than i succeed. i've reached out & tried to do the right thing & be kind, but damn it i dont want to be.

i want to be angry at the ones who hurt me & sometimes i hope that someday it will all come back & bite them in the ass. 

it's wrong & mean but sometimes that is just how i feel. 

and then there are other days where i pray that the Lord will show kindness when i cannot. 

i hate having anger in my heart.

from what ive learned over the years, it's not that im necessarily angry... it's that im hurt. 

my feelings are hurt. and at times i believe purposefully hurt which is even worse! ugh.

i know that i write about this often, but that's what ive got right now. this is where i let out my thoughts & how i feel & hope that something good can maybe come out of it. 

that's what im hoping for. i believe that the Lord works all things out for good & i am definitely praying that. 

right now it's kind of hard to see it, but maybe it's there? 

i dont know. these thoughts are full of rambling and im feeling insecure. 

So, i'll finish this out. 

have a wonderful fall evening.

be kind. and if youre like me & cant always succeed at that, please dont worry. there's grace. 


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