Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Not one of those posts...

So lately my posts have seemed a little more sorrowful than usual. Not necessarily more sorrowful, but they seem to have more of a sadness to them. 

Well, im here to assure you. In case you may have doubted at any moment, I am holding strong to the promises that God has given me. Thankfully its not between you and me, but Him & me. 

Now, i dont say that to be mean or bitchy or anything like that, but it helps release me from any unspoken pressure or guilt. 

Im slowly learning that its OK for me to learn to love God again, and OK to learn to trust Him again. Now, once again, im not saying that God has done anything to not let me trust him. What i am saying is that in my own humanity i have decided to blame everything on God. My thoughts were of thanking God for ruining my life, and for letting those certain people in my life ruin me the way that they did. Like a hey, thanks for cutting me off on the freeway kind of thank you. 

These past few months have been months of death (not physical), mourning, brokenness, aching, etc. THAT is what i had been thanking God for. Thank you God for messing up what i thought to be my perfect life. I lived in a state where i felt accepted, i had the best job ever, i had met a guy who liked me, and i was doing pretty good. So of course my thinking was God, how dare you try to mess up this great thing that i have going. 

HA! What a laugh. Yes, it was the best job i had ever had, yes i loved the state of Alaska, yes the guy did like me but its not like that was really going to go anywhere...

Let's take a sidestep here quick: remember the story of the Israelites & Pharaoh? How the Israelites were never going to see how great and amazing God was if He didnt harden Pharaoh's heart to show them his wonderfulness? AND, how they thought that they would have been better off if they just stayed under his ruling instead of wasting away in the desert?? THAT is how I felt. I have been living the life of an ungrateful Israelite. 

I was wishing that I had been back under the ruling of Pharaoh even him being as awful as he was. Why? Because i was OK! I was doing really well. On the outside, with all of my issues being masked and forgotten about, i seemed to  look as if i had most, if not all of it together. Thankfully God had a desert in mind...

Yes, it has been hard. No, it has not been fun or easy. I have spent numerous hours crying, begging and pleading for the Lord to just come and end this. There has only been one moment in my life where i truly wished that i would die, and that was during this season. Not die to die, but for this just all to end. Now, that may seem a bit dramatic to some of you, but until you are there its a hard thing to understand. Thankfully, that moment was what it was. A moment. Literally a moment... i have amazing friends~

Im thankful that i am now in a place where i am experiencing (for the first time ever) the TRUE PEACE that surpasses all understanding. Its true. I dont understand where this is coming from. I have been so calm lately and have not been reacting to things the way that i normally would. Whoa. Who is this person? Where did she come from?

Now, im not saying that i have it altogether. i dont. please dont think that for even a second. However, im getting there. Im maybe even a little more than ok right now. I might even be doing really well. But that doesnt mean that im not still dealing with issues. i am. we all are. i may just be doing a little better than i was before~

Today has been a day where i feel like all i have done is rambled, and that is what i feel like im doing here. But it all makes sense. Im in the process of sorting and moving things around. Making room for something new and great. God hasnt brought me this far to just sit back and do nothing, and im thankful that He knows how much i can and cannot handle. Im not preparing or bracing myself for a big F5 tornado, but maybe just a light rain with a little lightning thrown here and there... the kind of lightning that doesnt bring thunder with it....

So thats what im doing. im preparing and prepping my mind, heart, soul, and body for something new. Im not needing to remove bandages, apply peroxide, and apply MORE bandages to my wounds. RIght now im just sitting back, and marveling at how well the skin can come back together, and just let my wounds get a little air... a little life back in them again.

Im breathing... the breath of life....

Courageously letting my wounds dry,


Sunday, April 11, 2010


By no means am i a poet, or do i even claim to be one. Poetry scares me. its so hard to understand and to get, and i feel so insecure and not OK when i hear something and it doesnt stir up anything in me.

A friend of mine got me hooked on Mary Oliver. Please remember, i do not claim to know anything about a good poem, or do i even claim to understand it. i went to purchase a book of poems by her at barnes & noble and my first thought was, "how dare i think i am smart enough to buy this and understand it." Thankfully i was struck by one of the poems so i bought it anyway. Maybe this is my leap into good poetry. my entry point to learn and grow and find something beautiful in it. Either way, i love this poem. Please enjoy it as much as i do...

by Mary Oliver

The grass never sleeps,
Or the roses.
Nor does the lily have a secret eye that shuts until morning.

Jesus said, wait with me. But the disciples slept.

The cricket has such splendid fringe on its feet,
and it sings, have you noticed, with its whole body,
and heaven knows if it ever sleeps.

Jesus said, wait with me. And maybe the stars did, maybe
the wind wound itself into a silver tree, and didn't move,
the lake far away, where once he walked as on a 
blue pavement,
lay still and waited, wild awake.

Oh the dear bodies, slumped and eye-shut, that could not
keep that vigil, how they must have wept,
so utterly human, knowing this too
must be a part of the story.

Courageously knowing nothing about poetry,

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Here Goes

I have had 2 posts brewing and stirring in my mind for the last couple of days. I sit down to write, and off they go. They are thrown from my mind into the abyss that is staring right back at me. Why is this? Why is it that when I sit down to write, my mind goes blank and I have an immediate reaction to just stop what I'm doing. 

Maybe it's just so overwhelming with all of the words and thoughts and ideas that are running through my mind. So much is going on in my mind, but Im not going to blog about everything. 

Maybe its so overwhelming to think of who may be reading this. People who have hurt me in the past are reading this, and I am not comfortable sharing my life with them. Some people gets bits & pieces, but there are some that will never hear anything from my life except for what they read here, or what other people tell them.

Maybe it's the fear that I am not an amazingly eloquent writer. I have friends who can write words that speak beauty and depth and understanding into my life. I do not have those words... that is not my gift. Yes. The fear of rejection. I think that's what it boils down to...

So what do I do about this? Do i just press against the sharp points and write and see how it is received? Or do I decide that maybe im just not called to write; therefore, I will stop. Hm... that's a good question. One that i do not have an answer to. 

As I sit here and think, my mind is overwhelmed. I want my words to be great and bring a hope and joy, and love and peace, and... to people, but usually all i bring is conflict. Maybe not conflict, but words that tend to get me into trouble. i tend to think that it's OK for me to bring my thoughts and feelings places. It is, right? Well, that's a question that I'm answering. Is it really OK? Do people want me, or just what they think is the real me? Will people be disappointed if I write that maybe I dont read my Bible every day? Yes. Some people will be. They wont say that directly, but they will think it. Will some people be shocked to hear that Im going to codependents anonymous meetings every Tuesday night? YES. Some people will be shocked to read that. Is it OK for me to say this or is that a part of me that will be laughed at and ridiculed for? But wait. Why would people laugh at me for trying to make my life better? Well, that's another great question. One that I dont have an answer for. 

So you may be asking... what is the point of this post? What is it that Im trying to convey to my audience. The answer is... i dont know. i dont know what im trying to say. i dont know what point im trying to get across or even if i have a legitimate point. However, I do know this. I know that after I post this blog i am going to feel sick about divulging too much of my life. People's feelings will probably be hurt. I will probably get an email chastising me for singling a person out, even though im not. But most of all, i will feel sick that i am putting a bit of myself out there. Putting myself out there in a way that i cannot see or know the reaction that will be on the other end. Maybe that's better. Maybe it's best to not know how people respond to me. However, ive learned that silence from a person means that they are mad at me. Im not saying hey if you like this post a comment because im completely insecure. What i am saying is that maybe its time for me to branch out and put myself out there again. Maybe this time there will be a different reception to my thoughts and feelings. Maybe it will be the same. Or maybe... it will be the same, but i will be able to respond differently because i am different. i am different. i am different. 

But thats ok... its ok to be different; to be set apart. 

Well here it goes. Here goes me being weak and vulnerable. When I am weak, He is strong~

Courageously trying my best,