Sunday, February 17, 2013

Lent 2013

Well, the lenten season has officially started. This year i decided to give up Facebook for lent.. apparently that's the thing to give up these days (or so i've been told)!

so far it's. . . strangely enough it's actually really difficult for my extroverted-self. im slowly realizing things about myself that ive started thinking about, but havent really thought to process it much.

Within the last couple of days, i've realized that i tend to guard myself. Hmm, let me rephrase that. I tend to guard certain areas of myself are certain areas of people.

i know my audience. i know who to share what with & thankfully ive learned what not to share. but what happens when the people that you share certain things with are unavailable? then what?

then you have to become vulnerable with other people. . . and that is a scary thing to do . it's something that immediately makes me lack courage & be afraid of rejection. not necessarily rejection of myself, but of things that i love or hold dear to myself. . .

my husand & i talk about this often & how we want to be able to share music & movies that speak into the deepest places of ourselves with each other. i know that deep within ourselves we want to love every part of each other (good or bad), but that we dont necessarily have the best timing or the kindest choices or words...

i share a bit of music here... he shares a bit of music there... and usually it ends with both of our feelings being hurt.

*disclaimer: i love my husband more than i ever could have ever imagined i could love someone. i find that every day we learn something new & (sometimes) wonderful about each other & i am very thankful for that. we're learning... it takes time... * to make my point..

i am finding it difficult to not be able to share all of the things that i love, & random stupid things that i say, with others. it's nice to just be able to share & have one or two people "like" a status. or comment on how they either agree or disagree... 

it's the feeling of being able to communicate with others when i am alone. the extrovert in me craves that.

so, for now it's me against the facebook machine. im still hanging in there. i find myself craving those interactions... im trying to figure out how to take some of those "relationships" & make them real... & true... and not just half-hearted "helllos".

so, what does that look like during this season?
*being deliberate about spending time with my husband*
*attempt to build true & honest relationships with friends*
*attempt to not always feel the need for validation (yeah. im not brave enough to write about that one yet)*

thanks for listening~

Monday, January 14, 2013

Well, 2013 is still trucking along at a somewhat quick pace. im amazed that February is slowing creeping up. . . but we wont get to that month yet.

i've been attempting to keep up with some of the goals i've set for myself for january. so far, ive had soda on 4 different days this month. not what i wanted. . . im giving up caffeine in february so that will help cut my soda intake a bit more. the only reason im drinking it is because i need the caffeine. dang it.

my lunch has been super healthy these past couple of weeks. and i feel good about it! i do want to be smarter about what i eat at night/on the weekend.

i have had a couple of situations that ive gone into that i feel pretty good about. my theory is this: ive apologized and been nothing more than kind to a group of people, and i am still labeled as a bitch. and you know what... yes, my feelings are hurt about. yes, it's really hard being left out (purposefully) and not being accepted for myself. and yes, it's hard to just bullshit happiness when i know the things that are being said behind my back.

so... i decided why not just let them believe those things about me. those closest to me know who i am and that's what matters. they know that i have a kind hard, and a spunky attitude. but i wouldnt purposefully hurt anyone.

and im trying to be ok with all of that. it's not easy at all, but i can move on. and this is my year to do it.

my husband & i decided that we are each going to take a weekend (separately) and go away and do something that each of us loves to do. he plans to go fishing. i'll probably stay in the city somewhere.

and im really excited for both of us to analyze and think about areas in our lives that we want to work on. and things that we want to better in our lives. and so many other things.

i feel so good about all of makes me feel happy about this year and i love knowing that we both want to have a healthier year. . . whatever that may look like.

i have a tattoo on my wrist, Joshua 1:9, and i have been repeating it to myself over and over these past couple of weeks. I (we) have been commanded to be STRONG and COURAGEOUS! commanded! i am taking that part to heart this year.

so here i go. . . live this life with the strength of the Lord.

Sunday, January 6, 2013

i feel like i say this in every post that i write, but im sorry for the time between posts. 

2012 is gone & 2013 is here. . . so strange to say and think of all that has happened within the last year. 

as i've been thinking about the last year, ive been reminded of what a topsy/turvy year it has been. 

2012 was a rough year. i mean, it was good but it definitely had it's rough patches. 

Some of the highlights?

 I got engaged! April Fool's Day will always hold a special place in my heart :)

 and then i planned a wedding in less than 3 months. . .

 and then i went back to blonde. . . i think i like it?! :)

and most recently, i started a new job and am really enjoying it! :D

 and now i'm in 2013 thinking about what this coming year is going to look like. clearly, i have no idea but i do know that there are things that i want to work on.

1. i want to rid myself of negativity and negative people. in the last week i've deleted 100 people from facebook. it felt really good.
2. i want to say sorry less, and really mean it when i do have to say it. if an apology is given more than once, there comes a time where you move on. this year, i'm moving on.
3. i want to truly love/be kind to others as i am with myself. that means i'm probably going to have to learn to love myself a little bit more.
4. i want to be healthier-- mind. body. soul. spirit. everything. eating right. working out. surrounding myself with beauty. you name. 
5. i want to be more organized & free of clutter! i told my husband that we will be doing a spring cleaning and he had better get excited about it!

those are just a few of the things i want to work on this year. im not a fan of the word "resolution" but i do want to better myself this year. not just for myself, but for those around me, too. 

so, who knows what this blog will look like. it'll probably look like what it has for the last year or so. but maybe with a more hopeful lookout on things. or a kinder one. or. . . who knows?

happy new year to you all. 
and remember to be kind. to yourself and others.
i'll definitely be practicing that this year. . . 


Tuesday, November 13, 2012

well, im sitting at home while jason is at class. lots of thoughts have been running through my mind lately, & my mind has been dreaming super crazy dreams these last few nights... im pretty sure that i've been in multiple countries & have gone back to high school at least 3 times.

all of that being said... i've been debating about posting this since sunday but i feel that maybe im ready for it.

i find that i can sometimes get ahead of myself & maybe a process that im in, but i also find that if i write about things, i can process them a little easier. so, here goes.

i have been feeling extra insecure lately. i always have a bit of it within myself, but i just feel that im in a strange spot within myself right now. things that ive enjoyed, are as enjoyable to me. there are certain clothes that are deciding to not allow me into them as well as they used to. etc.

anyway, a friend was picking me up for church on sunday & if they hadnt driven such a long way, i probably would've texted her & said that i wasnt going to make it that morning. i was feeling awful about myself, couldnt find anything to wear, & was completely exhausted on top of all of that. but i went.

(later on, she told me that she had checked her phone all morning for a text saying i couldnt make it.)

anyway, i get to church in my jeans, non-heel boots, a long sleeve & my vest. not my usual church attire.

so church is it's usual wonderful self. it's the one place where i truly have gained life & truth from... i cannot get enough of it & love that i can say that i have a pastor is a true vessel of the Lord. . .

he was in fiery moment (which i love when he's like that) and he invites people up who need a blessing or prayer or just something extra to full them up.

i was fine. i didnt need any extra for the Lord. my hurts & trials are easy compared to others. why would i take part of that away from others & allow the Lord to fill myself?

Mick (pastor) then said that even if youre leaning towards the center of the aisle to walk up there... and what do you know... my right shoulder is a little closer to the center. so, i decide to just follow the Lord's moving within me & go to just ask for a little extra of the Lord to fill me. not a lot, because i dont need that much, but just a little.

clearly the Lord had something different in mind.

i felt someone touch my shoulder & start praying for me. the best part was that she was praying in tongues. ive never had that happen before & i felt overcome & overwhelmed by something greater than myself.

i then felt the familiar grip (full of kindness & love) of a dear friend who came to pray for me. i knew it was her & was so thankful that she would do that for me. to walk beside me in a moment of not knowing why i was even there.

and then... something almost miraculous happened. i felt a small, kind & gentle touch on my back. and the only way i can think to describe it is that of an angel. i know that for some of you it may sound absurd, and ive put off this post because of that, but my goodness. there's no other way to describe it other than that. i felt this angelic spirit surround me & it gave me such warmth & peace. after church, my friend told me who it was praying over me. i dont know who he is, but ive seen him at church & have felt a kindness radiate from him. it was an honor to have him pray for me.

after a bit i felt my friend's grip on my arm leave & felt another warm & kind presence. it was our pastor. i didnt even know that he knew me & i heard him speak (vaguely) and he said that he hoped he didnt embarrass me, but that he snaked his way over to me. and he just wanted to tell me that he knew i'd be there. he knew that i would be at that place, and at that moment. i dont remember if there was anything else, but that was enough for me.

and i was undone. i felt like the Lord has something great to speak to me or pour into me. i was grateful to have a moment to be vulnerable with the Lord & to just pray. ive had all of these crazy feelings lately & have been trying to sort out things in my life.. so to have a moment where i knew that i was covered in prayer was almost an answer to my prayers.

i proceeded to go sit down & just sort of floated through the rest of the service. i love that i go to a church full of love & kindness & a place that preaches the true meaning of grace.

i was chatting with my friend about it during lunch & she gave me a little more insight into the happenings during the prayer invite. i dont remember much of it, but i know that the Lord met me where i needed it.

and i would usually be looking into everything & attempting to figure it all out, and i am, but im also trying to allow the Lord to work within me.

i feel as if a seed has been planted within me... that im being trained for something greater than myself. there are really no words to describe it other than just full of love & grace.

im finding that certain thoughts that i have are becoming jumbled & are then changing into kind thoughts that are full of grace.

and i know that, for some of you, this is probably a very strange post & youre wondering how this all works. to be completely honest with you, i dont even know how it works!

however, i do know this: i trust the Lord. i trust (and know) that He will make all things work out for good in some way.

so for now, i will wait. i will wait on the Lord & what he has in store for me .it's not easy to not know everything, but this experience was different. and i feel like it's so worth all of my waiting & wanting to know.

this song has been playing through my mind lately, so i'll share it with you. i cry every time i hear it because it touches something within me that i just cannot explain.

so, here's the waiting on the Lord & to knowing that His timing is so much greater than mine. . .

love to you all~

i will wait ~mumford & sons

Well I came home
Like a stone
And I fell heavy into your arms
These days of dust
Which we've known
Will blow away with this new sun

But I'll kneel down wait for now
And I'll kneel down
Know my ground

And I will wait I will wait for you
And I will wait I will wait for you

So break my step
And relent
Well you forgave and I won't forget
Know what we've seen
And him with less
Now in some way shake the excess

'Cause I will wait I will wait for you
And I will wait I will wait for you
And I will wait I will wait for you
And I will wait I will wait for you

Now I'll be bold
As well as strong
And use my head alongside my heart
So tame my flesh
And fix my eyes
A tethered mind freed from the lies

And I'll kneel down
Wait for now
I'll kneel down
Know my ground

Raise my hands
Paint my spirit gold
And bow my head
Keep my heart slow

'Cause I will wait I will wait for you
And I will wait I will wait for you
And I will wait I will wait for you
And I will wait I will wait for you

(emphasis added by me)

Sunday, November 4, 2012

i had a blog typed out but am deciding to just do an update.

i left the job i started after 1/2 hour of being there. it was not as the email described & i know that my skills are a little... well not what they were looking for. so, i will not be a computer board manufacturer for now ;)

i have nothing nice to say about really anyone tonight, so im going to stop.

not only for my sake, but my husband's sake as well.

damn it. sometimes i would really like to just be a bitch.

but not tonight.

i need to stop now before i throw some whiskey into the mix ;)


Tuesday, October 30, 2012

alright, my battery is dying & i should attempt to get to bed early, so i'll try to make it quick.

i start a new job tomorrow. my first since my wonderful job that i had to leave when i got married. . .

im nervous. im not sure if ive touched base on it here or not, but i have been struggling with anxiety a lot lately. and hardcore.

my latest episodes usually end with my worshipping the porcelain throne & i am terrified that will happen tomorrow.

actually, i think im afraid that i'll cry. i dont want to cry.

im super excited to start something new, but my personality doesnt allow for me to not be good at things right away. i find that if i dont catch onto something, then i give up because i feel dumb & hate feeling dumb.

i really hate that.

so, im trying to tell myself the truth. im trying to give myself grace & kindness & to let the Lord fill me where i need to be filled.

i watched the Help the other day & i just love this. . .

"you is smart. you is kind. you is important."

yes. that's true. i do feel like i am all of those things.

and then anxiety & fear & insecurities creep in. and they tell me

"you are mean. and dumb. and clearly not as important as those around you."

i know that's not truth, or from the Lord, but it's hard to dig yourself out from those thoughts.

and that's what ive been trying to do lately. just dig myself out. to be kind when others are not. to listen to the truth when it is spoken into my life.

i find that when my heart is in the right place, & when im kind with others, i can be a little kinder towards myself.

so, there it is. my alarm will go off at 615am & i will leave here at 650. i'll sip my coffee & take a few moments to be kind to myself & to allow the Lord to fill me with what i need for the day.

id appreciate your prayers & kind thoughts. i know they work. ive felt them.

cheers to you all~

ps: thanks to my husband & bff for walking closely through this with me. thanks for telling me truth & kindness when i need it most~

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

i have nothing really witty or funny or smart to say today.

my mind is filled with thoughts about everything & im trying to sort them all out.

im watching Ellen & she's talking about bullying, so of course my mind goes there. 

i was thinking about my husband & some things we've been talking about & my mind goes to bullying.

i hate talking about this topic because it's a topic that shouldnt be around. 

we shouldnt have to worry about people being mean or unkind. 

and then my mind goes to my own thoughts & how unkind they are sometimes. 

im not perfect & have found myself, more often than not, filling my mind with anger & hurt & sadness & everything else that goes along with that. 

so here's my confession: i fail more often than i succeed. i've reached out & tried to do the right thing & be kind, but damn it i dont want to be.

i want to be angry at the ones who hurt me & sometimes i hope that someday it will all come back & bite them in the ass. 

it's wrong & mean but sometimes that is just how i feel. 

and then there are other days where i pray that the Lord will show kindness when i cannot. 

i hate having anger in my heart.

from what ive learned over the years, it's not that im necessarily angry... it's that im hurt. 

my feelings are hurt. and at times i believe purposefully hurt which is even worse! ugh.

i know that i write about this often, but that's what ive got right now. this is where i let out my thoughts & how i feel & hope that something good can maybe come out of it. 

that's what im hoping for. i believe that the Lord works all things out for good & i am definitely praying that. 

right now it's kind of hard to see it, but maybe it's there? 

i dont know. these thoughts are full of rambling and im feeling insecure. 

So, i'll finish this out. 

have a wonderful fall evening.

be kind. and if youre like me & cant always succeed at that, please dont worry. there's grace.