Monday, September 26, 2011

. . . it has been a day today . . .

nothing awful, but im definitely tired for no reason other than the fact that my brain just needs to turn off...

i watched a little top chef, typed out an email, looked at pics for a bit, & even did a little light facebook stalking.

and then i realized that i just needed something more. something to awaken or encourage or even provoke my mind into some sort of existence... even for these last few hours that im awake. ill take anything...

so i picked up one of my mary oliver books... a new one (love).

and i just started flipping through the pages. not necessarily landing on a single poem or even staying there long enough to read one.

i looked at the titles. the phrasing. a word here. something about a bird there.

it was wonderful. all of it.

and then i realized something: it is moments like these where a part of me comes to life. a part that ive maybe lost in the craziness of the week.

now, i am not an artist or writer or anything of the sort.


it is in that small moment where maybe i can feel like i have something bigger than myself to offer the world. that maybe the world has something greater to offer me.

that maybe... just maybe... i know a little more than i give myself credit for. i like those moments. they are few & far between, but when they appear, i take them as a gift~

i put Rod Stewart's "Forever Young" on repeat. that song has been doing something in me lately. something good. so go check it out~ (click the song title)

So, that's what ive got to bring to the world today.

Oh... maybe ill leave you with a little mary oliver~

   ~M. Oliver

Sweet Jesus, talking
  his melancholy madness,
     stood up in the boat
        and the sea lay down,

silky and sorry.
  So everybody was saved
     that night.
       But you know how it is

when something
  different crosses
     the threshold- the uncles
       mutter together,

the women walk away,
  the young brother begins
     to sharpen his knife.
       Nobody knows what the soul is.

It comes and goes
  like the wind over the water--
     sometimes, for days,
       you don't think of it.

Maybe, after the sermon,
  after the multitude was fed,
     one of two of them felt
       the soul slip forth

like a tremor of pure sunlight,
  before exhaustion,
     that wants to swallow everything,
       gripped their bones and left them

miserable and sleepy,
  as they are now, forgetting
     how the wind tore at the sails
       before he rose and talked to it--

tender and luminous and demanding
  as he always was--
     a thousand times more frightening
       than the killer sea.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

ok. so i started a blog post earlier today, stopped it, & here i am starting a brand new one...

so this fear thing. i blogged about it last time, but unfortunately it has sort of developed into a constant thing in my life. and i really do not like it. at all.

it's robbing me of joy in my life. it is taking my life & adding a new yoke to it. and it is not light.

i am thankful for a great new season in my life... i am surrounded by friends who love me & who care for me. im thankful for new adventures & new people who are bringing me joy. im thankful that i am no longer a slave to guilt (well, for the most part) and that i have a great church to go to. im thankful for so many things...

and then here comes the but. but this... but that...

i dont want those. i just want to be able to sit back & enjoy the good & beautiful things that are in my life. i dont want my rational (and sometimes irrational) fears to get in my way.

i want to live my life! and enjoy it! i want to take this new season & just love it for everything that it is!

im dating someone that i really like. and it's fun! who doesnt want to enjoy that?!

im surrounded by friends who love me for me! who gets that in this lifetime?! i want to enjoy that!

i dont want to walk around like a little kid who cant function in this life.

i want to live my life! i know too many people who are sitting back & letting their fear ruin their lives & the lives of those around them.

im not living like that. i refuse to. that has never been the life ive wanted. and its not the life i was made to live.

so. there's that. that's what im feeling & i really dont like it. i want to be done with it.

fortunately i have tools that i can use. thankfully, i am surrounded by people who love me & want the best for me. and who have had more than enough patience & grace for me.

Hmm... i wonder if that's part of it. im afraid that eventually that grace will run out...

anyway. unfortunately, these things take time. and i am not a very patient person. i want to just be done with this fear thing right now.

but i guess that's where i have to just sit & let the Lord work. i know that the Lord will give me what i need when i need it. i know that...

i just got a text from my dearest friend...

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything pray with thanksgiving in your heart. And the peace of God which passes all understanding will guard your heart and mind in Christ."

im so thankful for her~

im thankful that i have people in my life who have my back.

and now i realize that ive used the word "im" a lot today. sorry about that... maybe next post it'll be something a little different...

thanks for listening my dear readers~

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Wow. look at me blogging after a month of not...!

So, here's how it all started. my body decided to get sick & hate me for a week. i was down for the count. oh, and then i decided to get strep on top of all of that! Im over all of that, but once again my body has decided to randomly break out in hives when i get nervous or something like that... SO! Benadryl has been my friend to say the least~!

On top of all of the sickness, i havent really had a lot to say. no inspiration has flowed through me. i definitely felt stuck in a season. There have also been a few other things going on here & there (i might share them someday. we'll see.) so my mind has been at max. capacity and there hasnt been room for anything other than crappy tv shows on netflix.

However... im thankful to be back. Im thankful to say that i have a few things on my mind. 

We went to church on sunday & i definitely had a post stirring in me before & after, but... i feel like maybe that one has come & gone for now. It was a really good message & there were definite points that stuck out, but i feel like this other thing within me is more of where my heart's at right now. 

SO.... here goes nothing~!

I have been thinking a lot lately about things that people say. and how they affect us. and stick with us. and then how they strike up other thoughts & emotions in you...

ive been doing a lot of sorting lately. a lot of thinking back on moments where a friend had said really hurtful & mean things to me. at the time i was so immersed in something else that i didnt even have time to let them sink into me or affect me (but that doesnt mean my bff wasnt completely offended by them for me). 

Well. let's fast-forward to me right now. those words... the ones that i thought hadnt stuck or didnt affect me... are completely changing me. they're making me have to ask hard questions & to just be brutally honest with myself & those around me. 

it's really hard. im kind of a broken person. 

and ive known that im a broken person, but now im having to deal with it & acknowledge it more than i would really want to. it seems that that's how im walking through my day: acknowledging my brokenness, attempting to find grace & forgiveness, & then moving on. oh, and let's repeat that a few more times. it gets really exhausting after a few times of having to do that. 

i was thinking about it all yesterday & trying to not let the fear of things in my past rule my life in the present. im trying to tell myself the truth & allow the Lord to keep doing a good work in me. but yesterday this fear completely came over me.

fear of not being good enough. of being naive. of friends bailing on me. of so many things...

i do not want to live my life like that. i wont live my life like that. i refuse to. 

so... what do i do about that? Well, that's a great question. im thankful to have wonderful friends who love me & tell me the truth. Im thankful that the fall season has started up again... who knew i would ever say that?! im thankful that we're heading back up to church on sundays. im thankful for a new season in my life... that's good~

so there's me. that's what im at right now. im not letting the fear of lies & hateful words that were spoken to me, rule my life. that was a one time thing... not all people are like that. and im thankful to say that no one in my life is like that. what a relief~!

So... thanks for welcoming me back. sorry it has been so long.

here's to a new season... fall... friendships... good drink... good food... 

amen. hallelujah.