Friday, October 29, 2010

Picture Perfect

Ok. So i was going to blog when i got home tonight about something completely different. I was completely frustrated at work tonight, and ready to come home and rant about it. 

Then i got into my car. I turned my ipod onto shuffle and rocked. i jammed. i kicked it old school. Then came a song that i loved when i was younger, but am appreciating & understanding now as an adult.

Its cheesy and corny, but the words speak to me. 

Click HERE for a great music video~

Pull all your hair up
Dab on the make-up
Trying hard to look so pristine
Like a face in a magazine
Those fancy dressers and
Media pressure
Have got you feeling so plain and small
If you don’t look like a paper doll

In a world where the goal is
To be like the joneses
It’s guaranteed to drive you wild
Keeping up with the latest style

Gaze in the mirror
You want the glamour
And the grace of a movie star
But I like you the way you are

You are the only one I’m dreaming of
’cause baby don’t you know that I love

You, girl
You don’t have to be picture perfect
To be in my world
You don’t have to be picture perfect
To fit the frame

You’re tender, you’re tactful
Girl, you’re a natural
You possess a heart that’s true
That’s what I like about you

One in a million
Yea, that’s a given
There’s a beauty inside of you
And it show on the outside too

No competition, you’re way in the lead
And baby, don’t you know that I need...

Wow. like i said, lame and cheesy but what i needed...

Since ive been trying really hard to let go of all my legalistic tendencies its as if i have made up my own law. A law that says that i have to long amazing all of the time. I law that says if i wear jeans and a sweatshirt with a ponytail, that i wont be welcomed or i wont be liked for who i really am.

But its not true. I know its not true. Im great the way that i am. im finally liking me again. im finally feeling free and OK. Even a little more than ok. i love it~

So, not really sure what the point is, but maybe im just spreading a bit of inner beauty into the world~

Courageously feeling good, maybe even great!,

Monday, October 18, 2010


Ok. so im all about being brave and trying new things and have attempted to put myself out there lately.

there are certain situations that i try to avoid at all costs. i will protect myself from them as much as i can, because i know what is going to happen. now i dont necessarily know what is going to happen, but  projecting it either. 

that being said. i put myself out there. i put myself in a situation where i knew that maybe i wasnt going to excel or be great at, or even come out OK in the end. and here i sit blogging about how i feel as if i took 2 steps forward, and 5 steps back.

i reverted back to my old ways. i let myself be triggered. i did have a reason to remove myself from it, but at the same time i used that reason. ugh. i just feel kind of sick about it.

i had just been telling an old friend that i feel like im doing really well... and then a half hour later i felt as if i was where i started from all over again. i listened to old music, and felt old feelings.

i dont enjoy them. i feel like a failure. i know that is not truth, but thats how im feeling. maybe ill feel after a little sleep. or on my case, a little margarita... ;)

no but really. im hoping for a little clarity. im hoping that i really didnt take that many steps back, and that i just need to reevaluate. or look at things and see if there's something different. or something that i can learn from this. i dont know... but here's to hoping. and believing in God's grace. i do hope and i am a firm believer in grace.

courageously putting those two in action,

Sunday, October 17, 2010


Now, as im writing this post im wanting to convey at the very beginning that i mean no judgment on anyone, and its more of something that i observed. 

Last night i went downtown with a few friends from work. i didnt have anything going on, and thought it would be fun to hang out for a little bit. Little did i know that my mind would wander as much as it did...

i hadnt dressed or brought any clothes to go out afterwards, and wasnt planning on wearing my work clothes. so i set out for a quick target run and grabbed a cute top and jeans (skinny jeans no less!) So i pulled on my boots and set out.

We get downtown and im trying to be cool and fit right in. my buddies had promised to take turns looking after me so it was evened out 50/50. What kind guys! We stopped somewhere, and grabbed a booth. then it started. my people watching went into overdrive. but not just looking around at everyone, but more specifically the girls downtown. i was so intrigued by what in the world they are thinking. No really. what are those girls thinking? why do they wear what they wear? their breasts are hanging out and their hair is teased and they are asking for something. but why? do these girls not think that they can get any better? do these girls not KNOW that they can find better? 

Now im not saying that all girls are like that, and all guys are looking for girls like that. what i am saying is "generally speaking." I hung out with some great people last night, and not everyone is like that~

Anyway, it just got me to thinking. maybe not so much as thinking, but sympathizing for them. Feeling so sorry that life or whatever else has made them think that in order to find a great man, they have to get all dressed up, and look fake in order to attract that attention. I know ive done it, and i understand. Sometimes that attention is all you need to make your day just a bit brighter. But there is a downside. they only want you for that one thing. they only want to "check you out" or they think that you have something to give them. And then it goes into a tailspin of awful emotions, and you just feeling worse for not being as "beautiful" as the others. 

What am i trying to say here? Im not quite sure. I feel like my thoughts are all jumbled up, but i feel like im still getting my message across...

I feel like this is my way of telling those girls that they dont have to do that. They dont have to dress that way to get a guy to notice them. i know thats so easy to say, yet so hard to do. i completely understand that. sometimes its just easier to throw on some sexy jeans, a pair of boots, and rock it. but in the end you just feel worse. what if youre rejected? what if you arent beautiful enough for them? Then you just feel worse about yourself, and have to keep trying and trying, and potentially failing and failing...

Now please understand me. I dont claim to know everything, and i do not claim to have it all figured out because believe me i do not. But im so thankful that im working on it. Im thankful that ive discovered who i am again, and am still discovering those missing pieces...

Also, im not saying that its not fun to dress up and that people who dress up are all girls like that because i know they arent. I enjoy dressing up just for fun sometimes. I wear dresses to work, and rock my boots. i love it. sometimes it just makes me feel good about myself. I get that.

i hope that this post maybe gives some hope and sheds some light or... i dont know.... it only takes 1 person to change things right? so maybe im not changing anything but maybe im making people think...

courageously taking one step at a time,

Monday, October 11, 2010

Awakening my Soul~

today is a beautiful day. 

i really dont have much to write about but cannot get this song out of my head.

i think its because i dont want it out of my head. 

so im going to share it with all of you. 

hopefully it will fill you as much as it has filled me today~

im tired yet so awake. so filled. so grateful. 

im realizing now as im writing this how truly great i feel today. 

and the best part is that i dont feel like by saying that, that im going to jinx it.

i am feeling overwhelmed with peace. and grace. and mercy.

i feel joy. i feel love. i feel calm. 

oh calm, how i have missed you.

if you get to about the minute mark on the video it will start up the song that i love. 

if i share a link i dont just care about the song itself, but also the visualness of it.

Awake my Soul~ Mumford & Sons

courageously loving life today,

Thursday, October 7, 2010

1 year

A year ago today i started this blog.

1 year ago.


this blog has changed so much. 

it started out as something sweet and fun and an update on my life. 

it then turned into a place where i could release some feelings. 

multiple feelings.

and now it just is. 

its my adventure companion. 

my confidant. my friend.

and when i cal my blog that,

im really calling all of you those things.

thank you my dear blog readers.

for listening. 

for being there for me through wonderfully kind comments.

for letting me know that i am loved.

for reminding me of who i am.

thank you. thank you. thank you.

i am so grateful for you.

So here's to another year of blogging adventures.

courageously celebrating 1 year of courage,

Sunday, October 3, 2010


So, as many of you know, i am a huge fan of music. I listen to basically all kinds of music, minus psychotic country music. im kind of a snob that way.

Anyway, the music that i grew up on was christian music. steven curtis chapman, audio adrenaline, dc talk, michael w. smith, plus one, etc. the list could go on forever, but i would like to keep this post to hopefully under 1000 words!

Anyway, i remember starting to listen to "secular" music, and kind of being scandalized by it. Sometimes they would say crap in a song, or venture out even further with more colorful words. i remember one day hearing a song with a rather colorful title. She sang it, and i was mortified that that word could be used on the radio...

i still listened to christian music, but really loved all of this other "worldly" music that was out there. there was nothing wrong with some of it. it was usually boy meets girl. fall in love. have a glitch in the romance. then beautifully end up together with 2 part harmony, and a rousing bridge. what song with that plot doesnt sound great?! i enjoyed hanson, nsync, backstreet boys, jessica simpson, etc. the list went on. but not only that, i enjoyed older music that my dad had brought into our lives. there was a definite moment growing up where it switched from strictly all christian music to music that my parents grew up with... i loved it. i remember sitting in the living room and singing along with the three dog night commercial for their greatest hits cd... i remember opening up the stereo cabinet and being able to listen to them. it was wonderful. it was so fun to sing along with them~

Ok, needing to move on...

i remember having moments of confusion as i got older as to why certain music was good, and other music was bad. now, i wasnt getting this from my parents but from different areas around me... 

why cant i listen to music from the 60s?! i love it! it has a great beat! i really enjoyed it! it was so conflicting for me that i remember making a conscious decision to only listen to christian music because that was the right thing to do, and i knew that by only allowing that into my life, i would be a better christian for it.

Lets fast forward a few years... lets fast forward to the years where i began shedding certain images of myself. i didnt want to be the stuffy christian anymore, so of course the first thing to go was my christian music. by ridding myself of it, i was proving to everyone that i wasnt a "crazy christian" and that i wasnt going to always condemn them to hell for not listening to the right type of music. this was my first taste of freedom. picking out music because i liked it. 

However, in the process i seemed to lose a part of myself... deep down i really did enjoy my other music. i missed it. i missed that feeding from the LORD. I missed how it made me feel, and how it stirred and moved me and my heart to greater things....

but i had to do it to separate myself from the more "radical christians." (And yes, as i am typing this im feeling a bit sheepish. however, im just being honest with how i was feeling at the time. i promise this will end well~)

So lets fast forward a few more years. I have met my best friend T and her and her family's love of music, great music, has now influenced me. They listen to all sorts of music, and are deeply involved in the christian music world. So, how can they listen to both sorts of music? How is that ok? Ive gone through this roller coaster of life, and have tried making them both come together but i cant figure out how.

And then they introduced me to music that now stirs and moves my heart. Artists like Andrew Peterson, Randall Goodgame, Jill Phillips, Rich Mullins...

but they also introduce me to Mumford & Sons, Fleet Foxes, Coldplay, John Mayer...

and the music of all of the above artists speaks to me in different yet similar ways.. Their lyrics move my heart and my soul to not only feel greater things, but also force me to think in a way that i had never thought about music. To think of music as poetry, and not always something that you can groove to. Or sometimes, a groovy tune that makes me think. how amazing is that?

So where am i now? How is this relevant to my life today? As ive blogged before, music feeds me more than food, and i am thankful for that...

the other day a facebook friend had blogged about something (to be honest, i would have to read it again to remember... sorry!) and i had randomly decided to email him and suggest some music. I suggested some great christian music that i love and that moves me. That same morning i decided to throw on my suggestions and just have another listen of them on my way to work. How beautiful it was. How wonderful to be filled with the Spirit on my way to work. And to be perfectly honest, that is all i have been listening to these past few nights. Yes, if i really want to belt it out and jam in my car, i'll throw on some Glee, but thats about it. Other than that it has been music that has been filling me and feeding me to the point where im feeling like im doing ok. Im at a point where im maybe wanting to read my bible for fun as opposed to me feeling like i have to... what a relief! What a wonderful feeling of joy that is flowing through me. 

I love it when i can get back to my roots of who i truly am. In the midst of life, many parts of who i truly am have gotten lost, and im so thankful that they are just lost and not gone and forgotten. They're there, and im searching to find them. Some have been easier to find than others, and some are still lost, but not forgotten.... and i am so thankful for that.

So there you have it. i have been listening to great music lately that has been feeding me, whether it be christian or secular...

I picked up Jason Gray's "Everything Sad is Coming Untrue" again... im so thankful for it these days. Its just another reminder that not everything is lost. that things can be ok again... and that they ARE ok... even more than ok....

courageously singing,

Friday, October 1, 2010

How Im Feeling Today

This is exactly how i am feeling today.

im feeling good. im feeling ok enough to be able to say that without thinking im going to jinx it.

i have a wonderful sense of gratitude. and hope. and grace~

Please click here and check it out~

courageously not being who i was,