Saturday, February 26, 2011

I Want to Write Something so Simply

I want to write something
so simply
about love
or about pain
that even
as you are reading
you feel it
and as you read
you keep feeling it
and though it be my story
it will be common,
though it be singular
it will be known to you
so that by the end
you will think-
no, you will realize-
that it was all the while
yourself arranging the words,
that it was all the time
words that you yourself,
out of your own heart
had been saying.
~M. Oliver

That is my hope & prayer for this blog... for my life... 

courageously blogging twice today,

Oscar Picks 2011 Style

Ok. I need to do this. How i pick my winners is this crazy thing. i base it off of who i want to win (sometimes) or who i think is going to win. Ill probably post both in case they happen to be different. And i wont list all of the categories. just the main ones. the smaller ones are usually last minute picks that i say randomly right before the envelope is opened.

Best Original Screenplay:
The Fighter-- LOVED that movie so much...

Best Animated Feature:
Toy Story 3 --Could i really pick anything else?

Best Supporting Actor:
Christian Bale "The Fighter"-- Yep... loved that movie. Although Jeremy Renner was pretty great in  The Town too...

Best Supporting Actress:
Melissa Leo "The Fighter"-- her transformation... AMAZING. AND i think that Hailee Steinfeld deserved a Best Actress nom. she was NOT a supporting actress. True Grit was her movie...

Best Actor:
Ok. Im pretty sure that Colin Firth will win... i havent seen the movie but i want to. If he wins ill be pleased. That being said... i LOVE Jeff Bridges. He was wonderful in True Grit. However, i thought his win last year for Crazy Heart was WAY better. i would only want him to win this because i love him so darn much.

Best Actress: We all know that Natalie Portman is basically already the winner. That being said... i really want to see Blue Valentine... so i dont know what that means. it means that Natalie Portman will win, but i might not necessarily want her to win if i had seen Blue Valentine. So really... ive got nothing.

Best Director:
David O. Russell. Im sticking with the Fighter. LOVED that movie. HOWEVER, i love the Coen Bros. Loved True Grit. 

Best Picture:
Ok. I take issue with this whole "10 best picture nominee" thing. I dont like it. I almost feel as if it cheapens it... im not sure. THose are my thoughts, and im sticking to them. That being said... who gets my pick? Well, ive only seen 4 of the movies on the list (thats another reason why i dont like 10. before i only had to worry about seeing 5... now 10?! really academy? really?!)
THAT ALL BEING SAID: I have to stick with the Fighter. I loved that movie... it evoked every emotion from me, and that to me means its a good movie. But i also loved True Grit... hello. Its the Coen bros. and im totally listening to the soundtrack right now..
but i also loved inception... but that came out earlier this year so its kind of forgotten on me.. 
so im picking the Fighter & throwing it into the universe hoping that something can be done with that...

ok. those are my picks. thankfully you dont have to like them all. :)

courageously rockin' the Oscars tomorrow night,

Thursday, February 24, 2011


This theme has been too evident & close in my life... not for myself necessarily, but for a number of people around me.

i dont like it. i dont enjoy it. i pray against it. it makes me angry because i see the life that fear is robbing from those around me...

" Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer & petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts & minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy- think about such things." Philippians 4:4-8

Note the bold words. And the peace of God... will guard your hearts and minds... 
its not fear. Fear will have you shoot at anyone & anything, good or bad... just to protect itself. 

I think of the battle scene at Helm's Deep (think Lord of the Rings: the Two Towers) where the elves come &, essentially, try to help save the day. What if they had feared? They probably wouldve just started shooting at the elves THINKING that they were the bad guys... their fear wouldve told them that. 
Thats what fear does. it tells us that anything & everything good, is really harmful. Ive had fear shoot out at me. ive seen fear shoot out at those that i love. its not fun. its not pretty. its ugly. its false. and, if you look close enough, it betrays itself.

This verse has been one that i remember from around the time that i was... oh man... i dont even remember... there were puppets that taught us this verse, & i ended up winning a fun dip out of it. Go Bible Camp. (Stacy... if youre reading this it was Camp Grindstone!) Anyway, this verse has always stuck with me, and i am more thankful for it now than i ever have been...

"God hasnt given us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power, of love, and of a sound mind (or self-discipline)." --2 Timothy 1:7.

OneRepublic has a song called Fear. Its kind of beautiful...

Fear by OneRepublic

No sleep today
cant even rest when the sun's down
no time, there's not enough
and nobody's watching me now

when we were children we'd play
out in the streets just dipped in fate
when we were children we'd say
that we dont know the meaning of

fear, fear, fear
fear, fear, fear
we dont know the meaning of 

when we were children we'd play
out in the streets just dipped in fate
when we were children we'd say
that we dont know the meaning of 

fear, fear, fear
fear, fear, fear
we dont know the meaning of 

wish i didnt know the meaning of

Well... the last line is true... i wish i didnt know the meaning of fear... but i do. and im thankful that the Lord loves me... and cares for me... and doesnt wish for me to live in fear.

So i keep on doing what ive been doing... praying against that fear... praying against the fear that is binding those that i love... 

courageously attempting to not know fear,

Monday, February 21, 2011

Letter to _______________.

You have broken my heart.
  Just as well. Now
     I am learning to rise
       above all that, learning

the thin life, waking up
  simply to praise
    everything in this world that is
      strong and beautiful

always--the trees, the rocks,
  the fields, the news
    from heaven, the laughter
      that comes back

all the same. Just as well. Time
  to read books, rake the lawn 
    in peace, sweep the floor, scour
      the faces of the pans,

anything. And I have been so 
  diligent it is almost
    over, I am growing myself 
      as strong as rock, as a tree

which, if I put my arms around it, does not
  lean away. It is a 
    wonderful life. Comfortable.
      I read the papers. Maybe

I will go on a cruise, maybe I will 
  cross the entire ocean, more than once.
    Whatever you think, I have scarcely
      thought of you. Whatever you imagine,

it never really happened. Only a few
  evenings of nonsense. Whatever you believe--
    dear one, dear one--
      do not believe this letter.


courageously attempting courage again,

Sunday, February 20, 2011


sometimes i dont want to edit myself.
sometimes i dont want to think about how someone else will feel.
sometimes i dont want to be wrong.

sometimes i want to be right.
sometimes i want to feel.
sometimes i want to be hurt.
sometimes i want to be angry.

sometimes i dont want to edit myself.

unfortunately, that day is not today.

courageously not being courageous,

Wednesday, February 16, 2011


Ok. so here i am. living life. wanting to try & get things together. figure things out. figure life out... see if what i feel the Lord telling me is actually right...


this is what happened today, and i almost broke down in public. but i didnt.

i was nannying this morning, & we headed out to the little children's playlab in town. There are lots of fun things to do there, but usually it just stresses me out. there's something about being surrounded by all of these moms and kids that completely sends me orbiting into the atmosphere. A

Anyway, we decided to go over & play with the awesome blue blocks that they have there (i nanny for a 3 year old & a 1.5 year old so theyre both kinda fun...). Anyway, the 3 year old thought it would be fun to build a "house" around me. i was sitting up against a wall, and she just started putting blocks in front of me. It was nice to just sit for a bit, and not have to do too much. i wasnt too tired, but my mind, as always, was wandering away from me...

So as she was building up the walls around me, the 1 year old (grumpy-goo) was trying to get to me, but couldnt because the walls were surrounding me. it started to become an obstacle course to even come close to me. you could see the fear in her eyes start to come over her, & i had to move a block. the 3 year old freaked out. "dont mess up my wall! im building it for lolo!" i quickly told her that it was ok, & that i would put it back when the grumpy goo moved.

Finally. the house was built. and i was so bored! i told "Aubs" that i wanted to be able to play with her and get out! She said, emphatically, "NO!! Youre safe! Thats why i built the house! So you could be safe!" 

oh my goodness! Hello life!! 

Thats what we do to ourselves... life gets tough... OR walls just start building up slowly over time. and we get comfortable. we may be completely bored with our lives, but at least we're safe. no one can get in & hurt us. the world cant reach us. yes... the cost may be loneliness, but youre safe. and the people around you are safe. you cant hurt anyone, & no one cant hurt you.

but at what cost? are you willing to give up your life to be safe? was i able to risk hurting myself, & maybe others, to just break out and live life?

it started to overwhelm me. "grumpy goo" wanted to come & sit by me, but the walls werent allowing it. so i told "aubs" that i was just going to knock it down. she looked at me with big, scared eyes. she didnt want me to knock it down, & i kind of didnt want to. i was afraid that the blocks would fall, & hit me... or hit the "grumpy goo"... or hit anyone else around me. that me, or these wonderful girls that i love, would get hit by the debris...

so i just had to go for it. i got hit by a block. both girls got hit by blocks. it was destruction. mass chaos. and people got hurt. 

but i was free. i was free to move around the playlab again. and play with the girls. and have a life again. yes... there was now a chance that i was going to get hurt. or that one of the girls would get hurt. or any other number of things... but i was free. i was now able to live my life & have fun~!... i mean now i was just able to play...

how often do we do this? i had the great wall of china around me, and i had no choice... my walls had to come down. i knew that i was going to get hurt. i knew that the people around me were going to get hurt. but my life was dead. i couldnt keep living shelled up all by myself in a house that i built...

so i tore it down. with my bare hands. and it hurt. i can still see scars. and sometimes the wounds, that are still trying to heal, open up and bleed out everywhere... but i just try to fix them the best that i can. or maybe i visit the Dr. that can stitch it back together better than i ever could. but i cant stop. the walls arent down yet. and why could i leave up a wall that ive already started tearing down? because it may get too hard? great... maybe ill take a break for a day. or maybe ill call up a friend and see if they can help. or maybe... just maybe... in the middle of the night while im resting because i just cant do it anymore, the Lord comes down and removes a few bricks for me... to lighten my load. either way. ive started this process, & i cant stop. and now that ive tasted even some of the sweet fresh smell of freedom, how can i stop?! its so life giving...

the sad thing... is that i know a lot of people who may never experience that. and ive tried to help bring down those walls, but they havent been ready. or they havent wanted me to... out of fear... (which is a whole other blog post)... or many other reasons... and it hurts. it hurts to know that some people may never know that freedom. or not even that. it hurts to know that they will have to face the same pain that i had to. because i know how hard it is. and how much it hurts. but i also know how freeing it can be... i mean not all the time... but sometimes...

So there you have it. im learning new things every day. and they are beautiful. and wonderful. and yet they are wrecking me to the core of my being... but if theyre wrecking me, then maybe theyre knocking down part of my wall too...

courageously crying over every letter ive typed,

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Ok. So my plan for the day today was to wake up whenever i woke up, and either read my Bible, or listen to a little Andrew Peterson, & let the Lord work through that...

Well. It didnt go as planned. i woke up annoyed. feeling catty. pissed off. mad at the world. but really just mad at one person, and projecting it at the world. just really annoyed. 

i went downstairs, grabbed some coffee & a croissant, and came back up. with hopes of maybe journaling for a bit. and i watched some mind numbing tv on my computer & just wrote. wrote about how i was feeling. i woke up being completely honest with God, & told him that i was not marching around the wall just yet... (think of the story of Joshua & Jericho) and that when i felt like it that i would do what i needed to do for the day. so i just let that be...

my BFT came in and we chatted for a bit. it was good. i realized that i have a lot of spunk in me today (for lack of a better term), and that this could be really awesome or really awful. 

and then i sat down with my journal again and started looking for some song lyrics. and then i stumbled upon some music videos of a couple of my favorite songs right now... songs that are by no means labeled "Christian", but songs that fed me... songs that spoke to my soul... songs that i listen to and just feel inspired... or maybe give me just a little bit of life...

isnt it funny how that happens sometimes. i plan for one thing, and something completely different pops up...

my favorite part is that i know God can and is working in it & through it... 

courageously writing & listening,

Friday, February 4, 2011

Living & Breathing~

Yes, i know... its been awhile. Its just that i havent had anything inspiring to say or write about... but here i come to you today... with something that the Lord has put on my heart to share with my blog readers... i hope that it makes you think or maybe moves you to think... 

My BFT & i were sipping martinis & chatting in my room the other night... talking about life, love, how we're doing, etc... 

I started telling her about a few things that i really felt the Lord spoke to me while we were at church on sunday. The pastor was speaking about a lot of different things, and he brought out a scripture that i struck me and settled in me in a way that i know only the LORD can do. 

Im not going to get into it all, but the scripture was Exodus 33:12-23, but the part im talking specifically about right now is v12-17.

Anyway, after the pastor had read that in church, i turned to my friend, and was like WOW. That really struck me and did something in me.

Lets fast forward back to the other night... we were talking about that one moment and it was amazing because she looked at me and said that she too had a moment like that, but the Lord spoke something different to her. 

Wow. You take the same passage, 2 people, & the same God, & yet what was received was 2 different things. 

Im realizing more & more that the Word of the Lord is living & moving & breathing... everywhere... every day... in everyone of us.

Doesnt that just change the way that you may be thinking about everything? Maybe not everything, but at least a lot of things... i know that it changes me. Its like i resets me. Ive been seeing things one way, and now i feel like its a deeper level in my relationship with the LORD. A deeper understanding of what i feel He truly wants us to know... not just know, but experience. and live out in our lives. 

so here i go... i go on living my life, and experiencing the Lord... and i am so grateful for that...

and right now, more than any other time in my life, i am thankful for that.

Courageously not giving up,