Thursday, December 15, 2011

So, there are times that a topic stirs me, & the first thing i want to do is sit down & blog about it & just rant. go on & on about it & then im done... then i feel a bit better about what's going on.

ive had this blog post within me for the past few weeks. months maybe... and finally i feel like maybe, MAYBE it's the right time for me to maybe write about it. so, here goes.

bullying. it's all over the news. it's everywhere. you cant turn your head without hearing awful stories about kids who are afraid to go to school. or who are being thrown into lockers.

all because theyre different. because someone else is more insecure than they are. because they dont fit into the perfect little box that everyone says they should fit into.

i remember those days. i still have dreams about being back in school & having the bullies on the bus completely coming after me. not with their fists, but with their words.

when i was in jr. high, i had a dream that i was on the bus & i finally got to tell one of the girls what i truly felt. that she was mean & rude & that nobody really liked her but that they were afraid of her. i remember waking up with a rush of adrenaline. i wondered if it was finally my time to be able to stand up to one of the many people who had tormented me & finally be able to say what im thinking. to be able to stand up for myself.

yes, i realize that my words were not kind either.

i remember after that dream that i did have a moment on the bus where i tried that. but it all went wrong. i couldnt attack with words like she could. that, and im an emotional being. i cry when im happy, sad, angry, etc. SO, the odds were clearly against me.

from that day forward, i told myself that when i got older i would change that. why? because then i would be an adult & i would be able to speak up & say my mind. i would finally be able to tell all of the bullies out there, that what they are doing is wrong. tell them that i am sorry that they have issues in their life where they feel like its OK to belittle others so that they can feel better about themselves.

well. the older i get, the more i realize that it's not that easy. that life doesnt always work that way.

and maybe its not like that. maybe there are people out there who can speak up & out against those who feel the need to put others down. i guess i just havent found that voice within me yet. and im really struggling with that.

a part of me feels that i let down the 12 year old me. i thought for sure i would be doing bigger things. that i would have a platform or at least a voice to be able to speak out against those things.

but. maybe my place to say those things is here. or maybe it just turned into more of an action... a way to live my life... instead of using words.

i guess im not sure. i dont really know. what i do know is that i have no tolerance for it. even thinking about it triggers me & feel sick & start crawling out of my skin.

what i do know is that it doesnt necessarily go away even when youre older.

the 12 year old me didnt necessarily know the grace that i do now. but i do know that ive always had a bit of kindness in my heart. so i think that i would go a little easy on me...

so maybe that's what we should all do. just go easy on each other. we dont know where anyone's coming from. hurts are always deeper than we ever imagine.

so. . .

be kind. it wont always go unnoticed.


Friday, December 9, 2011

so, im all about learning new things about myself, even if it takes a little work to get there. i like to think that im pretty aware of myself, even possibly to the point where i start to drive myself a little crazy about it.

ive always been known as the loud one. hey. im one of 6 kids. i have to be heard somehow, right? right.

ive never been one who has really every shied away from the spotlight. i enjoy performing in public. i enjoy people. i love interacting & i sometimes feed off of it. when i worked retail, i rocked customer service like there was no tomorrow!

however, that's work. that's my job. my job was to entertain customers & be sweet & kind & friendly. i know how to do that and i like to think that im pretty good at it.

ive realized more & more that at the end of the day i need more time to myself than ive ever really thought. i start getting sweaty & feeling like i will literally crawl out of my skin.

i was once called an complete extrovert by a lady that i used to work with. i almost laughed in her face when i started explaining what im really like at home. that i enjoy reading a good book at a great coffee shop with great coffee. maybe sitting next to a friend & having a deeper conversation, but i dont know if i need that in there.

at the end of the day, i need my space. i need to hop in a car & driving & listen to my music. just me & sweet delicious goodness for my ears.

so there you have it. as gregarious as i may be, im an introvert at heart. and i need my space. so back off.

haha not really... but kind of! :)

so. there you have it. i enjoy learning new things about myself every day. i mean ive known about this for awhile, but i just need to remind myself of that. that sometimes i get stressed & just need a break. and then bring on the world again~!

that's all. hope your weekend is well~

Sunday, December 4, 2011

3 posts in one day?

ugh. yes. that sounds exactly like my day today...

do you ever find yourself "in-between"? im a person who is in-between 2 jeans sizes & its really frustrating. thankfully, this post is not about my jeans & how the ones that im wearing may or may not be fitting at the moment...

what im actually talking about is seasons. not fall, winter, heaven, or spring but rather seasons of life.

i feel like an awkward jr high girl whose body is all grown up but yet she's rather restricted.

i dont fit into season a really well anymore... but im not yet into season b yet either.

i dont really fit into this group here... but i dont really fit into this other group over there.

and im not exactly sure how to go about any of it. i feel as if im walking around not knowing which way is up. and just when i think ive gotten past of a season figured out, it turns out i was wrong. and im not really sure what to do about any of it.

i know that everyone goes through this & its not an age thing by any means.

but i definitely am feeling awkward. out of sorts. i know a few things, but yet i know nothing at all.

its like im all dressed & ready for summer, but spring has to finish itself out first. but im dressed for summer. and i dont want to dig out all of my winter clothes...

so do i just stand my ground & plunge ahead into spring knowing all too well that i am going to freeze? im not quite sure if i can answer that yet.

so instead. i will just continue wandering around being full of conflict. full of knowing what i want, but not really having a tangible way to get at it.

yes, i know waiting & searching & all of those other things are all a part of the journey. i get that & see the merit & beauty in it.

but this isnt like that, i dont think. its more like this. im harvey two-face from the batman movie. im not a bad guy but im also not a good guy. im just going around trying to get the job done with the tools that ive got. granted, his job was revenge but im just using it as a light comparison...

so. there's that. that's just the tip of the iceberg of my thoughts, processing, & sorting for the day.

i wish i could find a place to just fit. haha. michael w. smith's "place in this world" just popped into my head... that's exactly how i feel. yet not quite...

man! and this is just a small glimpse into my psyche! i should say that i am doing quite well. im just running at 100mph...

and it's not helping that im popping up onto people's radars (that i dont necessarily want to be on) and that my dreams are making me go a little crazy.

so. there's all of that. tomorrow me & some friends are heading up to the mall for a bit of christmas shopping. me. shopping. i just crawled out of my skin thinking about it. i know it'll be fun. i just need to focus...

so. once again, thank you all for reading. if any of this makes sense to you, maybe im not so crazy after all!

or maybe we both are...

ok! a little fun to throw in here...!

i survived my trip to michigan! not like it was something that needed to be survived, but i had a great time!

it's a really long drive. really. we left the city around 2pm & pulled in around 815pm. i was so tired & my eyes were so sore from driving at night in a deer infested area. after possibly 5 bathroom/snack stops we made it. and it was great!

time was spent with family & friends & pounds of food were eaten! heck, we even had a few moments to just sit back & enjoy each other's company.

thanksgiving was filled with food & football! the football part was new to me, but the food was tasty & delicious :)

it was a ton of fun meeting new people & being welcomed so warmly into a group of such great people! we played a few games, drank some beer, ate some food, told some GREAT stories! (oh man... stories are fun.)

anyway. like all good things, they must end in someone sick. ugh... :p

a day that involves a donut for breakfast. curly fries & a soda for lunch. buffalo chicken wings for dinner. and NO SLEEP. oh, let's add a day full of shopping in there, too. its going to end in awfulness for me. yep. i was so sick. couldnt eat. couldnt necessarily sleep. couldnt really do much of anything without feeling sick to my stomach. and then the stress of actually being sick & making sure that everyone else is ok... geez! all of that piled up & ka-BLAM! i am sick!

i was so bummed because they were deep-frying chicken & it just sounded so good. however... my stomach just couldnt handle it. so, i downed some sprite & ate some chicken noodle soup & ended up being somewhat ok.

at least i have some tips for next time: LAUREN! DO NOT GO TO BED AT 4AM WHEN YOU KNOW YOUR BODY WILL WAKE YOU UP AT 7AM! IT IS NOT A GOOD IDEA!!!!!!

there. i think that advice will stick with me... :)

so. it was good. heck, he's still dating me so i mustve done something right ;)

anyway. ill post a pic at the bottom. it's kinda sweet... :)

but. if you could please keep praying. still have applications out everywhere. still looking for a job. still feeling a little anxious about that.

alright blog readers. thanks for your reading. and kindness. im slowly finding out that more & more people are reading my blog. it changes my life to hear that. thanks for caring :)


(i will say this: my boyfriend can grow a pretty great beard.)
alright. so i have 2 posts brewing in me, & i figured id share about my latest journeys in the 2nd post.

SO... here goes.

so, i blogged awhile back about being too sensitive at times & how im trying to figure & work that all out.

well. now i feel like im stuck in a new spot. now it's me trying to figure out, ok. this thing that the person just said really actually hurt my feelings. but the thing is... i think that was actually hurtful. and i dont think im being too sensitive about it.

well shoot. what do you do about that? it's really difficult! there have been a few things lately & im just trying to sort it all out... i dont want to always want to be the one who has to tell someone that what they said was mean. and i also dont want to be known as the one whose feelings are always hurt. that's annoying. and i dont want to be that person.

(sidenote: im totally not innocent in this. i know that i have my fair turns & fair share of saying not nice things. i totally get that.)

however. i feel like i need a way to calmly say that my feelings are actually hurt. and that im not overreacting. and that it was a legitimate unkind thing to say.

ugh. that's the worst. all of it. it's one of those things that im obviously still trying to sort out. and im not sure if im succeeding or failing. but i think it counts that im at least trying?...

so. there's that. i know that i tend to be a sensitive person. but. i also know that i dont want to always necessarily be the butt of jokes. i just cant handle that all of the time....

thanks for listening. i'll be posting another one right after this.