Saturday, May 28, 2011

love wins?

maybe you are familiar with it, and maybe you arent, but i have finally finished the book "Love Wins" by rob bell. 

the only reason that i bought it & read it when it was first released was because of  all the controversy surrounding it. if there is one thing that christians can do it is start up a firestorm & make more people see the movie, or read the book, just because there may be a hint of controversy surrounding it. so thank you everyone for freaking out about this book. 

its taken me awhile to read. i usually breeze through books like the world's ending, but this one made my brain explode every time i sat down to read it. the questions that rob bell was asking were SO intense & thought-provoking that i just needed to have some time to process it all. they werent bad by any means, but they definitely sent me spinning in them for a bit. which was definitely a good thing.

before i really start writing about the book i just want to say first & foremost that i do not claim to know everything by ANY means. because i know that i dont. im not a schooled theologian. i dont have a masters in biblical studies. i just know what i feel the Lord has put on & into my heart. i may be wrong. what i type might not completely go alongside with what you believe. and i think that that is ok. and like i said... im probably wrong. but i know that if i am that the Lord will convict me & guide me to maybe what is right. or we may never know... 

that all being said.

i loved this book. i loved it. i feel like i am the type of person that this book is meant for. its meant for someone who just need to hear about the love of Christ. That there is more to Him than anger & judgment & wrath & ...

i underlined this book like it was going out of style. while nannying i repeatedly had to tell the girls that only mommys & daddys & laurens write in books. that they do not! 

ill probably just write out a few of the lines that meant something to me. They came along the more i read.

and can i just say this? im not seeing the controversy in the book. there are moments where i felt like maybe something was too far-fetched, but that doesnt mean that it isnt possible. God can do anything, right? Oh, and never once did i feel that Rob Bell was preaching universalism. really. my theory? read the book with an open mind before you go on judging it... im just saying...

moving on.

this book spoke about love. love. in a way that i have only ever heard once before. ", by its very nature, is freedom. For there to be love, there has to be the option, both now and then, to not love." 
     I dont want a friend to love me because they have to. i dont want to be in a relationship where someone loves me because of something other than who i am. and i think that that goes the same for the Lord. He loves us just because that's who He is. And i think that its this beautiful thing that we choose to love Him. Why would He make us love Him? That just doesnt make sense to me.

"Could God say to someone truly humbled, broken, & desperate for reconciliation, "Sorry, too late"? Many have refused to accept the scenario in which somebody is pounding on the door, apologizing, repenting, and asking God to be let in, only to hear God say through the keyhole: "Door's locked. Sorry. If you had been here earlier, I could have done something. But now, it's too late." 
--Ok. this may be where it gets a bit tricky. i know that some of you are reading this & thinking that im some crazed hippie. Here's the deal... this is also where it gets complicated for me. If God loves everyone, and i believe that He does, then would He be able to do that? I mean God is God, & He can do everything... but would He? If He wants all of us to be with Him & rejoice in & with Him, then wouldnt it make sense that He would open the door?

Yes, i understand that that may not be a "theologically correct" statement, BUT its definitely a question im asking myself & one that im wrestling with. For me, i dont feel like it is a "quitting the faith" type of statement, but i think that its one to think about & search out. It makes complete sense to me, but then again the Lord that i know in my life right now is Love. 


this next one really stuck with me:
"... the cross and resurrection are personal. This cosmic event has everything to do with how every single one of us lives every single day. It is a pattern, a rhythm, a practice, a reality rooted in the elemental realities of creation, extending to the very vitality of our soul." 
     That's completely true. they are both very personal things. yes there are some foundational truths that christians as a whole believe, but i think that at the end of the day, everyone's journey... everyone's experience with the Lord is different.

"People come to Jesus in all sorts of ways." yep. enough said.

"When your God is love, and you have experienced this love in flesh & blood, here & now, then you are free from guilt and fear and the terrifying, haunting, ominous voice that whispers over your shoulder, "Youre not doing enough." The voice insists that God is, in the end, a slave driver."  
     That is how i have experienced what i thought to be the Lord. I was filled with guilt & shame & fear that what i was doing was not enough. That there was no way that i could get into heaven cursing like that... or listening to music like that... or thinking like that... or any number of things. But that is not the God that i know now. The God that i experience now is one of love... and grace. Yes, i will mess up. Yes, i will make the wrong choice where i shouldve maybe made the right one. But isnt there grace for that? Isnt there the freedom to make those decisions? Ive had a few really tough conversations about that a few months ago, and i think of them often. Maybe im wrong? Maybe what im really seraching into right now is just too lovey dovey for some. But for me, i need that. 
a summer ago i just started making some really bad decisions, and had a dear friend walk through it with me. it was a season where i knew that what i was doing was wrong, but walked through it anyway. my friend wrote me a note (that i stumbled upon the other day) and said that she felt like i was walking into a trap, but that i knew i was walking into a trap. and she was completely right. i had made definite decisions the day before & was ready for what was thrown my way. Now, if she had come to me & shamed me & guilted me into doing the right thing, honestly? i wouldve done the complete opposite. i wouldve gone out & dont stupid things & had to pay the price for the end. However, she came to me with love... and grace... and i could see it in her & i could sense it in her words. i dont know if ive ever really said it, but im so thankful for it. I knew that in the end that she would love me no matter what i decided to do. Does that make me an awful person for using that? I dont think that i used it... i just did really what i had to do. there were some things that i needed to experience & go through, and i am so thankful to say that truly... TRULY... the Lord saved me. I felt the hand of the Lord through the entire thing. LOVINGLY guiding me... and saving me in moments where i couldnt save myself. All of that to say... in my life right at this moment, the last thing that i need in my life is more guilt. i dont think that that is from the Lord. At least that is not the Lord that i know & experience right now...

One thing that i really enjoyed about this book is how Rob Bell approached the delivering of the "Good News". 

"So when the gospel is diminished to a question of whether or not a person will 'get into heaven,' that reduces the good news to a ticket, a way to get past the bouncer and into the club. The good news is better than that. ...Life has never been about just 'getting in.' Its about thriving in God's good world. It's stillness, peace, and that feel of your soul being at rest, while at the same time its about asking things, learning things, creating things, and sharing it all with others who are finding the same kind of joy in the same good world."
     Ive often wondered about that... the "scare tactics" that are used in " winning people for the Lord." Are their hearts truly changed or are they just afraid of the very thing that will save them? I dont want to rely on that. I dont want to love & get to know that Lord. I know that the Lord has anger & wrath & all of those other attributes, but i wonder about what He would think about that? Would you want someone to love you because youre afraid that they will condemn you to hell forever if you dont? I know i dont want that for myself, so why would i explain it that way to others? i wouldnt... i know that that part is real, but so are both sides. You also have to explain the loving Lord. I know that goes both ways...

So what did i learn from this book? i learned that the Lord loves. Having known the Lord that condemns if you dont read your bible & pray every day (which i think that that is just a view of the Lord that people use to scare into line) i need to know another side of Him. I need to know that He loves me & will continue to love me & offer grace not IF i mess up, but WHEN i mess up. because i do. and i will continue to do so. 

So my final thoughts? i really enjoyed it for what it was. i felt that the controversy surrounding it was completely unnecessary, but i think that it can be used for good. Heck, i went out and bought the book because of it. and the book and the controversy surrounding it has been all over the news & in magazine articles. i feel like now is the time for Christians as a whole to show the love of the Lord & not look down or condemn others because they may believe differently. I dont think that he was saying that we dont need to go out & continue sharing the love that the Lord offers. I didnt get that at all. 

So that's what i hope to go out & keep doing... or at least try to do. love. love the best that i can. love those who dont get that sort of love from the church. love those who maybe dont love me back. and let them know that the Lord loves them so much more... because of who they are...

courageously saying that yes, love does win,

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Do you ever wonder...

... if somehow our westernized mindset has completely messed everything up?

that in an effort to make things simpler, that we've actually made things harder?

im reading the book Love Wins by Rob Bell. i know... whoa controversy... but i havent come across that yet.

what i have come across is love. in iits simplest form. its so easy. you just love. nothings else. there's not a set of rules or guidelines that you have to follow. just love. 

its interesting because the people of the old testament lived my law. the 10 commandments. sacrifices. rituals. you name it. 

and then came this man called Christ. He changed everything. a radical. a man who would change the world.

yet the Pharisees still lived by the law. they were the ones coming after Jesus & His followers... asking the questions to basically have Him "prove" that He was the Son of God. 

but i wonder... a lot of people say that they live in love & grace... but do they? do i? do we? 

i will be the first person to say that i do not always follow those rules. but i try. i really do. 

but think about it. "It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery." (galations 5:1)

but how many laws or rules have we picked up after accepting the freedom of Christ? does the verse go... "for it is by reading your bible every day that you are saved?" does it read "go to church every sunday & your name will be written in the book of Life? 

or does it read this...

"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith-and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God-not by works, so that no one can boast." (ephesians 2:8,9)

now dont get me wrong. i think that reading your bible & praying are crucial to growing in your faith.

But... that is not what will save me. that will not make me any better than anyone else. 

if i learn anything from reading this book it will be that love wins. really. maybe not in the context that he is writing about. but in the context of the Lord i believe just that. that the Lord is love. and to love others is to love the Lord. 

that's what ive got right now. that's what i know. that's what i hope for. 

so courageously willing to keep on being wrong... or maybe sometimes right...

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Ugh. So ever since blogger went down i have not been able to sign in. so finally i had to download a new internet browser, & it has solved my problem. for now. im not happy about it by any means, but it will do for now.

so anyway, i received a few questions from some friends & typed them up. There are still some others that i havent gotten around to answering, SO if you dont see any of yours up, no worries. i will get to them shortly. 

ps: whoever the anonymous person who left the comment about where babies come from is... i laughed at that one. but unfortunately (or fortunately?) for you, i wont be answering that one. sorry.

without further ado...

Here's my question: Is it hard for you to be that honest? Are you worried about what people will think of you that knew you when you were the girl that you were in the past? Does this even make sense? hahah! We'll see!

To answer your questions, is it hard to be honest? not really. its really all that ive got, so i may as well use it to its full potential. its the story that the Lord has given me to share with the world. . . who i am to deny that to someone who may need to hear it?

That all being said, yes i am sometimes worried about what people, who know the "old me", will think. i was talking with an old friend of mine, & he told me this: "Lauren. no matter what you try to tell yourself, youre still the same ol' lauren. you havent changed a bit."

whoa. who knew that words could sting so much? dont people want us to change & grow?

i think that certain people have certain perceptions about who i am based on who i used to be. So when they try to speak into my life & offer up advice, its hard because i know that theyre not talking to me. . . to the me that ive become. theyre talking to the lauren that they know. and its hard because i want to bless them somehow & say thank you for being a part of my life at one point, but i also want to tell them to shut the hell up! because they dont necessarily know what theyre speaking into. and that's where it gets tricky.

so its a fine line. usually i just keep my mouth shut via electronic communication, but then i just talk it out with the BFF who somehow brings me back to sanity... :)

i will say this. there are some people who i let speak in still... i could probably name them on 1 hand, but its good advice nonetheless... :)

Ok. the honesty bug always gets the best of me. frig.

so Kaitlyn had asked if its ever hard to be honest... yes. but maybe not about what you may think...

In order to be honest i have to just sit down, write, & post. thats it. no editing. no spell check. no nothing. i just sit & write.

and that is hard because i am so afraid of coming across as dumb. or naive. or not smart. or. . . anything else. . .

so often times i get really insecure about repeating myself, or using incorrect punctuation or improper grammar. i know that may sound ridiculous, but i am pretty insecure about that.

so those are two things about my blog that make me nervous. that people who used to know me will put me back into that box, & that people will judge me based on my swift typing of the blog. . . 

what did u want to be when u were a kid?

What did i want to be when i was a kid? Its funny because i just admitted this to my dear friend a couple of months ago...

When i was younger what i really wanted to was win an academy award... that's one of the things that ive really ever wanted.

In 8th grade we had to make a presentation of what we wanted to be when we grew up. I slapped on a few pictures of famous actors & actresses (the only one i remember is a pic of Jennifer Love Hewitt!) and presented away. I dont think that anyone was really surprised about my career choice...

Ive always enjoyed acting. When i was in 5th grade i played the main in the school's production of Beauty & the Beast. It was just a one week put the production together sort of thing, but i thrived off of it. And then when i was a freshman in high school, it was the first year that we started putting on musicals again. I excitedly tried out, & played a town girl in our production of 7 Brides for 7 Brothers. I loved every minute of it. . . well minus all of the high school drama that goes on backstage.

My biggest acting moment came for me when i was a jr. in high school.

Auditions were being held at the beginning of the school year for the musical, & i put my heart & soul into it. I knew that since i was only a jr that i probably wouldnt get a big part, but i wanted to go for it. I knew that if i did i could maybe get a minor major role.

I remember them announcing the cast over the intercom at the end of, i THINK it was history class. It was announced that i would have the understudy role of Sandra Dee in our school's production of Grease...! I was literally crying. I was so excited to be able to be doing 2 things that i loved to do (act & sing) in front of an audience. I was only the understudy so i had 2 of the 5 shows, but i didnt care. It was as if somehow a part of my dream came true. The even better part was that when i wasnt playing Sandy, that i got to play the part of Viola, the soda shop waitress! I didnt care what part i was playing, because i was doing what i loved. Even as a waitress with maybe 5 lines, i still felt like i had the respect of my peers. It was something that ive always loved doing.

These days, my acting involves me pretending i know what im talking about when someone comes up & asks me if i know anything about a table saw! haha!

I will say this... i still have dreams about winning an academy award. But theyre just that... dreams.

Every year i sit & watch the Oscars & usually cry when someone wins. Their speeches are sometimes more wonderful than their roles in the movie that they starred in! But i get so wrapped up in it & somehow, sometimes it feels as if im there.

Maybe someday~

if u ran into the 10 year old version of yourself, would she be disappointed in you?   
And would my 10 year old self be disappointed in me...? Hmm... that's a tricky question. I know what my gut tells me, but i also know what maybe the truth or the "right answer" is.

My first gut answer was Yes. Yes, i do think that my 10 year old self would be disappointed in me. Why? Oh where do i begin...

I had such great dreams for myself when i was younger. Ok, so maybe they werent great, but they were mine. I wanted a simple life. I wanted to marry my high school sweetheart, get married, & have a ton of kids. I was going to live in southern MN with my best friend, Christina, & we were going to grow old as neighbors and raise our kids & take care of our husbands.

WHOA!! That is NOT what my life is looking like at ALL! There are definitely moments where i look at my life and grieve my old dreams... the old life that i wanted for myself. And i still do want parts of that for myself. I still want to be married & have a wonderful family, but i also want to be healthy.

Being at this place in my life right now, i mean there is no way that i can go back to where i was 3 years ago let alone 14 years ago. I am where i am, & its not what i necessarily dreamed for myself, but its what ive got. and im going with that. And in the end i think that its probably better than what i couldve ever dreamed for myself anyway~

I just hope that the 24 year old can keep giving me grace in another 14 years. . .


If you could go back in time 1 yr what advice would you give yourself?

Run. stay inside. harden your heart. just say no. go to work. go home. dont speak to anyone. if someone asks you about yourself, or for your number or email address or... just say no.

because life is easier that way. you wont have to learn anything. you can stay in you small bubble, lead a smaller life, & hope that there's grace for you.

That's what i wouldve told myself a year ago. Since i received that question, ive done nothing but think about what my year ago looked like. i was just starting at sears, meeting new friends, & making awesomely awful decisions. Let me rephrase... the choices that i made arent that awful. really. in the long run & compared the others, theyre pretty tame. However, for me... it was a bit rough.

i learned a lot of things the hard way, & had always hoped, & even thought, that i was better than that. that i didnt need to go out into the world & wreak havoc. I could just go out there, do my thingm & be ok with that.

Here's the kicker... i wouldnt be who i am now without experiencing those things. I wouldnt have known & felt the true love & grace that i experience now. Maybe there was another way for me to learn all of it, but maybe not. Maybe it would be harder now... either way. Im thankful that i know those things, but wish i couldve learned an easier way...

Another great thing that i learned through this past year was that my love for the Lord kind of won. I always knew that i loved the Lord, but i always wondered what would happen when i had to choose between loving the Lord & loving someone else...

and my love for the Lord prevailed. I couldnt turn my back on everything that i had learned, & how i had grown. It was hard. I was a broken person... but i learned valuble things. and i grew... so much more than i couldve ever thought.

So that's what i would tell myself. I would tell myself to run away, and harden my heart, and just go to work and then go home... because that's easy. and its not hard. But knowing me... i probably wouldnt listen to myself anyway...

courageously being really annoyed at having to type this out on a different browser,

Thursday, May 12, 2011

i know. its me again. but i figured that if you didnt want to hear from me, that you wouldnt read my blog! so booya! 


anyway. i have been thinking all morning & came up with kind of an idea. . . 

i have this writing bug in me & cannot get it out. i want to write & write but have nothing really great to write about. SO. enter my blogging/facebook/twitter world friends.

do you have a question for me? is there something that youre itching to ask? whas my favorite color? my celeb crush? my thoughts on gay marriage? do i really think the world will end in 2012? 

well, here is your chance. ask away. please be sensitive & not ask me what my deepest darkest secret is. i probably wont answer that one. 

but feel free to tweet a question to me (LVO87), facebook me, email me ( or leave a comment on my blog. if you want to remain nameless & not have me know that you asked me a certain crazy question, then feel free to leave a comment on my blog as anonymous. i wont be offended. just a little bit annoyed. 

so have at it. give it a go. ask away. ill try to be as honest as i can be. yet ill try to be as sensitive & kind as i can be too. im human. 

courageously telling you all to go for it,

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

So. i was washing a couple of dishes & my brain started to wander. 

i started thinking about some words of advice... yep. ill call them that... that a friend gave to me the other night. my friend thought that they would be helpful, & they were, but the situation we were talking about is so much more complex than what they know....

ok. anyway. that's not the point. the point is, the advice that i was given has stuck with me & im trying to find a place for it. the only thing thats tricky about the whole thing is that i wanted to ask them if they could apply that to their life. i wanted to ask if they were telling that more for me... or more for themselves. 

so it got me thinking. how often do i get advice or comments from other people, that really have nothing to do with my situation? how often are people trying to tell themselves the truth through their words to me? 

and then i got thinking even more! how often do i do that? how often do i tell people things that i want to believe, too? 

a friend of mine had told me the other day that sometimes she tells people that she will pray for them, & then forgets about it. she seemed heartbroken about it. . . that somehow she had let those people down. 

i told her that the Lord knows our hearts & i just hope that He honors those thoughts that i have. 

now. yes, i told her that for her because that's how i feel. however, it was as if i was telling myself the same thing. i know that in that moment i was telling myself the same thing. i was giving myself my own advice.

there were people when i was younger who gave me pretty good advice. i mean i never had anyone really steering me in the wrong direction.

however. sometimes there are subjects & thoughts & feelings that you just need to find someone who can relate to you. there are definite moments where i wish i had someone like that in my life growing up. . . really at any moment in my life. someone who i really related to & could go to with anything.

i have that in my life now. and im so thankful for that. because sometimes it is just nice to know that someone is as fucked up as you. that someone is honest & real & willing to be open about their hurts. their hang-ups. and just be real.

i dont always want to hear what a good christian would do. i dont always want to hear advice. sometimes you just need someone to meet you where you are. and love you. and just sit with you. and cry with you.

now i am not a hug kind of person. yes i have my moments with the little kiddos where i can just snuggle with them all day but if you need a hug, please... dont call me. anyway. a couple of months ago i felt like i got slapped in the face & punched in the stomach. i didnt know what to do & was at my breaking point. and it was super late at night and everyone at home was tired. and my dear, dear friend heard me crying. and instead of trying to fix everything or attempt to make it better, she met me where i was. she hugged me. and sat with me. and said nothing other than that she loves me. 

and im totally sitting here sobbing thinking about it because it meant so much to me.

she met me where & when i needed it the most. 

i wonder how different the world would be if we all did that? if instead of trying to fix everything & everything we would be able to lay down our own thoughts & ideas & preconceived notions & just meet people where they are... and love them.

now. im not saying that advice is bad. and im thankful that they gave me the advice that they did. im just wondering what would happen if we listened to our own advice. or what would happen if we didnt give advice. 

and maybe listened? i dont think anyone reading this could tell me that they didnt want someone listening to them. and meeting them where they are... hang-ups & all.

courageously trying to meet & listen,

Monday, May 9, 2011

ok. i feel as if i have been lying to the both of us since the last time i updated my blog. 

underneath my picture, there is an excerpt from a poem written my Mary Oliver from Thirst, a book of poems. (the title is More Beautiful than the Honey Locust Tree Are the Words of the Lord #7.)

i love that poem. i love the whole book. it was my entry point into her writings, & it will always hold a special place in my heart. 

anyway. sometimes that is how i feel. sometimes, when im at my lowest of lows and know that im as small as i can be, that is all that i want. to be the smallest stone in a ring worn by those who are brave. 

and then there are times where i just want to live the biggest life that the Lord will give me. 

i told a friend that i wanted to live a big life... he told me that he knew i wanted that. that i wanted something bigger & better in my life. and that i could have just that. (i hope you know who you are~)

anyway. that's what i want. i want to live a big life. and i know the cost of it. i know that it will not be easy. but i feel like im ready for it. ready for something greater than myself. 

So. back to the point of this post. i feel that by putting out there that i would be content with something anything less than what i want, is not what is true to me or my heart. and every time i go to type up a post, i see that excerpt & it just doesnt sit right with me. 

so. what do i decide to do?

i decide to bear my heart just a little bit more. thats what i do. i share my heart in hopes that someone. . . anyone. . . can be blessed by it. or learn or grow from it. to maybe learn from my mistakes. or my little stories that i have to bring.

so there it is. its a "lauren original." and its my heart. so be gentle. its a fragile thing. but its big. and has moments of strength. 

thank you dear readers for challenging me. . . even when you dont even know it~

courageously telling the truth,

Sunday, May 8, 2011

ok. i went to church today. it was good. it's always good...

but. i dont have much to share about it. im just letting it sink in and hopefully being open to what the Lord has for me. 

instead ill share this with you. i stumbled upon it again last night, and it does something different in me every time i read it.

its an excerpt from a book about Bono. (Bono: In Conversation with Michka Assayas) I read it while i was in Ireland, & it changed my life. seeing someone with the same beliefs as me, but living in complete freedom... WOW. it was amazing to me. i just ordered it from amazon... im excited to pick it up again. i can 99% say that i believe i will see Bono in heaven some day. why only 99%? im not God. 

So. here is the link. click it. read it. enjoy it. buy the book. read it. enjoy that. 

Ill leave you with a quote that resounded in me the most: "I'd be in big trouble if Karma was going to finally be my judge. I'd be in deep shit. It doesn't excuse my mistakes, but I'm holding out for Grace. I'm holding out that Jesus took my sins onto the Cross, because I know who I am, and I hope I don't have to depend on my own religiosity."

AH! I just realized i didnt include the link! Worst 

blogger ever!! Click HERE!!! to read the full excerpt! 

courageously enjoying a relaxing sunday,

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Ok. so all i want to do is write. and write. and write. 

but i have no inspiration. at least no inspiration that i want to really write about. 

where do you all get your inspiration from?

i went to a friend's art show at a local coffee shop. i walked in, ordered a yin yang (a white & milk chocolate mocha. yum.) anyway. it was so great seeing her. she is so sweet & kind and i knew that her art was going to be wonderful.

and it was. she wrote up a little bit about her art & what she was trying to convey through her art. after reading that, i looked at her works... amazing. i was literally moved to tears. there is something about art, whether it be writing, painting, music, etc. when it's good it it supposed to convey some sort of emotion. and it was good. i felt deeply moved by it. through her paintings she revealed her life. i could see her feelings. her tears. her heart. i could see her. 

that is what i want. when i sit down to blog, i want people to see my heart.  i want people to see the person that ive become. im not who a lot of you think that i am anymore. ive changed my whole life. i feel that i am the person that the Lord originally created me & intended for my life to be. 

So what is the point of all of this? im not sure. im looking for inspiration. something to keep me writing. im not going to stop, but im needing to find something that keeps working in & through me. 

So what's your inspiration? what changes your life? what moves you towards emotion? what is something greater than yourself that you cant wait to share with others?

that's what im looking for. that's what im waiting for. 

im heading up to church tomorrow. by myself. big deal! anyway. im hoping to find my inspiration there. for the Lord to move me the way that He faithfully does.

if you click this link, it will take you to my friend's art site where you can view her work. i love it. im so thankful to know her~!

courageously looking for inspiration,

Friday, May 6, 2011


the air is damp. 
pregnant with the world's sorrows.
pregnant with mine.

the sky holds them close to its heart.
not wanting to let them go.

not wanting to lose something so safe,
yet so tragic.

but somehow when it can no longer hold the
weight of the world, the air releases its tears.

all joined together

to cleanse the world.

courageously saying that ive obviously had maybe too much to drink & posting random excerpts, that ive written, from my journal,


Wednesday, May 4, 2011

alright. so im wanting to be a bit light-hearted today, but wanting to just say a few words. 

lately ive been really trying to maintain 1 common thread with all of my blogs: honesty. and ive done that, to a point where people are commenting & emailing me. and that's great. really. i love hearing from my readers. its nice to know that people care enough to take the time.

that being said. i only ask a couple of things from you. i ask for your kindness. i ask for your grace. i ask that you try to leave your judgments at the door. i know it may seem like a lot, but i am pouring my heart out here. and i want to continue being as honest as i can. because right now, i feel like that is the story that the Lord is wanting me to tell. a raw & honest truth. 

So thank you. 

So what i was going to do was post a few excerpts from a new book that i had received in the mail the other day. but im starting to think that i dont want to... 

ive highlighted a few lines from it & the more i think about it, the more personal they become to me. Theyre speaking to me in such an intimate way that only the Lord can do, that im just not wanting to share those thoughts right now.

ok. i need to just sign out now. i dont have anything great to say. and i feel as if im wasting good blog space. so there you have it.

courageously not saying anything exciting,

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

"We have to give up our names, our 

reputations, our lives to speak the 


                                      -Jim Caviezel

sometimes that is how i feel every. single. time. i sit down to blog...

courageously trying to keep it honest,


Sunday, May 1, 2011

alright blog readers. its sunday. and that means i went to church and i received what i hope is from the Lord.

Now, i will say that there were different aspects to my experience this morning, and im only going to touch on one because i am waiting for a strong yet clear revelation from the Lord. And as honest as i try to be here, this is not a place for this type of honesty yet~

So. Last week Pastor Mick has told us that the next sunday (this sunday) would be a communion service. wow. i was really excited about it? Why? well, in all of the few times that i have attended this church i had never been to a communion service. Also, he was SO EXCITED about it! 

now, when i usually think communion service i think of lights being dimmed. guitars slowly (and quietly) being strummed, and people around me with their heads bowed, & tears being shed. 

i did not experience that this sunday. i experienced life. and grace. and life again! 

we ate the bread. we drank of the juice. we ate the bread again. and drank again. and again. and again. until it was gone. we had a mini-meal. we prayed for ourselves. for deliverance. we prayed for our friends. for deliverance. we prayed for our country. for deliverance. we prayed for . . . for deliverance. 

we prayed for deliverance. 

because isnt that how the passover started? 

"So Moses said, 'This is what the LORD says: 'About midnight I will go throughout Egypt. Every firstborn son in Egypt will die, from the firstborn son of Pharaoh, who sits on the throne, to the firstborn son of the slave girl, who is at her hand mill, and all the firstborn of the cattle as well." -Exodus 11:4-5

the Exodus. its about the LORD. . . Yahweh. . . I AM. . . delivering His people out of slavery & into freedom. 

THAT is what i feel the Passover is about. The LORD delivering His chosen people from slavery. . . from the wrath of Pharaoh. . . 

and that is what He did. 

Granted there is a whole other story to be finished, but here's the kicker. The LORD came to set us free. . . period. Free from ourselves. free from our sin. free from our past. free from. . . insert anything here. . . 

"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery." -Galations 5:1

The LORD did not set us free to be set under another ruler. . . to have to live under the rule of gossip. . . addiction. . . guilt. . . shame. . . etc. . . 

the LORD set us free to just be free. to live a life with Him. . . to Glorify Him. . . to rejoice with Him. . . 

i had a bit of clarity today. . . i know my yoke. my burden. and im not sure what to do about it yet. i do know that there is a choice to be made, but im not sure what the is yet. 

so please pray. pray for revelation. that the Lord would show me & guide me. that i would know what to do & when to do it. and that He would give me the strength that i need. 

i am so grateful to have been a part of such a wonderful service today. 

Oh! I forgot one of the best parts. i was able received the weight of my burden today because at the beginning of the service i felt one thing. the thing that had been missing last week: Hope. I felt the LORD stirring in me & filling me with the one thing that had been lacking... i was & am so grateful for that~

so there you have it. there is a part of my sort-of revelation from church this morning... im thankful for it... for now... ;)

courageously attempting to hold onto hope,