Not one of those posts...

So lately my posts have seemed a little more sorrowful than usual. Not necessarily more sorrowful, but they seem to have more of a sadness to them. 

Well, im here to assure you. In case you may have doubted at any moment, I am holding strong to the promises that God has given me. Thankfully its not between you and me, but Him & me. 

Now, i dont say that to be mean or bitchy or anything like that, but it helps release me from any unspoken pressure or guilt. 

Im slowly learning that its OK for me to learn to love God again, and OK to learn to trust Him again. Now, once again, im not saying that God has done anything to not let me trust him. What i am saying is that in my own humanity i have decided to blame everything on God. My thoughts were of thanking God for ruining my life, and for letting those certain people in my life ruin me the way that they did. Like a hey, thanks for cutting me off on the freeway kind of thank you. 

These past few months have been months of death (not physical), mourning, brokenness, aching, etc. THAT is what i had been thanking God for. Thank you God for messing up what i thought to be my perfect life. I lived in a state where i felt accepted, i had the best job ever, i had met a guy who liked me, and i was doing pretty good. So of course my thinking was God, how dare you try to mess up this great thing that i have going. 

HA! What a laugh. Yes, it was the best job i had ever had, yes i loved the state of Alaska, yes the guy did like me but its not like that was really going to go anywhere...

Let's take a sidestep here quick: remember the story of the Israelites & Pharaoh? How the Israelites were never going to see how great and amazing God was if He didnt harden Pharaoh's heart to show them his wonderfulness? AND, how they thought that they would have been better off if they just stayed under his ruling instead of wasting away in the desert?? THAT is how I felt. I have been living the life of an ungrateful Israelite. 

I was wishing that I had been back under the ruling of Pharaoh even him being as awful as he was. Why? Because i was OK! I was doing really well. On the outside, with all of my issues being masked and forgotten about, i seemed to  look as if i had most, if not all of it together. Thankfully God had a desert in mind...

Yes, it has been hard. No, it has not been fun or easy. I have spent numerous hours crying, begging and pleading for the Lord to just come and end this. There has only been one moment in my life where i truly wished that i would die, and that was during this season. Not die to die, but for this just all to end. Now, that may seem a bit dramatic to some of you, but until you are there its a hard thing to understand. Thankfully, that moment was what it was. A moment. Literally a moment... i have amazing friends~

Im thankful that i am now in a place where i am experiencing (for the first time ever) the TRUE PEACE that surpasses all understanding. Its true. I dont understand where this is coming from. I have been so calm lately and have not been reacting to things the way that i normally would. Whoa. Who is this person? Where did she come from?

Now, im not saying that i have it altogether. i dont. please dont think that for even a second. However, im getting there. Im maybe even a little more than ok right now. I might even be doing really well. But that doesnt mean that im not still dealing with issues. i am. we all are. i may just be doing a little better than i was before~

Today has been a day where i feel like all i have done is rambled, and that is what i feel like im doing here. But it all makes sense. Im in the process of sorting and moving things around. Making room for something new and great. God hasnt brought me this far to just sit back and do nothing, and im thankful that He knows how much i can and cannot handle. Im not preparing or bracing myself for a big F5 tornado, but maybe just a light rain with a little lightning thrown here and there... the kind of lightning that doesnt bring thunder with it....

So thats what im doing. im preparing and prepping my mind, heart, soul, and body for something new. Im not needing to remove bandages, apply peroxide, and apply MORE bandages to my wounds. RIght now im just sitting back, and marveling at how well the skin can come back together, and just let my wounds get a little air... a little life back in them again.

Im breathing... the breath of life....

Courageously letting my wounds dry,

Lauren