Here Goes

I have had 2 posts brewing and stirring in my mind for the last couple of days. I sit down to write, and off they go. They are thrown from my mind into the abyss that is staring right back at me. Why is this? Why is it that when I sit down to write, my mind goes blank and I have an immediate reaction to just stop what I'm doing. 


Maybe it's just so overwhelming with all of the words and thoughts and ideas that are running through my mind. So much is going on in my mind, but Im not going to blog about everything. 


Maybe its so overwhelming to think of who may be reading this. People who have hurt me in the past are reading this, and I am not comfortable sharing my life with them. Some people gets bits & pieces, but there are some that will never hear anything from my life except for what they read here, or what other people tell them.


Maybe it's the fear that I am not an amazingly eloquent writer. I have friends who can write words that speak beauty and depth and understanding into my life. I do not have those words... that is not my gift. Yes. The fear of rejection. I think that's what it boils down to...


So what do I do about this? Do i just press against the sharp points and write and see how it is received? Or do I decide that maybe im just not called to write; therefore, I will stop. Hm... that's a good question. One that i do not have an answer to. 


As I sit here and think, my mind is overwhelmed. I want my words to be great and bring a hope and joy, and love and peace, and... to people, but usually all i bring is conflict. Maybe not conflict, but words that tend to get me into trouble. i tend to think that it's OK for me to bring my thoughts and feelings places. It is, right? Well, that's a question that I'm answering. Is it really OK? Do people want me, or just what they think is the real me? Will people be disappointed if I write that maybe I dont read my Bible every day? Yes. Some people will be. They wont say that directly, but they will think it. Will some people be shocked to hear that Im going to codependents anonymous meetings every Tuesday night? YES. Some people will be shocked to read that. Is it OK for me to say this or is that a part of me that will be laughed at and ridiculed for? But wait. Why would people laugh at me for trying to make my life better? Well, that's another great question. One that I dont have an answer for. 


So you may be asking... what is the point of this post? What is it that Im trying to convey to my audience. The answer is... i dont know. i dont know what im trying to say. i dont know what point im trying to get across or even if i have a legitimate point. However, I do know this. I know that after I post this blog i am going to feel sick about divulging too much of my life. People's feelings will probably be hurt. I will probably get an email chastising me for singling a person out, even though im not. But most of all, i will feel sick that i am putting a bit of myself out there. Putting myself out there in a way that i cannot see or know the reaction that will be on the other end. Maybe that's better. Maybe it's best to not know how people respond to me. However, ive learned that silence from a person means that they are mad at me. Im not saying hey if you like this post a comment because im completely insecure. What i am saying is that maybe its time for me to branch out and put myself out there again. Maybe this time there will be a different reception to my thoughts and feelings. Maybe it will be the same. Or maybe... it will be the same, but i will be able to respond differently because i am different. i am different. i am different. 


But thats ok... its ok to be different; to be set apart. 


Well here it goes. Here goes me being weak and vulnerable. When I am weak, He is strong~


Courageously trying my best,
Lauren