“This is a spendthrift economy; though nothing is lost, all is spent” – Annie Dillard



isnt that the truth? nothing is wasted...


that's something that i have been thinking about a lot lately. 


sometimes, life is really hard. really. fricking. hard. and sometimes there no use. its not worth it. sometimes its really hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. 


for me, i have to have hope. if there is something that im supposed to do or something that is required of me, i have to have hope that somehow it will all be worked out. if the Lord asks something really difficult of me, i have to hope that somehow it can or will be worked out for good in the end. if that hope isnt there, then neither am i. 


yes. i understand how that may sound somewhat selfish, but i guess it is what it is.


anyway. like i said. ive been thinking about this a lot lately. 


nothing is wasted. my fears. my guilt. my shortcomings. my hurt. my pain. 


i had emailed my friend & told him this. that maybe somehow by writing about our pain, that maybe we're honoring it. not putting it on a pedestal. not stewing in it. not doing anything to it other than saying this is your name. you are a part of my life and i am accepting you for who or what you are. 


maybe its even safe to say that pain can be... a gift...? maybe our pain is the only way that the Lord can speak something new & different & a bit deeper, into our lives. 


pain has been a constant factor in my life for the past few years. some moments have been easier than other. others have been painstakingly hard & im still having to deal with it. sometimes it comes when i least expect it. sometimes i accept the possible pain that the Lord may be putting in my path. Either way... there it is. there it has been & there it will be following me forever. 


now im not saying that i dont have moments of joy as well, but this is something a bit different. 


but when i think about the thought that nothing is wasted... it kind of changes me a bit. it helps me attempt to think about the bigger picture. 


ha... even as i type that out it sounds ridiculous because i dont have it altogether. im not perfect. i dont always see the bigger picture. i am constantly having words with the Lord. giving ultimatums. cursing. telling Him this is how things are done. so i definitely cant always see the bigger picture. and as much as i dont enjoy that, i have to think that there's something greater than me involved & working all things out for good.


that's my hope. that's what i hold onto. and i dont always do that. but its in my heart to... its at the core of me... :) (see previous post if you dont get it...!)


there's a line from an Over the Rhine song that my bff quotes when the topic of pain pops up...


"...And though we love to numb the pain
We come to learn that it's in vain
Pain is our mother
She makes us recognize each other..."

it's true. i think that when we can come together, be honest with our feelings, & just acknowledge our pain... we can see a bit of ourself in others. then we can have grace for each other... and grow... and maybe. 

...just maybe...

it can be used for good in a way that nothing is wasted~

lauren