Alright. 

so ive been wanting to blog about lent for awhile now, but have been very conflicted. i dont always have the right words to say & sometimes the things that i do say come out... well. not ok. 

kindness & grace are welcome.

so, this year i gave up alcohol. my reasons? i wanted to be able to do brave things. hard things. without having to always have liquid courage to go along with it.

so. ive been having hard conversations, going on ferris wheels, etc. as simple as they may seem, they have been extremely difficult for me.

anyway. i have a confession to make: i have broken my lenten fast of alcohol. situations come up, conversations get hard, situations become more than i can handle.

so. one night i celebrated a birthday with a woodchuck. another night i drank 3 sips to scotch to calm my nerves so that i wouldnt be sick. and the other night i had some wine to celebrate a new job for the bf. 

i know that this may seem like a copout, but ive learned a few things about myself through this. ive learned that i can be brave on my own. ive learned that when i say things, that i mean them even if i am sober! 

there have been a few times these past few weeks... days... that ive been really proud of myself. that my honesty isnt always because of the liquid courage coursing through my blood. that's huge for me!

another thing that ive learned about is grace. i know that i broke my fast, but im pretty sure there's grace for that. i know that there's grace for that.

i heard a quote once that said grace isnt being taught properly if it's not being abused. 

now im not using that an excuse, im saying it maybe to make you think.

if there are rules & regulations attached to grace, then what is it? law? rules? 

it's not grace. that's all there is to it.

So. im going to continue to rest in the grace & kindness of the Lord, and be so extremely thankful that He is the one who is filled with that. im completely & utterly human. imperfect & fully aware that my grace runs out. 

so, here's to grace. and me being honest that i will have a drink with the bf on saturday to celebrate his birthday. i wont be having a drink at his actual party, because i know that i need to work on not needing the liquid courage around big groups of people. 

but thankfully there's grace for that. 

and thankfully there's club soda & delicious simple syrups.

alright. as you may know, i gave up alcohol for lent this year. 

i wanted to see how many things i could do without the help of a little liquid encouragement. 

well, let's back this train up a little bit.

the bf's computer crashed? wasnt working? so. he asked if i was able to head up to the city & help him look for a new one. (i secretly wonder if he just wanted an excuse to see me ;)

since i had to wake up earlier this morning for work, i asked if he could meet me halfway then we would drive up together. it worked perfectly! :)

anyway. we headed up to the the mall & decided to grab some dinner, walk around a little bit, & spend a little bit of time looking at computers. 

at dinner, he had wine & i had club soda. he then met up with a friend quick, & ordered a martini. i once again had club soda. 

we went to our favorite place. with our favorite appetizer. and all i could think of was a gin martini. Mmm....

anyway. my mind is clearly on that martini...

so. one of the things that i enjoy doing at the mall, is riding on the rides. 

the only problem is that i am terrified of heights. completely paralyzing fear of heights. 

the last time we were there, i said that i wanted to try out the ferris wheel. we get to the line & i realize that there was no way that i could go on it, but that maybe after another drink i would have the courage to do it! ;)

well. one of the things that i wanted to do during lent was go on the ferris wheel. why? because i know that i would have to do it without any outside factors. 

so we had dinner, walked around a little bit, & decided to grab a couple of ride points & ride the ferris wheel. 

we stood in line for less than a minute, & somehow my legs locked up & it took everything within me to move them forward. when we finally are able to board the ride, the operator asks my name. no big deal. 

we sit down & i immediately start to cry. ugh i felt so dumb. Jason was sitting next to me, & i just couldnt control my tears any longer. 

i held tight to the middle pole, & tried not to completely sob & breakdown anymore than i already had.

so we're sitting there & im slowly calming down when i hear something. wait. the lady who asked me name... did she just say happy birthday, lauren?! what?!?! where in the world did this come from?! 

at first i thought she said "youre doing OK, lauren!" 

nope. i dont think that she had said that. i truly believe she said happy birthday!

i couldnt even believe it. i asked Jason if he had joked with her about it, but nope. it was a completely hilarious misunderstanding!

anyway. by the end of the ride, i was sitting back, looking over the edge, & wishing that it wouldnt end... 

wow.

i can do brave things. i really can. 

i throw myself into situations that i know i'll lose at. i walk thru doors into places where i know i will not succeed. i ride the ferris wheel. 

so. there you have it. i can do things. i can ride the ferris wheel without a drop of alcohol. i can be brave. 

and it felt really good. im afraid to say that i wasnt brave enough to take a picture, but maybe that's because i was too busy kissing the bf. (not a lot. no making out. just a sweet top of the ride kiss. it was nice.)

next up? karaoke. sober. aw yeah, baby!