bravery

Ok. so i have had about 4-5 blog posts in the works these last couple of weeks, and yet i have not felt that they were the "right ones" to post. im not sure what it is. i think its a mixture of having too many thoughts at one time, and being afraid of how they would come across to my readers. that being said, i just need to post this one as soon as i am done typing it and not reread it. Ok. here goes~

So my whole thing about starting this blog was to do big things. to do great things. to document brave & courageous things that i have done, or maybe am thinking about doing. i will admit that i have done some brave things. i have documented some brave things. i have not documented others. 

Well lately i have been thinking about the things that i have been doing that i would normally think of as bravery. the funny thing is, to me they dont feel so brave anymore. its not taking me a big deal of extra effort, because im different. ive changed. i can do big things now! it feels so great! im not losing my mind when i have to go to work in the afternoons on friday. before it completely destroyed me. Now, bring on friday! bring on changes of plans. bring on i dont know... but something!

im not saying that i can do everything. but i am saying that ive grown. i have new tools. new skills. a new outlook on life. 

i made a big decision this past week, and normally i would think of it as this great big brave thing. however, it needs to be done. it doesnt seem like some great big brave action. yes, when i talk to me bff she reminds me that it is. And i understand that it is, but sometimes things need to be done. and sometimes they just feel so right that it doesnt even seem like a brave thing to do. it feels like the right thing~

that being said, im still working hard at working my life out. im still gaining new tools and learning new things. the only difference is that im different. yes i will probably be fighting the same battles out for the rest of my life, and yes they will still be hard. but like i said, the difference is that i am different. i have new tools. skills. wisdom. i feel like a completely different person, but in a good way. and as im typing this im crying because i know that i am a different person. and by different i mean that i feel like i am the original Lauren. im the Lauren the the LORD put here on this earth. ive torn down walls. ive built altars of thanksgiving unto the Lord. i have torn down walls that have separated me from who i was truly meant to be. as im typing this its as if i am having this great revelation about everything. maybe not a revelation, but it just feels so good to get it all out there. its like i could shout from the highest building. 

wow. this has not been the post that i thought it was going to be, but i know that it was needed. i needed to get these words out. there are so many great things going on in my life right now, that i feel as if im offering up incense offerings to the Lord. 

ok. i need to get ready to jet off to work. nannying. in the afternoon. on a friday. a little less than a year ago, this wouldve made my day awful. today? im feeling really great about it. the snow is falling. the girls and i will play for a bit. they will take a nap. and i will remember what all of those feelings felt like, and i will praise and thank the Lord of all for how im feeling right now. 

Please check out this video. 

courageously becoming new~

lauren