Alright. Easter has come & gone, and i find myself putting off my last post of that season... even as i sit here at Caribou i find myself putting it off... doing anything that can distract me...
why have i been putting it off? that's easy. something happened to me during the Easter service this year, and its one of those things where im not sure what it was, and it wasnt necessarily great.
let me start this by saying that i love my church. love it. only place that i have ever... ever... ever truly felt the love of Christ. The only place that i know of that the fruit, by all members of the staff, is good fruit that i cannot get enough of. When i make it up to the cities on a sunday morning, i take it as a gift; a treasure. a well of life that will never run dry... no matter how many times i do or do not attend. the Pastor is wonderful. so full of life, love, grace, kindness, compassion, etc. i could go on forever. So when i say all of those things, and then speak about the sermon, im moreso speaking about what happened to me instead of the actual words that were said. just thought id clarify for a minute :)
Ok. i was sitting in church. wearing my easter best. standing there and worshipping the Lord. hoping. begging. pleading. that somehow the Lord would reach. minister. move my heart in some way shape or form.
and then something came over me. not the usual feeling of hope that comes to me on easter, but the exact opposite.
hopelessness set in. insecurities. fear. insignificance. doubt. shame. worthlessness. failure. insignificance. again.
it all welled up in me before i even knew what to do with it. and i just stood there. i felt like a bag of bones with nothing inside of me, and i kept thinking to myself, "What in the hell is going on? why am i feeling this way? this my my favorite holiday! why? what in the world?!"
i was terrified. but at the same time i had gone into such a strange place there i didnt really have any feeling of terror. i felt calm. too calm. numb? im not sure. but something definitely happened.
and i started to think about it. the pastor was speaking about how God changes people's lives. he heals them. he takes them from their situation and does great things! I know that God! I believe in that God, and trust that He does those things.
However, as i was thinking about it i started to think about where i am and the environment that has been around me. I didnt grow up in a bad home. i was loved. i went to church every sunday. i fought with my siblings, but still liked them. it was OK. i was average. Ok, so there's no big deal...
but then i thought about everything a bit more... i was never a complete crazed Christian. i feel like ive always had somewhat of a realistic outlook on life. so i was never one of those "happy all the time, glass half-full" christians that walked around with my salvation on my sleeve. it just wasnt my style.
So where did/do i fall? well... i feel like i was right in the middle with everything. and i feel like that's where i am right now. nothing special is going on. nothing exciting. im not a super christian, but im flaming atheist either. i just am. and i realized that during the service. and it took me to the following verse:
"I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one of the other! So, because you are lukewarm-neither hot nor cold-I am about to spit you out of my mouth." -Revelation 3:15,16
Those words stuck to & stung me. (And im realizing that it was probably something using those words against me, but there it is.) i felt like i was so easily thrown away... that i wasnt one way or the other, & so i just was blah. there was no taste to me. nothing special or exciting.
***Ok. i feel like i move on any further i just need to say that im fine. im sorting through this. i know the truth. i do not need you all to validate me. words of encouragement are great, but not needed. thats not saying you cant say how awesome my blog is ;), but im releasing you if the feeling to fix me rises up in you...***
if you have read the Harry Potter books, or have seen the movies you have probably heard of Ron Weasley. He is the 6th boy in a family of almost all boys (the youngest is a girl). I love him. In all of the movies, i am completely delighted by him. He's funny. charming. a little insecure. and not necessarily the hero. Harry Potter is his best friend. Harry Freaking Potter. the Boy Who Lived (seriously... just read the books). the Chosen One. So who is Ron in all of this? Is there a point to him being a part of the story? He's not a super villain. He's not the hero. He's not brilliant. Possibly just there for a bit of comic relief.
Man. That is how i feel. that is how i have felt. like somehow i am easily replaced. its happened. it has been done before. im used to it. not a big deal. i can get over it.
but to feel those things during an easter service. im not quite sure in which basket or file folder that i should place those thoughts. right now theyre strewn across my floor. waiting to be sorted. but its too much. its too hard.
so what do i do instead? i sit at a coffee shop & write about it for the world to see.
i feel insignificant. replaceable. fear. doubt. hopelessness. stagnant. tired. forgotten. not heard.
im not quite sure what to do with that. and what's even harder is having people in the world validate my worst fears. they probably dont mean to. and i dont like sometimes having people manipulate & shape my emotions. but it happens. and im stuck. and im not quite sure what to do with it.
the pastor called for a time of prayer during the service, & i tried so hard to hold it together. SO hard. and i did. but i begged & pleaded with the Lord. I made deals. i told the Lord what i wanted. that i wanted to feel needed. to feel wanted. to somehow have Him show me that im not completely worthless (once again. i know that im not. BUT...). that what i have to say & to give to this world matters. that maybe im on the right track. that i havent completely strayed off of a trail. that i want to mean something on this earth. i dont want to just be a person that gets through life. i want to live mine. and to love it. and to maybe even make a difference. anything.
So.
that's where im at right now. easter was not what i expected or wanted it to be. and, like i said earlier, im still sorting through that. there has to be something to learn. somewhere. so i guess all that i can do is keep begging. pleading. hoping that ill hear something...
courageously crying out,
lauren
10 comments:
Maybe your best post yet... I would hope that this is the kind of thing Easter would drive to the surface in all of us. If our Christianity doesn't force us to reckon with our deepest wounds and fears, then it might not really be true Christianity. Of course that means we'll have to be willing to hold things in tension while we work it out (or rather works itself out in us), which isn't pleasant... But pleasant is static and can be boring. Sounds like you're in a bit of an internal storm. Less pleasant, but storms move things around and change the landscape - which could be exciting ;-)
Thanks for sharing this part of the journey with us. You don't need fixing. The "fixing" is happening with or without anyone's help, and you're already letting it do it's work. Thanks for showing us what that looks like.
Hey you.
"i feel insignificant. replaceable. fear. doubt. hopelessness. stagnant. tired. forgotten. not heard." I know you said you don't want "encouragement" comments, but I just gotta say, I hear you!
Shortly after I moved here, I was desperately homesick and working a terrible job, and every church service was a struggle because I just felt so BLAH.
I don't know what the result of this will be for you, but for me, I'm learning to embrace the blah. Sometimes I feel like I should be doing "big things" for God, but for now, my calling is to serve Ben. Be a keeper at home. Be diligent for my employers. I'm learning that my desire to do cool stuff and be important is mostly my pride speaking, and not God.
Like Jason says, God is sanctifying you, so I hope you'll find some peace and hope in remembering that you're in His hand, and He never lets go of His children.
Love you, Lauren!
~Elsa
Love the honesty in this post. Thanks for sharing Lauren.
One piece at a time God is working on the mosaic of your life...and he evens includes the pieces where we feel forgotten, lonely, & hopeless...EVERY part of our life is a part of God's life and God's plans and one day we will see the finished mosaic of each of our lives...but for now you just have to keep pushing on and know that everything about you is the best of you even if it doesn't seem to be so by itself...that final picture will show the beauty of it all though...I hope that made sense...It's how I look at my life-a stained glass mosaic constantly being added to...
Amanda
Oh, you'll hear, you'll hear...and when you do, I can't wait to see God's faithfulness and love written all over it!
Wishing I was making the time and space to process this time in my life (this transition, this waiting, this longing for significance, for calling, etc.) along with you. I need to slow down.
Wow.. great post L. Thanks for a honest and truthful writing. God is working and stiring within you.
I think many can relate to what you've spoken about. I think a lot of times I get stuck cruise control with my faith; where I look forward to church on Sundays to recharge my God batteries within me. Charged through emotional feelings, the worship songs, fellowship, or the message. Then find I need recharging the next week. Stuck in this cycle of recharging my batteries each week.. And when I don't get charged...there is a feeling of nothingness or disappointment. I don't know where I'm going with this or what point I'm trying to make.. But through my walk with Lord, I found that it is more than a feeling.. and that I need to just stay steadfast in walk...
Now I have that Boston song stuck in my head.. "more than a feeling".. ;)
Word out
My dear niece,
You are SO on the right track. Your post brings me to that place. Again. And even though it can be unpleasant, it can be so good. Because you are searching for Him. Deeply.
My love and my prayers are with you.
Sheryl
just curious....what church do you go to?
I go to ABC in the cities...
Oh, Lauren...glad you have found a church you are happy with, but I hope you know that we at E-free/youth group have done our very best to love you with Christ's love! It saddens me that you apparently didn't feel that....
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