honesty.

so, i think its safe to say that we would all agree that honesty is the best policy. or, at least we've been brought up to believe that. 


a few weeks ago a blueberry was found on the floor. my friend's little boy said that he didnt do it. She easily sweeped it up, & we moved on. Until we found out that he did in fact drop the blueberry on the floor. she then proceeded to tell him that now this would be a different conversation because he was not honest to begin with. 


Hmm. isnt that how life works? 


So you might be asking why im telling you that story & why im talking about this topic. 


well, i like to think that im painfully honest here. there are few places where i think that its oK for me to go out & be honest. so im using this as a place to be honest about my recent run in with the Lord.


i was in my car, & just really sick of crap. i couldnt be cool. i couldnt be anything but honest. all virtue was gone, & i almost dared someone to get in my way. i was so angry & frustrated & throwing fits like i had watched go on throughout the day. 


i cursed. i raged. i yelled. i cried. i screamed. all at the Lord. 


Yes, i realize that some of you may be cringing in your seats right now. but if God is the God that we say He is... dont you think that He can handle a small being like me yelling at him for a couple minutes?


anyway. thats exactly what i did. i pitched a fit. i was so mad that the Lord hadnt honored what i had asked for. i asked when my turn in this life was going to begin. i begged Him for answers. i begged & i pleaded. i cursed. i cursed loud & clear for all of creation to hear. 


"am i just a pawn in this game of life? does it matter what i want or what i feel?" those were the questions coming from my mouth faster than i could speak them. 


i was sick of feeling this way. sick of feeling like the worst person alive. sick of... you name it. i just let it all out. i had to. i didnt know what else to do. im not one who can keep many things bottled up in me for too long. Yes, they may be bottled for a bit, but once it comes out i have to be able to control it OR. . . well you get the picture.


so where am i going with all of this? im not sure. im just wanting to be honest. honest with myself. honest with you. honest with the Lord. its not like He didnt know all of this already. so why not just put it all out there. . . maybe someone else can gain something from my childish ways~


- - - - - - - - - - - - - - 


i woke up early the other morning & couldnt fall back to sleep. i decided to pick up my bible, but it just didnt feel right. instead i grabbed a book of poetry that sits on my nightstand. There was one that stood out to me & ive been thinking about it ever since. i hope that maybe it blesses one of you~

Six Recognitions of the Lord 

number 2. 

~m. oliver

 Lord God, mercy is in your hands, pour

me a little. And tenderness too. My

need is great. Beauty walks so freely

and with such gentleness. Impatience puts

a halter on my face and I run away over

the green fields wanting your voice, your

tenderness, but having to do with only

the sweet grasses of the fields against 

my body. When I first found you I was

filled with light, now the darkness grows

and it is filled with crooked things, bitter

and weak, each one bearing my name.

courageously just being angry,

lauren