ok. today has been a hot day. im tired. ready for the weekend. just... wanting to hop in my car & drive for a good few hours. thats really what i want to do. thats been my week.


SO. the last thing that i really want to do is have something come up, hit me in the face & then be "forced" to blog about it. so there you have it. i dont want to be doing this, but i guess it is what it is.


"...there are, at the very least, a quarter of a million distinct English words..." (-oxforddictionaries.com)


love. 
   think of all the emotions that come up when you hear that word. some of you are smiling. some crying. angry. fuming. raging. mourning. etc. the list really goes on. 


shit. 
   most of you are offended. some laughing. some wondering what is wrong with me. how far off the deep end have i gone. etc. 


its interesting to see all of the emotions that come up when you say 1 word. when 4 different letters are put together to form something new. it could be offensive. it could be loving. kind... any number of things.


i had a brief conversation with a friend tonight... and when i say brief i mean brief because i just couldnt continue on with it. 


i was asked if i wanted to hang around & let some stress out by killing some orcs on xbox. i laughed & declined. i then made, what i kind of half-heartedly meant as a joke, a quick remark about how thank you, but ill just go & do that through my words... 


i was then called back into the room & just kind of asked about it. 


something happened in me. i realized that maybe i meant what i had said. 


im try to be so careful with my words. i would much rather email someone then talk to them face to face. why? i can gather my thoughts & present them with what i truly feel & mean after the emotions are gone from my face... 


but its interesting. i have felt like that this past week. that every word from my mouth is somehow cutting into someone else. that im maybe slowly killing someone whether i tell them that im not sure what to do, or if im telling them that i love them...


its not in my heart to do that. its not in my heart to hurt anyone especially with my words. 


so what now? i try to be kind. to myself. to others.


and i guess thats what ive got. im kind of over not having the right words... or saying the wrong things... or... anything along those lines. 


so im sorry. if any of you have been on the receiving end of that... im sorry. i dont mean to. its not in my heart to be that way. 


if i love... i love. 


if i say shit... i mean it.




courageously attempting to say the right words,
lauren