Ok, i should start this by saying that im doing my usual blogging & top chef watching... so in case i start talking about how strange Tom looks or how long Padma's hair is... you know why.

That all being said...

So earlier this week on facebook i had mentioned something about how people do neurotic things to have some sort of control over their lives. I didnt really touch on mine, but ill touch on it here & now because it has been an interesting few 5 hours...

So, remember how i blogged earlier this week about how i felt closer to the Lord & that i needed to mark that moment because i knew how fleeting it would be? Im sure glad that i did, because sometimes i just need to remember dear moments like those.

So... today has actually been a great day. The kiddos & i headed into town this morning and i actually got a LOT done! The oldest little one even helped me pick out my niece's birthday present for her party on sunday (woohoo)! So, really it was an easy day... i love days like those~

And i obviously needed that...

i came home after work & something struck me. i came across something & it just sent me into a spiral. In a matter of 20 minutes i had gone from a great day to please... let us make margaritas tonight & just hopefully drink my sorrows away~ (i stuck with a great sort of punch & Kraken Rum... it was great.)

I was definitely trigged & i started thinking about certain things in my life. Things that i thought had definitely gone to rest, but were obviously still in there somewhere. What in the freaking hell!? I was  completely thrown off so i definitely reverted to a few old ways...

So, coming back to what i had posted on facebook earlier this week... 

i had said something about how people do neurotic things when they have no other control over their life. i know mine. When i cant control anything else, i know that at the end of the day i can control what i eat & basically my size... how much i weigh. SO, what do i do? I just dont eat. i have definitely gone a few days without any more than a water & coffee... it's not something that i enjoy, but i have control. i can keep one area of my life in my own hands. 

I had that moment today. i knew what was on the menu (and i was SO excited about it!) but i just didnt know how i could do it. I suddenly wasnt hungry & knew i wasnt going to be able to eat much... WELL. Thankfully after almost 2 years of therapy, i can somewhat get over that in less than a couple of hours. Im glad to say that i finished MOST of my dinner & even enjoyed it~! (hello freshly delicious homemade croutons!) 

But that's really not the point...

something completely threw me off. im feeling completely displaced within myself. im trying to feel my feelings, but im over crying. i just dont want to deal with it.

I definitely know that my feelings were hurt, but i didnt want to cry. i quickly switched over into anger so that i could just be mad & not cry & just move on. I know, that maybe doesnt seem completely right, but im aware of that & i think that it counts... anyway...

i dont know what to do. Im trying to be ok, but i dont necessarily have a place for any of it. Even as im sitting here there is definitely something within me that is hidden under the surface that i cant find... it's somehow hidden.

and maybe it is the grace of the Lord...?... im not sure. once again, im kind of on the outs with Him. I know that it may sound fickle considering my blog a couple of days ago, but ive found nothing but silence ever since. AND, if He's the God that i know He is... then i think that He can deal with it~

So...

What do i do? where do i go from here? Im not really sure. Im definitely feeling hurt, anger, violation, and so many more things that im just really not sure what they are. im realizing that my cross is being carried with me more & more, & closer & closer to me... right now it's lying on my stomach waiting to just be grasped closer to my heart... if anything at least im still somewhat searching & grasping for the Lord~

So, im not sure what to do or where to go from here... im just trying to walk it all out & hope for the best. There are certain things that right now, have no place to go... no storage container has been created & im just waiting & ready to do something if i need to...

So, there's that. Im not sure what to do with any of it. Im just trying to be OK for now, because im over being hurt. Im just over it. seriously. 

i was talking with my dear friend about it tonight, & she told me to just be kind with myself... oh my God... that's one thing that im really having a hard time with. Im not being kind with myself, because im better than that.... but i know that i need to be... so shit. im just trying really hard right now to not completely take 3 steps back... maybe just 2... ugh...

SO, there's that. i have 17 minutes left of Top Chef & im just exhausted. I know what's going to happen, so maybe i can just go to bed...

im sure that this all is maybe a bit jumbled but that's how im feeling. that's honest. that's me. 

me attempting to maybe be a bit brave...?... courageous...?... or just crazy?... who knows?....

thanks for reading... thanks for taking the time to listen to me rant about my crazy life~

~LVo