sitting in the kitchen... with beautiful music playing... eating delicious breakfast potatoes... sipping coffee & orange juice... at this moment, life is good~

yesterday, was a long day. its not like it was awful, but by the end of it, i was ready to be done with the world. actually... i think that the world was ready to be done with me for the day.

im rockin crazy hormones. im stressed about little things here & there. and i just need something light-hearted...

today is that day for me. yes, i have a few errands to run, but i feel like today is my day to take things as they come & just do what needs to be done. and then end out the night with *hopefully* a whiskey cocktail... that sounds wonderful to me~

i dont do this often, but ive got a favor to ask of you, my wonderfully caring readers...

could you be praying for me? im putting in a ton of job applications & am hoping for whatever one that i should have. my experience is lacking, but i feel like i have good skills & a fun personality to bring...
so if you just have a quick minute & would just ask the Lord for a little help... i would appreciate that so much~

also. im road-tripping it up this weekend! im heading out to Michigan with the boyfriend. (what?!)
i'll be driving separately so he can stay later in the week & so i can head back for a nephew's birthday party. thankfully its only a 5.5 hour drive from the cities, but its still 5.5 hours of driving there & then 6.5 hours of driving back for me (on sunday). if you could just pray for safety & a good ol' time, thatd be great :)

im actually looking forward to the long drive. when im stressed & just need to relax & release & attempt to just be a normal human being, i'll drive. a nice long drive with my music & myself & time to just get my mind back into a good space...  it changes my life.

so. there's all of that. im bringing in a few applications today, & then i will be hoping & praying for the best.

thank you blog readers. i am definitely thankful for you this thanksgiving season~

have a good! :)

alright. so, i usually try to be as honest as i can about my life to the point where i know that im over-sharing about things that i probably shouldnt be sharing about. BUT. i figure sometimes its better to just put it all out there & live my life.

SO.

that's kind of where im at today. i had a rough night last night & my mind is officially taxed. my body is starting to react to it & i realize that i just needed a moment to breathe. so, i decided to drive into town with my computer, notebook & book, & just take a few hours & recharge my spirit or body or life or... all of the above.

as i was driving into town i started thinking about the things that im needing to get done & things that im needing to do & the main issue that is causing stress reared it's ugly head. shit. i hate it when that happens.

so, i have been job searching for the past... month of so. everything about that situation is stressful. having to put yourself out there & basically make your crap look like jewels... it's really hard work.

what i find really hard for me is that i lack in experience on a few things. i know that im good at a lot of things, but i dont necessarily have the experience to back it up. ive been a nanny for the past few years & it's hard for that to translate into showing that hey! im good at other things, too!

thinking about it, it's hard even trying to convince myself that im good at other things.

im crippled with fear. when will i find a job? am i really not good at anything? im slowly watching my banking accounts dwindle. what about the holidays coming up? i have a few people on my list. i can give them a hug... etc.

these are the thoughts that are crippling me on a daily basis. i cant shut them off. im applying for multiple jobs daily, but my confidence is shot. im at the point where it really takes every ounce of my being to just get up & be productive. that's really hard.

i had a moment while driving into town today where i just lost it. i couldnt handle it any longer & felt my chest slowly start to tighten. i felt tears on the surface. and damn it i just didnt want to deal with that today. so i tried telling myself the truth...

the Lord loves me... the Lord is for me... the Lord has provided for me when ive needed it... the Lord loves me... He loves me... He loves me... the Lord will not give up on me... 


i drove to the airport this past monday & for some reason i decided that i should listen to some old school 90's christian music. you know... Twila Paris... Michael W. Smith... Steve Curtis Chapman... Amy Grant... Geoff Moore & The Distance... you know... old school.

something about those songs changed something within me. God is in Control by Twila Paris... that song is full of truth! who really cares that it's quite possibly older than me. truth is truth & i needed it.

so. there's my sob story. ive put off writing it for fear of being judged & feeling dumb. i dont think anyone will feel that, but there it is.

thanks for reading. if you think of it say a prayer for me.

alright. here i am. blogging. i will say this... this is one of my favorite things to do. i think i learn more about myself either before or while i blog than almost any other time. there's something about typing out my thoughts & sending them out into the universe that somehow helps me process.

so... i thank you.

anyway. the point of this post.

relationships.

theyre really hard. it's not like theyre easy or anything like that. if you want something to work, you have to fight for it.

but if you feel like you have to fight for it, you have to ask yourself if it's worth the fight.

"is this relationship really worth the energy that im putting into it? does the other person really care as much as i do? if not, what can i do about it?"

those are tough questions to ask yourself, let alone answer.

that's what im learning, or i should say what i have been learning. for the last few years.

it's hard to have to ask yourself the same questions all of the time...

anyway. im definitely learning how to navigate them.

some relationships, i am more than willing to work at. to give them the time & care that they need. and to attempt to do so with kindness & grace in my heart.

there are also those relationships where you just say screw this & move on..

im working on both. im walking through both. and theyre pretty hard.

but some of them are worth it. and im willing to be wrong. and apologize. and maybe get my feelings hurt.

because sometimes... that's what has to happen. and it's not like it's easy... because it's not. But...

anyway. thats what im learning. what im walking through. and up & over. and in between. and...

so there's that. im navigating tricky waters. unchartered territories. and to be honest, it is kind of scary.

but i like to think that im doing a good job?...

honesty. hard work. grace. kindness. love. that's what i try to bring to the table~

thank you for reading my faithful blog readers. im thankful for each & every one of you this season.

even the ones i dont know :)

Hmm...

i have a very contrite heart this morning.

a heart that is bursting for revelation or understanding.

a heart that is seeking the Lord.

just trying to sort things out.

to make good decisions.

to figure out how to express myself in a kind & loving way.

to not be so defensive all of the time.

to . . .

there is a wind of change in the air.

or maybe a wind of. . . ?

im not entirely sure.

but what i do know is that i cant continue to carry on with such heavy yokes.

not necessarily heavy yokes. but heavy thoughts weighing on me.

that's all. im keeping this simple.

and am hoping for clarity today.

and wisdom. and understanding.