well, im sitting at home while jason is at class. lots of thoughts have been running through my mind lately, & my mind has been dreaming super crazy dreams these last few nights... im pretty sure that i've been in multiple countries & have gone back to high school at least 3 times.

all of that being said... i've been debating about posting this since sunday but i feel that maybe im ready for it.

i find that i can sometimes get ahead of myself & maybe a process that im in, but i also find that if i write about things, i can process them a little easier. so, here goes.

i have been feeling extra insecure lately. i always have a bit of it within myself, but i just feel that im in a strange spot within myself right now. things that ive enjoyed, are as enjoyable to me. there are certain clothes that are deciding to not allow me into them as well as they used to. etc.

anyway, a friend was picking me up for church on sunday & if they hadnt driven such a long way, i probably would've texted her & said that i wasnt going to make it that morning. i was feeling awful about myself, couldnt find anything to wear, & was completely exhausted on top of all of that. but i went.

(later on, she told me that she had checked her phone all morning for a text saying i couldnt make it.)

anyway, i get to church in my jeans, non-heel boots, a long sleeve & my vest. not my usual church attire.

so church is it's usual wonderful self. it's the one place where i truly have gained life & truth from... i cannot get enough of it & love that i can say that i have a pastor is a true vessel of the Lord. . .

he was in fiery moment (which i love when he's like that) and he invites people up who need a blessing or prayer or just something extra to full them up.

i was fine. i didnt need any extra for the Lord. my hurts & trials are easy compared to others. why would i take part of that away from others & allow the Lord to fill myself?

Mick (pastor) then said that even if youre leaning towards the center of the aisle to walk up there... and what do you know... my right shoulder is a little closer to the center. so, i decide to just follow the Lord's moving within me & go to just ask for a little extra of the Lord to fill me. not a lot, because i dont need that much, but just a little.

clearly the Lord had something different in mind.

i felt someone touch my shoulder & start praying for me. the best part was that she was praying in tongues. ive never had that happen before & i felt overcome & overwhelmed by something greater than myself.

i then felt the familiar grip (full of kindness & love) of a dear friend who came to pray for me. i knew it was her & was so thankful that she would do that for me. to walk beside me in a moment of not knowing why i was even there.

and then... something almost miraculous happened. i felt a small, kind & gentle touch on my back. and the only way i can think to describe it is that of an angel. i know that for some of you it may sound absurd, and ive put off this post because of that, but my goodness. there's no other way to describe it other than that. i felt this angelic spirit surround me & it gave me such warmth & peace. after church, my friend told me who it was praying over me. i dont know who he is, but ive seen him at church & have felt a kindness radiate from him. it was an honor to have him pray for me.

after a bit i felt my friend's grip on my arm leave & felt another warm & kind presence. it was our pastor. i didnt even know that he knew me & i heard him speak (vaguely) and he said that he hoped he didnt embarrass me, but that he snaked his way over to me. and he just wanted to tell me that he knew i'd be there. he knew that i would be at that place, and at that moment. i dont remember if there was anything else, but that was enough for me.

and i was undone. i felt like the Lord has something great to speak to me or pour into me. i was grateful to have a moment to be vulnerable with the Lord & to just pray. ive had all of these crazy feelings lately & have been trying to sort out things in my life.. so to have a moment where i knew that i was covered in prayer was almost an answer to my prayers.

i proceeded to go sit down & just sort of floated through the rest of the service. i love that i go to a church full of love & kindness & a place that preaches the true meaning of grace.

i was chatting with my friend about it during lunch & she gave me a little more insight into the happenings during the prayer invite. i dont remember much of it, but i know that the Lord met me where i needed it.

and i would usually be looking into everything & attempting to figure it all out, and i am, but im also trying to allow the Lord to work within me.

i feel as if a seed has been planted within me... that im being trained for something greater than myself. there are really no words to describe it other than just full of love & grace.

im finding that certain thoughts that i have are becoming jumbled & are then changing into kind thoughts that are full of grace.

and i know that, for some of you, this is probably a very strange post & youre wondering how this all works. to be completely honest with you, i dont even know how it works!

however, i do know this: i trust the Lord. i trust (and know) that He will make all things work out for good in some way.

so for now, i will wait. i will wait on the Lord & what he has in store for me .it's not easy to not know everything, but this experience was different. and i feel like it's so worth all of my waiting & wanting to know.

this song has been playing through my mind lately, so i'll share it with you. i cry every time i hear it because it touches something within me that i just cannot explain.

so, here's the waiting on the Lord & to knowing that His timing is so much greater than mine. . .

love to you all~
L

i will wait ~mumford & sons

Well I came home

Like a stone

And I fell heavy into your arms

These days of dust

Which we've known

Will blow away with this new sun

But I'll kneel down wait for now

And I'll kneel down

Know my ground

And I will wait I will wait for you

And I will wait I will wait for you

So break my step

And relent

Well you forgave and I won't forget

Know what we've seen

And him with less

Now in some way shake the excess

'Cause I will wait I will wait for you

And I will wait I will wait for you

And I will wait I will wait for you

And I will wait I will wait for you

Now I'll be bold

As well as strong

And use my head alongside my heart

So tame my flesh

And fix my eyes

A tethered mind freed from the lies

And I'll kneel down

Wait for now

I'll kneel down

Know my ground

Raise my hands

Paint my spirit gold

And bow my head

Keep my heart slow

'Cause I will wait I will wait for you

And I will wait I will wait for you

And I will wait I will wait for you

And I will wait I will wait for you

(emphasis added by me)

  

i had a blog typed out but am deciding to just do an update.

i left the job i started after 1/2 hour of being there. it was not as the email described & i know that my skills are a little... well not what they were looking for. so, i will not be a computer board manufacturer for now ;)

i have nothing nice to say about really anyone tonight, so im going to stop.

not only for my sake, but my husband's sake as well.

damn it. sometimes i would really like to just be a bitch.

but not tonight.

i need to stop now before i throw some whiskey into the mix ;)

enjoy.