humble thyself

Ok. so i can already tell and feel that this post is going to be jumping all over the place. My mind is racing, and so much has been going on in my life lately that im not even going to try to catch everyone up. instead im going to fill you in on bits and pieces, and leave you (the reader) wanting more... or ill just be quiet and start typing~!


So lately i have had a lot going on in my life and on my mind. im realizing that im not getting enough sleep. im anxious. im happy. ive been crying for every possible emotion that i might be feeling. i was talking with a friend of mine and she was like yeah. you should be tired. you have a lot going on in your life right now, and are making big decisions, even if you arent necessarily acting on them. yes. thank you. its like i needed permission to feel my feelings and be completely honest about them. she then told me it was OK to take a nap when i needed to... score!


That all being said... im also working a lot. tis the season for christmas cheer and retail! the hours are becoming later, and next week im up to 30 hours on top of my nannying hours. it will be fine. i will be tired. it will at least help the days to pass a little faster, and get me to the end of 2010~


so we're hiring more people. some of them are great! one of the girls is sweet and fun, and i really enjoy working with her. others.... its been a bit annoying. nope. annoying is a bad word. 


ok. so i work in the tool section. there is a mutual respect between the tool guys, and myself that we have just assumed that everyone knows. yes, i am a cashier, but its nice to have them ask me i can ring something up for them. its nice to know that they respect me and the work that i do, and at the same time i will respect them and the work that they do. its this great thing. i (sometimes) know that they will have my back and look out for me when needed (thats a whole nother story...). Also, another thing that they will do is take out the garbage for me at the end of the night. its the right thing to do. yes, i understand that i am perfectly capable of taking the garbage out myself, HOWEVER. there are some things that i feel like the guys can do. call it whatever you may, but those are my thoughts.


So, tonight it was me, 2 usual tool guys and a new one. ive been finding it really difficult to work with him because i cant get a read on him. that, and i dont feel that there is necessarily this respect thing going on. its just this thing where he is not necessarily kind to me, and i feel he is very rude towards me. whatever.


ok. so i decided to make an effort tonight. i decided that i would ask some questions about his life and get to know him, and just try and see if i can get some insight into him. i tried. i attempted. i got nowhere. it was strange and awkward. so the end of the night starts rolling around, and im counting the registers, and making sure everything is getting done on time. i kindly asked him if he would just make sure to grab the garbage before he left for the night. yeah. i was then greeted with an im sorry. im working. you do it. 
ok. whoa. yeah. thanks. you punk! you little punk who has shown me no respect and who has just not been very nice to me! grrr! (that was my first reaction)


So what do i do? i go vent to the 2 mikes. i decided that i was going to vent, and just get them on my side because i knew that i was right. how dare he not take out the garbage for me?! so i go over there and tell them whats going on. they look at me with this expression of "really? really lauren?" plastered all over their faces. my manager told me that yeah. he is working. you can take out the damn garbage.
wait. what?! they arent going to take my side on this? come on! i know for sure that i am in the right here! he is completely wrong...... right?


and then it hits me. all of these thoughts come rushing in. theyre right. he is working. why cant i just take out the damn garbage? i can! its not hard. its so easy. its really not even a big deal.


so whats the big deal? im not sure. what i do know is that i was wrong. its not hard for me to take out the garbage. and i did it. i did it with a crappy attitude too.


so whats the point of this blog? its really just a place for me to say and admit that i was wrong. to own up to the fact that yes, maybe im just being a bratty girl and complaining too much. maybe i just need to suck i up and take out the garbage. 


i was talking with a friend the other day, and he was telling me about his job. his awful job that he is dealing with. its hard. i know that it is taking a lot out of him. i know these things. that being said... whenever we get a chance to talk for a bit he will take a couple of minutes, vent (ok. it really shouldnt be called venting because he is VERY calm about it), and then move on saying that he feels he is complaining too much. 
wow. talk about a lesson in humility. his story has truly been making me think about how much i complain about my jobs. about how much i complain in general. ugh. it just makes me feel embarrassed for myself.


all of that being said.... i am so grateful for the gift of grace. i am so grateful that the Lord brings me places in my life of discovery, and awkwardness. im even more grateful for the fact that i know He will not leave me there. im so grateful that i can have a hope for that. i have this new thing that i am telling myself. it gets me through my day. it gets me through hours. it gets me through moments big and small. ill just give part of it: "i trust the Lord. i trust the Lord in me."


Wow. its taken me a little less than a year to be able to say that. and i mean every word of that. i believe every word of that. i do trust the Lord, and his work in me. 


Wow. that was a post. but i just needed to air it. to let it out. to be honest about my feelings. to let the world (haha) know that im making mistakes. that im allowing the Lord to do good works through me~


check this song out. i love it. its really speaking to me tonight~


courageously being humbled,
lauren