Walls

Ok. so here i am. living life. wanting to try & get things together. figure things out. figure life out... see if what i feel the Lord telling me is actually right...


anyway...


this is what happened today, and i almost broke down in public. but i didnt.


i was nannying this morning, & we headed out to the little children's playlab in town. There are lots of fun things to do there, but usually it just stresses me out. there's something about being surrounded by all of these moms and kids that completely sends me orbiting into the atmosphere. A


Anyway, we decided to go over & play with the awesome blue blocks that they have there (i nanny for a 3 year old & a 1.5 year old so theyre both kinda fun...). Anyway, the 3 year old thought it would be fun to build a "house" around me. i was sitting up against a wall, and she just started putting blocks in front of me. It was nice to just sit for a bit, and not have to do too much. i wasnt too tired, but my mind, as always, was wandering away from me...


So as she was building up the walls around me, the 1 year old (grumpy-goo) was trying to get to me, but couldnt because the walls were surrounding me. it started to become an obstacle course to even come close to me. you could see the fear in her eyes start to come over her, & i had to move a block. the 3 year old freaked out. "dont mess up my wall! im building it for lolo!" i quickly told her that it was ok, & that i would put it back when the grumpy goo moved.


Finally. the house was built. and i was so bored! i told "Aubs" that i wanted to be able to play with her and get out! She said, emphatically, "NO!! Youre safe! Thats why i built the house! So you could be safe!" 


oh my goodness! Hello life!! 


Thats what we do to ourselves... life gets tough... OR walls just start building up slowly over time. and we get comfortable. we may be completely bored with our lives, but at least we're safe. no one can get in & hurt us. the world cant reach us. yes... the cost may be loneliness, but youre safe. and the people around you are safe. you cant hurt anyone, & no one cant hurt you.


but at what cost? are you willing to give up your life to be safe? was i able to risk hurting myself, & maybe others, to just break out and live life?


it started to overwhelm me. "grumpy goo" wanted to come & sit by me, but the walls werent allowing it. so i told "aubs" that i was just going to knock it down. she looked at me with big, scared eyes. she didnt want me to knock it down, & i kind of didnt want to. i was afraid that the blocks would fall, & hit me... or hit the "grumpy goo"... or hit anyone else around me. that me, or these wonderful girls that i love, would get hit by the debris...


so i just had to go for it. i got hit by a block. both girls got hit by blocks. it was destruction. mass chaos. and people got hurt. 


but i was free. i was free to move around the playlab again. and play with the girls. and have a life again. yes... there was now a chance that i was going to get hurt. or that one of the girls would get hurt. or any other number of things... but i was free. i was now able to live my life & have fun~!... i mean now i was just able to play...


how often do we do this? i had the great wall of china around me, and i had no choice... my walls had to come down. i knew that i was going to get hurt. i knew that the people around me were going to get hurt. but my life was dead. i couldnt keep living shelled up all by myself in a house that i built...


so i tore it down. with my bare hands. and it hurt. i can still see scars. and sometimes the wounds, that are still trying to heal, open up and bleed out everywhere... but i just try to fix them the best that i can. or maybe i visit the Dr. that can stitch it back together better than i ever could. but i cant stop. the walls arent down yet. and why could i leave up a wall that ive already started tearing down? because it may get too hard? great... maybe ill take a break for a day. or maybe ill call up a friend and see if they can help. or maybe... just maybe... in the middle of the night while im resting because i just cant do it anymore, the Lord comes down and removes a few bricks for me... to lighten my load. either way. ive started this process, & i cant stop. and now that ive tasted even some of the sweet fresh smell of freedom, how can i stop?! its so life giving...


the sad thing... is that i know a lot of people who may never experience that. and ive tried to help bring down those walls, but they havent been ready. or they havent wanted me to... out of fear... (which is a whole other blog post)... or many other reasons... and it hurts. it hurts to know that some people may never know that freedom. or not even that. it hurts to know that they will have to face the same pain that i had to. because i know how hard it is. and how much it hurts. but i also know how freeing it can be... i mean not all the time... but sometimes...


So there you have it. im learning new things every day. and they are beautiful. and wonderful. and yet they are wrecking me to the core of my being... but if theyre wrecking me, then maybe theyre knocking down part of my wall too...


courageously crying over every letter ive typed,
lauren