writing

that's all i want to do. write. but i have nothing to say. not to myself. to other people, yes. so maybe thats what i should do. write letters to others, but not send them. 


but that's where my mind knows that its being tricked. i then feel compelled to send it. but i dont want to. i dont want to write for anyone but myself...


so in a way i feel like im stuck. 


i want to write great things. i want to write simple things. i want to write to feed my soul.


but somehow my brain just gets in the way... i end up writing for others. or tell myself that its not good enough. 


what is this thing in me? i want to be great at something... but im not sure what that great thing is. 


i want a big life for myself, but what am i doing to accomplish that? anything? is there anything that i really can do?


im not sure. im asking myself all of these questions, and then some. and keep coming up with nothing. 


but maybe its not about the answer, but rather in the asking of the questions. maybe that's enough. maybe just for now.


i was reading last night. i know that my heart was ready to receive. but maybe my mind wasnt. or isnt. im not sure. but it was hard. it was hard reading & having more questions flood my mind. 


what do i do with that? im not sure yet. i do know that i dont want to give up. not here. not on this hill. there are other hills that i know are not meant to be climbed by me. others, yes. me? maybe sometime. but this hill right here... this reading & writing disconnect... it is meant to be climbed. by me. 


so that's all ive got. im heading out for work soon. ill have my books with me. maybe ill pick them up. maybe i wont. im not quite sure yet. but i do know that ill try. ive got to try something. 


there you have it. that's what my life's looking like right now. a lot of unknowns. a lot of questions. few answers. but, like i said before, the answers are somehow in the questions...


either way. i dont want to stop writing. or reading. or learning. or growing. im just not sure how to go about anything. or if im even accomplishing anything. 


courageously & honestly writing (or at least attempting to),
lauren