damn it.

those were the first words that popped into my head when this post decided to work its way into the universe.


im tired. i need to go to sleep. im feeling a bit stressed. and to be honest, i dont feel like being completely honest & fully putting myself out there. but. that goes against everything that this blog stands for. so crap. i guess im in a tight spot. so here goes nothing.


so. maybe im a bit stressed. maybe there are some things in my life that are causing me to... well be stressed. to maybe not eat a balanced meal. to maybe lie awake at night for hours after i have been dreaming awful, stressed dreams that border on anxiety attack material. maybe there's a lot of change going on. maybe i dont have a few of the tools that i need. maybe... maybe... maybe...


but here's the deal. along with all of this stress, comes this other thing... its kind of like guilt, but maybe not quite. but i dont have a better word for it yet.


its this thing called *insert word here*. its the feeling that you maybe just dont matter. not even that as much, but the feeling that "why in the hell am i complaining about this?! my life is so easy!" the feeling that you have when youre watching the Feed the Children commercials and you decide to never complain about anything again (and then 5 seconds later youre whining because theyre out of your flavored syrup at starbucks). the feeling that somewhere, someone has it harder than you, and how dare you complain about your wimpy little problems.


ive been feeling that a lot lately. in the grand scheme of things (yeah. thats my new favorite thing to say), my life is easy. people love me. they care for me. i have a GREAT new job (really!). im not beaten. im not starved. i sleep in a warm (or cool) bed every night. my life is fine. 


but it gets tricky. because my life isnt fine. i have stress just like everyone else. i have issues JUST like everyone else. maybe theyre not a 9 on a 1-10 scale, but theyre mine. 


theyre kinda like people's goals or dreams. they may not be big. but theyre your's. theyre the thing that, at the end of the day... no matter how good or bad... you can claim for yourself. 


and i am feeling the weight of mine. some are rearing their ugly heads moreso than others. some are on the surface, while others are sitting in the cupboard for another day. either way, theyre mine. and its what im feeling right now. 


there are often times where i wonder who reads my blog & why. and then i have moments, like right now, where i feel like people are reading my blog to know that theyre not alone. to maybe be able to see that someone else feels what theyre feeling. to know that someone is going through the same thing that theyre going through, & is just trying to be honest about it. 


i think that we often times are taught that yes, someone will always have it harder than us, so we need to just be thankful. and i completely understand that. if we were to just sit & stew in our own self-pity, our lives would be awful. and i think that everything in moderation is a good thing to remember. i think that its ok to feel your feelings & to acknowledge them in a healthy way. however, if i were to be happy ALL of the time, i dont think that i would be able to grow in that. and if i were to be unhappy all of the time, i would really have no reason to continue in with the life that im living.


so there you have it. that's how im feeling. im feeling that i somehow need my feelings to matter. to not be judged based on anyone else's. to just be able to sit back and let them do their work in me & then get the hell over it.


courageously feeling a bit childish over this,
lauren