Ok. So, you know how sometimes things come at you & you're not always sure why or how, but they start convicting you in such a way that you have nothing else to do but blog about it? well that's where im at right now...

im walking through this. im sitting in this fresh pile of shit & frankly, im a little annoyed by it.

so here's the deal. im pretty great at defending myself. wait. maybe i should rephrase this: im really good at being defensive. i know how to walk into a room with my guns raised & ready to shoot. now, the room that im walking into might be filled with unicorns & kittens, but im still ready to shoot. to blaze through the room at the sight of any wrong look at me. or even the thought that they might be ready to attack me.

ugh. that is such a hard way to walk through life. not only for myself, but for those around me. 

i remember moments where my mom would throw her arms up in the air because she wasnt sure how i would react to the littlest joke. 

ive received a couple of fun, spunky texts tonight. so obviously i would lash out with my guns at the ready. why? because obviously my feelings are going to be hurt. 

OR. even if they arent going to be hurt, i need to be at the ready nonetheless. you know... just in case.

yes. i can admit. there are certain moments where i dont know how to take a joke. i dont know how to laugh at myself. or a joke. because im so afraid that their intentions arent true. that their intentions are to really hurt me... instead of just make a funny little joke. 

and it's not because i think that EVERYONE'S out to make fun of me or that everyone's after me or anything like that. ive just come to learn that that is the way my life goes. and that's how it works.

there are times where i feel my heart break for those around me... for those who have to carefully navigate the minefields. they dont know what they look like or where they are... but they're there.

and im trying really hard to find those minefields myself. to walk through the field of my life & to carefully remove the ones that i see. 

but sometimes, i dont see them. and sometimes, others see them before i do. but out of instinct, the mines go off & oh, there goes there leg. or foot. or. . . 

and sometimes it's really difficult. and a lot of times the people around me cant handle that sort of risk. and bail. or wont even come close to to attempting to get to know me.

sometimes it's their own fear...

sometimes it's the fear that i will go off at any second. and i completely get that.

but then again. . . there are those in my life who are willing to walk through the field with me. . . alongside with me. . . knowing that at any moment they could be blown apart. . . but they do it anyway. 

and im so forever thankful for that. . . 

so. that's where im at. im trying really hard to find those mines on my own & rid my life of them. some are a little more fragile than others. and ones that i thought were alive, are actually dead. and i couldnt be more thankful for that. 

so here i go. maybe to immerse myself in a tv show. maybe to read my book. maybe to pick up a book of mary oliver. or maybe to just go & be thankful for those around me. . . who are still next to me. . . walking this out with me.

. . . and im forever grateful for them . . .