this post is a bit strange to me... i was sitting in bed last night thinking about different areas of my life & how theyve affected me & maybe how ive grown because of them... anyway. the strangest thoughts started coming to me & i felt like i needed to just sit & write about it. im not sure why... but something about it seems right. and i figured i may as well just go for it.
. . . so. . . bear with me. . .
ive always had a hard time getting along with girls my own age. ive never wanted to really be a part of their group. small groups at youth group were not fun because of that. dont even get me started about sleepovers. every interaction with girls who were ever my own age, usually ended badly. or at least me feeling that way.
is it because i have 4 sisters? is it because...?... i dont know. that's really the only reason that i can think of.
but then... i remember a time... back in the day of good ol' grade school. first grade. second grade. im not sure what year it was, but it was around that time.
somehow the girls in my class decided to make up a club. a club named the lauren hating club. it's such a mean girl thing to do, but there it is. i was never a cool girl. i was never one who just went along with what the cool girls said, so that really didnt help anything at all. i was just never really a conformist when it comes to codependently making the mean girls OK. that bit me in the butt for basically the rest of my school year career...
anyway. i learned at a SUPER early age that girls my age were just mean. and not to be trusted, because they could turn on you in a second.
this is one of those memories that sticks with you no matter what you do. no matter how many times you try to come to terms with things or how many times you just try to forget about it... it's something that will be with you.
but im trying to look at this from different angles. trying to see how i can grow from this. move on. or at least allow the Lord to work in & through me.
well, let's fast forward to the present & see how it somehow applies to my life.
i went to the cities this weekend & met a bunch of great new people. i was so blessed to be welcomed so warmly into such a tight-knit group.
but i'll say this. beforehand, i was sweating like i was sitting in a sauna in hell. i was so afraid that they wouldnt like me. or that they would somehow be like all of the other girls ive ever really bumped up against.
boy... i love being proven wrong. i was welcomed & greeted with such love & kindness. who wouldve thought that could happen?!
granted, im still a bit insecure around groups of women... but im getting better with it... growing... allowing the Lord to maybe attempt to do a good work in me.
thanks for reading. thanks for once again, continuing to walk this out with me. hopefully you're learning new things about you along the way~
3 comments:
So glad you're looking at it with new eyes and walking in it-and it's even better that you were proven wrong! :) Yay, God!
Love you.
I love this one, Lauren. There is a quiet wisdom that I feel leaks out between your words. It sounds like, dare I say it (forgive me, please, I know I'm being indulgent) beauty is starting to bloom from your deepest wounds :-)
Not only that, but I love this line: "i was sweating like i was sitting in a sauna in hell"
Made me laugh, and also made me wish I had come up with such a great phrase :-)
To my shame, in fourth grade, I turned on a girl down the street. I don't remember what she did but I was mad and wanted everyone else to be mad at her too. This went on for six months until a mutual friend asked us both to walk home with her. She asked why we had started being mad at each other. We couldn't remember so she told us to be friends again, which made sense to our ten-year-old brains, and we stopped being mad at each other.
I know it's painful to be on the receiving end of that. Usually being mean for no good reason is a childish thing to do. I'm thinking that now you're an adult, the women you run into will for the most part be more mature and you'll discover that female friendships can be really nice.
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