alright. so, i usually try to be as honest as i can about my life to the point where i know that im over-sharing about things that i probably shouldnt be sharing about. BUT. i figure sometimes its better to just put it all out there & live my life.

SO.

that's kind of where im at today. i had a rough night last night & my mind is officially taxed. my body is starting to react to it & i realize that i just needed a moment to breathe. so, i decided to drive into town with my computer, notebook & book, & just take a few hours & recharge my spirit or body or life or... all of the above.

as i was driving into town i started thinking about the things that im needing to get done & things that im needing to do & the main issue that is causing stress reared it's ugly head. shit. i hate it when that happens.

so, i have been job searching for the past... month of so. everything about that situation is stressful. having to put yourself out there & basically make your crap look like jewels... it's really hard work.

what i find really hard for me is that i lack in experience on a few things. i know that im good at a lot of things, but i dont necessarily have the experience to back it up. ive been a nanny for the past few years & it's hard for that to translate into showing that hey! im good at other things, too!

thinking about it, it's hard even trying to convince myself that im good at other things.

im crippled with fear. when will i find a job? am i really not good at anything? im slowly watching my banking accounts dwindle. what about the holidays coming up? i have a few people on my list. i can give them a hug... etc.

these are the thoughts that are crippling me on a daily basis. i cant shut them off. im applying for multiple jobs daily, but my confidence is shot. im at the point where it really takes every ounce of my being to just get up & be productive. that's really hard.

i had a moment while driving into town today where i just lost it. i couldnt handle it any longer & felt my chest slowly start to tighten. i felt tears on the surface. and damn it i just didnt want to deal with that today. so i tried telling myself the truth...

the Lord loves me... the Lord is for me... the Lord has provided for me when ive needed it... the Lord loves me... He loves me... He loves me... the Lord will not give up on me... 


i drove to the airport this past monday & for some reason i decided that i should listen to some old school 90's christian music. you know... Twila Paris... Michael W. Smith... Steve Curtis Chapman... Amy Grant... Geoff Moore & The Distance... you know... old school.

something about those songs changed something within me. God is in Control by Twila Paris... that song is full of truth! who really cares that it's quite possibly older than me. truth is truth & i needed it.

so. there's my sob story. ive put off writing it for fear of being judged & feeling dumb. i dont think anyone will feel that, but there it is.

thanks for reading. if you think of it say a prayer for me.