So, there are times that a topic stirs me, & the first thing i want to do is sit down & blog about it & just rant. go on & on about it & then im done... then i feel a bit better about what's going on.

ive had this blog post within me for the past few weeks. months maybe... and finally i feel like maybe, MAYBE it's the right time for me to maybe write about it. so, here goes.

bullying. it's all over the news. it's everywhere. you cant turn your head without hearing awful stories about kids who are afraid to go to school. or who are being thrown into lockers.

all because theyre different. because someone else is more insecure than they are. because they dont fit into the perfect little box that everyone says they should fit into.

i remember those days. i still have dreams about being back in school & having the bullies on the bus completely coming after me. not with their fists, but with their words.

when i was in jr. high, i had a dream that i was on the bus & i finally got to tell one of the girls what i truly felt. that she was mean & rude & that nobody really liked her but that they were afraid of her. i remember waking up with a rush of adrenaline. i wondered if it was finally my time to be able to stand up to one of the many people who had tormented me & finally be able to say what im thinking. to be able to stand up for myself.

yes, i realize that my words were not kind either.

i remember after that dream that i did have a moment on the bus where i tried that. but it all went wrong. i couldnt attack with words like she could. that, and im an emotional being. i cry when im happy, sad, angry, etc. SO, the odds were clearly against me.

from that day forward, i told myself that when i got older i would change that. why? because then i would be an adult & i would be able to speak up & say my mind. i would finally be able to tell all of the bullies out there, that what they are doing is wrong. tell them that i am sorry that they have issues in their life where they feel like its OK to belittle others so that they can feel better about themselves.

well. the older i get, the more i realize that it's not that easy. that life doesnt always work that way.

and maybe its not like that. maybe there are people out there who can speak up & out against those who feel the need to put others down. i guess i just havent found that voice within me yet. and im really struggling with that.

a part of me feels that i let down the 12 year old me. i thought for sure i would be doing bigger things. that i would have a platform or at least a voice to be able to speak out against those things.

but. maybe my place to say those things is here. or maybe it just turned into more of an action... a way to live my life... instead of using words.

i guess im not sure. i dont really know. what i do know is that i have no tolerance for it. even thinking about it triggers me & feel sick & start crawling out of my skin.

what i do know is that it doesnt necessarily go away even when youre older.

the 12 year old me didnt necessarily know the grace that i do now. but i do know that ive always had a bit of kindness in my heart. so i think that i would go a little easy on me...

so maybe that's what we should all do. just go easy on each other. we dont know where anyone's coming from. hurts are always deeper than we ever imagine.

so. . .

be kind. it wont always go unnoticed.

lgv.