Ok.

so this has nothing to do with my love or hatred of february... it's rather a few thoughts that have been stirring within me.

i have a few posts within me, but this one is coming forward within me so here it is.

so i have a few coping skills for things that come up within my life, & one of them is anger. whenever i am hurt or sad or whatever else, & i dont want to be... i turn to anger. i just get ragey & pissed off & channel everything into that.

i felt like i laid that to rest a few months ago & have just decided to feel my hurt feelings & go with that. but lately i have felt anger creeping up within me. yesterday morning i was telling my friend that i just want the chance to punch someone or to just be pissed off because that was all i felt.

i hate that about me. i wish i could just let my feelings be hurt & somehow work through it in that space.

but there are situations & circumstances & people that bring that out in me. 

i hate it that these people continually hurt me. and i know that those people only have as much power over you that you give them... i get that.

however. there's something about that statement that somehow removes your actual feelings that you feel. their words still hurt. their actions still hurt. and im trying to not give them anymore power over me that what's actually there, but it's still a bit difficult.

so. i hate being angry. i would love to just cry & be hurt & attempt to get over it that way. but im also sick of having the same feelings about the same situations all of the time.

so. what can i do about that? 

im not quite sure. im still trying to figure that one out. im sorting things out & trying to see what situations/people are good for me, & what ones bring complete toxicity into my life.

and it's difficult. and i dont have all of the right answers. and i dont have it all figured out.

but i think that it at least counts that im trying. that im being proactive & trying to weed out good & bad people & situations in my life.

i would love for certain relationships & situations to grow into something beautiful & be redeemed & to just move past certain things. i feel like im ready for that. but i guess it takes two or three... right?...

so. there you have it. i dont want to be angry, but i dont want to be hurt. so here's to attempting to find the balance~!

. . . more on that later. . . 

lv