"What's in a name? That which we call a rose

By any other name would smell as sweet." ~William Shakespeare

for the past few weeks or so, i've had a hard time sleeping. i have never been one to sleep with a light on, but i purchased a night light. then i realized that i have a husband who doesnt enjoy it. 

i then found that my sleeping by the window was keeping me up as well. i found myself thinking that someone was looking in the window. creepy. we switched sides of the bed & the sleep is a little better.

however, before that my husband & i had a run-in in the middle of the night when he did not notice that i was in the bathroom & heard a noise. on my way back into the bedroom, i flashed my phone to the door & there was my husband standing. it scared the shit out of me. i havent necessarily recovered since then.

i realized that i needed to do something about this. i have a tendency to have strange dreams & i could tell that my lack of sleep was affecting my day to day life.

so. i decided to pray. i know that there is power in Jesus' name & i called on that. i would ask the Lord to bless our room & minds & dreams throughout the night. i did everything in Jesus' name knowing the power that is in it. 

i've been reading a book from a series that i absolutely love (the Throne of Fire by Rick Riordan) & in the book, they learn that they can control a god (it's all about egyptian gods & pharaohs. it's great.) if they have their name. not just any name, but their true name.

the girl, Sadie, discovers that Set's true name is Evil Day & uses that power to help her cause. Sadie has to figure out her brother's true name in order to heal him. 

one of my favorite parts of this book is as follows:

"I'd never thought about it before, but the ren was the same as one's secret name. It was more than just special word. The secret name is your darkest thoughts, your most embarrassing moments, your biggest dreams, your worst fears, all wrapped together. It's the sum of your experiences, even those you'd never want to share. Your secret name makes you who you are." -the Throne of Fire by Rick Riordan

there are days where i think my secret name would be kindness. or friend. lover. whole-heartedly wonderful being. 

and then there are other days where my name would be bitch. jealous. rage. sadness.

thinking about those last parts are hard to swallow, but that's probably because im naming the least awful names about myself.

and then i remember. . . those words dont define me. yes, i have moments of anger & rudeness. but then i have moments of kindness & grace. 

the thing is, those few words alone do not define who i truly am. those who know me would probably label me all of those words, plus more, a lot. 

for now i think i'll stick with my given name: Lauren Grace. im pretty sure that God had a sense of humor giving me that middle name. . . im always needing extra grace for myself so why not throw it in where i'll always have it.

i'll finish this post with the rest of the paragraph containing that quote. there's something about it that's wonderful to me. it speaks into my heart & goes somewhere beautiful. im not sure where, but i know it's a good & kind place~

"That's why a secret name has power. It's also why you couldn't simply hear someone repeat a secret name & know how to use it. you had to know that person and understand their life. The more you understood the person, the more power their name could yield. You could only learn a secret name from the person himself-- or from the person closest to his heart." --Sadie Kane (the Throne of Fire)