Hm...

Ive had lots of thoughts stirring these last few days, but somehow i either forget them or another circumstance causes my mind to shift. I just take those moments for what they are and decide that i wasnt supposed to write about that to begin with.


not too much is going on. work. work. trying to be normal. work. work a little more. 


i did start a new book, and its going pretty well so far. 


ive been reflecting on this past year a lot lately. and when i say year i mean this time last year.


i had just been offered a new position at the best job ever. really. i still swear its the best job ive ever had. the kids were great. a little much at times, but i think of them all the time. my first day i went with my boss and picked up some kids from the juvenile detention center. that was an experience to say the least. i was scared, and nervous, and wasnt sure what i had gotten myself into. i didnt know too much about anything really, so who did i think i was that i was going to go speak into the lives of teens who's life at such a young age was already harder than anything i had ever experienced.


thankfully they were all so welcoming and wonderful. it was great. and like i said... i think of them often~


what else has been on my mind lately? well, ive been having a lot of strange dreams lately. the first two that really started it had the same sort of tone to them, and its been upsetting my psyche to say the least. ive thought about looking up what it means to have certain elements to a dream, but i havent really had the courage yet. 


ok. so after i typed that i didnt have the courage yet, i decided i just needed to go for it. now im not into the whole crazy realm of dream analyzing and i understand that some people might get their feathers a bit ruffled over it. However, i did look it up and it makes sense. i had been dreaming about being stabbed and selling knives, and trying to take a knife from someone to save others, and in the process being stabbed.


Well, this is what it has to say: KEY WORDS : Highly Involved, interested, really understanding, arguments


that makes sense. i have been highly sensitive to my surroundings as of late, and have a lot of highly involved relational moments. So maybe thats what it is. OR maybe im just having dreams about knives. Either way its nice to maybe catch a glimpse of something, if anything. 


Ive had some other crazy dreams too, but im not feeling ok enough with them to share. 


Anything else? Well, im realizing that im really bored with what im listening to right now. i decided to take all of the music ive purchased off of itunes and make it into a playlist and see what happens. so far so good. a lot of christmas music has been popping up, but im just skipping over that for now. anyway, its been good. some of it has been better than others, but its been helping me remember moments in my life. I can almost remember everywhere i was or what season in life i was in when i purchased certain records. its great. 


well, i should think about concluding this. its just a really random blog post, but at the same time its been good for me. good for me to just get my thoughts out there. 


im sitting at barnes & noble in between jobs, and my head is completely spinning. i just needed to turn on my music, and let out my thoughts. 


Hm. interesting. let out my thoughts. not anyone else's. 


i think thats where im stuck right now. im thinking of everyone else around me and what they may think about this situation or that. thinking about how so & so will respond to this decision, and what whats his name will think about this or that. i understand that it sounds completely confusing, and may seem a little crazy, but thats my life. thats me. i listen to everyone's thoughts, attempt to make them my own, get frustrated, and thats how i have ended up here~


Thankfully it doesnt end here. thankfully im moving away from that. thankfully i have a plan, and just realized how thankful i am for my random work schedule today. that gives me time open and free tonight. not only to do laundry that just needs to be done, but to also try something else. to try something that i have wanted to do for awhile now but havent been sure how it would work out. time to see how it might play out. im kind of excited. maybe excited isnt the right word. i am a bit anxious and nervous. im afraid of how it will turn out. but there's hope there too. hope that maybe it can work out somewhat. hope that maybe its a step in the right direction.


once again, i know that this may seem extremely confusing, and im wishing i could share it with you, but this is one of those times where a public blog betrays me. ah well.


well i should think about packing up and changing into my work gear. im hoping for a good, quick shift. maybe i should just ask for one or the other, but im thankful to know that i can at least ask for both. So...


courageously asking for both,
lauren