Lent

As i sit in my usual thursday spot at barnes & noble, my thoughts are stirring of the recent happenings in my life. Now, before i continue let me just say that nothing exciting has happened that i can really explain. it's more matters of the heart. so dont worry, im not engaged or moving to a foreign land. 


So one of the things that i did this year was give up caffeine for lent. now you may be asking how that works because you can obviously see my sitting at my table sipping my carmel macchiato. well, like i said, i gave up caffeine... not coffee. that may sound complete absurd and like im just half-assing it but i promise i gave up something that means something to me.


Caffeine has been a constant in my daily life for... oh i would say a couple of years. why? because its a freaking addiction. and i knew that if i went cold turkey, that my head would kill me for it. that and i obviously need caffeine to keep me going day to day. 


Well, here's a fun little update that ive decided to write. The first couple of days were AWFUL. my head hurt so bad, and all i wanted to do was sleep... not watch anything, not read, nothing. just sleep. i was not a happy camper to say the least. oh, and then a couple of days later i decided to have a little bit too much of a martini and was sick. i know. not smart thinking on my part at all. 


anyway, after the first few days had passed, i felt really good! i wasnt experiencing the caffeine hits, i wasnt shaky or super freaky because i hadnt eaten anything but was hyped up on caffeine. i was calm. oh what a wonderful feeling that was! 


yes, i had to adapt a bit. my dear friend made me my own little press pot of decaf coffee for breakfast... it was so wonderful~ (i will admit. im not too much of a decaf fan, BUT it will do)


Throughout this whole process ive been trying to figure out what im to be learning about myself & the Lord. Well, i learned that i dont need caffeine to survive. and thats good! what else have i learned? i learned that its really easy to get addicted to something, & before you know it it has you by your throat. and there's really nothing you can do about it...


but what ive been learning lately has been really interesting to me. The one thing about ordering decaf at a coffee shop is actually making sure that i get decaf. im so close to the end, and im not wanting to mess this up. im wanting to be so careful that im actually doing what i say that im doing. i will not mess this up! i mean, i know that there's grace if i do, and that im really the only one that will care but still. anyway... i realized today that i am completely OCD about asking the barista & double, even triple checking to make sure that they in fact made me decaf espresso. i know. it sounds a bit crazy. but who are these people? do i have any reason to trust that they will make my coffee the right way? no. but i do every other time, so why is it different now? Im not quite sure yet. i have my hunches, but still. its kind of ridiculous when i think about it. 


but i think that by putting my life in others' hands is kind of making me a bit jittery. yes, i understand that my actual life is not in their hands, and maybe im being a bit melodramatic about it. shoot me. but, this is something that is important to me, and im just wanting to be careful. 


so that's where im at with my lenten fast. i dont THINK ive had any caffeine yet. i have been drinking coffee here & there, but im not dependent on it. today its more of the warm fuzzy feeling of drinking it at a bookstore...


so why am i writing all of this? im not sure. better question, why are you still reading this? im not sure about that either. but maybe its because you love me. or you want to bless me. or you want to get some new dirt on my life. or perhaps you stumbled upon this somehow. or maybe you work for the government and are finally trying to uncover my secret russian espionage days. no matter what your reason is, i say thank you. thank you for reading & caring. or just reading. thank you for walking through this thing called life with me... i wish i knew who you were my dear blog readers, but maybe its better that way...


Courageously cursing in a blog post about lent,

 (ps: see. it says decaf. i guess i didnt need to ask her for the 3rd time after all.)

lauren