Wow. look at me blogging after a month of not...!


So, here's how it all started. my body decided to get sick & hate me for a week. i was down for the count. oh, and then i decided to get strep on top of all of that! Im over all of that, but once again my body has decided to randomly break out in hives when i get nervous or something like that... SO! Benadryl has been my friend to say the least~!


On top of all of the sickness, i havent really had a lot to say. no inspiration has flowed through me. i definitely felt stuck in a season. There have also been a few other things going on here & there (i might share them someday. we'll see.) so my mind has been at max. capacity and there hasnt been room for anything other than crappy tv shows on netflix.


However... im thankful to be back. Im thankful to say that i have a few things on my mind. 


We went to church on sunday & i definitely had a post stirring in me before & after, but... i feel like maybe that one has come & gone for now. It was a really good message & there were definite points that stuck out, but i feel like this other thing within me is more of where my heart's at right now. 


SO.... here goes nothing~!


I have been thinking a lot lately about things that people say. and how they affect us. and stick with us. and then how they strike up other thoughts & emotions in you...


ive been doing a lot of sorting lately. a lot of thinking back on moments where a friend had said really hurtful & mean things to me. at the time i was so immersed in something else that i didnt even have time to let them sink into me or affect me (but that doesnt mean my bff wasnt completely offended by them for me). 


Well. let's fast-forward to me right now. those words... the ones that i thought hadnt stuck or didnt affect me... are completely changing me. they're making me have to ask hard questions & to just be brutally honest with myself & those around me. 


it's really hard. im kind of a broken person. 


and ive known that im a broken person, but now im having to deal with it & acknowledge it more than i would really want to. it seems that that's how im walking through my day: acknowledging my brokenness, attempting to find grace & forgiveness, & then moving on. oh, and let's repeat that a few more times. it gets really exhausting after a few times of having to do that. 


i was thinking about it all yesterday & trying to not let the fear of things in my past rule my life in the present. im trying to tell myself the truth & allow the Lord to keep doing a good work in me. but yesterday this fear completely came over me.


fear of not being good enough. of being naive. of friends bailing on me. of so many things...


i do not want to live my life like that. i wont live my life like that. i refuse to. 


so... what do i do about that? Well, that's a great question. im thankful to have wonderful friends who love me & tell me the truth. Im thankful that the fall season has started up again... who knew i would ever say that?! im thankful that we're heading back up to church on sundays. im thankful for a new season in my life... that's good~


so there's me. that's what im at right now. im not letting the fear of lies & hateful words that were spoken to me, rule my life. that was a one time thing... not all people are like that. and im thankful to say that no one in my life is like that. what a relief~!


So... thanks for welcoming me back. sorry it has been so long.


here's to a new season... fall... friendships... good drink... good food... 


amen. hallelujah.